There can be No shadow without the LIGHT

John 8:12 Jesus says “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Many of you know that I have suffered from depression for about 10 years now. I have 2 different kind of days when it comes to D DAYS. I have my Shadow days and I have Dark Days. Shadow days are difficult days but they are manageable with medication. Those are days I may be down but I have people around me that encourage me or I listen to Christian music or do my Bible study. Dark days are very different. Dark Days are days are exactly that. Dark. I sit alone. Those are the days I just can't move or make sense out of life. Functioning is almost impossible.

The reasoning behind the naming of my days is with God being my light, on my Shadow days I can atleast feel God's presence in my life. I may feel lost but somewhere inside of me I know that He hasn't moved and I know that there is Hope. I just haven't figured it out. On my Dark days it is exactly that. Dark. Any voice I hear is my own in my head and it is always reminding me that I'm lost.

Now the question would be why don't I insist on making sure that I implement something into my life everyday to ensure that I don't have those dark days. Easier said than done. I'll save that for another post. And I also want to add that I don't have D Days all the time. Thankfully!! Many times life can be going smooth and I can be doing great. It's hard to know when they will come or how long they will stay....

Anyhooooo......... what started this thinking...........

Yesterday I heard something that stuck with me throughout the day and the ruminating has continued this morning so I thought I would share it here.

There can be No shadow without the LIGHT.

It's a simple little fact and yet I can't even begin to imagine all the information a Google search would bring up on the subject. And so as to not confuse my mind any farther I thought it best to keep them contained and not do that Google search.,,,,,,,, (Squirrel.....................)

The photo above was a shot that I took a year or so ago in my kitchen. I remember trying to set things just the right way so that the sun would come in through the window to get the shadow in the correct form that I desired and make a heart. It would have never crossed my mind to do this photo in the evening... well unless I had lighting equipment.

There can be No shadow without the LIGHT....

Now.....I LOVE Light... Absolutely Love it!!!!! When I'm home alone I am one of those people who leaves lights on (don't tell Rob).  I LOVE laying out in the bright bright sunshine where I can hardly keep my eyes open because the sun is so bright and feeling the heat on my skin. There are few things in life that make me happier than sunshine.... sigh... (As I sit here and write we are at the beginning of a cold Wisconsin Winter with a temperature of 2 degrees out so those days happening around here are far off so it's time to get my light box out....)

 Since Jesus IS The LIGHT then anyone who walks close to him will benefit from that light. The further we move from His presence the more difficult it is to benefit from that light. I personally have struggled with this in my own life in the last several years and can say that if I could get this one truth nailed down I would have so much more peace.... I'm trying... I'm trying... I'm trying.....

 Hebrews 13:8 says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So Jesus never leaves us. He never moves away from us. When we cry out to God and wonder why he is silent I have to wonder how many times that silence is because we have traveled so far from the light that we wouldn't even know what to look for if we saw it. Why do we get angry with Him? Why do we feel that He has deserted us? When we are the ones slowly inching away, doing our own thing in the world thinking that it is no big deal. Once we give our lives to God he doesn't put a fence around us and tell us we aren't allowed to wander. We have freedom. So when we decide that what the world tempts us with seems "not so bad"..."not so harmful"..."what's the big deal"...."God won't really mind"...."I'll come back later"..."I'm just trying new things"... "I'm trying to find myself"...."once I have kids I'll change"..."doesn't he love me for who I am?".... We begin to make so many excuses that everything seems to be okay. And suddenly we begin to serve a wimpy God who says.... "I changed my mind... anybody can come to heaven"....... well.... I think that's probably the bible that we make up in our head when get so far from the light that we can't read the scripture and we are all huddled together saying... "yeah, that sounds good!!"...

Today I dream for you LIGHT.... Think about it in ways that you have not before. .... I ask that you remember that Jesus is the Light.........and that you would be so close to the light that the shadows would be more strong and brilliant more so than you have ever experienced

Repairing and Forgiving

My memory is a crazy crazy thing.....You would think that with such an amazing memory I would remember to do things like pay bills on time or to give my dog his medicine....but Alas.........No.....(in all honesty I remember those things, it is just the lazy part of me that walks by and says....hhmmm...I"ll do it later....But that is a whole other blog so we will leave it at that.....)

I spend insane amounts of time recalling things like the layout of my high school, junior high or even elementary....which teacher was in which classroom and sleeping under the teachers coat closet was the best place for naps when we were in kindergarten. Or things like remembering what I wore to the Rick Springfield concert....I can remember that my favorite thing to eat at Paco Taco in the mall when I was a kid was a Chalupa and that the Potato Factory was across from it but was only there for a few months....I remember songs I sang in Vacation Bible School at Ropes and the layout of a girl's house I had a sleepover with in Fort Worth the summer I stayed with Debbie in 4th Grade......

Why do I remember this stuff? Why do I care to remember this stuff at all????? I honestly have no idea.

Most of the time it is fine....exhausting but fine. But what I was thinking about this morning is what I can't remember. I had a normal upbringing I guess you could say....LOL....(a whole lot of stuff just went through my mind as I wrote that and thought...normal huh????....) But in the scope of things it was pretty typical.

I can almost picture the moment when as kids we stepped past the threshold of the days of everyone being everybody's friends to "groups". I remember looking at the girls that had spent the night with me celebrating my 9th birthday at the roller rink screaming out the windows of Diane's yellow Vega...."HEY AMERICA....PEACE TO THE COUNTRY!!" and laying in my bed when Diane and Neil came to my bedroom window and scared us to death while laughing hysterically. But within 6 months there was a line....I knew it and they knew it.....

As much as I can remember I can't remember who my friends were for the next several years. Now don't think that I'm saying that I don't remember their names because I can pretty much tell you everyone that was in my 6th grade class and where they sat in Coach Timmon's room. But I don't know if I had a "group". I don't remember sleepovers or birthday parties....I wonder about that young girl and how sad she must have been during that time.

When I was in Junior High I made cheerleader.....LOL...(that is another one that I will blog about later because that is a whole story in and of itself...) But you would think that being cheerleader would have moved me into a new "group". Nope, it just made the differences stand out even more. There were people that made sure even harder that I knew my place and my place was not with them.

High School got better....I found Suzy and Gina....LOL...funny - I say that like it was such a big school. It wasn't that I couldn't see them within our class of 26 students. But finally in High School we became a "group". I have memories of the first time watching Prince's VHS Purple Rain at Suzy's house. I have memories of waking up on Saturday mornings in Gina's room to her dad playing county music on his guitar. The memories of our 4 years could fill a book for me.

But so writing all of this the crazy thing I have been thinking is that I can't remember the bad stuff. I mean....I can....but I have to think really really hard. The other stuff flutters through my head endlessly but the really rotten cruel things that I know happened to me don't come so easy. There are times that I start to wonder if this is what they mean by stuffing things down deep inside. That one day I am going to "Snap" and it is all going to surface......that freaks me out just a tad bit....

Since those school days I have had my share of rude and malicious people that have come through my life. I have had hurtful things done and said to me....But honestly those memories come back to me very rarely. It's times like this as I bring it to my mind that my heart hurts for the girl/woman who was on the receiving end of many incidents that could have caused irrevocable damage.

So what brings this whole topic about...........well......Yesterday was quite a day.....maybe someday I'll blog about it more in depth but right now I just want to hold it and not speak to many words into it.....but long story short a relationship that was very important to me had been somewhat fractured....okay that is putting it mildly...maybe a full body cast...It was a slow process but finally in a matter of moments it was over.... I couldn't imagine how God could repair it....And yet Yesterday through a series of incredible and only God circumstances I sat last night holding the hand of one of the most precious people in my life.....crying and laughing and being honest about where we both had been in our lives....

Being friends for as long as we had been there was hurt along the way...I'm sure there was...But I don't remember it unless I try really hard. If I'm in a bad mood or in a pity party I can dig around and bring stuff to the top. But day to day that hasn't been what I think about. I think about Kwik Trip Chunkalunkas and how I miss her handwriting. So yesterday morning when God put things into motion I couldn't even remember how we had gotten to where we were and honestly I didn't care.....

Yesterday I wrote on my Facebook Page..."Have you ever known me to hold a grudge?....I think it's my ADD"....I really have a hard time staying angry at people......

***(Now even though I say that - there are people throughout my life that have said mean things about me and have done things that make me realize that it is not healthy to be in their presence....I may not hold a grudge but I am not a "wet noodle"....LOL.... )***

But I do think there are several reasons I am who I am...I would Love to be able to say.....I am able to Forgive others because of my amazing prayer life...I am so in touch with God...I realize that the forgiveness that he bestowed upon me is the same that I should offer to those around me....
But sorry to disappoint you....although that is somewhere deep inside, my main reason is honestly that I want to Love my life.....I HATE being bitter....being angry....being sad......I LOVE to laugh so hard I pee my pants....to see others happy....to hug and encourage and bring joy to those around me......

A few months ago I had the opportunity to sit down with a woman that was actually one of those girls from my childhood days....one that was in another "group". I was home and we decided to meet for lunch. We hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. It's that same story I told you earlier...I never dwelled on the hurts caused by her and her friends but if I concentrated I know they were there. We were both rather nervous but as we sat down we began to talk first about our lives now but then we went back to those days....She apologized for the things that she had done...for they way she treated me.....And I was able to get a glimpse inside of her life and what it was like for her back then as well......We sat and talked for 3 hours....3 beautiful hours.....

I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for that opportunity......And I am beyond thankful for last night to reconnect with a dear dear friend.....

****Now this I share as humbly as I possibly can........this is by no means bragging and as you read this I need you to understand my intention when I say these words.........I am so blessed that God has given me a heart to forgive.....that He has given me a memory that is more inclined to remember the good than the bad...I am by no means perfect....I still do have my pity parties where I spread my sorrows out on the floor and roll around in them....Although I am so happy with what He did for me yesterday I still have another relationship that is just as fractured....a Very important one...Even more so than the one was with my friend....I honestly don't know how to repair that one or even if it can be...But yesterday made me remember what a Big God he is....

Today I dream for you the faith to believe that God can do something you never thought could be done.....And that He does it in a way that you know it is only by His power that it could be....

Have a blessed day my friends.....

the other side of me......

Getting way to close to EMPTY

It always amazes me how quickly I can go from seeing the world through Rose Colored Glasses to wanting to pull the blanket up over my head....Sometimes there doesn't even have to be a reason. I just get that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and I stand in the middle of my house and think of the dozens of things that need to be done or the dozens more that I feel I am doing all wrong....And what is really worse is when it isn't even my time of the month...lol..... I mean sometimes I can talk myself through when I know that might be the case but it's really hard when I know that's not it.

I try to tell myself I have had alot going on lately...but it seems like I Always have Alot going on. Every week I think that next week will be better. But by Monday every day is filled....... okay, just a minute...but if I'm being honest here, not every moment is filled. Just like today...... I worked the 6 am shift at the Polling Station today so that I would have the rest of the day. I get home and I am exhausted....I have bookwork that I don't EVEN want to talk about. Wood that needs brought in from outside. The Locker called and seems a tad bit irritated that my beef is still there since the fair - (still in the process of defrosting freezers). Becca is bringing a friend home from Milwaukee and she and Dustin are supposedly having a HUGE party this weekend when she comes home. There is a Bible Study I would like to start on Wed morning but the thought of one more thing makes me want to cry....(but I REALLY want to go to the Christmas Party!). I just backed out on my Thursday night Bible Study for the same reason. The school musical is on the 12th, 13th and 14th so now D is into rehersals until 10pm. most every night so then so much for getting to bed early. Friday night is our Jamaican Mission Waffle Supper. Saturday I am working at the Presbyterian Church for the UMPTEENTH year making noodles for their Bazaar and Tea after just spending a Saturday making Lefse....It's my mother n laws church and she is probably the youngest there by 20 years....Going to be a LONG morning and then we are back the next Saturday to do it again.....We greet on Sunday morning and then I will come home, curl up in the fetal position on my bed and probably cry myself to sleep so happy for Rest....(ohhhh that won't happen because Becca and her company will be here and I know I will want to make a nice lunch for them before they leave....)......aahhhhhh

So like I said, right now, instead of writing my blog I should be doing the things that NEED to get done but it is one of those days where I just don't have it in me. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW ....Debbie would tell me to Eat That Frog....LOL....If I would just do some of those bigger things than I would feel much more at peace....Those things that seem like a Huge Cloud looming over me....those things that I seem to wear like a yoke.

I am great at giving people the pep talk about how and why to do things to improve their lives...I Love to be the motivator and watch peoples outlook on life change. I don't think there is a day that goes by that someone doesn't email me or contact me somehow that I get to encourage  or just be an shoulder for them to lean on..... and I LOVE that!.......So I know all of that stuff but times like today when I'm hearing it pointed at me I just want to tell that voice in my head to SHUT UP!! I am sick of hearing the positive stuff....of what I am suppose to do....of telling myself that if I make a stinkin' list then Everything will be great.....And the Most Disturbing but the one that screams the Loudest.....IF YOU WEREN'T SO FAT then you would be happy............Wow....................(you will have to give me a minute to get myself back together after that one.......)..........whew.....

It's all in there.......it goes through my head......If you have read my blog for any length of time now you can see that there is a WHOLE lot in this head of mine. Sometimes I feel like I am going 100 miles an hour while  sitting still. My mind is constantly racing.......many times overwhelming me to the point of exhaustion. Every waking moment of every day my mind is going in 20 different directions and sometimes I just want....QUIET.....I want to not have memories....or plans....or lists.....or regrets.....I just want it to all go away........

Sooooooooooo......you probably didn't expect this today did you? Or for those of you that know me you were probably wondering when it was finally going to come.....Some of you may wonder if my other posts are just fluff....are they really me or do I spend most of my days in a heap only coming out to write a story that will make me Look good.....To some people I think that is seems like this is just the kind of drama they were hoping to find....It's sad but for some people they are beyond thrilled to see this post....It's like an ...AH HA.... Gotcha....Well if that is what you needed than I hope I made your day.....

But for all the rest of you that I call friends I just felt I needed to be real with you....for you to know that when you call and break down because it feels like the world is falling in around you I understand....When I speak to you it is because I feel your pain and I want better for you.....I want better for us!!!!.... Although I would like to say that I hate being in this place... isn't it funny how sometimes we just want to wallow for awhile.....We just want to give ourselves time to stomp are foot and cry out that the world isn't fair.

And I just have to add that I realize in the scope of things that what I struggle with at times seem so small in the scope of life.....I watch my brother Neil and his wife Allison and how they are Incredible parents to my nephew Noel....He has been confined to a wheel chair for so many years and live daily in the reality of what it means for your son to have Muscular Dystrophy but have taught him to LIVE and I couldn't be more proud of them....(you can read his story and visit his site at http://www.drawnup.net/ ).....those are the reasons I live most of my days thankful and try to live in the moment because I don't know what the next may bring.....

But the fact of the matter is today is a wallowing day for me....but actually yesterday was too....I am quite sure that loosing Grandma has brought out a whole lot of feelings that I am really not excited to feel. I am thankful for what I do have but REALLY ticked at what I don't.....(And once again for those who know me you know exactly what I mean and I Love you for that.....)

Okay Okay Okay.....just like when I'm writing the positive stuff I could go on and on with this side as well.....But, it's not making any of our days much brighter......But I felt that if I am going to be real on my blog then you have to see this side as well because just ask my family it is here as well.....

So after all of this..... do I leave you with an I dream for you????.........hhhmmm.....Well, okay let's see......I dream for you today the chance to be Real....I mean Vulnerable....with someone....Okay you don't have to go as Insane as me and put it out there for the world to read but to be real to someone........even if it's only to yourself and God......maybe just writing out how you honestly feel might help when it seems like there are truly no answers......I don't know....maybe it doesn't work for everyone....For me it's freeing....I know my week is still going to be crazy and I can't say that I still won't cry because of where I'm at right now but for me there has always been power in words....just letting these go have helped greatly.....I have talked to so many of you  that read my blog and you have given me such encouragement. I know the love that you have for me....so as I share this with you I know that you have listened with a caring heart.....

I thank you all my friends for being a listening ear....

Blessings to you....

admitting my imperfections...

This is a page from my Scrapbook - you can see it says
Pacific Ocean....You will also notice Becca is not in the
pictures....she stayed with Grandma so she could go to
school....I have never heard the end of that either...But - she
went to Germany without us so I think we are even now...

Well I was talking to my cousin Teresa yesterday and decided that it was about time to do this post....

I, Linda - being of full mind (well, somewhat full) and body - realize completely that many times I tend to mutilate the spelling of even the most average words....And I also realize that I am obsessed with punctuation and capitalization..... and many times use it where it was never intended to be!!!! And I am absolutely aware that I tend to fill my posts with incomplete and insane run-on sentences.....But let it be known that...........I LIKE it that way!!!! I tend to write like I think or talk and so sometimes you just get what you get....

When my kids were small I use to send out about 20 letters a week to family and friends. I would update them on what all was going on around our home and funny things that the kids were doing. I would write one letter and make photocopies so everyone would get the same information and I didn't have to keep saying the same thing over and over...(Do you see why I LOVE Facebook and my Blog now....much less postage!!!)....Having a large family has its perks but it takes Alot of work to stay connected.

I have all my letters in a binder and occasionally I will take it out and look through it. That was when we had gotten our first computer and so I was completely infatuated with FONTS....So each week I chose a new one...I would tell my readers that I realized they probably weren't that excited to read the daily happenings of a stay at home mom of two but maybe the idea of a new Font would make them open the envelope.

I think I had probably sent out ten of my letters when one of my sisters mentioned how cute it was that I chose to spell the word "busy" the way I had each week....HUH??? So I looked back at my previous letters and in EVERY letter I had spelled the word BUSY with a Z....Yep, my kids were keeping me BUZY.......And if any of you know Dustin you know that I used that word ALOT! When I asked different people if they had noticed it they all thought I was just being silly....aahhhh...

And it's not only spelling and grammar that I am horrible at...there are other things as well...like MAPS...(Andrea - I am giving only one example, the one between you, me and Gina stays between us....okay?..) Every year I send out about 150 Christmas letters recapping our year.  Well, several years ago we had gotten to spend a week out in Oregon visiting some good friends that we were in the Air Force with and another that Rob grew up with. We went up to Bremerton Washington where my mom lived when she was small and got to go up into the Space Needle. We went to see Mt. St. Helens and saw some of the most breathtaking scenery imaginable. All of this went in the letter but the "funny" part...yeah - real funny....Was the fact that AFTER I sent this letter out someone commented to me that I had written that we did all of this and we spent the day at the ATLANTIC Ocean........WHAT??????????? Why....oh Why don't I get a proofreader before I send this stuff out???? Well for those of you that, like me, were not whiz kids when it came to geography...if we would have visited Mt. St. Helens and the Atlantic Ocean all in one week we would have spent an awful lot of time on a plane seeing as how they are on opposite sides of the United States......So yes, now I do know that we had actually spent the day at the Pacific Ocean.....although it is taking every bit of strength in me not to check that I have that right...I still don't trust myself...Portland - Pacific....yeah I think I have it right....:-/

I am sure I knew it at the time that we were on our trip but sometimes I don't know what happens inside my head. I can remember some of the most useless, unimportant information from 30 years ago but I still don't remember how much my children weighed or what time they were born..(I often comment that if I were to ever get a tattoo that would be what I would get put on so I would always have it with me..LOL)..and I only had Dustin's date of birth wrong for a few months until his Grandma called on his 3rd birthday to tell him Happy Birthday and I told her she was a day early...she said....)Nooo - it was today...well, I didn't believe her and had convinced my husband that she was wrong (I am  great in a debate..) and then we finally went and looked at his birth certificate and realized I had just won the Mom, Looser of the Year Award....aahhhh - how do I do this kind of stuff ALL THE TIME???.....And of course...Dustin has NEVER let me forget that one....

I use to really worry about what other people thought of me when I messed up or when I didn't have things "perfect". I was one of those people that cleaned like crazy before people were coming over because I worried that they would think that since I was a stay at home mom I should have plenty of time to have everything in order.....LOL!! I look back on all the pressure I put on myself and I feel sorry for that poor girl living that way. I know that it has made me have a heart for moms of young children though and I know how difficult it is physically and emotionally just to get by day to day.

Finally I have gotten to a point where I realize it is better just to put yourself out there. The more I admit my shortcomings the more people comment on how they can relate. When I let you know that I know that my grammar is horrendous I think it takes the pressure off of both of us and just allows you to enjoy the content... or it makes you realize that I'm not going to change so you might want to take me off your blog list if it bothers you alot...lol.....Because I do realize that some of you are in the same boat as my poor spell check...it goes insane when it's time to check my post...I truly have to talk it down sometimes....lol....

So there you have it - more of getting to know the real me...English and Geography were not my strongest subjects in school and if you haven't realized it yet....I AM NOT PERFECT....You can barely get into my storage room right now and one of the lights is burnt out so I should really put Caution Tape on the door....My deck is STILL not done being stained and it is November....My checkbook is not reconciled....I bite my nails.......If there is anything else that you want me to share I really don't mind....There is a true freedom from being Real about where you are in life. I think writing my blog has given me a strength I didn't know that I had and it has allowed me to get past all the superficial layers that we sometimes put up so that I can go deeper and find out who I really am....

Today I dream for you the chance to admit your shortcomings....put it out there...now you might want to start small so you don't overwhelm the people around you....your facebook friends might not know what to say when you post that you have overdrawn you checking account for the 8th time this month or something like that....But if you begin to be honest with those around you about your struggles and imperfections that it takes the pressure off of yourself so you can actually live and most often you will see that you are definitely not alone....

Have a wonderful day my friends.....

Goodbye Grandma......

We lost Rob's Grandma on October 27, 2010....She was as much a Grandmother to me as I could have ever imagined.....She will be greatly missed.....I will be speaking at the funeral on Sunday...below are the memories that I will share with all of those who were touched by her wonderful Love........

I LOVED seeing Grandma laugh........

Making Christmas Sugar Cookies

One of FAVORITE memories.....Picking Strawberries
and making jam.....I Will Miss Her So Very Much

October 31.......1987.......Rob and I had been dating since March and his parents and brothers had already come to Texas to meet "the new girlfriend". But now Eldon and Lilas Vanbrocklin...also known as Grandma and Grandpa were on their way to McCallen Tx for the Winter and would be stopping in Lubbock. I was a nervous wreck not only because I was meeting his grandparents but making supper. It went beautifully...Grandma raved about my Pork Chops and Rice and has made comments to me even recently about that meal. I often wonder if they were that good or if she was just being kind...We sat around the rest of the evening playing cards and visiting....(I know shocker, huh?)

Grandma and Grandpa would visit again for our wedding the following June and then they were back through again a few months later on their way South. That evening we took them out for supper and then they stayed on our hide a bed in the living room. The plan was that we would get up and have breakfast and they would be off. But when we woke up the next morning they had left a note saying that they couldn't sleep and had already gotten on the road. I remember how sad Rob was that he didn't get to hug them and tell them goodbye.......Fast forward to Feb 11, 1990...The phone rings and Rob answered it..... his dad told him to hand the phone to me....Don instructed me to wrap my arms around Rob and hold him and then give him the phone back. I did as I was told and I could hear the news...Grandpa had passed away......

So for the last 20 years our memories have been filled with Grandma.....and there are many......

*I remember Grandma's Donuts.....and how lucky Kayla always got the Bumblys....
*I remember the boys short sheeting Grandma's bed when we were all up North at Larry's cabin.
*I remember the story that my kids and Grandma always laughed about when they had gotten off the bus at      Grandma's house and she made box mac and cheese and forgot the cheese / the kids said it was the best!
* I remember when Vanessa first learned to use the phone and she called Grandma all the time....even when Scott and Sal didn't know...
*I remember sitting in the living room at the farm and watching Grandma sew Sally's wedding dress
*I remember Jule filling Grandma's house with Anything Lemon.....
*I remember the STEEP stairs in her old house
*I remember how the boys ALWAYS referred to them as Grandma and Grandpa at the farm
*One of my FAVORITE memories....picking strawberries and making jam.....
*I remember how I use to have allergic reactions to Bee stings...so whenever I got stung I would have to drive to her house and sit on her couch so she could watch and see if I Puffed Up....
*No one could ever forget her LOVE for playing cards.....the Hours we all spent playing SOB is priceless
*I remember how she always got irritated with one of the guys in McCallen that said Up North or
Down  South when his score was higher or lower....so of course Rob said it Everytime!!
* I remember the year that we had atleast 5 apple pies in our freezer from Grandma at All times
*I remember her beautiful hair....I often told her that I would stop coloring my hair if only I could have hair like hers.....
*I remember visiting with her and Alene at the Fair when she was Supervisor of the flowers....
*I remember her Love for Reading...and the countless times when I asked her what she was reading it was a book from Janis....or from Sal..... She definetely passed that love to all 3 of her girls...
*I remember her working at Webers Dry Cleaners....
*I remember Alene and Lisa laughing about the fact that every pocket of every item of clothing of Grandma's ALWAYS had a crumpled tissue.....
*I remember when she was in Texas she would never stay on the phone because it cost to much and she wouldn't even say goodbye - she would just hang up....
*I remember Dustin and Allie playing kitchen with Grandma and she would pretend to eat their food....
*I remember everytime we walked into the house Grandma showing us a newspaper clipping of Vanessa and Allison....she was SO proud of them...
*I remember Thanksgivings at her house on the farm with everyone at the Table that stretched into the Living Room and Rob and Scott carving the turkey and Janis sneaking pieces the whole time before we ate...
*I remember mushroom hunting on the hill up behind her house....she knew ALL the Hot Spots....
*And of course I remember "Lilas' Birthday Party" every year.....and how I am so thankful for that time to get to know "the Popanz family"...the time to sit and visit learning about everyone's lives and my children growing up with their cousins....intertwining our families has been so important to me.
*I will NEVER forget the Endless amount of potholders that she knitted for ALL of us every year.....
*And I will never forget the last time I hugged her as she wheeled herself down the hall to watch me get onto the elevator to leave......she told me she was ready.....and I know she was.....
That's what makes this so hard and yet so peaceful....We have had this time with Grandma - to Love on her....for her to Love on all of us.....My sister just asked me if Grandma was worried about dying....I said No - I think she was worried about Living....She was 92 years old....Her mind was as clear as the day we met....and yet her body wasn't as cooperative.....I know she was ready....ready not to have problems with her blood pressure....ready to not be confined to a wheelchair....but most of all ready to see Grandpa....

Thank you Grandma for being the best Grandma we could have asked for.....you will be greatly missed....
 

Why can't I feel God.....

Pololu Vallay Lookout, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

As Christians many times it seems that our relationship with God is a roller coaster ride....We have wonderful highs where we see His beauty in everything around us. We are at peace and continuously feel his guidance in our life. A term that is often used is that you are enjoying a "Mountaintop Experience".......And then there are the times in our lives where we feel alone and abandoned. And at times even question His existence. That we are just "going through the motions." These times can be referred to as "being in the valley."

I have been a follower of Christ for most of my life so I have experienced the whole gamete of emotions that come with this relationship. This morning I received an email from a dear friend who is "walking in a valley." For the last year or so she just can't seem to find God anywhere. She misses those feelings that she use to have. The times where she would Sing and Dance and feel engulfed in His Love. But as we all know life gets busy and we get preoccupied and difficulties surround us. Next thing we know we try to find those "feelings" that we had with God and they aren't there. So we try to do the things we were doing before - hoping - praying - that we will feel Him once again. We sing the same songs. We go sit in the same places. We read the same verses. And then when we come up empty we feel abandoned. We start to question ourselves. What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get close to Him? Did I ever even feel Him before or is this just all a big game?......

Personally, the best way for me to think of my relationship with God is to relate it to my marriage.

When I first met Rob we couldn't spend enough time together. We would stay up late talking, learning about each other. I told Everyone about him. I wrote his name on my books..(I was still in High School...lol) And then we got married.....bu bu buuuummm.....And then you enter the “real world”. The times of gazing into each other’s eyes are long gone. There are bills to pay and children to raise and life gets crazy!!....
When I first moved to Wisconsin we had just started our business and I never saw Rob. He would leave the house at 5:30am and get home at 10:00pm to eat supper, sleep and do it all over again the next day….7 days a week…No cell phones, no way to keep connected….I was ALONE! Rob will admit that I basically raised both our children by myself. I was separated from my family by 1200 miles and none of our friends had children. We had "friends". But there was no one to talk to about the things that I was going through. Those years were hard...I remember thinking...What happened? I remember what life use to be like back in Texas. The man that I married was home at 4:30pm and we would sit on the couch and watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. We would go to the movies and out to supper. And now I just don't feel what I felt then… It wasn't that I didn't love Rob or that he didn't love me - that was never in question.. It was just that it didn't look the same or feel the same.....Those were definitely valley years for me and for Rob – and for our marriage...Many of you have heard me say...I cried for 6 years and I am not exaggerating..

Fast forward many years....at this point in our marriage I will say we are blessed tobe on a mountaintop...when I stand up here I can see things clearly, for what they really are. It was for the very best that I left Texas and came here. I found out who I am. I am stronger than I ever could have been if I would have stayed. I don’t believe I would have been the parent I am if we would have stayed. If I would have other mom’s around me to talk to maybe I wouldn’t have trusted myself enough and invested so much of me into making sure they were well rounded, responsible, loving and respectful children….now young adults…

Does it mean that we get to stay here on the mountain?...You might think it's crazy but honestly - I hope not...You see in the past 22 years Rob and I have have had many mountaintop experiences. But today when I look at them they are tiny hills. But we had to go through those to get to where we are now. Anyone who believes that Rob and I are the couple we are out of luck or because we choose to avoid things and just pretend to be happy on the outside have no idea at the work that we have done along the way...together. We will face new challenges. Maybe it will be our business or our health or any number of things... In fact - I will be honest with you - we both know that we are headed off our mountaintop soon. There are challenges that lie ahead but at least we know this one is coming, unlike the times you feel like someone just pushed you off a cliff. So we grab each other by the hand and vow to be a team in the valley. To remember the mountaintop and know that another one will be ahead but no guarantees as to how far. In the valley we have to make "us" a priority. We have to have dates even if they are talking about the kids or the business. And we know that sometimes it will feel like we are just “going through the motions.” But we HAVE to do it. Sadly there are times when we are in the valley that I whine and complain, “why can't I have now what I had then – it was better back there....I don't want to go any farther...I was satisfied with what we had”....WHY CAN'T I LEARN??????

God never promised us that a relationship with Him would be easy. Just like I was never promised marriage would be. In fact he assures us that it will be just the opposite. But He wants us to understand that those trials that we go through are good for us. We need those difficulties for our relationship to grow deeper. I would be disappointed if my relationship with Rob looked like it did when we first met. At that point there was no way of knowing that marriage could be like this. No one could have ever explained it to me. But to get here we had to go through the work, the tears, the arguments, the all night conversations. That is the way it is with my relationship with God. What if I would have thought that quoting scriptures and knowing every hymn in the red hymn book that set beside my bed was as deep as it got. I was Happy then. I honestly was. But then when I wasn't content with that I began to search for more and at times thinking that I lost Him because nothing felt the same. But then on the next mountaintop it was always better than the last....

 We all get discouraged in the valley. We all get lost and feel alone. Just don’t give up. It is through the valleys we learn the lessons we need to be able to move forward. And then with each mountain top you get closer and closer to Him.

Today I dream for you........I know that you want me to say mountaintops....I know you really do....so okay - I dream for you mountaintops....but not to stay forever - just long enough to get your bearings....to look around at where you came from..to be proud of the rugged terrain that you had to cross. To sit for a time and breath and think clearly. But then to know that there are other valleys that are ahead. And to give thanks for the small mountaintops that brought you higher each step of your journey.....

Have a beautiful beautiful day friend....

And now to share with you my very favorite verse in the Bible is James 1:2-7

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Autumn in Wisconsin.....

What a wonderful day!!! It was a perfect Wisconsin Fall day....I tried my hardest not to think of the fact that days like this only mean that we are all that closer to Wisconsin Winter. Autumn is by far my favorite season since I have moved here. One of my biggest joys is standing in my kitchen with a glass of iced tea, the smell of fresh baking cookies in the oven and my favorite music filling every room. And looking out my open windows at the vibrant colors of browns, oranges and yellows...How can one help but smile??...  

Yesterday as I was driving back to my house from town and I was taken back to my first few years of living in Richland County.  I was driving Paul out to my house so that he could use my Jeep for awhile. He is one of the band members of Remedy Drive, a Christian Rock group that was performing for our community.  He was going to take his wife and their little girl  to do some sightseeing around the area.  Then they would pick me up later before the concert. It was so fun listening to all the comments that they made at how beautiful the area is. He and his wife both commented that they could see themselves living here.....What makes me sad is how easy it is to forget to look around and be appreciative for the gifts that God gives. Sometimes it takes seeing things through someone else's eyes to  remind us.

I am so very thankful for where I grew up. West Texas has it's own unique beauty. Sometimes you have to use more of your imagination but it is there nonetheless...LOL... There are the most incredible sunsets with such an assortment of colors. And you have not witnessed a exquisite starry night until you have layed on a the roof of a car in the middle of a cotton field in the darkness. Breathtaking!! You are literally surrounded by tiny sparkling lights. You can't help but smile and take a deep breath and ultimately feel closer to God. Then of course there are the West Texas storms. Although they are my least favorite things about West Texas, there is a definite beauty in being able to watch an oncoming storm for miles and miles away. And then the smell of the dirt mixed with rain and the crispness in the air as it closes in.....

I have traveled my fare share in my 40 years and I must say everywhere that I have been offered a unique beauty....God never ceases to amaze me at His creativity. It is impossible for me to pick a favorite. The mountains in Oregon were incredible. Swimming in the Mineral Springs in California were like nothing else I have experienced. But some of my favorite things have been star gazing on a mountain top in Hawaii and with my uncle in Pennsylvania on our way home from our day in New York City...Florida was more difficult to see God's work in the landscape but the people were wonderful. And of course there is Jamaica......That is where I am closest to God. So it is impossible to pick one area where I am more impressed with His awesome work while I am on the island. So much of that is because I am more relaxed while I am there.

LOL....as I write this I just can't help but think about the fact that yes it is absolutely God's beauty that warms my soul. But as I look back to every place that I have I have visited the beauty is actually a backdrop to the people that I am with....Sven and Deanna in Oregon... Scott and Kim in Michigan... all my family in Texas... Uncle Lynn in Pennsylvania...Florida with Carla and Bill... Bryan and Nichole and all my kids at the orphanage in Jamaica....Becca, Dustin, Rob, Nadine, Kurt and Andi in Hawaii...and then sharing the beauty of Richland County with all of my wonderful friends on a daily basis.....oh my I could go on and on....I am not only blessed to have seen so much of His creation but I have been so blessed to have shared it with some of the most wonderful people...sigh.....

Wow....that was fun visiting all those places in my mind....remembering how blessed I am at the incredible people that I am surrounded by....I know I didn't mention everyone that I have shared traveling memories with but I promise you that I know they are all special....I would love to hear some of your memories of times we shared together that you recall as well.....fun!!!

Well so let's see....I guess I dream for you the chance to stop and notice His creativity.....in the landscape that surrounds you....in the people that He places in your life....in the simple joy of a pumpkin spice cookie and a glass of iced tea....He is an Incredible God!!!

take time to remember........

I love remembering....

This week I am in Texas...surrounded by my former life. Surrounded by people and landscapes and momentos that can whisk me back to my 20 years of living in this state. On Friday I joined one of my very best friends at my high school for homecoming. As we walked down the halls I could literally tell you stories about things that happened with every step we took. Mrs. McCormick's room and Alex sticking his paperclip in the outlet during class and the room lighting up. Coach Wallace screaming at poor Lori the second day of History class when she came to class without her book. My locker was # 58  and some not so great memories at that locker  that got me thrown into detention...(long story) Performing my poem with Bobby in front of the class in Mrs. Satterwhite's English class and how he wanted to rip me apart because I wasn't up on my Scottish when pointed to him when it said  Lassie (I was thinking Laddie...) and how I can't believe he is gone from our lives so soon... The Library...oh - the memories there! Doing my research paper on identical twins my Senior year - Suzy and I getting all the information we needed to pass Government...LOL...(love that Mrs. Shannon)...Mr. Holt's Science room... January 28, 1986 - watching the Space Shuttle Challenger diasaster with the rest of the world....And then there was the band hall....Gina and I walked in there and the memories are everywhere. Band was always my favorite thing about school....I played French Horn / Frumpet (yes with a F)...flag corps...and I was Drum Major my Senior year... My Junior year we made it to State and ended up with 6th place. Mrs. Holt was the best!! We had so much fun on that trip!!.... But I look around the band hall and remember things like Suzy, Jill and I eating poptarts in the practice rooms...getting fitted for the brand new uniforms...being in 5th grade and I was the only one who memorized Aura Lee and getting 110 and Mr. Lee took me to the teacher's lounge to get a Coke from the machine....And of course we remembered during our Senior year the band director was horrible - we were so mad that he had Ruined our band! We were his first class after graduating. At one point during a football game he got so mad at us he threw his keys to me, Gina and Suzy and said..."you think you can do better with this band than it's all yours!!!" and then he left....LOL...So after the game we took everyone back to the school and opened it up and put all the instruments away then had to lock up....But later Mr. Lock came to Gina's house and asked if she had Mr. B's keys and said she had to give them back because his house keys were on it...On Friday between the Pep Ralley and the game we had the Junior dinner in the cafeteria and the old gym and of course once again we sat there blurting out things that we remembered... Our school having the most AMAZING food - the smell of homeade rolls when you were crossing the sidewalk from the Elemetary building and of course the gravey....oh my!!!!...the square pizza...the homeade tamales....We were spoiled with our Lunch Ladies...But then we had to question the whole half a pear with mayo in the middle and shredded cheese on top....LOL!!

Okay - did I lie???  I could tell stories about the whole school - actually the whole town - and beyond...My head is reeling right now with memories...Sometimes when I come home I just get overwhelmed because that is what my head does the whole time. Everywhere I look there is a flashback to some point in my life... Most of them are good memories but some of them are't so wonderful...We all have those parts of our lives that we would like to forget....There have been several of those while I was here...Moments when I am caught off guard and it's like I was kicked in the gutt and I try to shake my head to get rid of the visions. Many are made up of actions from other people that break my heart for that young girl but there are my fare share of things that I did that I would like to erase from my mind as well...

I often wish that I would have had someone to help me during those years. To talk me through all the junk that gets thrown at you during your teen years. I had good friends but we were in it together - it was like pulling each other down while we were drowning. Now having kids of my own it breaks my heart when I see others saying mean, vicious things to young kids and they don't have any idea that they are literally scaring them for years to come...Words are very powerful!! As a mom I feel like I am in a constant game of ping pong...LOL...my kids walk out the door and get hurt and they come back home and I build them back up again only to send them out and have it happen all over again....Many mornings I have closed the door as my kids leave for school and I fall into a heap of tears because I know that their day is going to be filled with "cruel kids"...And yet as I was walking the halls the other day I had a thought...Yes, that stuff happens - all the time - but the one thing that I didn't have when I was a kid was the positive side at home. It was all one sided. So now that I watch my kids I think back...What if, even though I was hearing negative junk all the time, I was also being told daily how those people were wrong...What if I had someone constantly telling me that I was beautiful, talented, smart - every single day....I began to think about the stuff that I did endure throughout my years of growing up. Possibly the one positive thing that came from all that hurt is that it made me stronger - especially as a parent. When Rob is trying to convince me that things are going to be okay when I am in a pit I tell him that he has to be Louder than the negative noise in my head....That's my job as a mom... I have to make sure that My words of encouragement and truth are louder than the words that the world is throwing at my kids.....My prayer is that during these formative years my words become their words of truth.....

I think there is much to be learned from our pasts....I know sometimes it may seem easier to hide the bad stuff away but sadly when you do that you inadvertantly remove the good stuff too. Facing some of the hard memories this week haven't been all that fun but I would do it again and again...because I know that all of this life mixed together have made me who I am.....

Today I dream for you my friend the ability to look at your past....what can you learn from it? Be thankful for what it has taught you....and maybe you would say that you aren't happy with where you are - your past is a great place to start getting the answers as to why....What answers does your past hold and what can it teach you to make your future better???.... Take a little time to remember.......

The Desires of My Heart.....



This is my charm from my weekend with some incredible women.
The hearts represent each of us with the One on the stem
being our table leader....That was a life changing weekend...


con·tent 

adj.

1. Desiring no more than what one has; satisfied.

The idea of being content is a tricky one...On the surface it seems like it is a noble thing. When you first hear this word your mind is probably drawn to thoughts of material possessions.......Is our home big enough... is our car "new" enough... do we really need a new purse....does my cell phone have enough bells and whistles....As a society it seems as if we are never Content with what we have...The media is always trying to convince us that we need bigger and better.

When you come across people who are just happy with what they "have" sometimes it is just hard to accept. They must be hiding something. And then you dive in a little deeper and you begin to uncover what events have transpired in their lives. What made their priorities shift from material  to relational...They understand that their house and everything in it is just stuff....And stuff doesn't bring you lasting happiness - relationships do....That is no more evident than when we are in Jamaica. A majority of the population have basically very little. And yet they are some of the happiest people I have met. But as you drive along the unpaved roads you constantly see groups of people....Men, Women and Children...playing cards or just sitting together in lawn chairs...My first American instinct honestly is....why aren't they at work trying to make their lives better. But then I think who's definition of Better? I think there is a balance but I know that those people have taught me a tremendous amount about priorities..

So I get that it is a good thing to be content in our materialistic lives but what about other areas. Yesterday I attended a tour of our local hospital. I have been asked to give the Welcoming and Closing speeches for the annual Fundraising Brunch. The CEO of the hospital was speaking to us and he made a simple but profound statement. Basically it was that who they are today will not be who they are in 5, 10 or 15 years....Our hospital was established in 1924 and because of our strong community it has made some incredible advances, especially within the last 15 years. It is not only aesthetically pleasing but the care that is given here has increased 10 fold...He discussed that it would be easy now that they just completed the new Med Surge floor to sit back and say...whooo...now we are done. But he said that is that is not good in any area of life. We always need to be searching for how we can be better.

On my way home that  thought just kept playing through my head. I think it is Extremely important for us to take moments to sit and breath and express our gratefulness for where God has us - for the gifts that he gives us. But then our next breath needs to be....so where do I go next??? I began to process that for myself...I am beyond grateful for the "gifts" that God has given me. My home in the woods, my Jeep that cleans up pretty good (even after 145,000 miles), my clothes (even if they are mostly from Walmart)...He has been beyond good to me. And I have also been extremely blessed with relationships. I have sisters that make me laugh so hard I cry and brothers that will always protect me. We have had our share of difficulties and our family tree may not look "normal" but I love each and every one of them all more deeply than anyone could imagine. I have had friendships that have lasted most of my life and I have met some amazing people throughout my life....My husband is the most incredible and loving man I could have ever dreamed of spending my life with and my children make me so proud sometimes it brings me to tears....(caveat....my marriage has been plagued with difficulties and my children have made many many mistakes....these 3 are not perfect people ..just as I am not....but they are MINE..and we are in this together....and I adore them with all my heart!!!!)

So if anyone would feel the urge to just be "Content" it would be me. And yet it seems that there is a constant knot in my stomach...He is constantly leading my on to a new adventure. A new journey with new people and new surroundings....Lucky for me I love adventure so the excitement makes me giddy....It's the work that is  involved that makes me think twice....I LOVE the going - it is the doing that holds me back...There are so many things in front of me right now...areas where I am praying for direction...I want to make sure they are not my DREAMS but his DESIRES for my heart.

Psalm 37:4-8 (New International Version)

 ⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.
 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
       trust in him and he will do this:
 ⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
       the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
 ⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
       do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
       when they carry out their wicked schemes.
 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
       do not fret—it leads only to evil.

This is one of my favorite parts of the Bible. I could sit and dissect it with you for hours. It is FILLED with wisdom. It first came to my attention several years ago while sitting at a table with a group of women in Texas that I had just met. We named our group..."Hearts Desire..." I have went to this passage countless times since that life changing weekend with those ladies. For me Desire is an Action word. Desire means that you want to go Somewhere...I think that is why I am so proud to call myself a dreamer...these are my Desires.....and then I am to DELIGHT in Him and He will give me the DESIRES of my heart.....**Here is the Key**....now listen close.....the fundamental part is that the closer I am to Him.....are you listening.....my DESIRES are His DESIRES.....sigh.........But on the flip side - the more distant I am from Him....the more My Desires are strictly my own....and trust me that only causes problems in my life....


Here is just a sample of my Desires from the list that I keep...some He has blessed me with and a few that still haven't happened but I believe they will...The ones that have happened have been surrounded my many many earnest hours of prayer...rarely do Big Dreams just "happen"...they require alot of work and commitment on our part....He does give gifts to those He loves but I believe that He also needs to be assured that the one's He entrusts with those gifts will be good caretakers of them...I pray that the he is proud of how I care for the gifts that He has blessed me with...

To go on a mission trip (Jamaica....)
To help start a church in our community that would impact lives (Hidden Valley Community Church..)
To be an author...
To speak in front of Thousands of people...
For Rob and I to start and care for an orphanage....


So today my Dream (or Desire) for you is to evaluate your Desires...... But what if you have no Desires?....what if life is too busy or you are to overwhelmed...too exhausted to Desire anything....The Bible tells us that God gives good gifts to those who ask.....ASK!!!! DESIRE!!! DREAM!!PRAY!!! He created  an amazing world with amazing people and amazing places....Allow yourself the freedom to Desire!!!!!

Have a Full and Beautiful Day my friends....

How Jamaican Mission Program Began...

The original group that went to Jamaica in 2008

The following are a few  exerpts from our website explaining how our organization began ...

http://www.drbryanmyers.com/Jamaican_Mission_Program.html

The Jamaican Mission Program was formed in 2008 by a group of 13 people interested in encouraging and supporting mission work in Jamaica.  The roots of the organization began when Bryan and Nichole Myers first visited Jamaica in 2003. During this vacation they noticed the beauty of the island and the kindness and generosity of the people.  They also noted the disparity between the wealth on the resorts and the poverty of the island.  They first returned to preform mission work in 2005.  These initial trips involved running a free medical clinic in Montego Bay and assisting at Westhaven and The Place of Safety.  They wanted to spread the personal rewards they received by working in Jamaica with others.  In 2008, they encouraged a group of 13 people from Richland Center, Wisconsin to come along and volunteer.  This group, pictured above, saw the same poverty but also witnessed the help and joy that a few volunteers can provide.  As a result, this organization was began to increase and support future interest in Jamaican Mission work. In 2009, the first JMP group consisted of 17 people who worked on multiple projects at Westhaven.

Information on Westhaven Orphanage

Westhaven Children’s Home is an orphanage for handicapped children in Jamaica. It was started in 1986 by a group who saw the need for a residential facility to assist children with disabilities to reach their full potential. The first cottage opened December 17, 1991, two more were opened in 1993, and the fourth cottage was opened in 2003. There are currently four fully operational cottages housing up to eighty children, ages three to twenty seven years old, with a wide variety of abilities.  This varies from children with mild cerebral palsy, Downs Syndrome, and mental retardation to children with more profound handicaps.  Full time care givers at Westhaven provide all necessary care including physical therapy and education.  The home is located on a former sugar plantation in the city of Copse. Copse is a small mountainous village outside of Montego Bay.  The drive from the hotel takes about 45 minutes through some of the most beautiful scenery in Jamaica.  This former sugar plantation is also home to the Copse Place of Safety. The ongoing operational costs of the home are supported, in part, by the Jamaican Ministry of Health. However, the largest daily support comes from continuing donations from local and overseas individuals and groups.

Sample Projects:

1) Daily cares:
Every morning, Westhaven staff must assist with bathing, dressing, and feeding all of the children.  This daily work involves up to 80 children with various disabilities.  Any help is appreciated.  Volunteers can help with bathing, dressing, feeding, caring for and loving these disabled orphans, aged 2 to 27.  Others may decide to spend time with the children; talking, playing, walking with, and listening are all great ways to help brighten up a child’s day.  Other volunteers will assist the Jamaican physical therapist in exercise programs for the children.  Volunteers with classroom skills can organize classroom teaching and learning activities. A schoolroom is available for the about fifteen children from Westhaven that regularly attend school.

2) Fifth cottage:

Volunteers began the construction of a 3,600 square foot fifth cottage in 2004. This long term project is designed for the older children at Westhaven and has been coordinated through The Westhaven Board of Director’s Building Committee. Over the last 4 years, volunteers from various organizations have dug and poured the foundation, built block walls, and started framing the roof.  In 2009, the JMP volunteers framed and paneled the interior walls of this cottage.


3) General maintenance:
As one can imagine, housing up to 80 children in a topical location with yearly hurricanes requires regular maintenance to the property.  This has recently included; roofing repairs, painting, replacing floor tiles, and other general repairs. In 2009, Rob Wanless repaired a dangerous metal gate and Micah Piasecki reframed new locking doors for the school.

4) Water tank:
With extra time in 2009, we built a 3 feet platform for the water storage tank to get it off the ground. The tank had been placed o the ground and since the washing machines are gravity fed, this obvious didn't work real well. We finished this project and were able to autograph the concrete slab.

I realize I could have written my own information about JMP but I think this sums things up so very well. There is more information on our website including our next trip date and approximate prices.  Also you will see that we use the term Vacation With A Purpose.  The week that we spend in Jamaica is not all spent at the orphage. We have 2 sight seeing days which is beneficial to  Jamaican tourism....not to mention that we have a wonderful time seeing some of the most breathtaking partsof the island. Feel free to spend some time on our site....we would love to hear what you think....




Today I feel silly so.....I dream for you the chance that somebody has already done the work for you so you can take time to play....just like Bryan and Nichole keeping up our website so I could just copy and paste.....thank you both for all you do and for including us in this journey!! Have a wonderful weekend friends.....

Kerry Ann...(3rd post of JMP)

Kerry Ann wearing My Jamaica Hat....it ended up staying with her...LOL!

So today I get to share with you stories about My Kerry Ann. I'm not even sure how we even first started getting close. I suppose it was just from pushing her wheelchair up and down the bumpy yard singing songs. That is probably what sticks out most in my mind is her singing. At some point I had a video of her singing and somewhere along the way it has been misplaced. But I can tell you it is probably the most precious sound you could ever imagine. The first time I heard her we were sitting under the shelter in the middle of the property and I asked her to sing something to me and I asked her if she knew the song - Open the Eyes of My Heart.......Oh My...That was probably when we connected. I sat at watched this girl sing these words to God and truly speak to Him. This is a girl who has been confined to a wheelchair her entire life with Spinal Bifida. Has been through pain like I can never even imagine. One day I watched as Njoki lifted her tiny mostly limp body into her wheelchair one morning and I cringed as she winced in pain until she got adjusted. And then to be left in an orphanage to be raised by others because her family doesn't have the ability or finances to take care of her. If anyone should be in a pit it is this young girl. And yet on that morning when I saw her connect to God I knew I wanted to be in her presence. And so now she is "my girl.." and it is mostly selfishness on my part. I push her wheelchair and sit and hold her one good hand and rub her face. And then I tell her that she is SPOILED and she does her laugh where she lifts her body and looks up and away like she is embarrassed.

Goodbye Hugs are always the hardest...

The first time I ever told her that it was just adorable. We were sitting in the "dining area" and she reached into her little purse and pulled out some J (Jamaican money) and handed some to one of the boys. She said something in the language I dont' think I'll ever learn and off he went. I didn't really pay attention until awhile later the boy came back with a grape soda. I looked at her and I said.."is that what you told him...to go get you a soda..." - "yes" - "and then he just runs and does what you say..." - she just sort of giggled....And so I told her "Kerry Ann, you are spoiled...do you know what that means?.." She said that she didn't know the word...So I explained it means....Everybody Loves Kerry Ann and so Everybody does anything that Kerry Ann Wants...and I said it to her in a sing songy voice...and so that is our little joke now...Every time I say it to her she just giggles and giggles....

My second year at the orphanage was probably the most difficult. Kerry Ann and I spent alot of time together and on the last day of working there she was acting very upset. One day we were in the school room and I was holding her hand and loving on her. She wouldn't color or do anything like the other children. I kept asking her if she didn't feel well and she would just look away. Finally all of the sudden she just burst into tears. The teacher came over and was talking  to her in Patwa and so I had no idea what was going on. She was so good with her and was comforting her but my stomach was in a knot because I had no idea what the problem was. One of the girls pushed her wheelchair out of the room and the teacher and her went to
the side of the building so she could calm her down. Finally the teacher came over and explained to me that she didn't want me to leave...That just broke my heart...So the rest of the day we just spent time alone and I tried to explain that I would be back the next day to take her to church.

Rob pushing Kerry Ann up the hill to church...and of course she was Singing

So the next day at church we found a place over by the window. The children in wheelchairs take up the outside isle and then people sit on a small bench beside them. So we found our spot in the middle of several other wheelchairs and began to listen to the woman sing and Pastor Douglas began to preach. His sermon that day was powerful just like every other time we have been there. But this sermon was about healing. He told the story about the men that brought their sick friend to see Jesus. They couldn't get inside so they climbed up on the roof and lowered him down through the ceiling and asked Jesus to heal him. I looked around at all these children scattered among the local people. Children that couldn't speak or were deformed from birth. Did they understand what he was saying? Did they pray for that? Did they lay in bed at night and asked to be healed? And then my eyes rested on Kerry Ann. I was holding her hand and she was staring directly into my eyes. What were her eyes saying to me? Did she want me to pray that for her? What if I were strong enough spiritually to believe that God could heal her right there. Was this God testing my faith right there? Did he give me the gift of this girl to be able to witness a miracle if only I had the faith...And in my soul I felt myself say.."no"...I couldn't..literally within seconds Kerry Ann began to weep - uncontrollably weep..There was no where to go - we were jammed in like sardines and it wouldn't have mattered anyway. The church is on a Steep hill and Kerry Ann has to be carried up by several strong men. So there we were. I rubbed her face and put my head close to her ear and just began to speak softly and try to comfort her. Letting her know that I would be back to see her and that I would call and talk to her...which I do but not near as often as I should....Gradually she began to calm down...Services were over and we took the children back to the orphanage and said our goodbyes. It was very difficult but Njoki promised me she would take good care of her....We drove away and I began to weep. I realize that my group thought it was because of leaving Kerry Ann and it was in part. But at that point my soul was breaking. I knew that morning was a turning point. It had to be....That evening I sat out by the water where it was quiet and I talked to God. Why would He do that to me? How could I be put in that position? Was He really asking me to do something so bold or was it my vivid imagination. And what if he was and my response had now changed this girls future and my obedience could have dramatically changed the direction of the faith of the people I was with and all those people in that room and people I would never know.....What if I would have said Yes???? I don't know...I honestly don't....Maybe I think much to highly of myself to think that God would have used me in that way....Honestly - Who Am I???? And so I switch from It could have happened if I would have only obeyed to thinking that I am crazy.....

So as my JMP friends read this I really have no idea what they may think....possibly yes that Linda is a little Wacky but we have come to expect that...but I do think that we have all had some pretty bonding experiences now that they know my heart...It has been a joy to have shared these special times with each of these people. If any of you have ever been part of something like this you will fully understand the impact that it makes on you if you invest in it fully. The people you serve with are connected to you forever...They have seen the faces...They have pried on shoes with you that were to small to fit the feet....They have cleaned and painted the walls of bathrooms covered in stuff you don't want to identify....It is a bonding experience and we are now like a family. We may argue or get irritated because of lack of sleep but each of us understands why we do what we do.....For the Kids....For Us....For the lives back home that will benefit from our changed lives and I am beyond blessed to have this incredible family called Jamaican Mission Program...

Today I dream for you the opportunity to truly serve from the depths of your heart...for you to impact and be impacted...for opportunities for God to speak to you...I have tried to let go of the guilt of saying No and live in the truth that He speaks if only we listen...I have to believe that He knew my answer before He asked so He was not surprised or dissapointed...He just needed me to be aware so when the opportunity arises in which I would give Him a Yes I will hear his voice....Have a blessed day my friends....