readjusting....

What do you do when you have an awesome goal and all the sudden you realize that it is Not going to happen? How do you readjust? One of the fears of putting yourself "out there" is the reality that if you fail you will fail in public. Satan begins to fill your head with all kinds of things like..."why did you even think that you could accomplish that?"..."You are a looser..."...."you are worthless.."..."a fraud.."... "a fake..." and not only that, Everyone knows it!!

So as many of you know a while ago I set up this whole 1-11-11 Achieve Your Dream...Woo Hoo!!! What goal do you want to be able to accomplish by that date? What do you want to be able to claim about your life on that date?" Well, also as many of you are aware, my Goal was to be able to call myself a runner... by my terms not others.. For me that meant accomplishing different races before then and improving times along the way. Well, I have been doing great. Following my Hal Higdon's running sheet that would have me ready to run a half marathon in October. And then my ultimate goal of a half or even a full in January at Disney World.

And then....about a week and a half ago all of that came to a screeching halt. I had been having some pains for awhile but really hadn't thought much about them but finally one day I couldn't ignore them any longer. The pains were in the right side of my abdomen and shooting pains into my right arm. Well after a whirlwind of tests and doctor visits I found myself having my gallbladder out and now facing the reality that my running schedule had now just been destroyed.

I have been running long enough to know that even a week off in great health puts you back a ways. But now for me, the week off of not feeling good, then the week of surgery and now recovery. I am fighting the feeling of defeat. What do I do now? Do I give up completely? Do I come up with a new goal all together? Maybe I should change my goal to organizing my closet - that seems doable...:-(...

But I have to go back to my original goal. When I set that goal for myself what did that actually mean? What feelings did I want to feel on that day. Yes I wanted to be able to say I had atleast 4 new medals. I wanted to be able to claim on that day that I was back to where I had left off in 2007. I WANTED it bad. But now what? So, I have to figure out what would give me that same sense of accomplishment. My mile markers may have to look different now. My progress may be slower and the road might be a little bumpier. My racing goals may have to be postponed until next year. It won't be long until the Wisconsin Winter will hit and the ability to run outside takes more determination than the rest of the year.

There are so many struggles that I am going through in my mind right now...For instance - it's a gallbladder for goodness sakes!! You don't even need it!! Why now? There is nothing heroic or incredible about gallbladder surgery. No offense but if one more person offers to show me the container of gallstones from their surgery I just might scream. And then I can't tell you how many times others have scoffed at my small scars and lifted their shirts to display a foot long scar across their stomach as if it were a war wound and tell of their week long stay in the hospital. I feel like I might as well be complaining about a hangnail. And yet this stupid surgery has thrown everything off...I have had so many people encourage me. They tell me that I everything will be back to normal soon. But they do not see the fight that is occuring inside my head. I know the arguments that I have ahead with my body. The struggle that I will have with it to get moving again. The war with my stomach convincing it that it isn't hungry. The way that Satan will take every moment to undo everything I have accomplished within the last few months. The recovery that I am going through right now really has little to do with these 4 little scars on my belly. It has more to do with the distruction zone left inside my head.

So that is where I am at this moment..readjusting...trying my best to look at my future with optimism and excitement. To find my footing and see where I am suppose to go from here...But I suppose that is the first step isn't it? Wanting to leave Here...even when I don't know where There is..

So today I dream for you the ability to take an honest look at where your Here is...what could There look like...maybe you tried to go There and you got thrown around and beat up and now you find yourself back at square one trying to decide if it is really even worth the work...Here may not be great or glamorous but it is comfortable and predictable....Take a moment and dream of There......have a wonderful day friend....

stories of a not so fast runner....

Last night I went for a run. I was scheduled to go for a 4 mile run but once I was out there it was so beautiful I didn't want to stop. I have gotten into a routine now. I drive my Jeep to the bottom of the hill - if you would see my driveway you would understand. I take some final drinks from my water bottle, clear the calories on my heart rate monitor, turn my Ipod to number 9 and start my stopwatch.

It's so funny the things that I had forgotten about running. For instance I HATE it the first 2 miles and then after that I don't want to quit. At mile 3 I start thinking that I should have worn a different shirt because the cute one I chose is now rubbing the flesh off of my arm pits. At mile 5 my right shoulder goes out of socket (everytime) and then at mile 6 I remember the term "runners trots..." and if you don't know the meaning behind that one I am not going to explain it on here. Although I didn't make it farther than 7.5 last night I remember that at mile 10 I really want to throw my IPOD on the ground because the thought of hearing the theme song to St. Elmos Fire one more time I just might scream. At mile 12 I can't really remember my name and at mile 13 you are cursing the person who decided to put that stupid .1 on the end to make it a half marathon.

And yet for some strange reason I am so excited to be running again. I love the time alone just thinking and pushing myself to do more - believing that I can someday get faster. Oh, the stories I have about being a not so fast runner...Like getting to the half way mark of these little country 5/10K runs and the people that are handing out the water have already deserted the area. I have gotten to the end of a 17 mile walk only to have nothing but bananas and warm bottled water left and the ER people packing up to leave...aren't we the people they should be sticking around for? I have been followed by the ambulance and the people taking the cones down as you pass.

But have to say that the most stressful was when me and my friend Ali were running the Grandma's Half Marathon (aka..the Gary Bjorkland) in Minnesota. At about 12 miles after looking at my feet for the last hour, trying to tune out the band with the bagpipes and repeating the middle school cheer.."I feel good..oohh I feel so good..hey" for the billionth time in my head.. a woman with some sign stepped smack dab in front of me and yells..."Get Off The Course!!!!" You can only imagine the confusion that was going through my mind - which at this point was the consistency of Jello. I panicked and looked around for Ali...Evidently the Evil woman had apprehended her as well because she stood on the sidewalk as dazed and confused as I was. The thing about this particular race is that you have to stay below a certain time. The reason is that the Marathon actually starts at the same time as the Half Marathon but the Marathoners begin 13.1 miles behind us. The problem arises when the slower of the Half and the fastest of the Full combine. They don't want that to happen - I would assume it might take away from the photo finish on the front page of the newspaper if this long legged African guy is neck and neck with a 5'2" pale white woman dragging her right arm and her crying friend across the finish line (okay, it may have been the other way - but it was pretty much a blur at that point. But back to story of the crazy woman - we never found out who that psycho was but we looked at each other and decided we didn't care what she said we were determined to finish that race. So for the next mile we would switch spots of encourager and crybaby about a dozen times. I kept saying "I have NOT come this far for them not to give me that stinkin' medal...I don't care who I have to talk to but I am NOT leavin' here without that thing around my neck..." And all Ali kept thinking about was her family at the finish line ......So we pressed on and crossed the finish line. I do rememver that I had this precious boy with Downs Syndrome place my medal around my neck and then I got my T-Shirt - I was on top of the world...and then tried my darndest not to pass out.

There have been some crazy things that have happened on my journey as a runner. And I am so excited for all those things again....And the one thing that I do have going for me that some of those girls with the long legs and the great feet don't have...after a race of that length and we all loose our toenails I don't even cry because I barely had any to loose in the first place....:-)

biking the hills of Richland County

This is the hill that Lisa and I dream of conquering....

This is sort of a mixture of a dream and working on my 1-11-11 goal. I dream of riding my bike up the hill where Hwy A and Hwy Z meet. That means "riding" not "walking with my bike beside me".

I have taken up biking as cross training for my race (which is still yet to be determined - I still REALLY want a Mickey Mouse medal but I think I will have to be content with a Donald Duck..) Anyway, I have kind of enjoyed biking, which is really funny. Growing up, if I thought that I hated running, I despised riding a bike. In fact the only time I ever remember being on a bike was at my grandparents in Kingsland, Tx. Me and my brother found this cool bike with a banana seat and it was painted like a flag. We would push it up to the top of the hill and coast down. That is my only memory of bicycling when I was a child.

Although,I do have some funny memories of bicycling after Rob and I were married. Atleast I think they are funny... For our honeymoon Rob and I went to Mackinac Island. It is a beautiful island that is full of history and beauty and the unique think is they have no cars of any kind. So the only transportation is either bicycles or horse and buggy. Well we thought it would be romantic to rent a tandem bicycle to ride around the island to see the sights. Rob was in the front and I was in the back with the camera. Well Rob had this opinion that if I am playing photographer I am not doing my job as a peddler...The last straw for him was when we were going up a steep hill and he kept saying that I wasn't pedaling. When in fact I was trying - honest I was. But the madder he got the funnier I thought it was and I couldn't quit laughing which makes it hard to concentrate on pedaling. By the time we made it to the top of the hill Rob was about to puke and didn't think I was at all funny. So as he stood over the bike talking himself out of loosing his lunch I had to snap a photo...That was the Last time we ever rented a tandem bike and we have been married 22 years...coincidence - I think not....

What brings this to mind is that now that I live in Richland County we are completely surrounded by hills. So taking up biking is no small endeavor for a girl from West Texas where the only hills are in the cotton rows. It is so flat that when Rob was in the Air Force his base was 30 min away and from my house I could see his water tower....FLAT I say!!! My sister-n-law Lisa (who is also from West Texas) and I have made a pact to conquer these hills together. Today we did 10 miles. At the half way point I understood Rob's nauseous feeling 22 years ago. I got to a point and I had to get off or I would surely die. I looked back from where I had been and the slope seemed to go on forever, which I was proud of but when I looked up to the top at where Lisa stood waiting for me on her bike I honestly couldn't decide if I wanted to puke or cry. I have run these hills but biking them is whole different experience.

We set a goal to make it up one certain hill without stopping. At this point I am a little skeptical but always up for a challenge. I will keep you updated but don't look for that post to soon.

Well my dream for you today is that when you are in the middle of a hill in your life, you neither puke nor cry but reach down and find the strength to reach the top. Have a wonderful day all.

1-11-11 Goal (rainy day workout)

So today I got up at 5:30 to go outside for my run because we were suppose to get storms all day long. As I walked outside I realized I was too late. After whining and complaining for awhile I decided to go do the treadmill.

My exercise studio is in the garage…LOL…(I like to call it that). I have a treadmill that I have had for about 6 years, an electrical stationary bike that none of the readings work and it won’t change speeds so I don’t use it but it makes me feel like I’m at a gym. I do have a nice weight machine that is tucked into the corner. It’s huge and impossible to move so now that it is there it isn’t going anywhere. I think that gives Becca some comfort knowing that when she goes off to college her room won’t get turned into an exercise room.

I head out there and get on the treadmill, not excited at all. Realize that maybe if I open the garage doors then I will feel like I am running outside. Get off and do that. Back on. I watch Pup stare at me for a long time and I can only assume that he is wondering why we are up at this crazy hour and what the heck am I doing on this machine. Keep running. I get fed up with looking at the dirt on my treadmill so I have to go get a washcloth to clean it off and then I might as well clean my other stuff while I am at it (even the bike…lol…- that’s the OCD in me) Back to running. Pup then starts carrying around one of those little bug catcher things that the Orkin man puts out. I have to get off and take it away from him. I finally get into a pretty good rhythm and start to enjoy myself. I watch Pup chase a frog around and enjoy the sound of the rain pouring down.

I finally get done with 1 mile (yep-that’s it –sorry if I disappointed you) and I am completely drenched. I thought to myself that I might as well have run in the rain. I did a half a mile cool down and decided to do some weights.

The weights felt good and then I tried to do some lunges across the garage and then I did something not to smart. I tried hopping across the floor. The first jump and my right knee screamed at me. I have had lots of problems with it so I promised it that I wouldn’t try that move again.

Although I will admit I really fought hard this morning against exercising at all. I didn’t want to do anything. It was a great day to curl up in bed with a good book. I realize that I didn’t do as much as I wished I had but I did something. I know I dream of being a runner by 1-11-11 but my first step is to run…maybe it won’t be fast or beautiful or long but I have to start somewhere.

Dream on everyone and have a great day!

a runner by 1-11-11 (Day 1)

Okay - I can't believe that I am putting stuff like this out there because then there is a WHOLE lot of pressure to follow through. But this morning I was out for a run and I tried to decide how to keep myself motivated to run. I have tried to decide if it to sign up for the Mickey Mouse Marathon in January or Maybe a half marathon in October or even our local Symon's Fun Run (5K) in August.

I am so new at getting back into the running world that I really don't want to overwhelm myself yet. But I thought that if I wrote about my journey on my blog then it would encourage me to atleast keep moving.

Between 2006 and 2007 I ran 3 half marathons and many other races. But it is crazy how fast your body can revert back to it's old ways. So as I was out for my run this morning I started to get frustrated with myself. Mainly because my average minute per mile on my 3 mile run was 15.5 minutes. Not that even at my peak I was very fast but I just felt like I was literally at the bottom of a mountain looking up at how high I had to climb just to get to the point that I could honestly consider myself a runner again.

So that is why I have decided I am not making these journal entries about a specific event. My desire is to be able to confidently say I am a runner (okay a runner by very loose standards though...just to get that clear...)

My goal is to journal about my runs and workouts and non runs and fighting with myself about not wanting to workout. It won't be an everyday post but just when I feel like I need to get something out there that I don't want to forget.

So although this isn't my typical kind of posts it is most definately a dream.

So I encourage you to find something to dream about. What would you like to accomplish by 1-11-11. That is 175 Days!! Decide on a dream and let me know what it is...If you want the accountability I will even do a special post on my wall of everyone's dreams...

Well - dream on.....and have a great day