Wednesday, July 21, 2010

a blank page......

I dream of a blank, there were like a dozen different meanings for that statement that just went through my head.

I dream of a blank page as a writer. The freedom to create from scratch the words and colors that go through my mind. The excitement of following along with the page anticipating, just as the reader, where each word will lead me. The enjoyment of sharing the stories inside of me in a way that allows my reader to feel emotion - joy, sadness and encouragement.

I dream of a blank page as a decorator. When I was in high school if you asked me what career I wanted "when I grew up" I would have confidently answered - an interior decorator. LOL!! I was just looking through a photo album with a picture of my room when I was a teenager. It had blue wallpaper covered in white daisies - small daisies on 3 walls and the focal wall with Large ones. My bed had a quilt that my grandmother made me that has since been put away because it is so worn through that I fear that one more night's sleep with it and it will fall apart in my hands. But my favorite part of my room was a winding white wrought iron plant stand that displayed all my stuffed animals...funny memories. I was so proud of my room. I think I must have rearranged it every month. I am really not much different now. I love looking at the potential of a room and dreaming of the placement of furniture, colors and artwork... Although I didn't follow my career goal that I had dreamed about then I believe my love of decorating has served me well. I love my home and it makes me feel joy and peace and I think that is what a home should offer it's occupants.

I dream of a blank page as a gardener. Now don't get me wrong because I do love a fresh tomato from the garden, but I love the day that we plant it maybe even a little more. The way the soil looks right after it has been tilled. How it just falls through your fingers and smells of spring. I love the even, precise rows when you stand back after the planting is done. The way the garden is as weed free as it will be until the following spring. I love dreaming of the harvest that it will bring. I don't know if my husband has caught on yet but I don't know if I am so much a gardener as it is the decorator inside of me that enjoyes the whole gardening life. LOL! That and the photographer side of me. I can't wait to get my canning done so I can display all the jars and photograph them...well either way my family benefits so I will just keep doing things the way we are.

I dream of a blank page with relationships. There is an excitement about meeting a new friend and learning random things about their lives. And the excitement that comes with the anticipation of spending time together. The peace that they are judging you on what they know about you at that moment and not by the history books of your life that are sitting on a shelf in your head waiting for someone to pull one out and smack you with it. But at the same time it is beautiful to have a blank page with old relationships. One of the best parts of ADD is that I have the ability to move on to something else rather quickly. Also I am blessed with a very bad memory at times which works well in some situations (but not so good in others). Recently I went through a difficult time with a friend that I have had since I was a little girl. I had been hurt for months and the longer I kept it inside the more it was consuming me and seperating our friendship. Finally one day we decided to talk. She was amazing! The first thing she said was that she wanted to listen and hear my words. She wanted things to be better and so even though she knew it would be difficult to hear what I had to say it was more difficult knowing that I was hurting and there was a way that she could help me feel whole again. As I spoke about the situations where I had felt hurt and frustrated she just listened without defending or getting angry. She assured me that although it was not her intention to hurt me she gave me confirmation that she understood why I would feel that way. I take blame for not speaking up at the time things happened. I don't know if I decieve myself into thinking that I don't want to hurt them and so I just try to stuff it down or if I am just afraid of conflict. What I do know is that after our talk our relationship is even stronger today. And like I said the benefit of having a bad memory, along with the help from God, is that I have forgiven her I honestly can't remember details on any of those things that were dividing us. I probably could if I tried really hard but I stop myself the moment I start to go there. I am ready to move forward. I am so very grateful for humility, for forgiveness and for friendships.

Today I dream for you a blank page....maybe it's the ability to be creative...maybe it is a blank page to make a To Do list...or maybe it is to offer someone a blank page in a relationship or be open to receive one....

Dream on....and have a wonderful day!

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