my Christmas Memories......



 It's funny because I have such a crazy memory and yet I don't remember alot about Christmas when I was growing up.....There are few but not as many as I would think...

I remember being about 6 and Neil would have been 8 and it being Christmas Eve. I remember the lights on the Christmas trees and the presents scattered around it. And then I remember how Momma always let us pick a few presents to open on Christmas Eve....(if she hadn't already given them to before...Momma was no good at surprises...lol..) I don't remember what we got at all I just remember the 3 of us being there....Sort of Random but I have always had that visual in my head....

When we were older (probably teenagers) I remember one night when Momma got home from Christmas shopping. We heard her tell Daddy that she had some bigger things that she had to leave out in the trunk. So after everyone went to bed Neil came in my room and we snuck out my window with a flashlight. When we opened up the trunk we were in Shock! There sat 2 World Globes....Yep.....just what every teenager wants huh?.....LOL...At least we had time to work on our excitement for Christmas morning....

One of my funniest Christmas memories though has got to be my 6th grade year. On Christmas Eve Daddy was on his way home from town and there was a guy hitchhiking...Daddy pulled over to give him a ride. Seems he had no place to go so......of course...Daddy brought him to our house...I remember Momma quickly wrapping up chocolate covered cherries so he would have something to open for Christmas. We had a Huge meal with lots of people on Christmas day. My best friend, Corrie Green and I "waited tables". Each table had a bell they rang for service....LOL...I recall that the Gentleman sat right by Daddy at the head of the table.....Daddy gave him some work for the next few days and all seemed well. But then one afternoon Momma got a phone call....it seems that Daddy had sent him to get supplies in the truck and  he never came back....Daddy called the police and so they sent out a report and Momma went to Lubbock to give Daddy a ride home. Well a few hours later we got a call. It seems they found the truck on the side of the road close to Amarillo.......out of gas......but "our friend" was nowhere to be found......LOL....

My next memory was when I was in 7th Grade...I'm pretty sure that had to be the closest to having all my brothers and sisters in one place. (maybe 8 of the 10??..) That was the year we were remodeling the living room into the kitchen so there was nothing in there...We filled it with "church tables"...I am sure we ate an incredible meal but what I remember most is the GAMES. Our family has always LOVED to play games....Most likely we played Family Feud and Spoons....But I just remember we played a version of Solitaire that had teams....The only word to describe it is CHAOS!!! I was on Jimmy's team and I recall sitting on top of the table to get a better look at the cards.....SO much fun!!!

But one of my most precious memories is actually a glimpse....a moment....I remember it, I know I do but I hold onto it because of a few photos that I'm sure are copies from my sister. I must have been 3 years old maybe. And my sister Carla and her husband Bill took me and Neil to Santa Land......sigh..... Here's how random my memory is....I remember where we parked and then walking down the street. It had actually snowed so as we approached I remember looking around at the trees covered in lights, feeling, what I would describe now as "stepping into Narnia...." It was like a magical place....I remember seeing Mr and Mrs Clause and Gingerbread houses....But right in the center was a large pole.....the North Pole......It was covered in Ice and you could go up to it and touch it....I think that is my most special memory because I have a the photos...not great photos....but I barely have a handful of tangible items from my childhood and these are ones I hold dear....Carla has me dressed in a soft white coat and my hair is almost blonde....I remember those years....years of uncertainty and turmoil....but I remember that night with Bill, Carla and Neil and feeling..... happy.....and loved....... the way a child should feel at Christmas time...

I often wonder what my kids Christmas memories will be.....Becca rolling her eyes when we would decorate the tree and I had to talk about every ornament...setting corn our for the reindeer......our tradition of 3 gifts....serving at the Soup Kitchen in Texas...D helping me put up Christmas lights......I pray their memories are of family and love and I hope that we have made the birth of Jesus the priority....

Today I dream for you.......sweet Christmas memories.....from your childhood and making new ones.....

Have a wonderful day friend....

Marie Osmond, McDonald's & My Kids

The other day I had blogged about Spontanaity...Well, last night Dustin tested me with it. Yesterday was a great day for "getting things accomplished" around the house. I got alot of those unfinished jobs crossed off my list (including finally hanging Rob's deer head on his office wall...woo hoo!) and it felt so good. So when Dustin got home I had Oprah on and I told him to come watch with me. She had Marie Osmond on her show talking about loosing her son 8 months ago. He suffered from depression and one day left a note on his bed and jumped from an upper floor of his apartment building. Dustin and I already talk alot but it started even some more conversations which was good.

Well during a break there was a McDonald's commercial advertising the McRib. I was telling him that I hadn't had a McRib since I was a little kid. Dustin quickly said "Mom....come on let's go to McDonald's!!!"...."Dustin, we can't go to McDonald's, I have stuff set out for supper and besides Dad would go crazy if we went to town just for McDonald's!!!"...."PLEEAAASSEEE!!....it will be fun!!!" All I could think of was my spontaneity blog.....sooooo....me and my son were out the door. We live out in the country so it is probably 15 minutes away. We went in - through the drive through and then back home....And I was praying the whole way home that Rob wouldn't be home when we got there.....He doesn't quite understand Dustin and I sometimes.... It was a fun little trip...we laughed ALOT and so I think that it was worth it.

About an hour later Becca got home for the weekend. After supper...(yeah, D and I still had to act hungry at supper...lol.....sometimes I feel like a kid again...lol...) Becca grabbed my hand and pulled me into my room to lay on my bed and talk. She loves my bed. So as we laid there she proceeded to tell me stories of college....oh my goodness....she is HILARIOUS!! I so miss all of her voices and crazy faces. She had me laughing so hard that I kept having coughing attacks...(which as women you might know what that leads to)...Well, since it was already 7:30 and dark Rob informed us that it was time for bed....LOL....He is ADORABLE! I went and got my pj's on and went to lay in Becca's bed to continue our talk. I just Love laying there cuddling with her and listening to her talk. Rubbing her fingers (like Debbie taught me to do with my kids).

She tells me that she likes college overall but still struggles with finding a good friend. She does things with different people but spends alot of time in her room. As a mom it's hard to hear that your child hurts. Dustin goes through the same thing. I told her that I know it probably wouldn't help but really if you ask most people they have a hard time finding a "best" friend.........Both my kids have alot of people that like them and are both well loved and respected by adults. I try to tell her that Rob and I go through the same thing....Life can be hard..Friendships are alot of work and take alot of commitment on both sides....The key is to be strong in yourself and kind and loving to those around you. You can't depend on your joy to come from those around you. Others can add to your Joy but they can't be your Joy...... 

As I laid in my bed I just kept thinking about Marie Osmond. My heart just broke as she shared her story of her son. As she talked about how well loved he was.... How he loved to laugh.... How close they were.....And yet he still chose to take his life........Why?????....I know why......Sadly satan is a master at what he does. How he can so easily convince us that we are unlovable....unworthy......useless......As adults we are more capable of finding our way to truth, maybe battered and bruised....but we atleast have a direction we try to point ourselves to...... but children.....children are much more vulnerable to Satan's lies.....

I pray for my children constantly....That they will know they are loved....That they can see that God has a plan for them. That they will never think that life is so bad that they just want to give up. That they can find JOY and PEACE in this temporary place called Earth.....

Wow this post got intense didn't it???....But that was my day yesterday. A roller coaster of emotions. I cherish the moments with my kids. I know I have to hold them tight while I can because no one knows what tomorrow will bring. So, I am thankful for the post that God gave me about Spontaniety because without that prompting I would have never had my little trip with D and I probably would have just went to bed instead of spending time cuddling with my girl......sigh....

Today I dream for you...........grab the moments.....take advantage of time with someone you love..... to Laugh.....to cry....to just be real......I know that Marie Osmond would agree that if something were to happen it doesn't make it easier but those are moments that you wouldn't trade for the world.....

Have a blessed day my friends....

giving it to God....

A wonderful book on Prayer that my Brother n law

Bill gave to me.....

I've never had a mentor.....well, I shouldn't say that. I have 2 wonderful sisters that have guided me through the last 22 years of marriage and motherhood. They are my best friends and I am pretty sure they know pretty much everything about me....the good, the bad and the endless nonsense.....I can't imagine my life without them. But living 1200 miles away from my best friends has left me with a longing for someone to sit and hold me and encourage me through the rough times and high five me during my triumphs.....

I am pretty sure that I read too many blogs from other Christian woman. They talk about how they have mentors that are older than them. They meet weekly at Starbucks with Bibles in tow and unload their struggles and then the wise woman doles out incredible wisdom and words from scripture and prays the most poetic of prayers.....sigh....

I remember one wonderful week in a woman's house in Minnesota. I was staying at her home while I was doing some volunteer work. She was a beautiful woman who was old enough to be my mom. Her husband and she had done mission work throughout their lives and had several children and grandchildren. She was showing me around her house and took me into her office where I saw bookshelves filled with so many of my favorite books. We stood there and talked about  many of them and my heart just got fuller and fuller. One evening after a long and stressful day she took me to her church for a potluck. As we walked along she put her arm in mine and guided me around and introduced me to all of her friends like she was so proud that I had come with her. That evening she brought me a cup of tea and we sat on her couch and began to visit. She asked me questions and just listened.....it was Heavenly.....She asked me questions that went deeper than anyone ever has.....or should I say - different directions.... if that makes sense. Her questions led me to corners of my heart that many times I won't allow myself to go on my own and I keep topics very much on the surface with many of my friends..I would much rather be the questioner than the questionee.....After we talked she took my cup and walked me to my room and asked if she could pray for me. I laid in bed that night and wept. I wept for alot of things that we had discussed and even more that it was bringing up. By the next morning many of them scurried back to their dark corners. But I will never forget how freeing it was to be on the receiving end of the wisdom of a woman like that...

Through the years I have thought of her. I know that I journaled during that week but even now it is hard for me to go back and see what I wrote.....Isn't that crazy?.....I don't even remember all the topics we discussed but I just remember the way I felt....And there are so many times I so long for a woman like that in my life... Someone who has been through the rough times and came out stronger. A woman who can hold my hand and take me to scripture when I'm feeling alone and abandoned. A woman who can guide me through the difficult teenage years and remind me that the hard work and consistency will be worth it. Someone that will wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm doing a good job.....sigh......

I'm at a strange point in my life...in SO many areas of my life......I can't even explain it. Becca is off to college and it won't be long before Dustin follows as well. What will life look like for me then? We are all aware of the imagination I have so it's not like I haven't pictured it in my head over and over. Rob and I will head off to some other country and help at an orphanage and return home on trips to visit our children and grandchildren. I will be writing book after book and taking insightful photography that shows a life that few have ever experienced. And at some point we will return home and build our little cabin in the woods (that's Rob's part of the dream....) But we will spend our days serving and encouraging others around us.

I know that vision comes from what I experienced during that week. During one of the most intensely emotional weeks I have ever had. Giving everything in me during the day and coming home to feel loved and encouraged to go back again......I believe with all my heart that God placed that woman in my life for a greater purpose than just to lift me up during that week. He showed me the importance of what a mentor can be in the lives of others.

I also believe that this is one more reason for my blog. I have a heart to encourage....to motivate...to bring woman to a closer relationship to our Heavenly Father....to know that they are not alone....But I am only one woman.....I have no counseling degree and I by no means have all the answers.

The difficulty that I find is that when others come to me I tend to take on their pain....So when I have 5 different situations going on that I am "helping" others through I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I hurt for them and feel their pain. I spend my days trying to figure out ways to help them through....There have been many times that I feel that I spend more time on trying to see ways for them to move forward than they do themselves and then it leads to resentment and frustration.....I find myself being angry and short with my own family for no reason...And then I am filled with guilt because I know what it's like to be in despair and hopeless....I may not have been in their particular situation but I definitely can relate on some level.......

So my problem is....I don't know how find balance....

I always go back to the vision of that woman....Her peace....Her strong faith.....Her calming spirit....That is what I want....That is the place I long to reside. To encourage without internalizing.......hhhhmmmm...

Well my......this was very therapeutic today......Once again I love how I never know what I am going to write about....I could say that I didn't know that this was inside of me but I really knew it was and so has Rob....It has become much more evident lately. To a point that I know that it has to be dealt with but I just don't know how...Writing this today it is very clear to me that my top priority needs to be Prayer.....I need to realize that no matter what the situationis it is ultimately in His hands....I need to quit spending the hours of my days problem solving others problems and more time lifting them up to Him. I am not called to have all the answers and I can't be so hard on myself if the person I am trying to comfort finds that their life has only gotten worse. I am not in control of the decisions they make. I am only in control of mine....

So today I dream for you....... open eyes to see if there is something in your life that you are trying to take care of on your own.....by your own strength.....Is God telling you that what you truly need to do is lift it up in Prayer....Every time the thought enters your mind give it to Him. Instead of allowing your mind to stew and plan, worry and then get depressed..... let Satan know that you have no interest in going there and give it to God.......sigh.....

Well thank you for letting me think through this today.....I already feel lighter and more at peace....but I will be honest that it isn't going to happen overnight......I am still human you know.....

Have a Beautiful Day my friends....

admitting my imperfections...

This is a page from my Scrapbook - you can see it says
Pacific Ocean....You will also notice Becca is not in the
pictures....she stayed with Grandma so she could go to
school....I have never heard the end of that either...But - she
went to Germany without us so I think we are even now...

Well I was talking to my cousin Teresa yesterday and decided that it was about time to do this post....

I, Linda - being of full mind (well, somewhat full) and body - realize completely that many times I tend to mutilate the spelling of even the most average words....And I also realize that I am obsessed with punctuation and capitalization..... and many times use it where it was never intended to be!!!! And I am absolutely aware that I tend to fill my posts with incomplete and insane run-on sentences.....But let it be known that...........I LIKE it that way!!!! I tend to write like I think or talk and so sometimes you just get what you get....

When my kids were small I use to send out about 20 letters a week to family and friends. I would update them on what all was going on around our home and funny things that the kids were doing. I would write one letter and make photocopies so everyone would get the same information and I didn't have to keep saying the same thing over and over...(Do you see why I LOVE Facebook and my Blog now....much less postage!!!)....Having a large family has its perks but it takes Alot of work to stay connected.

I have all my letters in a binder and occasionally I will take it out and look through it. That was when we had gotten our first computer and so I was completely infatuated with FONTS....So each week I chose a new one...I would tell my readers that I realized they probably weren't that excited to read the daily happenings of a stay at home mom of two but maybe the idea of a new Font would make them open the envelope.

I think I had probably sent out ten of my letters when one of my sisters mentioned how cute it was that I chose to spell the word "busy" the way I had each week....HUH??? So I looked back at my previous letters and in EVERY letter I had spelled the word BUSY with a Z....Yep, my kids were keeping me BUZY.......And if any of you know Dustin you know that I used that word ALOT! When I asked different people if they had noticed it they all thought I was just being silly....aahhhh...

And it's not only spelling and grammar that I am horrible at...there are other things as well...like MAPS...(Andrea - I am giving only one example, the one between you, me and Gina stays between us....okay?..) Every year I send out about 150 Christmas letters recapping our year.  Well, several years ago we had gotten to spend a week out in Oregon visiting some good friends that we were in the Air Force with and another that Rob grew up with. We went up to Bremerton Washington where my mom lived when she was small and got to go up into the Space Needle. We went to see Mt. St. Helens and saw some of the most breathtaking scenery imaginable. All of this went in the letter but the "funny" part...yeah - real funny....Was the fact that AFTER I sent this letter out someone commented to me that I had written that we did all of this and we spent the day at the ATLANTIC Ocean........WHAT??????????? Why....oh Why don't I get a proofreader before I send this stuff out???? Well for those of you that, like me, were not whiz kids when it came to geography...if we would have visited Mt. St. Helens and the Atlantic Ocean all in one week we would have spent an awful lot of time on a plane seeing as how they are on opposite sides of the United States......So yes, now I do know that we had actually spent the day at the Pacific Ocean.....although it is taking every bit of strength in me not to check that I have that right...I still don't trust myself...Portland - Pacific....yeah I think I have it right....:-/

I am sure I knew it at the time that we were on our trip but sometimes I don't know what happens inside my head. I can remember some of the most useless, unimportant information from 30 years ago but I still don't remember how much my children weighed or what time they were born..(I often comment that if I were to ever get a tattoo that would be what I would get put on so I would always have it with me..LOL)..and I only had Dustin's date of birth wrong for a few months until his Grandma called on his 3rd birthday to tell him Happy Birthday and I told her she was a day early...she said....)Nooo - it was today...well, I didn't believe her and had convinced my husband that she was wrong (I am  great in a debate..) and then we finally went and looked at his birth certificate and realized I had just won the Mom, Looser of the Year Award....aahhhh - how do I do this kind of stuff ALL THE TIME???.....And of course...Dustin has NEVER let me forget that one....

I use to really worry about what other people thought of me when I messed up or when I didn't have things "perfect". I was one of those people that cleaned like crazy before people were coming over because I worried that they would think that since I was a stay at home mom I should have plenty of time to have everything in order.....LOL!! I look back on all the pressure I put on myself and I feel sorry for that poor girl living that way. I know that it has made me have a heart for moms of young children though and I know how difficult it is physically and emotionally just to get by day to day.

Finally I have gotten to a point where I realize it is better just to put yourself out there. The more I admit my shortcomings the more people comment on how they can relate. When I let you know that I know that my grammar is horrendous I think it takes the pressure off of both of us and just allows you to enjoy the content... or it makes you realize that I'm not going to change so you might want to take me off your blog list if it bothers you alot...lol.....Because I do realize that some of you are in the same boat as my poor spell check...it goes insane when it's time to check my post...I truly have to talk it down sometimes....lol....

So there you have it - more of getting to know the real me...English and Geography were not my strongest subjects in school and if you haven't realized it yet....I AM NOT PERFECT....You can barely get into my storage room right now and one of the lights is burnt out so I should really put Caution Tape on the door....My deck is STILL not done being stained and it is November....My checkbook is not reconciled....I bite my nails.......If there is anything else that you want me to share I really don't mind....There is a true freedom from being Real about where you are in life. I think writing my blog has given me a strength I didn't know that I had and it has allowed me to get past all the superficial layers that we sometimes put up so that I can go deeper and find out who I really am....

Today I dream for you the chance to admit your shortcomings....put it out there...now you might want to start small so you don't overwhelm the people around you....your facebook friends might not know what to say when you post that you have overdrawn you checking account for the 8th time this month or something like that....But if you begin to be honest with those around you about your struggles and imperfections that it takes the pressure off of yourself so you can actually live and most often you will see that you are definitely not alone....

Have a wonderful day my friends.....

Goodbye Grandma......

We lost Rob's Grandma on October 27, 2010....She was as much a Grandmother to me as I could have ever imagined.....She will be greatly missed.....I will be speaking at the funeral on Sunday...below are the memories that I will share with all of those who were touched by her wonderful Love........

I LOVED seeing Grandma laugh........

Making Christmas Sugar Cookies

One of FAVORITE memories.....Picking Strawberries
and making jam.....I Will Miss Her So Very Much

October 31.......1987.......Rob and I had been dating since March and his parents and brothers had already come to Texas to meet "the new girlfriend". But now Eldon and Lilas Vanbrocklin...also known as Grandma and Grandpa were on their way to McCallen Tx for the Winter and would be stopping in Lubbock. I was a nervous wreck not only because I was meeting his grandparents but making supper. It went beautifully...Grandma raved about my Pork Chops and Rice and has made comments to me even recently about that meal. I often wonder if they were that good or if she was just being kind...We sat around the rest of the evening playing cards and visiting....(I know shocker, huh?)

Grandma and Grandpa would visit again for our wedding the following June and then they were back through again a few months later on their way South. That evening we took them out for supper and then they stayed on our hide a bed in the living room. The plan was that we would get up and have breakfast and they would be off. But when we woke up the next morning they had left a note saying that they couldn't sleep and had already gotten on the road. I remember how sad Rob was that he didn't get to hug them and tell them goodbye.......Fast forward to Feb 11, 1990...The phone rings and Rob answered it..... his dad told him to hand the phone to me....Don instructed me to wrap my arms around Rob and hold him and then give him the phone back. I did as I was told and I could hear the news...Grandpa had passed away......

So for the last 20 years our memories have been filled with Grandma.....and there are many......

*I remember Grandma's Donuts.....and how lucky Kayla always got the Bumblys....
*I remember the boys short sheeting Grandma's bed when we were all up North at Larry's cabin.
*I remember the story that my kids and Grandma always laughed about when they had gotten off the bus at      Grandma's house and she made box mac and cheese and forgot the cheese / the kids said it was the best!
* I remember when Vanessa first learned to use the phone and she called Grandma all the time....even when Scott and Sal didn't know...
*I remember sitting in the living room at the farm and watching Grandma sew Sally's wedding dress
*I remember Jule filling Grandma's house with Anything Lemon.....
*I remember the STEEP stairs in her old house
*I remember how the boys ALWAYS referred to them as Grandma and Grandpa at the farm
*One of my FAVORITE memories....picking strawberries and making jam.....
*I remember how I use to have allergic reactions to Bee stings...so whenever I got stung I would have to drive to her house and sit on her couch so she could watch and see if I Puffed Up....
*No one could ever forget her LOVE for playing cards.....the Hours we all spent playing SOB is priceless
*I remember how she always got irritated with one of the guys in McCallen that said Up North or
Down  South when his score was higher or lower....so of course Rob said it Everytime!!
* I remember the year that we had atleast 5 apple pies in our freezer from Grandma at All times
*I remember her beautiful hair....I often told her that I would stop coloring my hair if only I could have hair like hers.....
*I remember visiting with her and Alene at the Fair when she was Supervisor of the flowers....
*I remember her Love for Reading...and the countless times when I asked her what she was reading it was a book from Janis....or from Sal..... She definetely passed that love to all 3 of her girls...
*I remember her working at Webers Dry Cleaners....
*I remember Alene and Lisa laughing about the fact that every pocket of every item of clothing of Grandma's ALWAYS had a crumpled tissue.....
*I remember when she was in Texas she would never stay on the phone because it cost to much and she wouldn't even say goodbye - she would just hang up....
*I remember Dustin and Allie playing kitchen with Grandma and she would pretend to eat their food....
*I remember everytime we walked into the house Grandma showing us a newspaper clipping of Vanessa and Allison....she was SO proud of them...
*I remember Thanksgivings at her house on the farm with everyone at the Table that stretched into the Living Room and Rob and Scott carving the turkey and Janis sneaking pieces the whole time before we ate...
*I remember mushroom hunting on the hill up behind her house....she knew ALL the Hot Spots....
*And of course I remember "Lilas' Birthday Party" every year.....and how I am so thankful for that time to get to know "the Popanz family"...the time to sit and visit learning about everyone's lives and my children growing up with their cousins....intertwining our families has been so important to me.
*I will NEVER forget the Endless amount of potholders that she knitted for ALL of us every year.....
*And I will never forget the last time I hugged her as she wheeled herself down the hall to watch me get onto the elevator to leave......she told me she was ready.....and I know she was.....
That's what makes this so hard and yet so peaceful....We have had this time with Grandma - to Love on her....for her to Love on all of us.....My sister just asked me if Grandma was worried about dying....I said No - I think she was worried about Living....She was 92 years old....Her mind was as clear as the day we met....and yet her body wasn't as cooperative.....I know she was ready....ready not to have problems with her blood pressure....ready to not be confined to a wheelchair....but most of all ready to see Grandpa....

Thank you Grandma for being the best Grandma we could have asked for.....you will be greatly missed....
 

Why can't I feel God.....

Pololu Vallay Lookout, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

As Christians many times it seems that our relationship with God is a roller coaster ride....We have wonderful highs where we see His beauty in everything around us. We are at peace and continuously feel his guidance in our life. A term that is often used is that you are enjoying a "Mountaintop Experience".......And then there are the times in our lives where we feel alone and abandoned. And at times even question His existence. That we are just "going through the motions." These times can be referred to as "being in the valley."

I have been a follower of Christ for most of my life so I have experienced the whole gamete of emotions that come with this relationship. This morning I received an email from a dear friend who is "walking in a valley." For the last year or so she just can't seem to find God anywhere. She misses those feelings that she use to have. The times where she would Sing and Dance and feel engulfed in His Love. But as we all know life gets busy and we get preoccupied and difficulties surround us. Next thing we know we try to find those "feelings" that we had with God and they aren't there. So we try to do the things we were doing before - hoping - praying - that we will feel Him once again. We sing the same songs. We go sit in the same places. We read the same verses. And then when we come up empty we feel abandoned. We start to question ourselves. What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get close to Him? Did I ever even feel Him before or is this just all a big game?......

Personally, the best way for me to think of my relationship with God is to relate it to my marriage.

When I first met Rob we couldn't spend enough time together. We would stay up late talking, learning about each other. I told Everyone about him. I wrote his name on my books..(I was still in High School...lol) And then we got married.....bu bu buuuummm.....And then you enter the “real world”. The times of gazing into each other’s eyes are long gone. There are bills to pay and children to raise and life gets crazy!!....
When I first moved to Wisconsin we had just started our business and I never saw Rob. He would leave the house at 5:30am and get home at 10:00pm to eat supper, sleep and do it all over again the next day….7 days a week…No cell phones, no way to keep connected….I was ALONE! Rob will admit that I basically raised both our children by myself. I was separated from my family by 1200 miles and none of our friends had children. We had "friends". But there was no one to talk to about the things that I was going through. Those years were hard...I remember thinking...What happened? I remember what life use to be like back in Texas. The man that I married was home at 4:30pm and we would sit on the couch and watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. We would go to the movies and out to supper. And now I just don't feel what I felt then… It wasn't that I didn't love Rob or that he didn't love me - that was never in question.. It was just that it didn't look the same or feel the same.....Those were definitely valley years for me and for Rob – and for our marriage...Many of you have heard me say...I cried for 6 years and I am not exaggerating..

Fast forward many years....at this point in our marriage I will say we are blessed tobe on a mountaintop...when I stand up here I can see things clearly, for what they really are. It was for the very best that I left Texas and came here. I found out who I am. I am stronger than I ever could have been if I would have stayed. I don’t believe I would have been the parent I am if we would have stayed. If I would have other mom’s around me to talk to maybe I wouldn’t have trusted myself enough and invested so much of me into making sure they were well rounded, responsible, loving and respectful children….now young adults…

Does it mean that we get to stay here on the mountain?...You might think it's crazy but honestly - I hope not...You see in the past 22 years Rob and I have have had many mountaintop experiences. But today when I look at them they are tiny hills. But we had to go through those to get to where we are now. Anyone who believes that Rob and I are the couple we are out of luck or because we choose to avoid things and just pretend to be happy on the outside have no idea at the work that we have done along the way...together. We will face new challenges. Maybe it will be our business or our health or any number of things... In fact - I will be honest with you - we both know that we are headed off our mountaintop soon. There are challenges that lie ahead but at least we know this one is coming, unlike the times you feel like someone just pushed you off a cliff. So we grab each other by the hand and vow to be a team in the valley. To remember the mountaintop and know that another one will be ahead but no guarantees as to how far. In the valley we have to make "us" a priority. We have to have dates even if they are talking about the kids or the business. And we know that sometimes it will feel like we are just “going through the motions.” But we HAVE to do it. Sadly there are times when we are in the valley that I whine and complain, “why can't I have now what I had then – it was better back there....I don't want to go any farther...I was satisfied with what we had”....WHY CAN'T I LEARN??????

God never promised us that a relationship with Him would be easy. Just like I was never promised marriage would be. In fact he assures us that it will be just the opposite. But He wants us to understand that those trials that we go through are good for us. We need those difficulties for our relationship to grow deeper. I would be disappointed if my relationship with Rob looked like it did when we first met. At that point there was no way of knowing that marriage could be like this. No one could have ever explained it to me. But to get here we had to go through the work, the tears, the arguments, the all night conversations. That is the way it is with my relationship with God. What if I would have thought that quoting scriptures and knowing every hymn in the red hymn book that set beside my bed was as deep as it got. I was Happy then. I honestly was. But then when I wasn't content with that I began to search for more and at times thinking that I lost Him because nothing felt the same. But then on the next mountaintop it was always better than the last....

 We all get discouraged in the valley. We all get lost and feel alone. Just don’t give up. It is through the valleys we learn the lessons we need to be able to move forward. And then with each mountain top you get closer and closer to Him.

Today I dream for you........I know that you want me to say mountaintops....I know you really do....so okay - I dream for you mountaintops....but not to stay forever - just long enough to get your bearings....to look around at where you came from..to be proud of the rugged terrain that you had to cross. To sit for a time and breath and think clearly. But then to know that there are other valleys that are ahead. And to give thanks for the small mountaintops that brought you higher each step of your journey.....

Have a beautiful beautiful day friend....

And now to share with you my very favorite verse in the Bible is James 1:2-7

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

sharing my blog....

This one is still one of my favorite photos.
It was on the day that Becca got home from Germany.
That was when I knew that she would never be
content to live an average life.....

As many of you know part of the goal for writing my blog is to capture my day to day life and share it with my kids someday. I have long given up asking..."have you read my blog today??" Only to get the same answer..."Mooommm, I'm busy...". So my plan is to periodically put my blog into book form to share with them at some point when they will appreciate it more. So many times in my life I wish that I would have known about my parents lives when they were younger...How did they handle parenting, marriage, conflict?....What were they passionate about?... What were their day to day lives like?.....

Your all aware that I end most of my blogs with..."Today I dream for you"...I say that I write that for myself as well as you as a reader but also it is for my children.... If there is a day that I can't be there beside them with encouragement and advice I pray that they can read my words and learn and grow from the struggles and joys that I have lived. So as I write out these words I am challenged to live a better life...to live more adventursm...to let go of things...and to dream bigger...because that is the life I want them both to know that I tried my best  to live and it is possible for them as well...I try to be as real with my struggles because I want them to see that we all go through different seasons in our life. And hopefully that will encourage them throughout their own journey.

I write this for both my children but realizing that it will most likely be most beneficial for Becca. Not that Dustin won't be interested. Actually he has been the most supportive of my blog all along. But there is a different bond between a mother and daughter....or so there should be...or should I say there is for us....(But just last night D asked me if I have blogged about him yet..lol... I will write soon about my relationship with him  and share with you the things that make him the amazing son he is....) But this today is directed more towards Becca. I feel like I need to write so much of this stuff down for her...Her life is busy and full....I am so use to her being here and now that she is gone to college we are missing so much of each others lives...

I know there are parents that comment that their children are their "best friends" and I often somewhat cringe when I hear that... Being a best friend with your child puts an awful lot of pressure on them. I want Becca to have the freedom to have her own friends and adventures that don't include me.....I always say that if you do the hard work when your kids are younger then the older they get you truly get to enjoy them....that is where Becca and I are....And Dustin and I are getting very very close (still going through some work with him...lol...) I Adore her, I love EVERYTHING about her...but she is not my best friend. I don't ever want her to feel like she has to take care of me...that my joy and peace is dependent on her. I want her to have the freedom to have her own friends and that I will be okay..

Although I say she isn't my best friend we are very good friends. We are very close! And she has lived in this house so she knows alot about my life. She knows that I have had  rough times but I hope that I have taught her that it is possible to make it through with His guidance. Today's message at church was about God teaching us through struggles. That nowhere in the Bible does it state that God does not give us more than we can handle. It is through cicumstances that we can not handle that finally make us turn to Him. We have all 4 shared alot of stuff that we didn't know what God was trying to teach us. I want to be able to say that the things that I...(we) have gone through have grown me and our whole family.
So since there have been numberous times that Becca has held me while I cried about different things in my life...(She is just as protective of me as I am for her)..I wanted to give her a glimpse into my life at this moment while she is off creating her very own ....

*********

To Becca:

Although when you left for Milwaukee we were in the middle of some hard stuff as a family things are definately on an upswing. I am beyond proud of the life that you are creating for yourself. For your amazing strength and determination to follow your passsion. But most of all that you have Passion and Dreams in your live. I LOVE THAT! Dad and I are loving our life here with Dustin, just the 3 of us. You have been a wonderful big sister to him and an excellent example of a life to aspire to. Every day gets better and better and I am forever thankful for the time you spend with him. Dad misses you so very very much. He has the picture of the 2 of you hugging at graduation beside the bathroom sink and I know he stares at it often. If he ever learns to text it will only because he wants to talk to you more and no other reason...LOL!! And then there's me....I am happy....happier than I have been in a long long time....You know through many tears my prayer has been for a good friend for a long time now.....although things have been hard, this time has allowed Dad and I to begin to be each others Best Friends...the way it should be...the way it always should have been. But you know that I have missed having "friends". I just want to let you know that God is very faithful...I will first start by saying how wonderful our weekend in Milwaukee was at Women of Faith. Me, you and Shari!!! It couldn't have been more of what we all 3 needed. I loved you laying in my lap as they sang and getting to rub your back and play with your hair. And I don't know what my life would be without Shari right now...you know as well as anyone that she and Jamie helped us all through some of the hardest times we have had...all 4 of us....they are such a blessing to our whole family. And then of course there are Bryan, Nichole and Ainsley. They have become such a stable part of our lives and we couldn't be happier. Last night was our weekly Hot Tub hang out night and I got to feed Ainsley while she sat in her high chair. It feels so good to be an Aunt again to a little one....sigh...And then there are all my book club friends, my church friends, my Jamaican Mission friends and so many others (and of course my amazing Texas family!!)....Right now my life is overflowing and I am beyond thankful.

********

I know I say I write this for Becca and for Dustin as well...but I also write this for me. It feels good to write down in words where God has brought me....And to be so very thankful! Who is to say what the future will hold. What next year will be like. I am trying not to worry or even try to look to far ahead and just live in the moment. I tell Rob that I want to enjoy all the people around me now because if God's plan for our future is to place us in a different country working in an orphanage where I don't speak the language I want to be able to know that I didn't waste a moment of this life here and now...You just never know do you?.... But what I do know is that at this very moment as I sit here my heart is Full.....And I thank Him so much for that....

Well today I dream for you a Full Heart....Maybe you are where I am and you are so thankful for where He has you today...But maybe you are going through one of those times where you know that He is giving you more than you can Handle...Life is too hard and you don't know how much more that you can take...Here is a link to the series we are doing entitled Fearless - the one I am speaking of is Fear of Overwhelming Challenges...Excellent message!! http://www.hiddenv.com/resources/393  I want to encourage you to draw closer to Him during this time....Have a wonderful day my friends.........

What I didn't do today.....

My pile of laundry that needs ironed....

This morning I ran across a blog that I am sure will become a favorite. http://smalltownsimplicity.blogspot.com/2010/10/authenticity-what-i-didnt-do-today.html
Lydia posted that as bloggers it is easy for us to write about the positive moments in our lives. The ones where things are going wonderful. The perfect meals that we make or the accomplishments of our kids. She challenged us to write today about AUTHENTICITY: What I didn't do today.....I Love the idea!! Not because I don't already do that. In fact if you have been around me at all you will notice that I am the first to put my faults out there. The one to tell you about how I frequently get lost or can not, no matter how hard I try, remember my children's times of birth or birth weight....LOL...

I think it is very healthy to laugh at the silly parts of our lives. But this article made me think about a short conversation that I had with my Great Niece while she was here this summer. She has always been "funny". She loves to make people laugh. But at one point I told her that it is fine to tell things about yourself that make people laugh. But I cautioned her to never put herself in a position to make herself seem "dumb". We all make mistakes and do silly things. And it is wonderful if you can use that stuff in a story that will make others relate and laugh. But it is a totally different thing to use those things in a way that degrade yourself and make yourself seem "lower" than the person you are talking to.

Part of me thinks that I would love to live a perfect life. Where there wasn't a mountain of laundry in my laundry room. Where I balanced my checkbook more than once a year. Where there wasn't spots of dog urine covering my whole living room carpet....But in reality I Love my life!! I am not lying when I say that there are many times where I literally laugh out loud about parts of my life...okay maybe not the dog urine, but most things I really do laugh about.

So I thought I would share a few of them with you from just the past few days to give you a taste of my day to day life...enjoy....

• I slept through my alarm clock yesterday morning. That meant that I didn't make sure my 15 year old was out of bed and ready for school. I was awoken by the slamming of the door as he ran outside to get into the Jeep  and take it down the hill only to see the bus driving away. So he followed the bus to the next stop which was about a mile and a half and left the Jeep in a friend's driveway...Then called me to tell me what had happened and we decided it was best for both of us not to inform Dad about this whole scenario....(yes, my 15 year old was driving down the road unaccompanied with no license.....do you see why he would call me and not his dad....LOL!! - I'll blog more on the significance of  that when my kids are a little older...LOL!!)
• I didn't blog yesterday. After shutting my tv off for 6 months I finally turned it back on so I was like a little kid. There were so many things that I had forgotten about (like how to turn it on - so I had to call Dish and have them talk me through it ...I really miss my teenagers being around). 
• I didn't stick to my eating plan....at all!!!..When I was in Texas my sister Debbie and I  bought blue jeans that were to small for us. Our goal is to be able to fit into them by Christmas. In my head I have great plans and really want to get fit again. I was doing so good before my surgery but since then I have just lost all momentum. So yesterday I finished off a bag of chocolates that my friend Shari had gotten me, a piece of pumpkin pie and a multitude of other "non healthy" foods.
• I didn't clean the woodstove even though it was on my list of things to do. Someone had misplaced the handle to our woodstove. I have looked for it for months. Finally yesterday I called to order a new one. After explaining the whole thing to the gentleman that works there...(who just happens to be my cousin that I thought was a customer there and got on the phone to mess with me. It seems that somehow along the way I didn't realize that he had worked there since the beginning of the summer....aaarrghhh...oh my silly head....) He told me he would look up the info and call me back. As soon as I hung up the phone I walked into the Family Room and moved the recliner to find it lying there on the floor. I quickly called him back and explained my joy and apologized for the inconvenience! I then walked over to the woodstove to carefully open it up. You see my daughter had been telling us for weeks that she had been hearing something living inside there. As I opened it I see a bat lying in the ashes - luckily not moving...EEKKKK! Quickly closed the door and left that job for the hubby.

Honestly I could go on and on and on and on......LOL... But I want to encourage you to live in your Authenticity.... Absolutely be proud when you cross things off your list.... Sing praises about your spouse and your children and your accomplishments....Take a dozen pictures of that 4 layer chocolate caramel cake...(and then send me a piece...lol..) Thank God for the blessings He gives. But be honest about your iimperfections. There has to be a balance in your life. If you can laugh at your mistakes then others will be able to find you relatable. If you are only one way or the other people will shy away. As much as it is difficult to be around people that believe they are perfect it is just as hard to be around people that you feel like you have to "take care of". That their life is one crisis after another....Balance....

So today my friend I dream for you a chance to laugh at yourself. As you sit in you pj's and it's 2 in the afternoon remember that no one is perfect. Or if it means you mess up and have to order a candy bokay to say your sorry for something that you did it is really okay. Life goes on....Look around at the blessings you have and remember that He has not left His throne....Have a Wonderful day!!

Njoki......(2nd Post of JMP)

Njoki preparing breakfast.....

On my first trip there were 2 girls that just grabbed my heart. Kerry Ann and Njoki are about the same age. By now they are probably 28 years old. But it's hard to think of them like that. They seem so young and fit in with all of the children in the orphanage. Even though they play and sing right along with everyone else they both are very good at "mothering" the younger ones.

Njoki has Downs Syndrome and has recently been diagnosed with Diabetes which is not making her happy. She is on a special diet and everytime I talk to Ms. Grant - the administrator - she says that Njoki is sad because of the food she has to eat. The orphanage is set up wonderfully in the fact that it is basically a home. All those who are capable have responsibilities that they have to take care of. But from what I see Njoki has alot of responsibilities and sometimes I just go and wrap my arms around her because I know the feeling of exhaustion of being the caregiver.

One of my first experiences with Njoki was probably one of my most difficult. Ms. Curry yelled at her...(they always yell - no one just talks..LOL...) "Njoki....go feed Mooni....." They say that Njoki is the only one that can feed Mooni. So Njoki takes me by the hand and leads me into the small kitchen in her cottage. She grabs a bottle that honestly looked 20 years old and began to pour some kind of thick yellow mush kind of liquid into it. She then screwed a nipple on that had the tip cut off that would allow the thick liquid to come out. She once again takes my hand and pulls me into one of the rooms. The room had about 8 beds but only one was occupied. Here lay a girl, probably in her late teens - her legs were bowed and her arms and hands were clenched and bent and she had the largest brown eyes I had ever seen. Njoki went over to the cupboard that held clothes. Clothes that belong to all the girls...you just take out whatever fits and that's what they wear. Well, Njoki reaches up and grabs a dress shirt that is made of a Satin like material. She puts the shirt across Moonies chest and under her chin to use as a bib. She proceeds to stick the bottle in Moonie's mouth and Squeeeze.... and Squeeeze....and she would turn and look at me and just smile and rub my arm while she worked. As she squeezed the yellow liquid covered Moonie's face and down her chin and cheeks...all over the bed and filled the "bib"....Njoki would take the satin bib and try to wipe Moonie but the fabric would just spread it everywhere. I just sat and watched the interaction. The more Njoki tried the worse it got and then I watched Moonie....she had the biggest smile on her face and laughter in her eyes. Njoki got done and patted Moonie, who was now a complete mess, and then grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door.

Njoki feeding Mooni.....(this wasn't the day with the purple satin bib though...LOL...)

Just sitting here thinking about her makes me laugh. She is very protective of the visitors. Especially when some of the boys come around. She knows that Franky may pinch or hit and so when he comes close you can see her just eyeing him....She knows Tony is just a flirt and always wants to be by the girls. She knows at any moment Beannie Mon might just drop his pants whenever he wants and so it's nothing to see her smack him upside the head.

Njoki protecting Joey from Tony...this is just typical Njoki....Love It!

This last time she was just hilarious. On the last day of working at Westhaven they always throw us a party with cake and ice cream. Which is a great treat for the kids as well. Kerry Ann always sings us a song and it always makes me cry....But this last time the kids had some music going and they were dancing like crazy. I just wish that you could see Njoki dance.....She just smiles and goes to town....It makes me laugh just thinking about it.

This last trip I didn't spend as much time with Njoki as the other 2 times. I realize that Kerry Ann is very jealous and gets upset if I am paying attention to Njoki. Last time I tried to juggle time with both and it exhausted me. While Kerry Ann was eating I would go for a walk with Njoki. Or when Kerry Ann was occupied with someone else I would hug on her....But this last time I realized that Njoki makes friends easy. It's not hard to find some other visitor that wants to spend time with her. So my main focus was Kerry Ann but I never passed up a chance to get hugs from her....

Njoki hugging on Kathy....Love that smile....

So there is my girl Njoki....Sometimes I just watch her while she works...I watch her talk to the other children in their own language...or maybe just give a look - just like a mom would...I watch her laugh and I see her sit and lean her head against a post and close her eyes just to catch a moments rest....She is remarkable and I am so blessed to know her.

Have you ever seen someone that you were just in awe of. Someone that you just sat back and watched how they move....Maybe it was a nurse that was caring for a loved one.....Maybe it was a mother with their child....Moments that just make you take pause and want to take in what is happening. I LOVE when that happens......Today I dream for you the chance to encounter someone worth "watching". Someone that you can learn from or just be in awe of.....Have an amazing day my friends.....

babies everywhere...

Sweet Ms A.....hugs and kisses from Aunt Linda and Uncle Rob....<3

I was going through some of my pictures this morning and just kept coming back to this one. This is the daughter of some of our very good friends. This little girl has pretty much wrapped Rob and I around her little finger. I have had so much fun watching the changes that are happening way to fast. Not sure who is more enthralled with her. As much as I adore her Rob is crazy about her...It is so so cute!

I have been around babies my entire life. I believe I am up to 27 neices and nephews. And now I am a Great Aunt several times. I have taught at our Hospital Daycare, watched plenty of children in my own home and of course raised my own. I have always Loved everything about babies. I have been one of those people that just can't take a crying baby. I feel like I NEED to go hold it...LOL...But actually the last few years that need slowly went away. I have been very content with the 2 wonderful children I have and have thrown myself into the world of teenagers.

But lately God has put me in the craziest spot. Everywhere I look - there are pregnant women and families with little kids. I'm not exaggerating - they are EVERYWHERE! For awhile I almost got depressed (I know it may sound crazy). I just was frustrated because it seems like I'm at such a different stage then everyone around me. My daughter is off to College and my son is a Sophomore. I am at the point where I can just pick up and go when I please and do basically whatever I want. Lately I have struggled with the fact that I have very few people that are going through what I am going through and it has felt rather lonely.

But I must say that Ms. Ainsley is beginning to change that. I am loving the smiles she gives and finally the giggles. I had my first chance to get her from her crib the other day and I could have melted. The way she smiled at me and just s t r e t c h e d.......Love It!! I worked in the kitchen while Nichole was upstairs sewing and she was in her high chair next to me just a talkin'. She is such a sweet blessing in our lives.

So I feel like I'm coming to terms with this whole baby thing that is going on in my life. The other day I had a talk with God and I told him I figured there was a purpose in all of this....LOL...So now I am just trying to be in the middle of it.
I'm honestly trying to get through it because I WANT to be there fully for the people that need me. These are my friends and I want my joy to be genuine. I remember those years and I remember how I needed support from people around me. During the years when you kids are small you are so vulnerable. I know I say "oh, just wait it only gets harder the older they get..." That's not all true - it's all hard - just different hard. If God has me in the teenage stage now so I can encourage all my friends that are going through the baby stage I truly want to embrace it.

Today I dream for you the ability to embrace the stage that God has you in but be aware of those around you. Have a beautiful day my friends...especially those with blessings that you allow me to love on and belly's full of new babies for me to hold..thank you for being part of my journey....I love you all so very much!!

consequences.....

Sometimes life is like jumping one hurdle after the other (I just wish I had longer legs.........LOL)

Today's post actually came to me as I was driving through town this morning. I only observed this scene for possibly 5 seconds and yet it said SO very much. It was in a convenient store parking lot. There were two vehicles side by side. The gentleman was lifting a large suitcase from one vehicle into the other as 2 children sat in the back seat. The woman stood back, arms firmly crossed with a very stern look on her face. I could be mistaken but I was pretty sure that this was probably a separated couple exchanging the children after a time of staying with the other parent. Sadly I have witnessed this scene on numerous occasions at different times throughout the years. And although I am blessed not to have had to go through this myself I have driven across the country with a dear friend to meet her child's father "half way". I understand the crossed arms and the look. It does not just represent the moment but possibly years of memories flowing through their mind. This scene is just part of the consequences of someones actions.

After I saw this scene I began to question what I could gain from what I witnessed. First I said a prayer for all those involved. Those parents..the children..the grandparents...the aunts and uncles...the people that will now go days, weeks or months without a hug from those two children. And it made me think about a conversation that we had with our kids just lately. I remember Rob telling Dustin..."EVERY decision you make has a consequence. Maybe good, maybe bad, but there will be a consequence. Sorry to Mr. Holt but probably the only thing I ever learned in Science class was..For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So simple and yet so profound. To go along with this, one of the most helpful things I learned in a Psychology class that I took a few years ago was this. One of the last parts of the brain to develop is the prefrontal cortex. This is what allows a person to understand consequences and be able to look long term. This finally fully develops around the age of 21. This made SO much sense to me!! This totally changed my way of parenting. I now parent under the assumption that they REALLY don't get it and it is not completely their fault. But this does not give them the freedom to do whatever they want, it just means I have to parent different. Just assuming that they will do what is right because you have taught them morals and values and have tried to live your life good is not enough. You have to be Hands On. You have to use Every instance to DRILL consequences into their head. You have to make the answers to those tough decisions solid in their minds. They are not just going to make the best decision because you are a "good family". I know plenty of "good families" that are living life differently than they had planned because of decisions that their children made that weren't the best...teen pregnancy, prison, drinking and driving - the list goes on and on. It doesn't make them bad parents or bad kids, just poor decisions. Most of those kids that I have talked to that are in these positions tell me that they wish they could change things, that they could go back because they would have done things differently.

But that brings me back to my earlier story. What happens when it's not a teenager? What happens when as adults we make poor decisions? When those decisions have consequences that hurt others and turn lives upside down? The other thing that Rob told Dustin is that no matter what you ALWAYS take responsibility for what you do. No matter how much pain it is going to cost you - you do it!! When we were on our way home from Milwaukee the other night Rob told us a story about a job that he was doing for a farmer not long ago. This was a man that he had never worked for but he had been referred to by some people that Rob had worked for before. He was repairing the man's ridgeroad and at one point he had to take a culvert out. The culvert was in good condition but they didn't need it so Rob was just to push it off into the woods and the farmer would come out later and pull it to his barn. Well as he was moving it part of his bucket came down and crushed the pipe. He hopped off the machine and looked in the pipe and sure enough he had caused about a foot long crack on the inside. It wasn't visible from the outside but the pipe's effectiveness was now compromised. Later that day when the man came up to see the job Rob took him over to the pipe and explained what happened and said that he would replace the pipe. The man looked at him and said "Rob - you didn't have to even tell me that. There is no way I would have ever known that was there." He said that he was not accepting a replacement and Rob was not to even think about it again. And then he said these words.."Rob Wanless, your reputation precedes you..." So Rob looked at me and said, "So what did he mean by that?" Rob is the most humble human being I have ever met. I explained that this man had been told by many people what kind of work Rob does. And now seeing his honesty he was completely impressed. No matter how hard Rob pushed to try to make things right with the man he would not talk of it anymore and Rob finally had to just accept the man's kindness. And there is no doubt in my mind that he will recommend Rob to others.

So Rob once again said to Dustin...Everything we do has a consequence...good or bad...there is a consequence. Rob's honesty and integrity has benefited him more times than we can count. He is an amazing man with wonderful values and in my eyes he is the most incredible man I could have ever imagined being blessed with. And yet I realize even with that no one is "perfect". Not Rob, not me and not our children. We all have our issues and weakness's'. There are many ways that Satan messes with us and tries to convince us that we are not worthy to be called a child of God. We see it all the time - Good people making poor decisions...If there is one thing I know - Satan is incredibly good at what he does. The Bible says Satan comes to Kill, Steal and Destroy. And there is no quicker way that he can put all of that into action than with one single action that sets off a multitude of consequences.

So today I dream for you the ability to pay special attention to your actions. What stream of reactions is that one thing setting off? Are there positive consequences to your actions or negative? Today set a goal of making at least one action that you know will have a positive consequence. Make someone smile, do a task to help someone out...the opportunities are ENDLESS!!!

My Meltdown........

I dream of making it through meltdowns....

Well for everybody who was waiting for me to finally crack, it happened. Last night I was an emotional wreck. But the crazy thing was, I couldn't pinpoint any one thing. At supper my poor husband had to listen to me sob because he asked me to pick green beans for supper and I just didn't have the strength to do it. When he walked in and made the statement "why do we have a garden if we aren't going to use the stuff?" I went into a heap. He gave me that sort of husband's deer in the headlight look. I sobbed that after a day of running Dustin to town and then back in to take his forgotten cleats to him. And the hours of bookwork that should have taken about 1hour. (which that lead to a whole breakdown in bed later about my ADD...I am still really in turmoil about what to do about that..) Then days now of trying to figure out my printer problems with still no luck and bills that NEED to be printed. Scattered with intermittent phone calls from him to go downstairs and get him this information and upstairs to get a phone number....AAAhhhh...So when he asked for green beans a whole lot went through my head. That means I have to go look at the garden that is an overgrown mess. Then there are the tomatoes that are still growing like crazy and really should be canned. Then there are the tomotillos that I never even picked even one along with the zucchini, summer squash and peppers. I just knew my limit and refused to even step foot out there...

All of this was followed by the real mess. I called my son at about 8 o'clock to see if he was ready to come home after his day of band practice, soccer practice and the JV football game. My tone may have been a little bit strong because sometimes I don't know why he has a phone if he isn't going to call me with it. Well, let's just say there was a whole lot of miscommunication about who was suppose to call who and no one was backing down. Finally Rob went and got him and as they walked in I could tell that the conversation had not been resolved. D was coming downstairs, picked up a case he had made for his airsofting stuff and as he firmly put it down in his room it busted into pieces...Not Good! Dustin began to loose it and Rob tried to get him to tell us what was really going on and I did my best to try and help. We tried to get him to talk because he was crying uncontrollably and then I brokedown sobbing while sitting in the middle of the floor. Slowly D stops crying and asked why I'm crying...first I am able to get out the words...I never knew parenting was going to be as hard as it is...and then..."I need Becca!!" Becca is the one that calms us all down. And then when Dustin won't talk to me I know eventually he will talk to her. But now she's not here and she is busy with her own life. What do I do with my poor son that is hurting and won't talk to me?? After a bit we did get out of him the fact that it basically comes down to the reality that in his words "kids are idiots!" People are saying stuff about him that isn't true and it is tearing him up. He wants the reputation Becca had as she left school as a graduating Senior. He doesn't remember the years preceding it that were filled with MANY cries of "kids are idiots!!" He claimed, "Everybody loved Becca!! She was voted Snowball Queen because she was so Popular!" That really isn't the whole truth. That happened basically because by that point in their Senior year everyone was able to see the fakes and backstabbers. So when they looked at the ballot they saw a name of someone they didn't hate. Someone who had always been kind and consistant in her values. Someone that treated them as a friend even when they didn't respond as kindly. And she did all of this with a smile on her face - that was Becca. Dustin claimed that Becca had tons of friends..that is so not true. Becca sat crying many many weekend nights while sitting in the house with Rob and I because nobody called her to go out. She graduated with a small handful of people she could call true friends. And yet she had close to 300 people at her graduation party. Because after all those years she was consistent in who she was and people are in awe of her genuine kindness. They understand that the friendship and love she offers is real.

But sadly, there is a price to pay for making good decisions. You are not always "the popular one". You are an easy target for those that have their life in a mess. People are quick to slander you with names like Drama Queen out of jealousy because they don't understand that someone could really be happy with the life that God has given them. Becca fought through that for years, Rob has fought through that, I still fight through that at age 40 and now Dustin has to fight through it as well.

By the end we just told Dustin that we loved him. And sadly this will be a fight he will have to fight for the rest of his life. Thankfully as he gets older they are fewer and farther between but there will always be people that won't like to see him happy. People that are unhappy with themselves and their lives so their only recourse is to try to make yours miserable. But through it all you have to be true to who you are. Be consistent with your values. Be Honest in everything you do. And above all keep a tight relationship with God. It is only through all of this that you can step back and look at the situation and see the truth of how Satan uses others to try and destroy you. Because in a nutshell that is what this life is all about..Good verses Evil. There is a spiritual battle around us and I choose to be on the Good side - so Evil will always try to tear me apart. But it is up to me to realize that while it is happening and surround myself with an army of people that love me and will fight my battle with me.

So there now - all of you who were waiting can now breath easy knowing that Linda finally broke...LOL!! I knew it was coming just as well as you did. After about 8 months of being on a high and going 100 miles an hour - I knew it would be like hitting a brick wall. I knew that it was coming but I didn't know in what form. And just so you know I'm not so crazy to think that it's not going to happen again in again. But we will get through it - we will adjust to our new reality.

My dream for you today is for you to live in the peace that only God can give. To know that when you have those meltdowns He has not left. He is that solid foundation that even though the world around you may be changing like the tides, He is forever SOLID!!! Have a beautiful day my wonderful army - you are greatly loved and appreciated....

a week of "lasts".....

Becca leaves for college on Saturday and that means we are in the midst of "lasts"....so for this week I dream of slowing down time...

This weekend we went to Minnesota for a quick getaway. All four of us love to travel and so many of our best memories have been made while on vacation. So we knew that we just had to get one more in before everything changed. As we sat at supper we talked about how this week will be the last with our lives like this...From now on it will be Becca's life and Our lives...Getting together from here forward will mean coordinating schedules and deciding where to meet. Phone calls will mean filling us in on new names, places and experiences that we aren't apart of. We all set there truly understanding from this moment on things will never be "the same".

That evening instead of going to a movie we decided to go back to our room and rent a movie and sit in our pajamas. That meant we could let Rob and Dustin laugh as loud as they wanted without Becca telling them that they had to calm down because they were embarrassing her..(which is the way things usually go in a theatre.) Most of the time I just sat and watched them all interact with each other. When it was finally time to get some sleep I snapped a picture of the 2 of them in their bed - fully teenagers now with their IPODs and cellphones within reach. But that scene of the 2 of them together takes me back to hundreds of times I watched them cuddled together just like that. In fact just a few days ago I went to wake Becca up only to find her sound asleep beside Dustin on his bedroom floor. Through the years they have slept in forts and tents or in our bed in the midst of a storm. I have one photo of the 2 of them sound asleep on the couch. They both insisted they weren't tired and so I told them they could just sit there until they were. It wasn't long before they were both fast asleep. These 2 have always been close. They even shared the experience of sleeping under the stars in a jungle in Costa Rica...memories...

The rest of the trip was filled with last minute school supply shopping and getting dorm stuff at IKEA. The car ride had the usual silly stuff. Dustin trying to play "I am an animal..." and Becca telling him to STOOOP!!! But she did give in when dad decided they should give each other cartoon character names. Rob was Paul Bunyan and Becca was Pocahontas. It was just nice to see everyone relaxed.

We got back home in time for a birthday party for one of Rob's cousins. It was nice but once again brought me back to the reality of more "lasts". I had tears in my eyes when I watched her hug our friend Pam and listened to the sweet words of advice that she gave her. I knew this wasn't just hard for us but for so many others. So many others have been impacted by her as well. She gave hugs to Julie (Jewelry) who had used her as a guinea pig when Becca was in preschool to help with a class she was taking in college. And then yesterday's cookout hugging Aunts and Uncles. And watching Becca's face, full of concern, as she kisses on Great Grandma and fully aware of the reality that more of these moments with her are uncertain.

But now it is Monday morning and she has a busy week ahead. Lots of packing and finishing up photography orders. And yet in the midst of all her chaos tonight she will go to Madison to visit with a friend that has just started school herself. She is already homesick and Becca is worried about her. So, she is dropping everything to go and encourage her and do her best to make sure that she has a good experience.

These are the things that makes Becca so unbelievably special. The reason that we will miss her piece of the puzzle in this home and in this city. There will definitely be a void as she leaves. I know, I know...everyone tries to give me the positive spin...I know all of that - I have repeated it over and over. But the fact is my baby girl is leaving my home and I am sad...I will miss her lying in my bed singing to me and rubbing my hair like she did last night. I will miss how she steps in the middle of an argument and tells us to stop. I will miss how she baby talks with Pup Pup like he's her baby. My whole house is a box full of Becca memories. I know it will be difficult.....but I am thankful that I am so excited for her. I don't think that she could be more prepared to be on her own. I know she will make a wonderful life for herself.


Today I dream for you the ability to capture a memory...there will be a time in your life that you will need it - to give you strength - or hope - or just allow you to remember what you had. Take it from a mom in the midst of change - it goes by like a flash of light...Have a blessed day my friend...