frustrated with my failures

Taking a picture of my Coaching books atleast made me get them off
the shelf....Now maybe I will open them up....:-)

As you might have noticed I have been gone for awhile. I tried to decide if I discuss the reasons why or if I just go on to new topics such as Christmas Trees and Snow Days....but....I decided I needed the therapy session. A chance to talk it through in my head and maybe sort some things out.

Well the number one reason that I haven't blogged is mainly....because it was going good...Yep, that is the usual reason I stop doing something I love. I knew it was coming when I received the email that my blog is going to be featured with a story I wrote for my favorite website...InCourage on the 17th of this month....

This is so much of a pattern for me that it is completely insane. If I listed all the things throughout my life that I began and didn't finish it might be the size of a set of Encyclopedias. But it's most frustrating when I LOVE what I am doing and there is no reason for me to stop....but I do.... and once again....I feel like I have failed....

My hardest "failure" within this last year was my Life Coaching class. I LOVED it!!! I mean ALOT!! I loved everything about it. I loved the books. The teachers. The people that I was meeting. The classes were taught by teleconferencing a few days a week and so it was Perfect! ....And the things that I was learning were not only helping me move toward my dream of being a Life Coach but they were helping me through obstacles in my own life as well.... Wonderful!!....

The incident that stands out in my memory of when it came to a halt was when we had to start finding people that would be willing to have us coach them. I contacted one of my friends that actually started me blogging. I asked her if there was an area that she would want to work on....Organization, Scheduling, Tasks that she wanted to get done. She was very excited and willing. I emailed her a worksheet filled with questions that let me know her style and where she hoped to make progress....It was Great. She was excited. I was excited. And so.....of course....I Stopped....I remember getting her email back and looking over it and beginning to form a plan. I don't really remember the thought process that happened next.... All I do know is that time went by and I didn't respond to her and I hadn't done any of my classes and since that day I haven't opened one of my books.

Every once in awhile I try to be strong and I will stare at my books on my shelf and I really want to open them...if for no other reason than for myself. But I haven't gotten that strong yet. There is the failure on many levels....Of course there is the money that I "wasted"...that is my biggest guilt. Then the reality that I have yet another dream to throw in my bucket of UnAccomplishments.....sigh....

The other day something happened that made me realize that I need to really work through this and get a handle on it. The last few months I had been working on getting in shape and loosing some weight. I was doing okay and was down about 25 pounds and feeling good. No one had really said much but I was feeling great. Some things happened in my life and I relapsed. I was eating terrible and I had quit exercising. A couple of weeks went by and during 1 particular week I had 5 different people ask if I had lost weight or say that I was looking good. I would say...No - in fact I have gained weight back...trying to convince them of how bad I had been. When I would get home I would eat uncontrollably things that I hadn't eaten for months.

The worst was the day I was getting dressed and I put on a pair of blue jeans that had gotten pretty loose on me...I pulled them up and struggled to button them....I actually uttered the words...."there....see....I told you...."....I stopped myself and just stood in my closet and cried. I would love to say I got a grip and things are back on track but they have only gotten worse.....So now throw on the anger at what I have done to myself, the disappointment and the frustration.....Do I see why it happened - of course....I had a goal - fit into a certain pair of jeans by Christmas....Feel good by our trip to Jamaica....Be a runner by 1-11-11.....What happened??? I was getting close..........

.....sigh....what now?....Well I figure today was a step...blogging again....getting back up on that horse. And this morning I told Rob that I plan to exercise today He kept saying that he was so proud of me..... and I want him to be...and I want to be proud of me too!!....

Now I do realize that it's only 7 am and many times I think I can conquer the world while I'm in my PJ's and lying in my bed. But the real test will be when I put my feet on the floor. But hey, I figure that at least I am wanting it all again and that is a step...some days you take what you can get....

I know for a fact that Satan knows our weaknesses. And many days I think that he must have mine on a neon flashing light over his desk so that he is sure to never forget. He knows how to bring me down to a level where I am not productive and filled with despair.....and so today I claim....SATAN - YOU WILL NOT STEAL MY JOY!!!

Today I dream for you....fulfillment...completion...achievements....I dream that you can focus on something that you want and that you can see it  through until the end. That you can find the discipline and determination to follow through, so that on the other end you can look back and be proud and strong.....

Have a beautiful day my friend...<3

stories of a not so fast runner....

Last night I went for a run. I was scheduled to go for a 4 mile run but once I was out there it was so beautiful I didn't want to stop. I have gotten into a routine now. I drive my Jeep to the bottom of the hill - if you would see my driveway you would understand. I take some final drinks from my water bottle, clear the calories on my heart rate monitor, turn my Ipod to number 9 and start my stopwatch.

It's so funny the things that I had forgotten about running. For instance I HATE it the first 2 miles and then after that I don't want to quit. At mile 3 I start thinking that I should have worn a different shirt because the cute one I chose is now rubbing the flesh off of my arm pits. At mile 5 my right shoulder goes out of socket (everytime) and then at mile 6 I remember the term "runners trots..." and if you don't know the meaning behind that one I am not going to explain it on here. Although I didn't make it farther than 7.5 last night I remember that at mile 10 I really want to throw my IPOD on the ground because the thought of hearing the theme song to St. Elmos Fire one more time I just might scream. At mile 12 I can't really remember my name and at mile 13 you are cursing the person who decided to put that stupid .1 on the end to make it a half marathon.

And yet for some strange reason I am so excited to be running again. I love the time alone just thinking and pushing myself to do more - believing that I can someday get faster. Oh, the stories I have about being a not so fast runner...Like getting to the half way mark of these little country 5/10K runs and the people that are handing out the water have already deserted the area. I have gotten to the end of a 17 mile walk only to have nothing but bananas and warm bottled water left and the ER people packing up to leave...aren't we the people they should be sticking around for? I have been followed by the ambulance and the people taking the cones down as you pass.

But have to say that the most stressful was when me and my friend Ali were running the Grandma's Half Marathon (aka..the Gary Bjorkland) in Minnesota. At about 12 miles after looking at my feet for the last hour, trying to tune out the band with the bagpipes and repeating the middle school cheer.."I feel good..oohh I feel so good..hey" for the billionth time in my head.. a woman with some sign stepped smack dab in front of me and yells..."Get Off The Course!!!!" You can only imagine the confusion that was going through my mind - which at this point was the consistency of Jello. I panicked and looked around for Ali...Evidently the Evil woman had apprehended her as well because she stood on the sidewalk as dazed and confused as I was. The thing about this particular race is that you have to stay below a certain time. The reason is that the Marathon actually starts at the same time as the Half Marathon but the Marathoners begin 13.1 miles behind us. The problem arises when the slower of the Half and the fastest of the Full combine. They don't want that to happen - I would assume it might take away from the photo finish on the front page of the newspaper if this long legged African guy is neck and neck with a 5'2" pale white woman dragging her right arm and her crying friend across the finish line (okay, it may have been the other way - but it was pretty much a blur at that point. But back to story of the crazy woman - we never found out who that psycho was but we looked at each other and decided we didn't care what she said we were determined to finish that race. So for the next mile we would switch spots of encourager and crybaby about a dozen times. I kept saying "I have NOT come this far for them not to give me that stinkin' medal...I don't care who I have to talk to but I am NOT leavin' here without that thing around my neck..." And all Ali kept thinking about was her family at the finish line ......So we pressed on and crossed the finish line. I do rememver that I had this precious boy with Downs Syndrome place my medal around my neck and then I got my T-Shirt - I was on top of the world...and then tried my darndest not to pass out.

There have been some crazy things that have happened on my journey as a runner. And I am so excited for all those things again....And the one thing that I do have going for me that some of those girls with the long legs and the great feet don't have...after a race of that length and we all loose our toenails I don't even cry because I barely had any to loose in the first place....:-)

better manager of my time....

Time, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

I dream about being a better manager of my time. I am so easily distracted. I start out my day with great intentions. I make lists and goals and really believe that I am capable of accomplishing everything on my list. Not only that I believe that I will have extra time to sit in my comfy chair with a good book and a glass of fresh squeezed lemonade.

And then the reality of my day.... I look at my list and think well before I start I'll go ahead and exercise in case it gets too hot. So when I get done with that I think to myself well I really should just go ahead and get my shower so that is out of the way. While I am in my closet getting my clothes I start to look around and think I should collect all the empty hangers and take them to the laundry room. As I do that I realize alot of the clothes in there should go to good will. So I start taking them off the hanger and putting them in a pile. Then I go into the kitchen to get a garbage bag to put them in and I see the dishwasher needs emptied and reloaded. Well, I'll go ahead and get that done so the dishes can get washing. Well, I might as well get the counters cleaned because a clean kitchen will give me incentive to get the rest of my stuff done. I go to put some stuff in the fridge and decide that it would be a good idea to put something in the crock-pot for supper. I have to get something out of the freezer and defrost it because nothing is thawed. By the time veggies are cut up and the crock-pot is full I look at the clock and see that it's lunch time and I am exhausted. So I pull some stuff out of the fridge for lunch and go downstairs to eat lunch and watch mindless TV for a bit. Well - an hour later I think that it is about time to finally get to my list which involves doing bookwork in the office. So I go in the office and see that my desk is a mess. Of course I think that if I clean up my desk first than I will be able to work better. So, I set out clearing and filing papers. As I open the insurance folders I see that alot of that stuff is out of date. So I figure I might as well get those reorganized. Well, of course since I am at the desk I will just check my Facebook for a minute. Well of course that wastes another hour. I decide to go ahead and get a load of laundry put in while I am working in the office. I go in there and SOMEONE had left a load in the washer since who knows when - I sniff and then gag a little - and then rewash it. I open the dryer and there are clothes in there so I take them in the living room to fold them "real quick". I turn on the TV and see that Oprah is on. As the show is over the phone rings and Rob tells me he is on his way home and needs a ride somewhere. I remember the hangers and go upstairs. I look around and there are dishes everywhere on the counter from making supper and my lunch. I go into my closet and remember the good will clothes all over the floor as well as 3 dozen hangers. I grab the hangers and go to take them downstairs and see my lunch dishes and the unfolded laundry. I step into the office to turn off the lights and see the floor and desk covered in open / unorganized folders everywhere. So I shut all the doors and go back up stairs. Throw the dishes in the sink and push the pile of clothes in the back of my closet. Rob walks in the door and as we go to leave he asks me what I did today... I see my list sitting on the kitchen counter - with not one thing crossed off.....as I go to give him answer all I can say is...oh I just worked around the house....maybe tomorrow I'll work on that list...

Dreaming of Goofy.....

(someday I hope to have a picture like this...)

In 2006 I ran my first half marathon and then in 2007 I ran 2 more as well as several 5K, 10K and other races. The fall of 2007 I decided to go back to college and so ended my running career. I LOVED running while I was doing it and I really miss everything that goes with it - especially the Medals!! From my very first run I had my mind set on another race - The Ultimate Medal (well atleast for me). The Goofy Medal....sigh....I have been dreaming about that medal for years.

The only way to earn a Goofy Medal is to be completely insane. The race is run at Disneyworld. On Saturday you run a Half Marathon (13.1 miles) through Magic Kingdom and Epcot. When you finish you receive a Donald Duck Medal. The next day they have the Full Marathon (26.2 miles). It is run through all 4 parks. In this race you receive a Mickey Mouse Medal. To receive the Goofy medal you have to run both - back to back. Yep - in one weekend you run a total of 39.3 miles - thus the word Goofy!!

Well, this dream has surfaced again while my niece and her family have been here visiting me. She ran my first Half Marathon with me and she didn't quit, even though she is a teacher and has recently adopted a little boy. She ran her first Full Marathon in Dallas this year. Well, this crazy girl has now signed up for the Goofy in January...She is my new Hero!!

Even the thought of running a Full seems crazy to me. But if you were ever to do it Disneyworld would be the place. How awesome would it be to be on mile 22, ready to puke and not be able to feel your feet (except the knowledge of how the outer sides feel like ground beef) but to look over and Prince Charming was cheering you on?....sigh....At that point all you really want from Prince Charming is some Vasaline to rub under your armpits so the chaffing will finally cease...

I'm wondering if a Donald would make me happy? - Would I get home and see Donald everyday and think WHY OH WHY....Why couldn't I have been good enough to have Mickey staring back at me?? I mean Mickey has the Ears.... Now a Mickey would be Incredible!! But that means I have 6 months, actually 183 days...Could I train for a Full Marathon in that amount of time. Sometimes I think my dreams are just crazy. Do I set myself up for disappointment? Hmmm, Well maybe I should just send my own Prince Charming to Sam's to load up on Vasaline just in case.......

a slob with a bad case of OCD.....

I dream of being organized...I mean really and truly organized. I can't tell you how often I hear people comment on how organized I am and yet if they only knew. I have this funny thought that goes through my head very often. I always try to figure out the purpose of God creating me to be such a slob with a terrible case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).

Whenever I get ready to do a good cleaning I tell the kids, "Okay, everybody get in here and get your stuff picked up. This place is a mess." And yet when we take a look around....hhmmm...yep most everything is my stuff....aaarrgghh..I am known for dropping my clothes on the floor and leaving the cereal out (which Really irritates my daughter) bringing my stuff in from the car and just dropping it. I am a self proclaimed slob who LOVES a clean house. Not just an averagely clean house....oh no...a behind the stove cleaning, baseboard scrubbing clean house. Yeah...I Know...EXHAUSTING!!

There is this running dialogue that takes place inside my head. If I died today and someone came to my house what would they find? So...I clean. I often wonder if it is the people pleaser inside of me. Even after I die I don't want anyone to have to do the work I should have taken care of.

When I do bookwork I am very aware of the disaster I create. I begin by having everything organized with my cup of tea and some nice music going and a plan to be better this time. And yet part way in I look around and my piles have morphed into a tower of chaos and I have 20 different file folders opened and if someone walked in they would grab me and run for a tornado shelter. This is the kind of thing that frustrates me. My OCD girl is always on the verge of an ulcer because of having to sit by and watch this slob destroy things that she knows she is going to have to go behind and put back together.

What is a person to do? It is pretty much who I am and I don't know how I will ever change my patterns. My family has learned to except my idiosyncrasies and they love me all the same.

99 things to do before I die...

1. Start own blog *
2. Slept under the stars *
3. Take cooking class
4. Visited Hawaii *
5. Watched a meteor shower/northern lights *
6. Rode in a hot air balloon
7. Been to Disneyworld and Disneyland *
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis *
10. Spoke in front of a large audience
11. Bungee jumped *
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm *
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch *
15. Went on a mission trip *
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables *
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train *
21. Riden in a small plane
22. Hitch hiked
23. Been to Alaska
24. Built a snow fort *
25. Read a classic book *
26. Gone skinny dipping *
27. Run a Marathon/Half Marathon *
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset from a mountaintop *
31. Went a week without electronics
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community *
36. Learn a whole song in sign lanuguage
37. Gone on vacation in a convertable
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Looked at the stars on a mountaintop in Hawaii *
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant... *
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight *
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling *
52. Kissed in the rain *
53. Played in the mud *
54. Gone to a drive-in theater *
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business *
58. Taken a yoga class
59. Visited Germany
60. Served at a soup kitchen *
61. Ridden the largest roller coaster in USA
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason *
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma *
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Seen a volcano *
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy *
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar *
72. Pieced a quilt *
73. Stood in Times Square *
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Do something Crazy *
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Had a speeding ticket *
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car *
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper *
85. Read the entire Bible *
86. Visited the White House
87. Visit Australia
88. Had the chickenpox *
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one *
94. Had a baby *
95. Seen the Alamo in person *
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit *
98. Owned a cell phone *
99. Backpack over the Alps

stopping short of the goal....

I dream of a day where I can finish what I start....There are so many ideas that jump around inside my head. I grasp at them and try to do everything and yet many times at the end of the day I am left with nothing more than chaos.

I have always wondered why that I insist on coming close to the completion of a project and then stop within site of the finish line. This became visual to me a couple of years ago when I took up running. I had plans of running a half marathon which required ALOT of training. So as the days went by I noticed a pattern. Whenever I gave myself the goal of running to the next light pole for example, I would get just within feet and then begin to walk...hhhmm... This was so representative of the way I conducted my life.Whether it be cleaning the stove, doing the laundry, paying the bills or loosing weight. I consistantly stopped short of success.

Since during running you have plenty of time to think, I tried to understand why I conducted my life in this manner. Well, the answer seemed to be clear (most likely it became clear before mile 8 because after that I pretty much have a brain of jello). I felt that if I didn't complete things than I can consider myself a failure, unworthy or not perfect. As I worked through this I realized this was completely true but that didn't help me understand the reason why. I wondered if it was because of the worry of what others thought of me, but I don't think that is the case. Because I complete the tasks to a point that people around me would think that I have things together and organized. But inside my head I know different. When people would comment on how clean my house was I would berate myself inside my head because I knew the TRUTH. When people would comment on how impressed they were that I was running a half marathon I was giving myself a list of times that I knew were not what I was capable of.

So, they say that the first step is admitting you have a problem. And now I am very aware that going through life like this is not effective. I find that so much of my life is still conducted in this manner. There are times that I have to talk myself through completion. When everything in me wants to stop short I have to push myself to finish (sometimes it is as simple as scrubbing the kitchen sink). But I am a work in progress - but honestly - aren't we all?

simpler life

I dream of a simpler life....More sitting on the porch with my wonderful husband in our rocking chairs watching the sunset. More sitting on D's bed listening to him play his guitar and sing songs to me. More time cuddled up next to B watching silly movies without distractions and watching her laugh. When I think about my life I want to live more in the present. I want to take hold of the moments that are going by much to fast.

my lifelong dream....

I'll say it flat out........I dream of being Thin....yep, that's my dream. That's the dream that I wake up with every morning and live all day long and I fall asleep with at night. Wow, not easy to just put it out there like that but it is such a part of who I am. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely Love my life. I have the most incredible, sexy, caring and loving husband any woman could ever dream of. And honestly I have 2 children that are every mother's dream. I love where I live and where I am in my life right now.

And yet the same fear that was with me when I was 10 years old is the same fear that is with me at 40. The fear that others judge me. The fear that I won't be able to fit in my blue jeans the next time I try them on. The fear that Oprah is going to call me and ask me to be on her show and I am going to look like this.....(yep, that's how my head works). My life revolves around my weight...I should go for a run, I should start a new diet, I should sign up for a gym membership, I should go shopping for "healthy food", a new calendar will help, or maybe a new exercise outfit. It's never ending. And as quickly as the excitement comes the disappointment is surely to follow....The money wasted on the unused gym membership, the stack of diet books staring at me that never got read, the "healthy" foods that I ended up throwing away, the exercise outfit that is now to small (followed by the thought - If I thought I was fat when I bought it what must I be now??..)

One of the positives that comes from getting older is the ability to see patterns. One pattern for me is that the moment I start seeing real progress or someone says something positive about my weight I know that very soon I will revert back to my old habits. I haven't quite figured out why but I know it to be true. I wonder if somewhere deep inside my head there is a comfort in being overweight. If there is a security in knowing what the future holds in this area - like the one thing I can control....diet, gain, diet, gain, diet, gain....all the things that go along with my weight I know and understand - I could write a book or teach a seminar....( a LONG seminar). But with everything else it is a world unknown. My kids are growing and will be gone before long. My marriage is wonderful, but what if something were to happen to the man who is my best friend. Our business has always been good but as we are seeing we are never assured of what our economy will do. Houses burn down, people pass away, friends turn their back on you and yet the one thing I know is that today I will battle with the brownies on my counter. I know that I will struggle 20 times inside my head trying to make myself go for a run. I know that one day I will get on the scale and be proud and the next the same task will put me in a pit.

My weight loss battle has been with me as long as I can remember. It has been more consistent than anything else in my life. I know it is there. I know it will never leave me. I know it knows every thought in my head. It understands my tears and it rejoices in our triumphs. So, back to my dream of being thin. I think somewhere inside it scares me. That if I become healthy and fit people will see me as different and expect different things from me....or maybe that will be what I will do to myself...and then that "friend" that has been with me might start to fade away just like the other things in my life and that scares me more than everything that comes with being overweight....hhhmmm....

my blogging dream....

Okay still obsessed with figuring out the whole blog thing....you know, the excitement of the possibilities and my fear of total rejection...What if Nobody ever reads my blog? What if they do read it and think, "why am I wasting my life reading this stuff...." What if no one wants to Follow Me? Crazy stuff goes through my head. Do you see why I overwhelm myself?

Okay, now I am going to share with you one of my Dreams...one that I have had for a long time...I have constantly dreamed of having one of those blogs with a couple of girl friends where we all update stuff and each have our quirky sides. Whenever I come across those kinds of blogs I get this kind of longing...I know pretty sappy huh? I also have this dream of having this amazing following of people who constantly comment on my posts and ask me all kinds of questions and tell all their friends about this amazing blog that they just have to check out.....And so here I am...once again attempting this adventure and truly wanting this to become a routine part of my life.

So after all of this you are probably wondering okay enough of the whole talking about blogging when is this woman going to actually start talking about something....anything?... Let's say tomorrow okay? Tomorrow I will start actual posts....I am so excited?? See you tomorrow!!!