Thursday, July 15, 2010
the next stage......
I dream of reliving a day just like this one....
All my life my dream was to be a wife and a mom. The only
time I ever dreamed of college was how I would decorate my dorm room..LOL!
But as I became a mom that is when life began to move at lightning speed. It's filled with looking for the next stage. --- I can't wait until they can sit up, stand, walk, get out of diapers (this ones okay to get through quick though so it doesn't really count..LOL) go to kindergarten, to middle school, high school, GET THEIR LICENSE, graduate and then College and then married and have me some grandbabies. But in the midst of each of these steps it is a mixture of sadness and joy.
As hard as the middle of the night feedings were there are sweet memories. Watching their little mouths as they ate and stretched their tiny bodies. Oh and the smell of baby lotion. The memory of standing outside the door with tears, listening to Dustin crying inside on his first day of preschool as my heart broke for him. I remember how Becca use to get irritated with her little brother for bothering her and yet she was always teaching him, hugging on him and making sure he was doing things right (some - mainly Dustin - call it being bossy and it really hasn't changed alot - except maybe a little less hugging). And the memory of sitting through endless dance and gymnastics classes and watching Becca fall asleep from exhaustion on the way home.
Right now we are in the midst of D being in Behind the Wheel. Talk about a mixture of emotions! I am so ready for him to be able to get himself where he needs to go but I also realize that has soon as that happens we loose a big chunk of our conversation time. Some of our best talks are just he and I in the car...I am sooo going to miss that. I am going to miss how he confides in me. I love that he Dreams as big as I do. Of being the lead guitarist of a famous band - of running machinary alongside his dad - of being a band teacher - of rebuilding his dad's firebird - of raising his family in the house that he has grown up in.
And then there is the reality that I now face - in a little over a month my baby girl goes off to college. I have such a mixture of emotions right now. I am so beyond proud of her. She is an amazing young woman. Words can't even describe her. I am excited for her to go and pursue her dream of photography. And this morning I walked in her room and she scooted over for me to cuddle with her. She began to talk 90 miles an hour about how she and her roommate are decorating their room...(she Is My kid!!) And yet more and more I just watch her...I just want to remember the way she talks to me in her silly Indian accent, the way she can repeat word for word every Disney movie, the way she knows when I need a hug and knows how to spoil me. Just like last night - I had a rough day and as I walk into the bathroom she had candles lit and my tub filled with bubbles. Now I do realize we will still have a relationship. I know that, I do! I know that it will just be different and just like every stage I am excited for what is ahead. But at the same time I have to mourn what I am loosing.
If I could have one more day I really don't know what I would do with them. I think the first thing that I would want is to hear their little feet with their footy pj's coming down the hall ready to jump in bed with us...I would just watch them a little closer and hug them a little longer and then I would tell that young mom to enjoy the little moments and not rush them and I would also let her know a secret....that she's doing a good job...she has amazing kids...