There can be No shadow without the LIGHT

John 8:12 Jesus says “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Many of you know that I have suffered from depression for about 10 years now. I have 2 different kind of days when it comes to D DAYS. I have my Shadow days and I have Dark Days. Shadow days are difficult days but they are manageable with medication. Those are days I may be down but I have people around me that encourage me or I listen to Christian music or do my Bible study. Dark days are very different. Dark Days are days are exactly that. Dark. I sit alone. Those are the days I just can't move or make sense out of life. Functioning is almost impossible.

The reasoning behind the naming of my days is with God being my light, on my Shadow days I can atleast feel God's presence in my life. I may feel lost but somewhere inside of me I know that He hasn't moved and I know that there is Hope. I just haven't figured it out. On my Dark days it is exactly that. Dark. Any voice I hear is my own in my head and it is always reminding me that I'm lost.

Now the question would be why don't I insist on making sure that I implement something into my life everyday to ensure that I don't have those dark days. Easier said than done. I'll save that for another post. And I also want to add that I don't have D Days all the time. Thankfully!! Many times life can be going smooth and I can be doing great. It's hard to know when they will come or how long they will stay....

Anyhooooo......... what started this thinking...........

Yesterday I heard something that stuck with me throughout the day and the ruminating has continued this morning so I thought I would share it here.

There can be No shadow without the LIGHT.

It's a simple little fact and yet I can't even begin to imagine all the information a Google search would bring up on the subject. And so as to not confuse my mind any farther I thought it best to keep them contained and not do that Google search.,,,,,,,, (Squirrel.....................)

The photo above was a shot that I took a year or so ago in my kitchen. I remember trying to set things just the right way so that the sun would come in through the window to get the shadow in the correct form that I desired and make a heart. It would have never crossed my mind to do this photo in the evening... well unless I had lighting equipment.

There can be No shadow without the LIGHT....

Now.....I LOVE Light... Absolutely Love it!!!!! When I'm home alone I am one of those people who leaves lights on (don't tell Rob).  I LOVE laying out in the bright bright sunshine where I can hardly keep my eyes open because the sun is so bright and feeling the heat on my skin. There are few things in life that make me happier than sunshine.... sigh... (As I sit here and write we are at the beginning of a cold Wisconsin Winter with a temperature of 2 degrees out so those days happening around here are far off so it's time to get my light box out....)

 Since Jesus IS The LIGHT then anyone who walks close to him will benefit from that light. The further we move from His presence the more difficult it is to benefit from that light. I personally have struggled with this in my own life in the last several years and can say that if I could get this one truth nailed down I would have so much more peace.... I'm trying... I'm trying... I'm trying.....

 Hebrews 13:8 says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So Jesus never leaves us. He never moves away from us. When we cry out to God and wonder why he is silent I have to wonder how many times that silence is because we have traveled so far from the light that we wouldn't even know what to look for if we saw it. Why do we get angry with Him? Why do we feel that He has deserted us? When we are the ones slowly inching away, doing our own thing in the world thinking that it is no big deal. Once we give our lives to God he doesn't put a fence around us and tell us we aren't allowed to wander. We have freedom. So when we decide that what the world tempts us with seems "not so bad"..."not so harmful"..."what's the big deal"...."God won't really mind"...."I'll come back later"..."I'm just trying new things"... "I'm trying to find myself"...."once I have kids I'll change"..."doesn't he love me for who I am?".... We begin to make so many excuses that everything seems to be okay. And suddenly we begin to serve a wimpy God who says.... "I changed my mind... anybody can come to heaven"....... well.... I think that's probably the bible that we make up in our head when get so far from the light that we can't read the scripture and we are all huddled together saying... "yeah, that sounds good!!"...

Today I dream for you LIGHT.... Think about it in ways that you have not before. .... I ask that you remember that Jesus is the Light.........and that you would be so close to the light that the shadows would be more strong and brilliant more so than you have ever experienced

The Joy of the Lord.....

Heart, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

Last night I was watching the Biggest Loser with my sweet husband. I have watched the transformations these individuals have made and it always moves me to tears. For so many reasons....I am so happy for them and for their families....I understand what that change is going to mean for them....I know their futures are forever changed....well, at least for the ones that truly "get it". The ones that have worked through their issues and know why they turn to food for comfort...why they would rather sit in front of a TV watching others loose weight than do it themselves.



I've been there. I've had the motivation and the time and the determination to get the weight off. To get healthy. But what I don't think I have ever dealt with is Why??...I keep repeating the same patterns throughout my whole life. And I keep ending up right back at the same spot or even worse. And so I gain weight and that makes me depressed and then I am depressed so I gain weight....



During a week moment last night I asked Rob if he would be my personal trainer. So when Rob takes something on he does it with everything he has. So this morning starting at 6 am he starts asking me if I am ready to get up and exercise....uuummm...NO!...It's dark and I'm sleeping!! So for the next half hour he worked on irritating me enough that I finally got up so he would quit bothering me. He informed me that we were going outside for a run...Are you CRAZY? It's 10 degrees outside...So he says.."then you will have to put on alot of layers..."



I knew Rob was taking this serious when we were ready to start he asked if he could pray...That was so Sweet!! As he was praying he said..."I thank you that Linda has the desire to be out here..." And I couldn't quit laughing....Ummm. I had the desire to go to a heated gym....You were the one who drug me out in the Frozen Tundra....



I will admit I was GRUMPY....He kept wanting to run and when I would "run" he was still walking...which makes me remember what a slow runner I am.....The farther we went I was torn...I was enjoying being outside but I kept getting madder and madder. He didn't realize that part of Bob and Jillian's role is counselor. So as much as I needed to exercise I needed to get stuff out...Why can't I get a handle on this???...Why do other people not struggle with this??...Why am I even trying???



At one point I had a visual....My heart was tired....Not physically (but it could be that too!) But my heart is just tired of everything........selfish people............people that I feel disappoint me........circumstances that I am tired of dealing with........tired of disappointing myself......I'm just tired!!



Last night I actually got out my book, Fearless Living. I have so many things highlighted and circled - I just started reading.....A few of them stood out....



But there is never a guarantee. While we wait for circumstances or people to change that are outside of our control, we can end up feeling sorry for ourselves, resentful and helpless...



Expectations will always build evidence for you and against others...



She had to accept where she was before she could move forward....


I could go on and on.....So many powerful things....that is what I want...To Live Fearless!!!!



I don't want others choices to affect me in such a way that I can't function.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, resentful or helpless....

I don't want to put expectations on others so much so that it drags me down when they don't meet them..

I want to stop giving others control of my Joy and Peace!!

I want to accept where I am...to own it....so that I can move forward with my life!!!.....



So...does this all mean that in the morning I am going to jump up out of bed with a smile on my face and be ready to take on the day.....Ummm....I don't know if I would go that far. But I do know that I want to take my power back. I know to many people that are Negative....I don't ever want to be that....I often tell myself that I remember when I was a Happy Person.....I still have every reason to be happy. If others around me choose to live in constant negativity than I can't let that alter my life....




10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”



That is how I want to live my life....Enjoying food and not letting it dominate me......Helping those that are in need......and not grieving because I KNOW that my Joy comes from the LORD and I find my strength in HIM!!!!....

Can I get an Amen??......

Today I dream for you.....Joy.....the Joy that comes from HIM....not that Joy that the world offers that comes and goes...but the Joy that comes deep within your soul......



Have a JOYFUL day friend.....

frustrated with my failures

Taking a picture of my Coaching books atleast made me get them off
the shelf....Now maybe I will open them up....:-)

As you might have noticed I have been gone for awhile. I tried to decide if I discuss the reasons why or if I just go on to new topics such as Christmas Trees and Snow Days....but....I decided I needed the therapy session. A chance to talk it through in my head and maybe sort some things out.

Well the number one reason that I haven't blogged is mainly....because it was going good...Yep, that is the usual reason I stop doing something I love. I knew it was coming when I received the email that my blog is going to be featured with a story I wrote for my favorite website...InCourage on the 17th of this month....

This is so much of a pattern for me that it is completely insane. If I listed all the things throughout my life that I began and didn't finish it might be the size of a set of Encyclopedias. But it's most frustrating when I LOVE what I am doing and there is no reason for me to stop....but I do.... and once again....I feel like I have failed....

My hardest "failure" within this last year was my Life Coaching class. I LOVED it!!! I mean ALOT!! I loved everything about it. I loved the books. The teachers. The people that I was meeting. The classes were taught by teleconferencing a few days a week and so it was Perfect! ....And the things that I was learning were not only helping me move toward my dream of being a Life Coach but they were helping me through obstacles in my own life as well.... Wonderful!!....

The incident that stands out in my memory of when it came to a halt was when we had to start finding people that would be willing to have us coach them. I contacted one of my friends that actually started me blogging. I asked her if there was an area that she would want to work on....Organization, Scheduling, Tasks that she wanted to get done. She was very excited and willing. I emailed her a worksheet filled with questions that let me know her style and where she hoped to make progress....It was Great. She was excited. I was excited. And so.....of course....I Stopped....I remember getting her email back and looking over it and beginning to form a plan. I don't really remember the thought process that happened next.... All I do know is that time went by and I didn't respond to her and I hadn't done any of my classes and since that day I haven't opened one of my books.

Every once in awhile I try to be strong and I will stare at my books on my shelf and I really want to open them...if for no other reason than for myself. But I haven't gotten that strong yet. There is the failure on many levels....Of course there is the money that I "wasted"...that is my biggest guilt. Then the reality that I have yet another dream to throw in my bucket of UnAccomplishments.....sigh....

The other day something happened that made me realize that I need to really work through this and get a handle on it. The last few months I had been working on getting in shape and loosing some weight. I was doing okay and was down about 25 pounds and feeling good. No one had really said much but I was feeling great. Some things happened in my life and I relapsed. I was eating terrible and I had quit exercising. A couple of weeks went by and during 1 particular week I had 5 different people ask if I had lost weight or say that I was looking good. I would say...No - in fact I have gained weight back...trying to convince them of how bad I had been. When I would get home I would eat uncontrollably things that I hadn't eaten for months.

The worst was the day I was getting dressed and I put on a pair of blue jeans that had gotten pretty loose on me...I pulled them up and struggled to button them....I actually uttered the words...."there....see....I told you...."....I stopped myself and just stood in my closet and cried. I would love to say I got a grip and things are back on track but they have only gotten worse.....So now throw on the anger at what I have done to myself, the disappointment and the frustration.....Do I see why it happened - of course....I had a goal - fit into a certain pair of jeans by Christmas....Feel good by our trip to Jamaica....Be a runner by 1-11-11.....What happened??? I was getting close..........

.....sigh....what now?....Well I figure today was a step...blogging again....getting back up on that horse. And this morning I told Rob that I plan to exercise today He kept saying that he was so proud of me..... and I want him to be...and I want to be proud of me too!!....

Now I do realize that it's only 7 am and many times I think I can conquer the world while I'm in my PJ's and lying in my bed. But the real test will be when I put my feet on the floor. But hey, I figure that at least I am wanting it all again and that is a step...some days you take what you can get....

I know for a fact that Satan knows our weaknesses. And many days I think that he must have mine on a neon flashing light over his desk so that he is sure to never forget. He knows how to bring me down to a level where I am not productive and filled with despair.....and so today I claim....SATAN - YOU WILL NOT STEAL MY JOY!!!

Today I dream for you....fulfillment...completion...achievements....I dream that you can focus on something that you want and that you can see it  through until the end. That you can find the discipline and determination to follow through, so that on the other end you can look back and be proud and strong.....

Have a beautiful day my friend...<3

a compromised immune system.....



photo of Rob holding my hand while we wait for my results of my biopsy....thanking God there was no Cancer but not understanding what it would mean for my future dealing with Hoshimotos......

 I remember when Becca got back from her trip to Germany a few years ago she came down with Mono. It completely wiped her out. Rob and I ended up sleeping downstairs and giving her our room that got more sunshine and she could have the windows open to get fresh air. As a mom it was terribly hard to see my poor girl so very sick. Since that time we have had to be very careful not to let her get to exhausted. Whenever she overdoes it she pays for it later. I can almost guarantee that after something major she will get some kind of sickness. In fact right now - after just starting college a few weeks ago - she is going to the clinic today with strep. Her mono was intense and it did a number on her immune system. So as a mom it is difficult for me to sit by and watch and wait for what might happen next. The sicknesses that she usually gets aren't major - but they are enough to shift her world.....

I was thinking about this today because of what I am going through in my life lately. I have had some big things happen in my life the last several years. Things that turned my life upside down and left me questioning alot of things - including God. I can remember one day standing in the shower sobbing just saying over and over that I don't think I believed that He was real anymore....That time in my life was the deepest of all my pits. There have been many throughout my life but none affected me the way that this one did...Two years later I finally was able to pull myself out of my pit and start to live again. But even though I was living it was like my "immune system" had been compromised. Things would come along that normally I could handle and yet I found myself slipping back into that pit....all I wanted to do was sleep and forget about the world....So for the past several years that has been my life. A majority of the time I am fine..I Love Life - everything about it....and then something happens....something that shakes my foundation. That has been my last several months. I feel like I can't get my footing. Every time I think I am doing okay my world shifts and I feel myself falling again. In the last few months I have lost a wonderful friendship, listened to my mom tell me she had another stroke and lost her eyesight in one eye, sent my beautiful daughter  to college, watched my son go through things that no child should have to go through, held another part of my family as they dealt with things that broke every bit of my heart - I never want to see a mother cry from the depths like that again, had to have gallbladder surgery and attempted to deal with another relationship that has taken every bit of strengh out of me and has brought out sides of myself that I don't like feeling. The list could go on and on and on..........

And then I have weekends like this weekend....most of it was good stuff - honestly. I loved working at the JMP tent and talking with people and visiting with my friends. And at the same time knowing that the money we are raising goes towards some amazing kids....good stuff....and yet - The long hours and stress and responsiblities of setting up and tearing down every day, days of preparing the food, decorating, serving, having company & staying up until 3:00 am because I knew it was the only real time I would get with them, not feeling guilty leaving the others alone at the tent to watch Rob in a skid steer competition, and the same problem with going to watch D's band play, the final day of tear down while completely exhausted, and then still looking around my kitchen at the piles of things that need taken care of....I just feel Overwhelmed....I feel myself falling back into my pit and I am having a hard time talking myself out of it.

All of this and then the fact that not long ago I was diagnosed with Hoshimoto Disease which is an auto immune disease that affects my thyroid.You throw on top of that my nervousness from my ADD and I just about drive myself crazy. I am always shaking and on edge. And so that is what makes me think of Becca. In the same way I am protective of her I have to be protective of me. I am my biggest advocate. Most of what happens to me in the world is out of my control. But I can have control of how I handle it. I take alot of deep breaths, talk to God ALOT and have great Dr.'s who take good care of me. I make it a priority that in the calm times I surround myself with positivity. I make sure my house is as clean and organized as it can be...so if I am out of sorts for a few days my house won't overwhelm me so much...I try to make sure I make good connections with people that are positive and honest with me...so that when I can't see the truth I know that these people will speak truth into my life....I lead a life that is as clean and pure and encouraging as I can so that when Satan tries to convince me I'm unworthy I can look back on my past and see the positives in my life...

I could dwell on the negative parts of my life....some seem to think that I have had this picture perfect life and if they only knew the trials that I have gone through they would wonder how I even stand. Happiness is a choice.....it is not a right.....sometimes I have to make that choice several times a day...or even an hour....I don't LIKE the pit...No matter how much Satan tries to convince me that life is better there...it's comfortable to live in the midst of your pain - it allows you to defend your actions...my friend and I use to joke that we were in our pit so often that we have it decorated and should have our mail forwarded there......I don't Want that.....I want JOY...I want those around my to be Joyful....and honestly most people want to be around Joyful people.....negative people attract negative people....I CAN'T stand negativity...honestly I can't  - I don't mind hurting people...in fact it brings me great joy to help someone with their hurt....but I can not surround myself with negativity....it is not good for me....it is not good for my family and those around me.....So if you are around me any amount of time you will hear me say the phrase...."Satan - you will not steal my JOY..." and I have to live by that....

So.....well.....hhmmm.....I guess this was one of those posts where I just needed to sort some stuff out in my head. I don't know what else to say.....maybe you can relate....maybe you have had trials that have put you in a pit....maybe you have people in your life that just insist on living in their negativity and you just want to run from it.....well, then I guess  today I dream for you a healthy immune system....I know amazing Dr.'s but most of our problems are things that they cannot cure...What a difference our life is when we go directly to the one that created us....He knows us best....He knows how to make us joyful.....So today - choose to be JOYFUL!!!

living with ADD....attention deficit disorder

I dream of living a life without ADD….(attention deficit disorder)

I remember the day that I finally had enough. I finally realized that things weren’t “normal” for me. I was sitting in my living room with a group of friends during a meeting. I purposefully watched as each of them sat still while everyone else talked and they seemed to focus on what was being said. In the meantime, just like every other meeting before, I crossed and uncrossed my legs – I sat on one leg and then switched to the other – I got up to check on things in the kitchen. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested, that wasn’t it at all. This has been the way it has been for as long as I can remember. This wasn’t the only indication that made me think that I had ADD but this was the one that made me the most self conscious. The next day I made an appointment with a counselor to see if there was anything I could do. As I sat in the waiting room I questioned even being there. This was ridiculous. Everyone gets sidetracked and jittery. There is nothing wrong with me.

After we had talked for awhile she gave me a “test” to complete. It seems like it was 10 pages or so. I remember thinking that was the dumbest thing to do to a person with ADD - 10 questions was overwhelming enough…After I completed it we went through the answers together and at the end she told me that she believed with overwhelming certainty that I did have ADD…Now what – “yippee??” what do you say to that:? She talked about medication but I had no interest in that at all. Honestly, the reason is that in my history of medication I never remember to take it consistently so that was too much pressure. The more we talked she commented that throughout my life I had come up with ways to “deal” with things already. That is very common with Adult ADD.

One of the things that is probably the most irritating to me is reading. I LOVE reading!! I can’t express that enough, I LOVE READING!! But for me to read anything is so time consuming. For instance if I pick up a newspaper to read. The first thing that I have learned to do that allows me to calm my nerves is to look at headlines first. I open it up and scan through all the photos and headlines just to get a feel for what is there. After that I can then go back and pick a small article to read first. Then slowly I can go onto another one. Same thing with a magazine. If I open up to a page, before I can read anything, I have to “let” my eyes wander around the page – Top, Bottom, Right, Left and then I can somewhat begin to read what I would like. I say somewhat because even though I have already went through my routine I very seldom get through a complete article. It is not only my eyes that are fluttering wildly while I do this. My heart rate increases and I feel my hands begin to tremble.

I enjoy reading self help and motivational books but I can only read pieces at a time because my mind gets overwhelmed. The purpose of reading books like that is to learn from them so I really want the information to stick. If I just read normally I would read a paragraph and look up and honestly not be able to tell you anything that I read. Mainly because I am going through that first step like I do with a magazine. I am not taking in, I am just getting comfortable with the words. So then if my mind tells me it was something that I want to remember I reread it and reread it again. This makes reading for me so time consuming and a struggle. Reading fiction is much easier for me because I don’t have to comprehend and it allows me to relax. So I usually have several kinds of books going at one time so I don’t overwhelm my mind and my eyes. (just a side note.. if you ever have handed me something to read real quick, this is the honest truth - I will take it, stare at it and my eyes willl be fluttering like crazy - I will hand it back to you never having read one word...I can not tell you how many times that has happened in my life...LOL)

I have the same frustration with my moving around all the time. If I am in a movie theatre or seated where there are people close to me I am constantly aware of my movement. I can’t do my normal crossing and uncrossing of my legs as often as I would like so I find myself giving myself permission to do things like stretch my right foot and then my left or bend my toes, any kind of movement just to calm my nerves. It is almost like I am claustrophobic and if I don’t continue to move my body I will suffocate. At my age I have done this so long that I don’t think of every move but if I stop to think “am I doing it now?” there has never been a time that I haven’t caught myself not doing a movement or in the midst of needing to move.

The book that the counselor recommended that was a life saver for me was Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell and John Ratey. I have never read anything that explained my life like this book. In the book there is a woman named Sarah that made a list of her symptoms and she might as well have copied a page from my journal. Here is just some of her list:

* Daydreamed a lot as child
* Called “lazy”
* Like novelty, lots of changing interests
* Have lots of ideas but have a hard time structuring things so they actually happen
* Desk cluttered
* Forgetful
* Work best in a framework: things need to fit into the whole picture. Feel like I’m always looking for a structure
* Have always felt that I think differently from most people
* Handwriting: sometimes I write things I don’t mean to; skip letters or form them wrong
* Bathroom cleaning on Sat: look at job, feel overwhelmed. Turn on radio to get me going. Find the music irritating later and turn it off. Remember the job and tackle it. Often I feel like I have to push through a wall to get into a job.
* No matter how organized I try to be, I always mess up!
* Always trying to organize things, but it doesn’t come easily. If I don’t organize them I won’t know where they are.
* Lose what’s in my head easily
* Organize my life around projects. They give me something to think about
* Inwardly feel desperate. Reassurances from other people don’t help.
* Doors and drawers – never close them after myself, then come back and see them and close them
* Inside, I feel like I’m saying, “I’m not stupid!”
* General problems with distractibility and disorganization
* Most at peace when I’m doing something with my hands like gardening or on the computer

This is my life daily!!! I fight with my head and my body everyday. Right now as I write I have been at this one post for over almost 5 hours. Stopped to go to town with my son - Back at it – stop for lunch - Back again – go look for my book – back again – go watch tv with Becca – and now I am back again and those are only a few of the breaks I took. All the while my arms ache from shaking and I move from sitting to laying positions over and over.

This post is difficult for me. It lets you into a side of me that not a lot of people know. Now, I am constantly joking around about my forgetfulness and stuff – it’s easier to make fun of it all. That is how I cope with most things in my life. But there is also a part of me that also thinks that people will read this and say – Linda, everyone struggles with this stuff. It’s no big deal and I should be able to cope better. Maybe I just hope to be understood a little better. Another step to being real and authentic. This is me and it's another piece of the puzzle that makes me who I am.

If you ever get a chance to read this book or offer it to someone else it is such a great resource. There is so much more that goes along with the symptoms that I have described so far. There are many other conditions that may accompany, resemble or mask ADD – for me some of these are - anxiety, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), Hyperthyroidism or hypothyroidism and depression.

Well I realize that was a big chunk for today but today I dream for you the ability to be honest with someone about something that you are dealing with…you never know how it might help to free you and even help them in the process…have a wonderful day friend….

readjusting....

What do you do when you have an awesome goal and all the sudden you realize that it is Not going to happen? How do you readjust? One of the fears of putting yourself "out there" is the reality that if you fail you will fail in public. Satan begins to fill your head with all kinds of things like..."why did you even think that you could accomplish that?"..."You are a looser..."...."you are worthless.."..."a fraud.."... "a fake..." and not only that, Everyone knows it!!

So as many of you know a while ago I set up this whole 1-11-11 Achieve Your Dream...Woo Hoo!!! What goal do you want to be able to accomplish by that date? What do you want to be able to claim about your life on that date?" Well, also as many of you are aware, my Goal was to be able to call myself a runner... by my terms not others.. For me that meant accomplishing different races before then and improving times along the way. Well, I have been doing great. Following my Hal Higdon's running sheet that would have me ready to run a half marathon in October. And then my ultimate goal of a half or even a full in January at Disney World.

And then....about a week and a half ago all of that came to a screeching halt. I had been having some pains for awhile but really hadn't thought much about them but finally one day I couldn't ignore them any longer. The pains were in the right side of my abdomen and shooting pains into my right arm. Well after a whirlwind of tests and doctor visits I found myself having my gallbladder out and now facing the reality that my running schedule had now just been destroyed.

I have been running long enough to know that even a week off in great health puts you back a ways. But now for me, the week off of not feeling good, then the week of surgery and now recovery. I am fighting the feeling of defeat. What do I do now? Do I give up completely? Do I come up with a new goal all together? Maybe I should change my goal to organizing my closet - that seems doable...:-(...

But I have to go back to my original goal. When I set that goal for myself what did that actually mean? What feelings did I want to feel on that day. Yes I wanted to be able to say I had atleast 4 new medals. I wanted to be able to claim on that day that I was back to where I had left off in 2007. I WANTED it bad. But now what? So, I have to figure out what would give me that same sense of accomplishment. My mile markers may have to look different now. My progress may be slower and the road might be a little bumpier. My racing goals may have to be postponed until next year. It won't be long until the Wisconsin Winter will hit and the ability to run outside takes more determination than the rest of the year.

There are so many struggles that I am going through in my mind right now...For instance - it's a gallbladder for goodness sakes!! You don't even need it!! Why now? There is nothing heroic or incredible about gallbladder surgery. No offense but if one more person offers to show me the container of gallstones from their surgery I just might scream. And then I can't tell you how many times others have scoffed at my small scars and lifted their shirts to display a foot long scar across their stomach as if it were a war wound and tell of their week long stay in the hospital. I feel like I might as well be complaining about a hangnail. And yet this stupid surgery has thrown everything off...I have had so many people encourage me. They tell me that I everything will be back to normal soon. But they do not see the fight that is occuring inside my head. I know the arguments that I have ahead with my body. The struggle that I will have with it to get moving again. The war with my stomach convincing it that it isn't hungry. The way that Satan will take every moment to undo everything I have accomplished within the last few months. The recovery that I am going through right now really has little to do with these 4 little scars on my belly. It has more to do with the distruction zone left inside my head.

So that is where I am at this moment..readjusting...trying my best to look at my future with optimism and excitement. To find my footing and see where I am suppose to go from here...But I suppose that is the first step isn't it? Wanting to leave Here...even when I don't know where There is..

So today I dream for you the ability to take an honest look at where your Here is...what could There look like...maybe you tried to go There and you got thrown around and beat up and now you find yourself back at square one trying to decide if it is really even worth the work...Here may not be great or glamorous but it is comfortable and predictable....Take a moment and dream of There......have a wonderful day friend....

reading glasses.....

I dream of not wearing glasses...My question is - when did this happen?

I guess it has really become an issue because of the problems with the blurriness due to my surgery. But for the past few years it has been happening slowly. You know the holding a can in the grocery store and trying to read the label. Moving your arm out and in trying to make out those tiny letters. It may of been happening slowly but I am not kidding when I say it seems like on my 40th birthday it made it's claim and is here to stay.

I remember one of the last times I was home my sisters and I were in Target or some place similar looking at "drugstore glasses". You know the ones over by the pharmacy that all basically look the same. Well they may look the same until you start to need them. Because now I find myself checking them out everywhere. I mean if you are going to have to wear them they might as well be stylish right?

And now I truly feel like my father n law when it comes to glasses. He has pairs of glasses EVERYWHERE. In his vehicle, in his office, upstairs and downstairs, but only if he's lucky does he have a pair in his pocket. I know I will be the same way because it seems that I never have a pair where I need them. If I am lying in bed and want to read a book I would have left them in the office. If I need them while I'm cooking I would have left them in the living room while reading a magazine.

Now I REFUSE to be one of those ladies that has a nice jeweled necklace that holds her glasses. Someday if you see me with one just rip it right off of me. Not even kidding. It will be like a mini intervention. You may have to calm me down because I would have made it myself with a group of ladies in a beading class but that right there means that I need help. I want to be the grandma that takes my grandkids white water rafting and repelling. A beaded necklace with my reading glasses attached would only cause problems...

Dustin just walked in and read my blog and he asked me why I don't get bifocals...AHHH - how am I having these conversations...He said if I didn't get bifocals then I was going to be one of those people that keep wearing their reading glasses and look over the tops of them....Oh no!!

About a year ago when I was at the eye doctor I brought all of this up. He said, "how old are you?" I told him that I was almost 40. And he said that I was right on schedule. He said to be thankful for the 40 years my eyes had given me so far. I guess that is the best way to look at it. I had to give my mom the same advice a couple of weeks ago. She called me to tell me she had another stroke and this one had left her blind in one of her eyes. She had just had surgery not long before to get rid of her cataracts and she was so happy. She said she never remembered things being so bright and crisp. And then to loose that so suddenly. It sort of brings things into perspective. We are incredibly made. A true work of art. But even a masterpiece ages even kept in the most pristine and secure place. My body has definitely not been locked away somewhere for safe keeping for the past 40 years. I have lived my life as fully as I have known how. My eyes have seen so many of God's beautiful creations from Oceans to mountains, to the sweet face of a child confined to a wheelchair in an orphanage in the mountains of Jamaica. My eyes have served me well. I realize that what I am going through right now is so completely minor in the scheme of things and just another phase in my life that I will adjust to. But I NEVER want for things to change in my life without fully understanding and appreciating what I had and where I am going next.

Well today I dream for each of you the time to look around and appreciate the gift of sight that God has blessed you with. We are never assured that tomorrow we will have today's gifts. So watch your children run and jump, look into the eyes of someone you love, look up at the clouds and just say thank you to the maker that made it all possible....Have a wonderful day friends...

gallbladder surgery...

So yesterday Lisa took me to the hospital to have my gallbladder out. Got there at 6:45 am. I ended up talking to several different medical staff. It seems like I answered the same questions a dozen times. The worst must have been the anesthesiologist. I think she gave me way to much information - she explained detail by detail what she would be doing. I wanted to say..."Lady just promise me you'll knock me out good and then I really don't care what happens after that..."

When it was time to push my bed down the hallways to go to the operating room all I could think of was the show ER...LOL... They moved me over to another bed then proceeded to attach stuff all over body. Stretching both my arms out and more attaching thingy ma bobers all over. I remember at one point a nurse holding a strap and putting it around my legs. The only feeling I can relate those few moments to was when I went bungee jumping - your pretty sure that everything is going to be okay but just a little freaked out. I remember she told me she was going to put some stuff in my IV and that it might sting a little. Well it didn't sting so much as I felt it from my head to my toes - incredible quick.. which for the few seconds I had left I told God he was an amazing creator.

The next thing I remember was waking up in my room and Lisa standing there. For those of you who don't know Lisa (Lowrie) Wanless we grew up together in Texas and married brothers and both live in Wisconsin now about 3 miles apart. Well Lisa actually is a nurse at the Richland Hospital so whenever I had any questions she was great at comforting me.

I did forget one thing that was Hilarious before I went into surgery. The anesthesiologist put a patch behind my ear to help with nausea. Well that little boogar has probably caused me the most trouble. At one point I begged Lisa to do something about the desert that was in my mouth because I couldn't have anything to eat or drink before surgery. She finally was tired of my complaining and went and wet a washcloth and she proceeded to moisten my mouth with it...LOL...We both kept trying not to laugh but that scene was so funny.

Moving ahead again. Now was the beginning of "recovery". The joy of trying to go to the bathroom - I looked and felt like I had been on a 3 day drunk..LOL..They brought me some toast which was pretty much impossible to eat. As you say your prayers to God this evening you really should thank Him for saliva...Seriously. I don't think I ever even thought about it before... but I vow never to forget it's importance.

I slept off and on. It was great because they kept bringing me warm blankets. I loved waking up to see Rob and then Becca. Another funny thing in the operating room was when I told them that I actually had a day planned at Sundara Spa for me and Becca on this particular day. So they kept pretending that they were actually part of spa...so cute...




beautiful flowers from loving people - I am truly blessed..

Well finally we headed home at about 2:00pm which I think is amazingly quick but I was truly ready for my own bed. I just wanted to sleep. Well when I walked into my house Lisa and Becca had already brought all the beautiful flowers that kept filling my room all morning. My counter is covered with wonderful fragrances and vibrant colors...Every time I pass them I have to stop and smell them. As the day progressed and into today my shoulders and back have been hurting - which they say is normal. But the most uncomfortable thing right now is that my hands won't quit shaking and I am having a terrible time seeing clearly. Earlier as I went upstairs I stopped to enjoy my flowers and was very much irritated that I couldn't read any of the card because of small print. The only one's I could pick out for sure were the one's that Nancy had written - I Love her handwriting. I am also blessed with the food that friends and family have delivered. I am so beyond grateful for the love given to me and my family.

So now I just wait and sleep. I am slowly trying to spread my pain medicine out. I have set up camp downstairs on the couch where it stays cool and the tv is bigger so I can actually make out faces. The downfall of being down here is that the dumb smoke detector has needed a new battery for 2 days now. I think it is hilarious that the other 3 occupants of the home just ignore it. I suppose they are waiting for me to get better so I can stand on a ladder to change it...


Today I dream for you healthy bodies...non beeping smoke alarms and the ability to swallow toast.... Love You All!!

**You will have to forgive any typos and crazy sentence structure. But honestly if you could see this body trying to do this today you would be amazed out how I got any of this completed. I tried to go back through and fix stuff but then I thought I'll just leave it be - it's part of the experienc...

canning season........

This is my storage area...and it is even before the kids have taken down all the tomato stuff from Sundays canning session - I'll admit I'm pretty proud...We should be good for the Winter....

Today I dream of being done with canning. Well that isn't all true because I actually enjoy it once I get started but it is alot of work and takes alot of time.

Saturday morning Rob woke me up with a kiss and said "I was just wondering..." then I grabbed my pillow and covered my head and kept telling him that I couldn't hear him. I knew what was coming..and then I heard the words.."do you want to do some canning today?" For him it means a winter full of chips and salsa. But for me it means piles of pots and pans and hands that smell like onions. Rob complaining that his hands are on fire because he refuses to wear plastic gloves to cut the jalapenos. It means all of us asking why it is that out of 20 knives not one is sharp enough to cut through a tomato. It means standing at the stove for hours upon hours waiting for pots to warm up - or cool down - and constantly forgetting to set the timer. But probably my biggest pet peeve is the tomato splatters EVERYWHERE. I just resolve myself to the fact that my stove will be a mess and I will deal with it at the end. But as I stand there watching red drops bounce onto my cupboards and the floor and the white wall behind my stove it just means More Work...

This year has been the absolute worst year for our garden. You would think if I said we had so much rain and sun that it would have been great for it. In actuality I think it destroyed it. Our tomato plants got late blight and I haven't had one tomato that was a perfect round and red. They are misshaped and have black cracked tops. We ended up using what we could and got some from the neighbors. Theirs had struggled too though. Our cucumbers did crazy things. They never got big around, they just grew long and narrow. I thought maybe we messed up and got the wrong seed but one of my friends said hers did the same thing. Our onions never got very big at all. They would make great cocktail onions...LOL..They came up and then the tops all died off. I told Rob that Honestly, next year we really really just need to cut back and when it's time to can just go to the Amish and get everything we need for the day. Less stress and guilt - I would be a much happier gardener...

So on Saturday Rob's mom came and helped core tomatoes and cut onions and peppers. The first day we just did salsa all day. On Sunday we worked on Tomatoes, Peppers and Onions - I use those for chili and stuff like that. As we got part way into Sunday's batch Rob started panicking that we needed more tomatoes. He began calling around but had no luck. So as I had my last batch in and the dishes done and counters cleaned a friend called and said the she had scored us more tomatoes. Rob was thrilled. Me and the kids - not so much. So, everything back out and did some more stuff.

At final count for the weekends canning session.
52 Quarts Salsa
19 Quarts Stewed Tomatoes
4 Quarts Spaghetti Sauce
4 Quarts Chili Sauce

And now I keep looking at my canning book and seeing if there a few more things I want to get to before the end of the season. I haven't decided just yet. First I have to get my kitchen back in order before I can start a new mess.

Today I dream for you splatter free walls and that your house doesn't smell of onions like mine does!! LOL!

Have a wonderful day friends!

fresh veggie pasta

I dream of cooking with vegetables straight from my garden. This weekend we had a family reunion that included a potluck. I found a recipe for a pasta that I had been wanting to make and realized that most everything I needed was in my garden.

I had so much fun taking my basket outside and filling it with summer squash, broccoli, tomatoes, onions and peppers. Along with one of my favorite herbs - basil.
Although the recipe claims 10 minute prep time it ended up being 1.5 hours before all was complete. For the vegetables themselves you cut, season and roast them for 40 minutes. Then I decided to put some chicken in mine so that took some time as well as for the pasta. At the end you make a sauce of a little real butter, fresh Parmesan and fresh basil melted in a pan and stirred into the pasta, veggies and chicken.

The result was scrumptious and tasted like summer!! In reality there is such a small window of time for these kinds of meals. Most of our suppers throughout the summer consist of very little meat (unless we do it on the grill) along with sweet corn and steamed veggies...

Our garden is alot of work and sadly this year it is not the best we have had. Our tomatoes have gotten late blight because of all the rain and humidity. So it looks like our big canning extravaganza of tomato products (salsa, stewed tomatoes and tomato soup) will come from some of our Amish friends. (which really doesn't hurt my feelings) They have acres and acres of produce that they grow for Organic Valley(which is about 25 minutes from us). When it comes time to ship their vegetables any that aren't perfect get set aside. So when Rob works up there they send him home with boxes and boxes of fresh veggies of all kinds.

Today I plan to pick greens and possibly do some canning this evening if I get enough. I don't mind it so much really - it is just time consuming but so worth it in the middle of winter.

Well, have a wonderful day and I dream that you can enjoy the vibrant taste of fresh veggies today!!

stopping short of the goal....

I dream of a day where I can finish what I start....There are so many ideas that jump around inside my head. I grasp at them and try to do everything and yet many times at the end of the day I am left with nothing more than chaos.

I have always wondered why that I insist on coming close to the completion of a project and then stop within site of the finish line. This became visual to me a couple of years ago when I took up running. I had plans of running a half marathon which required ALOT of training. So as the days went by I noticed a pattern. Whenever I gave myself the goal of running to the next light pole for example, I would get just within feet and then begin to walk...hhhmm... This was so representative of the way I conducted my life.Whether it be cleaning the stove, doing the laundry, paying the bills or loosing weight. I consistantly stopped short of success.

Since during running you have plenty of time to think, I tried to understand why I conducted my life in this manner. Well, the answer seemed to be clear (most likely it became clear before mile 8 because after that I pretty much have a brain of jello). I felt that if I didn't complete things than I can consider myself a failure, unworthy or not perfect. As I worked through this I realized this was completely true but that didn't help me understand the reason why. I wondered if it was because of the worry of what others thought of me, but I don't think that is the case. Because I complete the tasks to a point that people around me would think that I have things together and organized. But inside my head I know different. When people would comment on how clean my house was I would berate myself inside my head because I knew the TRUTH. When people would comment on how impressed they were that I was running a half marathon I was giving myself a list of times that I knew were not what I was capable of.

So, they say that the first step is admitting you have a problem. And now I am very aware that going through life like this is not effective. I find that so much of my life is still conducted in this manner. There are times that I have to talk myself through completion. When everything in me wants to stop short I have to push myself to finish (sometimes it is as simple as scrubbing the kitchen sink). But I am a work in progress - but honestly - aren't we all?

my lifelong dream....

I'll say it flat out........I dream of being Thin....yep, that's my dream. That's the dream that I wake up with every morning and live all day long and I fall asleep with at night. Wow, not easy to just put it out there like that but it is such a part of who I am. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely Love my life. I have the most incredible, sexy, caring and loving husband any woman could ever dream of. And honestly I have 2 children that are every mother's dream. I love where I live and where I am in my life right now.

And yet the same fear that was with me when I was 10 years old is the same fear that is with me at 40. The fear that others judge me. The fear that I won't be able to fit in my blue jeans the next time I try them on. The fear that Oprah is going to call me and ask me to be on her show and I am going to look like this.....(yep, that's how my head works). My life revolves around my weight...I should go for a run, I should start a new diet, I should sign up for a gym membership, I should go shopping for "healthy food", a new calendar will help, or maybe a new exercise outfit. It's never ending. And as quickly as the excitement comes the disappointment is surely to follow....The money wasted on the unused gym membership, the stack of diet books staring at me that never got read, the "healthy" foods that I ended up throwing away, the exercise outfit that is now to small (followed by the thought - If I thought I was fat when I bought it what must I be now??..)

One of the positives that comes from getting older is the ability to see patterns. One pattern for me is that the moment I start seeing real progress or someone says something positive about my weight I know that very soon I will revert back to my old habits. I haven't quite figured out why but I know it to be true. I wonder if somewhere deep inside my head there is a comfort in being overweight. If there is a security in knowing what the future holds in this area - like the one thing I can control....diet, gain, diet, gain, diet, gain....all the things that go along with my weight I know and understand - I could write a book or teach a seminar....( a LONG seminar). But with everything else it is a world unknown. My kids are growing and will be gone before long. My marriage is wonderful, but what if something were to happen to the man who is my best friend. Our business has always been good but as we are seeing we are never assured of what our economy will do. Houses burn down, people pass away, friends turn their back on you and yet the one thing I know is that today I will battle with the brownies on my counter. I know that I will struggle 20 times inside my head trying to make myself go for a run. I know that one day I will get on the scale and be proud and the next the same task will put me in a pit.

My weight loss battle has been with me as long as I can remember. It has been more consistent than anything else in my life. I know it is there. I know it will never leave me. I know it knows every thought in my head. It understands my tears and it rejoices in our triumphs. So, back to my dream of being thin. I think somewhere inside it scares me. That if I become healthy and fit people will see me as different and expect different things from me....or maybe that will be what I will do to myself...and then that "friend" that has been with me might start to fade away just like the other things in my life and that scares me more than everything that comes with being overweight....hhhmmm....