Wednesday, June 30, 2010

missing Gibby.....

One thing I never dreamed about was having dogs - especially 2 of them. But 2 years ago my family was up to celebrate Peter's 40th Birthday. We had to go to the neighbor's to borrow a grill and she just happen to have about 40 shitzu puppies. Well, long story short we ended up with one...I must say in large part due to my older sister who aided my daughter in her ability to sweet talk her dad. So Pup Pup came to live with us...(in the house I must add...B must have done some really sweet talking).. But after a few days we...okay I...thought he looked lonely. So in a weak moment I went back to the neighbors and bought his little brother for D. He named him Gibby (after Gibson Guitar) and all seemed very happy. Well, everyone except me and Peter.

The dogs were Crazy. Running everywhere and tearing everything up. You couldn't keep them out of anything. Even the jumbo bag of Christmas M&M's they got out of the pantry...(I KNOW!! Dog's aren't suppose to have chocolate!!!)Ask B about the repercussions of this ALL OVER THE HOUSE!! Red and Green vomit and poop!!My biggest problem was their lack of bladder control. UGGHH.. But we got down to some kind of routine and things got a little better. But everyone knew that Mom wasn't real fond of the dogs.

A few months later Gib started getting sick alot. Lots of different stuff. He would get better from one thing and get something different. Finally about a year ago he got very bad. He couldn't see out of one eye and he was having a hard time walking. Gib had always been small - he was the runt of the litter - so that made him look ever sadder. The vet told us he had a problem with his liver and probably would continue to have problems. So, one day while the kids were at school and Peter was at work it was up to me to take Gib in and have him put to sleep. As I stood there holding him after they gave him the first shot I just cried and cried. I kept apologizing for not having patience with him. It was one of the harder things I have done.

Today D brought it to our attention that it was 1 year ago that Gib passed away. It was hard to see the look in my boy's eyes. I have to admit there is something about animals. They have a way of sneaking their way into your life and making themselves part of the family. So tonight I say...Gibson - you are missed....even by me...

meeting the man of my dreams...

One of the benefits of being a dreamer is the ability to transport yourself back in time and loose yourself in a memory. At 6 o'clock this morning my sweet husband, Peter comes in our room like he does every morning with a glass of water and some medication that I have to take daily. (he knows how I have a difficult time with consistency..) Peter is a nickname that I gave to him a few years ago. In the Bible Peter's name means "The Rock" and that is what he is for me...My Rock.. This is only one of the many sweet things he does for me and it Always makes me smile (even though it IS 6 a.m.). This morning as he walked in I was looking out the window smiling and he asked me what was making me so happy. I told him I was thinking about the day we met. He just laughed - sometimes he doesn't understand how my head works but he agreed it makes him smile too.

I had no clue that warm Texas night on March 14, 1987 as I got ready to go cruise 34th Street with my friends that my life would forever change in so many directions. If I had, I would have paused to savor so many of those moments. As I picked out the crazy floral skirt and that silly bright yellow sweater I would never have dreamed the impact it would make on a certain young man I was about to encounter.

The week before, my long time boyfriend informed me that we should "see other people". So Zanna Sue, one of my best friends decided I needed to get out of the house. We stopped by and picked up another friend who lived down the road from me and we headed to town in Zanna's mom's Ford Escort with LAW license plates.( joke...) The thing to do on a Friday night was to cruise 34th street from the car wash to the Easy Mart. Well, at one point we see this car - it was a Red 1969 Chevelle with a black top and Wisconsin plates. And driving this car was the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen! We saw him and his 2 friends a few more times and then finally we pulled up side be side at a stop light (in front of der and we both had our windows down. That was the first time I saw those Incredible Blue eyes. Zanna leaned over and asked him..."Hey, are you Really from Wisconsin?" And that was where it all began...

So, I TOTALLY realize that this next step was irresponsible and if it were my daughter I would have gone completey insane and I would not recommend this to any young girl but nonetheless this IS part of OUR story... We went to a park that was nearby and we all 6 got out. We sat on the swings for awhile and chatted. It turns out these guys were in the Air Force...Oh, My...this made everything even more exciting..not just your average idiot high school boys. (once again, I know, we should have ran...) We decided to walk a few blocks for Zanna to show us a house she lived in when she was little. So, as we walked it turned out that Peter and I sort of ended up side by side just chatting away like crazy. He was telling me about his family and his life in Wisconsin and I shared my life as well. As we turned to head back he reached over and held my hand. We had to get going and so he walked me to our car. As the others got inside the cars we stayed back - I still remember us staring into each others eyes in the moonlight - sappy, I know, but true. Then he reached down and gave me a light kiss...sigh....Knowing him like I do now that was SOOO out of character for him. When I asked him about that later he just said, "I knew I had to do Something...I knew you were special...and I didn't know how to make sure you remembered me..."

We didn't even exchange numbers that night which makes the story even better. We had mentioned to them where we were going to be the next evening....So, to shorten the story, atleast a bit....That next night in walks the Man of My Dreams....I know, more sappy stuff, but so true. That evening we sat a talked for hours and we finally exchanged phone numbers. He called me that week and our first date was on my birthday the next weekend.

He IS the Love of my Life and I tell him often....This morning as he sat and waited for me to take my medicine he said those words to me as well. We realize we have a fairytale marriage. We have been through our fair share of difficul times. Uncertain times. I have not always been the wife he deserved and I have been deeply hurt by actions of his as well. There have been Many tears shed throughout our marriage. But we can both honestly say there has not been one moment in 23 years that I haven't Loved him. And we are not about to take that Love for granted - not one minute...He is the most amazing man God could have ever blessed me with...He is My Rock.....

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

stopping short of the goal....

I dream of a day where I can finish what I start....There are so many ideas that jump around inside my head. I grasp at them and try to do everything and yet many times at the end of the day I am left with nothing more than chaos.

I have always wondered why that I insist on coming close to the completion of a project and then stop within site of the finish line. This became visual to me a couple of years ago when I took up running. I had plans of running a half marathon which required ALOT of training. So as the days went by I noticed a pattern. Whenever I gave myself the goal of running to the next light pole for example, I would get just within feet and then begin to walk...hhhmm... This was so representative of the way I conducted my life.Whether it be cleaning the stove, doing the laundry, paying the bills or loosing weight. I consistantly stopped short of success.

Since during running you have plenty of time to think, I tried to understand why I conducted my life in this manner. Well, the answer seemed to be clear (most likely it became clear before mile 8 because after that I pretty much have a brain of jello). I felt that if I didn't complete things than I can consider myself a failure, unworthy or not perfect. As I worked through this I realized this was completely true but that didn't help me understand the reason why. I wondered if it was because of the worry of what others thought of me, but I don't think that is the case. Because I complete the tasks to a point that people around me would think that I have things together and organized. But inside my head I know different. When people would comment on how clean my house was I would berate myself inside my head because I knew the TRUTH. When people would comment on how impressed they were that I was running a half marathon I was giving myself a list of times that I knew were not what I was capable of.

So, they say that the first step is admitting you have a problem. And now I am very aware that going through life like this is not effective. I find that so much of my life is still conducted in this manner. There are times that I have to talk myself through completion. When everything in me wants to stop short I have to push myself to finish (sometimes it is as simple as scrubbing the kitchen sink). But I am a work in progress - but honestly - aren't we all?

Monday, June 28, 2010

simpler life

I dream of a simpler life....More sitting on the porch with my wonderful husband in our rocking chairs watching the sunset. More sitting on D's bed listening to him play his guitar and sing songs to me. More time cuddled up next to B watching silly movies without distractions and watching her laugh. When I think about my life I want to live more in the present. I want to take hold of the moments that are going by much to fast.

my lifelong dream....

I'll say it flat out........I dream of being Thin....yep, that's my dream. That's the dream that I wake up with every morning and live all day long and I fall asleep with at night. Wow, not easy to just put it out there like that but it is such a part of who I am. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely Love my life. I have the most incredible, sexy, caring and loving husband any woman could ever dream of. And honestly I have 2 children that are every mother's dream. I love where I live and where I am in my life right now.

And yet the same fear that was with me when I was 10 years old is the same fear that is with me at 40. The fear that others judge me. The fear that I won't be able to fit in my blue jeans the next time I try them on. The fear that Oprah is going to call me and ask me to be on her show and I am going to look like this.....(yep, that's how my head works). My life revolves around my weight...I should go for a run, I should start a new diet, I should sign up for a gym membership, I should go shopping for "healthy food", a new calendar will help, or maybe a new exercise outfit. It's never ending. And as quickly as the excitement comes the disappointment is surely to follow....The money wasted on the unused gym membership, the stack of diet books staring at me that never got read, the "healthy" foods that I ended up throwing away, the exercise outfit that is now to small (followed by the thought - If I thought I was fat when I bought it what must I be now??..)

One of the positives that comes from getting older is the ability to see patterns. One pattern for me is that the moment I start seeing real progress or someone says something positive about my weight I know that very soon I will revert back to my old habits. I haven't quite figured out why but I know it to be true. I wonder if somewhere deep inside my head there is a comfort in being overweight. If there is a security in knowing what the future holds in this area - like the one thing I can, gain, diet, gain, diet, gain....all the things that go along with my weight I know and understand - I could write a book or teach a seminar....( a LONG seminar). But with everything else it is a world unknown. My kids are growing and will be gone before long. My marriage is wonderful, but what if something were to happen to the man who is my best friend. Our business has always been good but as we are seeing we are never assured of what our economy will do. Houses burn down, people pass away, friends turn their back on you and yet the one thing I know is that today I will battle with the brownies on my counter. I know that I will struggle 20 times inside my head trying to make myself go for a run. I know that one day I will get on the scale and be proud and the next the same task will put me in a pit.

My weight loss battle has been with me as long as I can remember. It has been more consistent than anything else in my life. I know it is there. I know it will never leave me. I know it knows every thought in my head. It understands my tears and it rejoices in our triumphs. So, back to my dream of being thin. I think somewhere inside it scares me. That if I become healthy and fit people will see me as different and expect different things from me....or maybe that will be what I will do to myself...and then that "friend" that has been with me might start to fade away just like the other things in my life and that scares me more than everything that comes with being overweight....hhhmmm....

Sunday, June 27, 2010

my blogging dream....

Okay still obsessed with figuring out the whole blog know, the excitement of the possibilities and my fear of total rejection...What if Nobody ever reads my blog? What if they do read it and think, "why am I wasting my life reading this stuff...." What if no one wants to Follow Me? Crazy stuff goes through my head. Do you see why I overwhelm myself?

Okay, now I am going to share with you one of my that I have had for a long time...I have constantly dreamed of having one of those blogs with a couple of girl friends where we all update stuff and each have our quirky sides. Whenever I come across those kinds of blogs I get this kind of longing...I know pretty sappy huh? I also have this dream of having this amazing following of people who constantly comment on my posts and ask me all kinds of questions and tell all their friends about this amazing blog that they just have to check out.....And so here I am...once again attempting this adventure and truly wanting this to become a routine part of my life.

So after all of this you are probably wondering okay enough of the whole talking about blogging when is this woman going to actually start talking about something....anything?... Let's say tomorrow okay? Tomorrow I will start actual posts....I am so excited?? See you tomorrow!!!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

what do i want from a blog.....

Dreaming sometimes gets me into trouble...just like now. I have been suppose to be doing bookwork for several days now. But I have really wanted to start a new blog. So there is the dreaming about which site to use...wordpress or blogger...well as you can see after hours of checking out both sites blogger won out. And then what should I name my blog and what was the purpose of my blog. Well, since nothing jumped out at me I decided to go to a page of quotes. As I read through famous quotes one by Eleanor Roosevelt caught my eye. A couple of years ago when I decided to go back to college I had to do a comparative Review paper on Eleanor Roosevelt. She was incredible woman who greatly impacted our country but.....there were a few things that, let's just say....she wasn't perfect. And that is one of the reasons it made me love her even more. So, once I decided on that I had the difficult time of finding a template and which background and then what colors and then changing it all 40 times.....and then what font to use...Do you see why it so hard for me to start a blog? There is alot of pressure. And then the biggest pressure...What to Post...I mean - who is my audience, what do they want to hear, does this go with my theme, do I really want a theme, dang it - why did I pick a theme - I don't stick with anything much less a theme for a blog!! PRESSURE....So this is where I am...trying to figure out what I want to say....what do I want to real do I want to I want to be me or reninvent myself into something different.....well, I guess we will see together.....

Friday, June 25, 2010

One of my loves is photography
so occasionally I will share some of my favorites.

i'm definately a dreamer..

Most everything I've ever done has probably been on some kind of list or another. I love looking ahead to things I want to do. Because of this I have a difficult time staying in the present. That is one of the things that I wish I was better at..(maybe if I put it on a list...hhhmm...) But I think that dreaming and looking ahead has helped me to accomplish things that I never would have. Had I put blinders on and only lived in the here and now I think I would have considered my life Boring. But I can't say that about my life. I believe I have lived an amazing, beautiful and adventurism life. There is something exhilirating about dreaming about something - whether it be building a new home or buying a new outfit. I believe that is why they say the best part of a trip is planning it. Maybe because during the planning you can imagine amazing things that probably won't even happen but it's as if you get to enjoy it in a whole different way.