dreaming of the way things use to be....

I think this might be my hardest post yet but here goes....

I dream of things being the way the use to be. Not because it was easier but because I felt whole. So soon after life makes a big change it takes time to readjust and I am just really not enjoying this adjustment stage. I go from being on the edge of tears to ready to jump into life. I am trying to figure out how loosing someone is suppose to get easier. I realize that death is a part of life but I am not sure how to cope with this. To know they are there living, laughing, hurting, growing and changing. And then to know that I have no part of it sometimes tears me apart.

When you are a little girl you dream of finding that one true girlfriend that is like the one in the movies. The one that completes you. The one that will be with you when your old. The one that knows all your secrets and knows how to finish your thoughts. But you aren't taught how to deal with life when you get that and it turns away...when their life changes and you aren't welcome to join in. You aren't taught how to hold your head up and let them go and live a new life.

The only poem I ever memorized was by Robert Frost when I was just a teenager...

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Lately I feel like that teenage girl that sat on my bed writing that poem on the cover of my English book. I feel like life can be so childish. Wondering at what point do we all finally Grow Up!! I go right back into that shell of a girl wondering maybe if I would have changed, tried more, done more....and then I realize....people change...people move away...move on...move out of our lives. And we are left to....adjust....I go from being Angry to being Sad. From being Happy for them to feeling Abandoned. I know that the teenage girl who read that poem believed that when she grew up that stuff like this didn't happen anymore. That adults didn't behave like this. That someday she and her friends would be mature and make insightful decisions. That things would "stay golden"...She was very misled....

I guess today is just one of those days of feeling sorry for myself and trying to deal with a change in identity - for me...I tried to decide how to use my blog without having this chunk of my life involved but it is to much a part of who I am right now to leave it out. Because right now so many of my dreams revolve around this part of my life....I dream of being truly happy, of the pain going away of not being on the edge of tears. I dream of starting new friendships with the kind of depth that I know is possible. I dream of embracing a world that is constantly changing and being okay to change within myself...I dream of being the kind of woman that teenage girl knew was possible to exist...authentic, caring, selfless, courages and loving........

I dream of the endless possibilities that lie ahead because of the place that God has me in at this moment....

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."