The feeling of a camera in my hand

 

The decision to open up my blog and start to look at again has made me sentimental for my camera. I can't even tell you the last time I held my camera in my hand.  I'm not sure if setting my camera down was intentional or not. I know that after returning from Bolivia I really wasn't using it much and then Becca was asking to use it more and more for a second camera for wedding shoots and so I just had her keep it unless I needed it. Life takes on so many changes. Years ago my camera was attached to me as my arm was. I saw the world through the lens of a camera. 

As nervous as I am to begin to blog again I am equally as nervous to photograph. Last night a sweet friend and I had a good talk about being a photographer. Yes we can say that we do it for ourselves and that is true because it is a love but to put your work on display is very difficult because it is a reflection of your heart. Whether it be my writing or my photography I know it is for myself... It has to be for myself... And the older I get the closer I'm getting to truly being in that spot... But we have to be real and admit that we are human....

Okay... I really need to go accomplish something today...

Today I dream for you the chance to pick up something that you have long ago put down. Something that you thought you wouldn't get the chance to go back to.... Why not??? Have a beautiful day!

 

my love for writing.....

I have always enjoyed writing for as long as I remember. If passions are indeed generational then there is no doubt that I followed in my mother's footsteps. I have so many memories of Momma writing poetry and songs. If you knew what my life was like growing up it wouldn't surprise you at all to know that my first memory of writing a story was that it was actually written by Momma. I think I may still have it in a box of memorabilia. I remember coming home with my assignment and showing it to her. Then when I came home from school the next day Momma had a story wrote for me....It was about a girl and her friend and how they wanted to be ballerinas. The reason I say it was typical of my life is because Momma was not the typical mother that made sure you followed through with homework or even really knew what we had going on in school. And there were many memories of waking up in the morning to Momma asking me if I wanted to stay home from school. School was not a big priority in our home so if Momma wanted to do some of my homework than more power to her....

The embarrassing thing is that my next writing memory also involves a story that wasn't my own. I was a Sophomore in high school. I don't remember the assignment but I remember my story clearly. I remember drawing a blank and one night while listening to the radio I heard a song that I had never heard before and thought the subject was incredible. So if I remember correctly I basically plagiarized the whole thing and turned in my paper. Well to my fortunate surprise our teacher that year must have lived in a cave without a radio because I not only received an A but she commented on how much she loved the subject. So for the last 25 years I have been unable to hear the song "The Cat's In the Cradle" by Harry Chapin without getting nauseous....ummmm yeah Linda let's pick a song that is going to be an national icon....geez.... I often wonder what her thoughts were the first time she heard the song after grading my paper. Let's just say I was never so happy to see a teacher leave our school after one year than her. 

Since high school I have many memories of writing. I remember writing a series of children's books when my kids were little which had characters that were machinery. They moved about and did different things and the stories had a moral to teach kids......Well, my first problem was finding anyone who could draw a bulldozer holding a baseball bat...no one could seem to envision what was going on inside my head and I felt that kind of ....pat her on her head and tell her good job....kind of feeling. So I put them away and gave up on that silly dream...Within a few years I remember my jaw dropping the first time I saw Bob the Builder...."IT'S MACHINERY WITH EYES!!".... Followed by Thomas the Train and a steady flow of similar material. Sure, I could have had the mindset that this was a prime opportunity to jump in but the reality was that I didn't know the first step in getting a story published. So my dream set on a shelf.

After that my writing basically consisted of family Christmas letters until I decided to return to school life in 2004. My first 2 classes were Speech and English....- talking and writing.....I was in Heaven !! My classes reignited a passion for writing that I had forgotten was there. I remember how insanely difficult my History classes were but knowing there was little else that I wanted to do at that time than sit and listen to Dr. Zorea discuss the Cold War....It was like a rebirthing of my mind.

I received my Associates degree a few years ago and I cannot even begin to count the times I have questioned what is next....I have one child in college and my 2nd will be there before I know it. I have so many dreams that jump around in my mind....Life Coach, Motivational Speaker, Professional Organizer or maybe just run away to a far away land with my husband.....aahhhh....But honestly with everything I see in my future it somehow includes writing. I want to write a Parenting book, A book on Worship, A book on Organization.......there are so many things that go through my mind but I just don't know where to start.....

This morning I went into my office that is lined with countless books that I have collected through the years. There was a book that I remember purchasing during that first English Class.....It is called The Writer's Idea Book.....As I thumbed through it I got that excitement in the pit of my stomach again. The book is designed with different "prompts" to help you stretch your writing mind....I felt like a little kid getting giddy with the possibilities......

In a few days it will be December....I have no idea where this year has gone...So I know that before I know it I will be sitting at my computer writing my 2011 Christmas letter. What will it say???.....What will this next year be filled with....It doesn't even seem possible that I will be writing that my children will be 20 and 17.....The 19 and 16 are difficult enough for me to process this year....But what will I be able to say about my life...what challenges will I overcome.....what adventures will have I have lived .....Where will my love for writing weave itself into my hopes and dreams.......sigh....

Today I dream for you a memory.....stop and remember a love that you have had since you were a child...was it cooking.....dancing.....singing.....painting....taking care of animals....teaching.....the ideas could be endless......What of those passions can you see resurfacing throughout your life.....What is God calling you to do with that passion.....And the most important question...what is keeping you from living it......

Have a passion filled day my friend.......

a completed journal....

Only a very few of my journals...


I dream of completing a journal...

My name is Linda Wanless and I have a journal collecting addiction. I LOVE a new journal. Even sitting here thinking about journals gets me giddy. I know I am a little off but if you haven't figured that out by now then you have a few problems of your own. If journaling has never even crossed your mind then you really have no idea what goes through the mind of an addict like me.

First there is the selection of the journal. This is the first sign that I have an addiction. I have honestly tried to walk into Barnes and Noble and leave without visiting the journal section. But it is like a shopaholic not visiting the clearance section of Dooney and Bourke...impossible! I nonchalantly walk over to browse and I feel like a kid in a candy shop. The massive selection of colors, textures, sizes and the smell of leather...oh, my... I begin to pick them up one by one envisioning that this time it will be different. If only I could find the perfect journal than I am sure that I would fill it from beginning to end. It has to have just enough color to keep me interested for a long period of time but not to much that I get nauseous when I look at it. It has to have the correct binding - will it lay flat or be able to bend around so I can hold it comfortably in my hands? Is the weight good? Is it too bulky or to small? Does it need to able to fit easily inside my purse or on my bedside table?

Then there are the things that the layperson might think are nonessential but are of utter importance...What pen will I use? Black, blue or a colored pen, ball point or felt tip or maybe even markers so that I can use different colors for the mood I am in? Does the pen fade through the page onto the other side? If I choose one certain pen will I always have it handy because I KNOW in my head that if I don't I will discontinue writing in it because the ink won't match. What FONT will I use...Now quit laughing at me....I'm serious. Should I use cursive or print...large or small....go with how I feel that day? Is the journal the way I like it or do I need to add embellishments - ribbon, words, something to make it Perfect? How often will I journal...once a day, once a week or when the urge hits me?

And then the most important step...what should I journal about? Should it be stories about my life growing up? (for that all important day when I am begged to write an autobiography..) Or maybe ideas for books or articles. A journal of vacations we have taken. Conversations to my kids telling them about their days so they can read them when they are older. The gratitude journal following Oprah's example - 5 things that I am thankful for today. There is the typical journaling about my day to day life. A journal of my prayers to God and how he answers them. A journal of my hopes and dreams. There are so many choices......And yet out of that list above I have started them all and so many more but sadly I admit that I have completed very few.

As you have read this you probably understand that I set myself up for disappointment when it comes to journaling. I put alot of pressure on that little book. And as I am writing I realize so much of this thought process happened when I started my blog. I have just transferred those irrational OCD feelings over to the cyber world. But I have truly been working on the idea of Not Being Perfect... Of just being me.. If I want to change my layout every week than I can or if I choose to use a different font next month then the world is not going to crumble around me.
This form of journaling has been so freeing for me. I don't know that I have ever been more real with an audience about my fears and faults. It has allowed me to feel more authentic than I have for most of my life. And I do this not just for the entertainment for all of you (although I can't lie - your encouragement and comments have stroked my ego and pushed me to continue) But it has allowed me to verbalize some of the imperfections that I hold inside that make me feel inadequate. They may seem tiny and insignificant to others but in my own head they all add up and weigh me down. Satan has way too much power over our thoughts when we allow them to float around inside our minds - but when we release those thoughts then much of the power is gone. So the more I can free them the lighter I feel. And in the process I get to give you all a few moments of humor.

So today my dream is for you to find something to feel lighter about - free yourself of something that is really insignificant in the scope of eternity. Decide if it is an area you want to improve on, let go of or just be content to be the way you are.

Have a blessed day friends!!

a blank page......

I dream of a blank page....wow, there were like a dozen different meanings for that statement that just went through my head.

I dream of a blank page as a writer. The freedom to create from scratch the words and colors that go through my mind. The excitement of following along with the page anticipating, just as the reader, where each word will lead me. The enjoyment of sharing the stories inside of me in a way that allows my reader to feel emotion - joy, sadness and encouragement.

I dream of a blank page as a decorator. When I was in high school if you asked me what career I wanted "when I grew up" I would have confidently answered - an interior decorator. LOL!! I was just looking through a photo album with a picture of my room when I was a teenager. It had blue wallpaper covered in white daisies - small daisies on 3 walls and the focal wall with Large ones. My bed had a quilt that my grandmother made me that has since been put away because it is so worn through that I fear that one more night's sleep with it and it will fall apart in my hands. But my favorite part of my room was a winding white wrought iron plant stand that displayed all my stuffed animals...funny memories. I was so proud of my room. I think I must have rearranged it every month. I am really not much different now. I love looking at the potential of a room and dreaming of the placement of furniture, colors and artwork... Although I didn't follow my career goal that I had dreamed about then I believe my love of decorating has served me well. I love my home and it makes me feel joy and peace and I think that is what a home should offer it's occupants.

I dream of a blank page as a gardener. Now don't get me wrong because I do love a fresh tomato from the garden, but I love the day that we plant it maybe even a little more. The way the soil looks right after it has been tilled. How it just falls through your fingers and smells of spring. I love the even, precise rows when you stand back after the planting is done. The way the garden is as weed free as it will be until the following spring. I love dreaming of the harvest that it will bring. I don't know if my husband has caught on yet but I don't know if I am so much a gardener as it is the decorator inside of me that enjoyes the whole gardening life. LOL! That and the photographer side of me. I can't wait to get my canning done so I can display all the jars and photograph them...well either way my family benefits so I will just keep doing things the way we are.

I dream of a blank page with relationships. There is an excitement about meeting a new friend and learning random things about their lives. And the excitement that comes with the anticipation of spending time together. The peace that they are judging you on what they know about you at that moment and not by the history books of your life that are sitting on a shelf in your head waiting for someone to pull one out and smack you with it. But at the same time it is beautiful to have a blank page with old relationships. One of the best parts of ADD is that I have the ability to move on to something else rather quickly. Also I am blessed with a very bad memory at times which works well in some situations (but not so good in others). Recently I went through a difficult time with a friend that I have had since I was a little girl. I had been hurt for months and the longer I kept it inside the more it was consuming me and seperating our friendship. Finally one day we decided to talk. She was amazing! The first thing she said was that she wanted to listen and hear my words. She wanted things to be better and so even though she knew it would be difficult to hear what I had to say it was more difficult knowing that I was hurting and there was a way that she could help me feel whole again. As I spoke about the situations where I had felt hurt and frustrated she just listened without defending or getting angry. She assured me that although it was not her intention to hurt me she gave me confirmation that she understood why I would feel that way. I take blame for not speaking up at the time things happened. I don't know if I decieve myself into thinking that I don't want to hurt them and so I just try to stuff it down or if I am just afraid of conflict. What I do know is that after our talk our relationship is even stronger today. And like I said the benefit of having a bad memory, along with the help from God, is that I have forgiven her I honestly can't remember details on any of those things that were dividing us. I probably could if I tried really hard but I stop myself the moment I start to go there. I am ready to move forward. I am so very grateful for humility, for forgiveness and for friendships.

Today I dream for you a blank page....maybe it's the ability to be creative...maybe it is a blank page to make a To Do list...or maybe it is to offer someone a blank page in a relationship or be open to receive one....

Dream on....and have a wonderful day!