The Joy of the Lord.....

Heart, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

Last night I was watching the Biggest Loser with my sweet husband. I have watched the transformations these individuals have made and it always moves me to tears. For so many reasons....I am so happy for them and for their families....I understand what that change is going to mean for them....I know their futures are forever changed....well, at least for the ones that truly "get it". The ones that have worked through their issues and know why they turn to food for comfort...why they would rather sit in front of a TV watching others loose weight than do it themselves.



I've been there. I've had the motivation and the time and the determination to get the weight off. To get healthy. But what I don't think I have ever dealt with is Why??...I keep repeating the same patterns throughout my whole life. And I keep ending up right back at the same spot or even worse. And so I gain weight and that makes me depressed and then I am depressed so I gain weight....



During a week moment last night I asked Rob if he would be my personal trainer. So when Rob takes something on he does it with everything he has. So this morning starting at 6 am he starts asking me if I am ready to get up and exercise....uuummm...NO!...It's dark and I'm sleeping!! So for the next half hour he worked on irritating me enough that I finally got up so he would quit bothering me. He informed me that we were going outside for a run...Are you CRAZY? It's 10 degrees outside...So he says.."then you will have to put on alot of layers..."



I knew Rob was taking this serious when we were ready to start he asked if he could pray...That was so Sweet!! As he was praying he said..."I thank you that Linda has the desire to be out here..." And I couldn't quit laughing....Ummm. I had the desire to go to a heated gym....You were the one who drug me out in the Frozen Tundra....



I will admit I was GRUMPY....He kept wanting to run and when I would "run" he was still walking...which makes me remember what a slow runner I am.....The farther we went I was torn...I was enjoying being outside but I kept getting madder and madder. He didn't realize that part of Bob and Jillian's role is counselor. So as much as I needed to exercise I needed to get stuff out...Why can't I get a handle on this???...Why do other people not struggle with this??...Why am I even trying???



At one point I had a visual....My heart was tired....Not physically (but it could be that too!) But my heart is just tired of everything........selfish people............people that I feel disappoint me........circumstances that I am tired of dealing with........tired of disappointing myself......I'm just tired!!



Last night I actually got out my book, Fearless Living. I have so many things highlighted and circled - I just started reading.....A few of them stood out....



But there is never a guarantee. While we wait for circumstances or people to change that are outside of our control, we can end up feeling sorry for ourselves, resentful and helpless...



Expectations will always build evidence for you and against others...



She had to accept where she was before she could move forward....


I could go on and on.....So many powerful things....that is what I want...To Live Fearless!!!!



I don't want others choices to affect me in such a way that I can't function.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, resentful or helpless....

I don't want to put expectations on others so much so that it drags me down when they don't meet them..

I want to stop giving others control of my Joy and Peace!!

I want to accept where I am...to own it....so that I can move forward with my life!!!.....



So...does this all mean that in the morning I am going to jump up out of bed with a smile on my face and be ready to take on the day.....Ummm....I don't know if I would go that far. But I do know that I want to take my power back. I know to many people that are Negative....I don't ever want to be that....I often tell myself that I remember when I was a Happy Person.....I still have every reason to be happy. If others around me choose to live in constant negativity than I can't let that alter my life....




10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”



That is how I want to live my life....Enjoying food and not letting it dominate me......Helping those that are in need......and not grieving because I KNOW that my Joy comes from the LORD and I find my strength in HIM!!!!....

Can I get an Amen??......

Today I dream for you.....Joy.....the Joy that comes from HIM....not that Joy that the world offers that comes and goes...but the Joy that comes deep within your soul......



Have a JOYFUL day friend.....

my Christmas Memories......



 It's funny because I have such a crazy memory and yet I don't remember alot about Christmas when I was growing up.....There are few but not as many as I would think...

I remember being about 6 and Neil would have been 8 and it being Christmas Eve. I remember the lights on the Christmas trees and the presents scattered around it. And then I remember how Momma always let us pick a few presents to open on Christmas Eve....(if she hadn't already given them to before...Momma was no good at surprises...lol..) I don't remember what we got at all I just remember the 3 of us being there....Sort of Random but I have always had that visual in my head....

When we were older (probably teenagers) I remember one night when Momma got home from Christmas shopping. We heard her tell Daddy that she had some bigger things that she had to leave out in the trunk. So after everyone went to bed Neil came in my room and we snuck out my window with a flashlight. When we opened up the trunk we were in Shock! There sat 2 World Globes....Yep.....just what every teenager wants huh?.....LOL...At least we had time to work on our excitement for Christmas morning....

One of my funniest Christmas memories though has got to be my 6th grade year. On Christmas Eve Daddy was on his way home from town and there was a guy hitchhiking...Daddy pulled over to give him a ride. Seems he had no place to go so......of course...Daddy brought him to our house...I remember Momma quickly wrapping up chocolate covered cherries so he would have something to open for Christmas. We had a Huge meal with lots of people on Christmas day. My best friend, Corrie Green and I "waited tables". Each table had a bell they rang for service....LOL...I recall that the Gentleman sat right by Daddy at the head of the table.....Daddy gave him some work for the next few days and all seemed well. But then one afternoon Momma got a phone call....it seems that Daddy had sent him to get supplies in the truck and  he never came back....Daddy called the police and so they sent out a report and Momma went to Lubbock to give Daddy a ride home. Well a few hours later we got a call. It seems they found the truck on the side of the road close to Amarillo.......out of gas......but "our friend" was nowhere to be found......LOL....

My next memory was when I was in 7th Grade...I'm pretty sure that had to be the closest to having all my brothers and sisters in one place. (maybe 8 of the 10??..) That was the year we were remodeling the living room into the kitchen so there was nothing in there...We filled it with "church tables"...I am sure we ate an incredible meal but what I remember most is the GAMES. Our family has always LOVED to play games....Most likely we played Family Feud and Spoons....But I just remember we played a version of Solitaire that had teams....The only word to describe it is CHAOS!!! I was on Jimmy's team and I recall sitting on top of the table to get a better look at the cards.....SO much fun!!!

But one of my most precious memories is actually a glimpse....a moment....I remember it, I know I do but I hold onto it because of a few photos that I'm sure are copies from my sister. I must have been 3 years old maybe. And my sister Carla and her husband Bill took me and Neil to Santa Land......sigh..... Here's how random my memory is....I remember where we parked and then walking down the street. It had actually snowed so as we approached I remember looking around at the trees covered in lights, feeling, what I would describe now as "stepping into Narnia...." It was like a magical place....I remember seeing Mr and Mrs Clause and Gingerbread houses....But right in the center was a large pole.....the North Pole......It was covered in Ice and you could go up to it and touch it....I think that is my most special memory because I have a the photos...not great photos....but I barely have a handful of tangible items from my childhood and these are ones I hold dear....Carla has me dressed in a soft white coat and my hair is almost blonde....I remember those years....years of uncertainty and turmoil....but I remember that night with Bill, Carla and Neil and feeling..... happy.....and loved....... the way a child should feel at Christmas time...

I often wonder what my kids Christmas memories will be.....Becca rolling her eyes when we would decorate the tree and I had to talk about every ornament...setting corn our for the reindeer......our tradition of 3 gifts....serving at the Soup Kitchen in Texas...D helping me put up Christmas lights......I pray their memories are of family and love and I hope that we have made the birth of Jesus the priority....

Today I dream for you.......sweet Christmas memories.....from your childhood and making new ones.....

Have a wonderful day friend....

Did Ya See Da 30 Pointer??

Our Cabin in the Woods....(okay Rich & Lisa own it now but I still call it Ours....)

Cabin, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

Well it has officially begun......When I woke up this morning to Da Yoopers singing The Second Week of Deer Camp, I knew that Deer hunting season is now upon us....


I myself am not a hunter....for many reasons.....


Reason # 1 being - if they would possibly make the season in June when I didn't have to wear 14 layers of clothing to stay warm I might consider it.


Reason # 2 - I can't sit still (the ADD ya know...(the ya know was said in a Canadian accent for effect...lol...) and with that one you can add that I like to talk......uummm yeah.......


Reason # 3 - The last time I held anything resembling a gun I was playing Lazer Tag in my sister Debbie's backyard in the early 90's. And I most likely was killed early on so not alot of experience......


Reason #4 -.......Ummmmm Bambi......Duh!!!!....


Reason # 5 - I have run out of wall space for deer heads in my house....


Reason # 6 - No matter what you do to cook it I can't pretend that venison is beef...it's Not!!!


Even though I am not a hunter my boys are. Every year Rob's cousins come and stay at our cabin in the woods. They live on the Illinois border but luckily they are on the Wisconsin side.....I don't think you could make it through Deer Camp in Wisconsin if you are officially from Illinois - the harassment might be unbearable.


When Larry and his crew get here on Friday night Hunting Season can truly begin.....Rob of course will be getting his license tonight (last minute) at the Boaz Country Store. Then he will head back to take part in the festivities....


I know alot of women have a hard time with this season but I personally Love it....

* I love pulling out of my driveway and knowing that Adam is the one sitting in the tree stand across the field. Then looking up towards the house seeing a glimpse of Rob in his orange and knowing that if I dare honked to say good morning it might send him into convulsions......LOL.....

*I love driving into town seeing all the guys along the way like little orange dots in the woods and then crank up my heat.

*I love that Saturday mornings (opening day of hunting) is the day that the town is filled with Craft Fairs for the women. I spent many years having my own booth and now I started the tradition of going with my friend Nichole just to enjoy.....

*I love nights like last night - Rob and D bustling around the house getting everything together.....talking nonstop.....

*I love the updates throughout the day hearing who has seen what and who the lucky one is that already got one....

*I love hearing the words...."we are headed out for a Drive!!" That means that they all get to work together and I know they have so much fun.....

*I love that D gets to hang out with his cousin Randy - riding 4 wheelers and being boys......

*I love when they come back from the Cabin telling about how stuffed they are from all the amazing food that Teresa sent along.

*I sort of love....driving to Boaz to see the Wall of photos of everyone with their deer....okay - not that one so much....I like getting a Diet Mountain Dew at the Boaz store....


*But most of all I LOVE to see Rob doing something that he enjoys....He does so much for our family and works so hard and very seldom takes time for himself. I know there are times that he thinks that he is just going to "skip it this year...." But I don't want him to....He needs to be one of the guys and tell stupid jokes and share this all with his son.....It sounds crazy and doesn't make sense at all to me but I know he needs it....Just as much as I need to drive to Madison with my computer and a book and sit in a chair at Barnes and Nobles doing the exact same thing I could be doing sitting in my own house (except no one is making a caramal macciato at my house...) He needs "guy time"....


So.....starting this evening I bid him farewell and then go rent some movies. And then I lay in bed at night warming up his ice cold feet while listening to all his stories of the day....(and Hopefully there are stories...it won't be good if there aren't - that's a whole other side of hunting......) And I know it's only for a short time....


So as I started out that this morning I heard the one song but tomorrow will be the Official Day....When I wake up to Phil playing......Did Ya See Da Thirty Pointer....It's like the bell toll.......Silly Silly Life.....


Here are a few videos for you if you are totally bored.....or if you should be working and you don't want to.....


The first one is one my sister Debbie told me about this morning....Bill Engvall talking about taking his wife deer hunting...Sooo funny - but be warned - you will probably end up watching several of his if you start.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zTFd93oAiA


And for those of you who have never had the pleasure of hearing Da Yoopers...I will apologize up front for the total waste of your life but it is just a part of our life "up Nort..."

Here is Thirty Point Buck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Utt_XgcWv8


And The 2nd Week of Deer Camp....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb9yhhflmvY


Well wasn't this special.....LOL.....So today I dream for you........Laughter at stupid stuff.....I say that because I have spent most of my morning listening to Da Yoopers and watching Bill Engvall videos and laughing the whole time....And I just realized I am still borderline grounded from my Internet. They said that I wasn't suppose to be watching videos for 30 days to get my usage down and I now probably ruined it with Da Yoopers.....**shaking head**....Oh Well......

Have a good day my friends......

Repairing and Forgiving

My memory is a crazy crazy thing.....You would think that with such an amazing memory I would remember to do things like pay bills on time or to give my dog his medicine....but Alas.........No.....(in all honesty I remember those things, it is just the lazy part of me that walks by and says....hhmmm...I"ll do it later....But that is a whole other blog so we will leave it at that.....)

I spend insane amounts of time recalling things like the layout of my high school, junior high or even elementary....which teacher was in which classroom and sleeping under the teachers coat closet was the best place for naps when we were in kindergarten. Or things like remembering what I wore to the Rick Springfield concert....I can remember that my favorite thing to eat at Paco Taco in the mall when I was a kid was a Chalupa and that the Potato Factory was across from it but was only there for a few months....I remember songs I sang in Vacation Bible School at Ropes and the layout of a girl's house I had a sleepover with in Fort Worth the summer I stayed with Debbie in 4th Grade......

Why do I remember this stuff? Why do I care to remember this stuff at all????? I honestly have no idea.

Most of the time it is fine....exhausting but fine. But what I was thinking about this morning is what I can't remember. I had a normal upbringing I guess you could say....LOL....(a whole lot of stuff just went through my mind as I wrote that and thought...normal huh????....) But in the scope of things it was pretty typical.

I can almost picture the moment when as kids we stepped past the threshold of the days of everyone being everybody's friends to "groups". I remember looking at the girls that had spent the night with me celebrating my 9th birthday at the roller rink screaming out the windows of Diane's yellow Vega...."HEY AMERICA....PEACE TO THE COUNTRY!!" and laying in my bed when Diane and Neil came to my bedroom window and scared us to death while laughing hysterically. But within 6 months there was a line....I knew it and they knew it.....

As much as I can remember I can't remember who my friends were for the next several years. Now don't think that I'm saying that I don't remember their names because I can pretty much tell you everyone that was in my 6th grade class and where they sat in Coach Timmon's room. But I don't know if I had a "group". I don't remember sleepovers or birthday parties....I wonder about that young girl and how sad she must have been during that time.

When I was in Junior High I made cheerleader.....LOL...(that is another one that I will blog about later because that is a whole story in and of itself...) But you would think that being cheerleader would have moved me into a new "group". Nope, it just made the differences stand out even more. There were people that made sure even harder that I knew my place and my place was not with them.

High School got better....I found Suzy and Gina....LOL...funny - I say that like it was such a big school. It wasn't that I couldn't see them within our class of 26 students. But finally in High School we became a "group". I have memories of the first time watching Prince's VHS Purple Rain at Suzy's house. I have memories of waking up on Saturday mornings in Gina's room to her dad playing county music on his guitar. The memories of our 4 years could fill a book for me.

But so writing all of this the crazy thing I have been thinking is that I can't remember the bad stuff. I mean....I can....but I have to think really really hard. The other stuff flutters through my head endlessly but the really rotten cruel things that I know happened to me don't come so easy. There are times that I start to wonder if this is what they mean by stuffing things down deep inside. That one day I am going to "Snap" and it is all going to surface......that freaks me out just a tad bit....

Since those school days I have had my share of rude and malicious people that have come through my life. I have had hurtful things done and said to me....But honestly those memories come back to me very rarely. It's times like this as I bring it to my mind that my heart hurts for the girl/woman who was on the receiving end of many incidents that could have caused irrevocable damage.

So what brings this whole topic about...........well......Yesterday was quite a day.....maybe someday I'll blog about it more in depth but right now I just want to hold it and not speak to many words into it.....but long story short a relationship that was very important to me had been somewhat fractured....okay that is putting it mildly...maybe a full body cast...It was a slow process but finally in a matter of moments it was over.... I couldn't imagine how God could repair it....And yet Yesterday through a series of incredible and only God circumstances I sat last night holding the hand of one of the most precious people in my life.....crying and laughing and being honest about where we both had been in our lives....

Being friends for as long as we had been there was hurt along the way...I'm sure there was...But I don't remember it unless I try really hard. If I'm in a bad mood or in a pity party I can dig around and bring stuff to the top. But day to day that hasn't been what I think about. I think about Kwik Trip Chunkalunkas and how I miss her handwriting. So yesterday morning when God put things into motion I couldn't even remember how we had gotten to where we were and honestly I didn't care.....

Yesterday I wrote on my Facebook Page..."Have you ever known me to hold a grudge?....I think it's my ADD"....I really have a hard time staying angry at people......

***(Now even though I say that - there are people throughout my life that have said mean things about me and have done things that make me realize that it is not healthy to be in their presence....I may not hold a grudge but I am not a "wet noodle"....LOL.... )***

But I do think there are several reasons I am who I am...I would Love to be able to say.....I am able to Forgive others because of my amazing prayer life...I am so in touch with God...I realize that the forgiveness that he bestowed upon me is the same that I should offer to those around me....
But sorry to disappoint you....although that is somewhere deep inside, my main reason is honestly that I want to Love my life.....I HATE being bitter....being angry....being sad......I LOVE to laugh so hard I pee my pants....to see others happy....to hug and encourage and bring joy to those around me......

A few months ago I had the opportunity to sit down with a woman that was actually one of those girls from my childhood days....one that was in another "group". I was home and we decided to meet for lunch. We hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. It's that same story I told you earlier...I never dwelled on the hurts caused by her and her friends but if I concentrated I know they were there. We were both rather nervous but as we sat down we began to talk first about our lives now but then we went back to those days....She apologized for the things that she had done...for they way she treated me.....And I was able to get a glimpse inside of her life and what it was like for her back then as well......We sat and talked for 3 hours....3 beautiful hours.....

I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for that opportunity......And I am beyond thankful for last night to reconnect with a dear dear friend.....

****Now this I share as humbly as I possibly can........this is by no means bragging and as you read this I need you to understand my intention when I say these words.........I am so blessed that God has given me a heart to forgive.....that He has given me a memory that is more inclined to remember the good than the bad...I am by no means perfect....I still do have my pity parties where I spread my sorrows out on the floor and roll around in them....Although I am so happy with what He did for me yesterday I still have another relationship that is just as fractured....a Very important one...Even more so than the one was with my friend....I honestly don't know how to repair that one or even if it can be...But yesterday made me remember what a Big God he is....

Today I dream for you the faith to believe that God can do something you never thought could be done.....And that He does it in a way that you know it is only by His power that it could be....

Have a blessed day my friends.....

Marie Osmond, McDonald's & My Kids

The other day I had blogged about Spontanaity...Well, last night Dustin tested me with it. Yesterday was a great day for "getting things accomplished" around the house. I got alot of those unfinished jobs crossed off my list (including finally hanging Rob's deer head on his office wall...woo hoo!) and it felt so good. So when Dustin got home I had Oprah on and I told him to come watch with me. She had Marie Osmond on her show talking about loosing her son 8 months ago. He suffered from depression and one day left a note on his bed and jumped from an upper floor of his apartment building. Dustin and I already talk alot but it started even some more conversations which was good.

Well during a break there was a McDonald's commercial advertising the McRib. I was telling him that I hadn't had a McRib since I was a little kid. Dustin quickly said "Mom....come on let's go to McDonald's!!!"...."Dustin, we can't go to McDonald's, I have stuff set out for supper and besides Dad would go crazy if we went to town just for McDonald's!!!"...."PLEEAAASSEEE!!....it will be fun!!!" All I could think of was my spontaneity blog.....sooooo....me and my son were out the door. We live out in the country so it is probably 15 minutes away. We went in - through the drive through and then back home....And I was praying the whole way home that Rob wouldn't be home when we got there.....He doesn't quite understand Dustin and I sometimes.... It was a fun little trip...we laughed ALOT and so I think that it was worth it.

About an hour later Becca got home for the weekend. After supper...(yeah, D and I still had to act hungry at supper...lol.....sometimes I feel like a kid again...lol...) Becca grabbed my hand and pulled me into my room to lay on my bed and talk. She loves my bed. So as we laid there she proceeded to tell me stories of college....oh my goodness....she is HILARIOUS!! I so miss all of her voices and crazy faces. She had me laughing so hard that I kept having coughing attacks...(which as women you might know what that leads to)...Well, since it was already 7:30 and dark Rob informed us that it was time for bed....LOL....He is ADORABLE! I went and got my pj's on and went to lay in Becca's bed to continue our talk. I just Love laying there cuddling with her and listening to her talk. Rubbing her fingers (like Debbie taught me to do with my kids).

She tells me that she likes college overall but still struggles with finding a good friend. She does things with different people but spends alot of time in her room. As a mom it's hard to hear that your child hurts. Dustin goes through the same thing. I told her that I know it probably wouldn't help but really if you ask most people they have a hard time finding a "best" friend.........Both my kids have alot of people that like them and are both well loved and respected by adults. I try to tell her that Rob and I go through the same thing....Life can be hard..Friendships are alot of work and take alot of commitment on both sides....The key is to be strong in yourself and kind and loving to those around you. You can't depend on your joy to come from those around you. Others can add to your Joy but they can't be your Joy...... 

As I laid in my bed I just kept thinking about Marie Osmond. My heart just broke as she shared her story of her son. As she talked about how well loved he was.... How he loved to laugh.... How close they were.....And yet he still chose to take his life........Why?????....I know why......Sadly satan is a master at what he does. How he can so easily convince us that we are unlovable....unworthy......useless......As adults we are more capable of finding our way to truth, maybe battered and bruised....but we atleast have a direction we try to point ourselves to...... but children.....children are much more vulnerable to Satan's lies.....

I pray for my children constantly....That they will know they are loved....That they can see that God has a plan for them. That they will never think that life is so bad that they just want to give up. That they can find JOY and PEACE in this temporary place called Earth.....

Wow this post got intense didn't it???....But that was my day yesterday. A roller coaster of emotions. I cherish the moments with my kids. I know I have to hold them tight while I can because no one knows what tomorrow will bring. So, I am thankful for the post that God gave me about Spontaniety because without that prompting I would have never had my little trip with D and I probably would have just went to bed instead of spending time cuddling with my girl......sigh....

Today I dream for you...........grab the moments.....take advantage of time with someone you love..... to Laugh.....to cry....to just be real......I know that Marie Osmond would agree that if something were to happen it doesn't make it easier but those are moments that you wouldn't trade for the world.....

Have a blessed day my friends....

Goodbye Grandma......

We lost Rob's Grandma on October 27, 2010....She was as much a Grandmother to me as I could have ever imagined.....She will be greatly missed.....I will be speaking at the funeral on Sunday...below are the memories that I will share with all of those who were touched by her wonderful Love........

I LOVED seeing Grandma laugh........

Making Christmas Sugar Cookies

One of FAVORITE memories.....Picking Strawberries
and making jam.....I Will Miss Her So Very Much

October 31.......1987.......Rob and I had been dating since March and his parents and brothers had already come to Texas to meet "the new girlfriend". But now Eldon and Lilas Vanbrocklin...also known as Grandma and Grandpa were on their way to McCallen Tx for the Winter and would be stopping in Lubbock. I was a nervous wreck not only because I was meeting his grandparents but making supper. It went beautifully...Grandma raved about my Pork Chops and Rice and has made comments to me even recently about that meal. I often wonder if they were that good or if she was just being kind...We sat around the rest of the evening playing cards and visiting....(I know shocker, huh?)

Grandma and Grandpa would visit again for our wedding the following June and then they were back through again a few months later on their way South. That evening we took them out for supper and then they stayed on our hide a bed in the living room. The plan was that we would get up and have breakfast and they would be off. But when we woke up the next morning they had left a note saying that they couldn't sleep and had already gotten on the road. I remember how sad Rob was that he didn't get to hug them and tell them goodbye.......Fast forward to Feb 11, 1990...The phone rings and Rob answered it..... his dad told him to hand the phone to me....Don instructed me to wrap my arms around Rob and hold him and then give him the phone back. I did as I was told and I could hear the news...Grandpa had passed away......

So for the last 20 years our memories have been filled with Grandma.....and there are many......

*I remember Grandma's Donuts.....and how lucky Kayla always got the Bumblys....
*I remember the boys short sheeting Grandma's bed when we were all up North at Larry's cabin.
*I remember the story that my kids and Grandma always laughed about when they had gotten off the bus at      Grandma's house and she made box mac and cheese and forgot the cheese / the kids said it was the best!
* I remember when Vanessa first learned to use the phone and she called Grandma all the time....even when Scott and Sal didn't know...
*I remember sitting in the living room at the farm and watching Grandma sew Sally's wedding dress
*I remember Jule filling Grandma's house with Anything Lemon.....
*I remember the STEEP stairs in her old house
*I remember how the boys ALWAYS referred to them as Grandma and Grandpa at the farm
*One of my FAVORITE memories....picking strawberries and making jam.....
*I remember how I use to have allergic reactions to Bee stings...so whenever I got stung I would have to drive to her house and sit on her couch so she could watch and see if I Puffed Up....
*No one could ever forget her LOVE for playing cards.....the Hours we all spent playing SOB is priceless
*I remember how she always got irritated with one of the guys in McCallen that said Up North or
Down  South when his score was higher or lower....so of course Rob said it Everytime!!
* I remember the year that we had atleast 5 apple pies in our freezer from Grandma at All times
*I remember her beautiful hair....I often told her that I would stop coloring my hair if only I could have hair like hers.....
*I remember visiting with her and Alene at the Fair when she was Supervisor of the flowers....
*I remember her Love for Reading...and the countless times when I asked her what she was reading it was a book from Janis....or from Sal..... She definetely passed that love to all 3 of her girls...
*I remember her working at Webers Dry Cleaners....
*I remember Alene and Lisa laughing about the fact that every pocket of every item of clothing of Grandma's ALWAYS had a crumpled tissue.....
*I remember when she was in Texas she would never stay on the phone because it cost to much and she wouldn't even say goodbye - she would just hang up....
*I remember Dustin and Allie playing kitchen with Grandma and she would pretend to eat their food....
*I remember everytime we walked into the house Grandma showing us a newspaper clipping of Vanessa and Allison....she was SO proud of them...
*I remember Thanksgivings at her house on the farm with everyone at the Table that stretched into the Living Room and Rob and Scott carving the turkey and Janis sneaking pieces the whole time before we ate...
*I remember mushroom hunting on the hill up behind her house....she knew ALL the Hot Spots....
*And of course I remember "Lilas' Birthday Party" every year.....and how I am so thankful for that time to get to know "the Popanz family"...the time to sit and visit learning about everyone's lives and my children growing up with their cousins....intertwining our families has been so important to me.
*I will NEVER forget the Endless amount of potholders that she knitted for ALL of us every year.....
*And I will never forget the last time I hugged her as she wheeled herself down the hall to watch me get onto the elevator to leave......she told me she was ready.....and I know she was.....
That's what makes this so hard and yet so peaceful....We have had this time with Grandma - to Love on her....for her to Love on all of us.....My sister just asked me if Grandma was worried about dying....I said No - I think she was worried about Living....She was 92 years old....Her mind was as clear as the day we met....and yet her body wasn't as cooperative.....I know she was ready....ready not to have problems with her blood pressure....ready to not be confined to a wheelchair....but most of all ready to see Grandpa....

Thank you Grandma for being the best Grandma we could have asked for.....you will be greatly missed....
 

Autumn in Wisconsin.....

What a wonderful day!!! It was a perfect Wisconsin Fall day....I tried my hardest not to think of the fact that days like this only mean that we are all that closer to Wisconsin Winter. Autumn is by far my favorite season since I have moved here. One of my biggest joys is standing in my kitchen with a glass of iced tea, the smell of fresh baking cookies in the oven and my favorite music filling every room. And looking out my open windows at the vibrant colors of browns, oranges and yellows...How can one help but smile??...  

Yesterday as I was driving back to my house from town and I was taken back to my first few years of living in Richland County.  I was driving Paul out to my house so that he could use my Jeep for awhile. He is one of the band members of Remedy Drive, a Christian Rock group that was performing for our community.  He was going to take his wife and their little girl  to do some sightseeing around the area.  Then they would pick me up later before the concert. It was so fun listening to all the comments that they made at how beautiful the area is. He and his wife both commented that they could see themselves living here.....What makes me sad is how easy it is to forget to look around and be appreciative for the gifts that God gives. Sometimes it takes seeing things through someone else's eyes to  remind us.

I am so very thankful for where I grew up. West Texas has it's own unique beauty. Sometimes you have to use more of your imagination but it is there nonetheless...LOL... There are the most incredible sunsets with such an assortment of colors. And you have not witnessed a exquisite starry night until you have layed on a the roof of a car in the middle of a cotton field in the darkness. Breathtaking!! You are literally surrounded by tiny sparkling lights. You can't help but smile and take a deep breath and ultimately feel closer to God. Then of course there are the West Texas storms. Although they are my least favorite things about West Texas, there is a definite beauty in being able to watch an oncoming storm for miles and miles away. And then the smell of the dirt mixed with rain and the crispness in the air as it closes in.....

I have traveled my fare share in my 40 years and I must say everywhere that I have been offered a unique beauty....God never ceases to amaze me at His creativity. It is impossible for me to pick a favorite. The mountains in Oregon were incredible. Swimming in the Mineral Springs in California were like nothing else I have experienced. But some of my favorite things have been star gazing on a mountain top in Hawaii and with my uncle in Pennsylvania on our way home from our day in New York City...Florida was more difficult to see God's work in the landscape but the people were wonderful. And of course there is Jamaica......That is where I am closest to God. So it is impossible to pick one area where I am more impressed with His awesome work while I am on the island. So much of that is because I am more relaxed while I am there.

LOL....as I write this I just can't help but think about the fact that yes it is absolutely God's beauty that warms my soul. But as I look back to every place that I have I have visited the beauty is actually a backdrop to the people that I am with....Sven and Deanna in Oregon... Scott and Kim in Michigan... all my family in Texas... Uncle Lynn in Pennsylvania...Florida with Carla and Bill... Bryan and Nichole and all my kids at the orphanage in Jamaica....Becca, Dustin, Rob, Nadine, Kurt and Andi in Hawaii...and then sharing the beauty of Richland County with all of my wonderful friends on a daily basis.....oh my I could go on and on....I am not only blessed to have seen so much of His creation but I have been so blessed to have shared it with some of the most wonderful people...sigh.....

Wow....that was fun visiting all those places in my mind....remembering how blessed I am at the incredible people that I am surrounded by....I know I didn't mention everyone that I have shared traveling memories with but I promise you that I know they are all special....I would love to hear some of your memories of times we shared together that you recall as well.....fun!!!

Well so let's see....I guess I dream for you the chance to stop and notice His creativity.....in the landscape that surrounds you....in the people that He places in your life....in the simple joy of a pumpkin spice cookie and a glass of iced tea....He is an Incredible God!!!

being an aunt.....

Lexie and Max <3

McKenna doing her "homework" <3

Yesterday my niece Amy and I had a nice visit. We talked about the fact that while she and my other nieces an nephews around her age were growing up I really never felt like an Aunt. I am not that much older than them so I always felt like more of the big sister. Once I did get older I got married and then MY life began so I sort of missed out on chunks of their lives. When I moved to Wisconsin I attempted to stay close...I tried to send gifts for bithdays and stuff. But if you are my friend on Facebook you will know that I have a Post Office Phobia that I am still working through...LOL... I do remember one particular birthday while I worked at a clothing place called Bostwicks....Amy's birthday was coming up and I kept seeing all these adorable clothes that I was sure she would look amazing in. Finally after changing my mind umpteen times I decided on an outfit, boxed it up and sent it on it's way. It's funny because even after all these years the thought of this makes me want to cringe....LOL...I have wanted to bring it up so many times but I didn't know if I was strong enough to handle what their response was....I always think to myself....Linda, what they heck were you thinking??????...I sent Amy this one piece black full body unitard thing...and surely something else with it but the unitard thingy the main  cause of my anxiety....Honestly Linda???? A Unitard??? I don't know - maybe I was thinking about her love for gymnastics and she would appreciate spandex...I remember the day they arrived at the store, I was helping stage the doors of the dressing rooms. I pulled them out and wondered who in the heck could ever fit into something like that and I remember thinking - Amy!! And then I hung it on a hanger and probably put a sweater around the neck of it - 80's style...When I was looking for a gift my mind just kept coming back to that stupid unitard and in a week moment I caved and that is the gift my teenage niece received...I'm sure after this post we will laugh about it - maybe they won't even remember it....but sadly I have a pretty good feeling that they will.

Well now that the first wave of nieces and nephews are grown and have children of their own I feel like I can finally be an Aunt. But as the before mentioned Post Office Phobia is in full effect I find I do most of my Aunting in person. Which has been great since I have been to Texas so much lately and the fact that I have had multiple visits from them this last year. But not so good those  neices and nephews that don't live in the direct vacinity of my visits....Okay - that is the guilt part - I wish I could be involved and active in all their lives....I truly do!!!! They are all part of me...part of my past...part of who I am....sigh....

But yesterday was good for me in the Aunt department. When it was time to pick Amy's girls up from school I was excited to surprise them. McKenna is 8 and Lexie is 6. (not 7&5 like I posted first - but was corrected by Aunt Debbie - it's a good thing she is here to take care of things while I'm away....whew...) They both share Sept. 11th birtdays and are just as sweet as can be. Carla and I stood outside Lexie's classroom and McKenna and Amy were walking toward us (Amy had taken 2 of their 13 puppies for show and tell - mix of Boxer, Lab and St. Bernard - CUTE) She had her head down and I stepped in front of her and bent down - she SQUEALED and wrapped her arms around my neck..."Aunt Linda - what are you doing here???" Priceless!! Then as Lexie was walking out of her room she looked right at me and held up a tote bag with the name MAX on the side. (Max is a stuffed animal that they get to take turns bringing home)..."Aunt Linda - I get to bring Max Home!!!!!!" and then she gave me a Big hug. I guess it does make me feel good that even though I live in Wisconsin I am around them enough that it is not uncommon to see me. As we left the school I was holding her hand and she looked up and told me..."it's a Great Day!! - I have Max AND Aunt Linda!!" And people would wonder why I would drop things and fly to Texas in a minute...I need this stuff - My cup is filling with every hug!!!!!  Later that evening the girls and I cuddled on the couch to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks - the Squeakwell....McKenna started giving me a massage (which I am not kidding when I say she is REALLY good at and will do it for a LONG time...heaven) and then Lexie came out with the Hair supplies - which is her specialty. So as I lay on the couch getting my massage Lexie is putting tiny ponytails all over my head. I think I ended up with 13 she said. She kept explaining  of all the wonderful braids and things she could do if only my hair wasn't so short...LOL....Next McKenna came out with her tea cart. She had cut of apple slices (no pealings) laid out on a nice plate with chocolate sauce drizzled over them and another small glass bowl for dipping. And then a coffee cup of water...So we all shared our apples and watched the rest of our movie..

What a wonderful day.....(well wonderful until I slipped down 17 wooden steps before bed...OUCH!! That was quite a show though. I am very fortuanate that I wasn't hurt worse than some bruises and a sore body. I am not quite as young as a used to be...LOL!) But it was a wonderful day - even with that - I am laying in bed at my sister Carla's house...one day soon I will blog about my sisters...I have wanted to for so long but I want to do it right...I want you all to know what a blessing they are in my life...But right now I just want to savor moment by moment...I have the ability to get overwhelmed but I don't want to do that. I want to enjoy and savor this week and all the joys it will bring....

Today I dream for you a cup filler....if you don't understand that concept read my previous blog on this...

http://thebeautyofadreamer.blogspot.com/2010/07/full-cup.html

But find a way to be filled so that you can have the energy to give and serve and not be overwhelmed...

Have a full day my friend!!!

 So I feel like I missed out on all the joys of being an "aunt".

The Desires of My Heart.....



This is my charm from my weekend with some incredible women.
The hearts represent each of us with the One on the stem
being our table leader....That was a life changing weekend...


con·tent 

adj.

1. Desiring no more than what one has; satisfied.

The idea of being content is a tricky one...On the surface it seems like it is a noble thing. When you first hear this word your mind is probably drawn to thoughts of material possessions.......Is our home big enough... is our car "new" enough... do we really need a new purse....does my cell phone have enough bells and whistles....As a society it seems as if we are never Content with what we have...The media is always trying to convince us that we need bigger and better.

When you come across people who are just happy with what they "have" sometimes it is just hard to accept. They must be hiding something. And then you dive in a little deeper and you begin to uncover what events have transpired in their lives. What made their priorities shift from material  to relational...They understand that their house and everything in it is just stuff....And stuff doesn't bring you lasting happiness - relationships do....That is no more evident than when we are in Jamaica. A majority of the population have basically very little. And yet they are some of the happiest people I have met. But as you drive along the unpaved roads you constantly see groups of people....Men, Women and Children...playing cards or just sitting together in lawn chairs...My first American instinct honestly is....why aren't they at work trying to make their lives better. But then I think who's definition of Better? I think there is a balance but I know that those people have taught me a tremendous amount about priorities..

So I get that it is a good thing to be content in our materialistic lives but what about other areas. Yesterday I attended a tour of our local hospital. I have been asked to give the Welcoming and Closing speeches for the annual Fundraising Brunch. The CEO of the hospital was speaking to us and he made a simple but profound statement. Basically it was that who they are today will not be who they are in 5, 10 or 15 years....Our hospital was established in 1924 and because of our strong community it has made some incredible advances, especially within the last 15 years. It is not only aesthetically pleasing but the care that is given here has increased 10 fold...He discussed that it would be easy now that they just completed the new Med Surge floor to sit back and say...whooo...now we are done. But he said that is that is not good in any area of life. We always need to be searching for how we can be better.

On my way home that  thought just kept playing through my head. I think it is Extremely important for us to take moments to sit and breath and express our gratefulness for where God has us - for the gifts that he gives us. But then our next breath needs to be....so where do I go next??? I began to process that for myself...I am beyond grateful for the "gifts" that God has given me. My home in the woods, my Jeep that cleans up pretty good (even after 145,000 miles), my clothes (even if they are mostly from Walmart)...He has been beyond good to me. And I have also been extremely blessed with relationships. I have sisters that make me laugh so hard I cry and brothers that will always protect me. We have had our share of difficulties and our family tree may not look "normal" but I love each and every one of them all more deeply than anyone could imagine. I have had friendships that have lasted most of my life and I have met some amazing people throughout my life....My husband is the most incredible and loving man I could have ever dreamed of spending my life with and my children make me so proud sometimes it brings me to tears....(caveat....my marriage has been plagued with difficulties and my children have made many many mistakes....these 3 are not perfect people ..just as I am not....but they are MINE..and we are in this together....and I adore them with all my heart!!!!)

So if anyone would feel the urge to just be "Content" it would be me. And yet it seems that there is a constant knot in my stomach...He is constantly leading my on to a new adventure. A new journey with new people and new surroundings....Lucky for me I love adventure so the excitement makes me giddy....It's the work that is  involved that makes me think twice....I LOVE the going - it is the doing that holds me back...There are so many things in front of me right now...areas where I am praying for direction...I want to make sure they are not my DREAMS but his DESIRES for my heart.

Psalm 37:4-8 (New International Version)

 ⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.
 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
       trust in him and he will do this:
 ⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
       the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
 ⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
       do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
       when they carry out their wicked schemes.
 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
       do not fret—it leads only to evil.

This is one of my favorite parts of the Bible. I could sit and dissect it with you for hours. It is FILLED with wisdom. It first came to my attention several years ago while sitting at a table with a group of women in Texas that I had just met. We named our group..."Hearts Desire..." I have went to this passage countless times since that life changing weekend with those ladies. For me Desire is an Action word. Desire means that you want to go Somewhere...I think that is why I am so proud to call myself a dreamer...these are my Desires.....and then I am to DELIGHT in Him and He will give me the DESIRES of my heart.....**Here is the Key**....now listen close.....the fundamental part is that the closer I am to Him.....are you listening.....my DESIRES are His DESIRES.....sigh.........But on the flip side - the more distant I am from Him....the more My Desires are strictly my own....and trust me that only causes problems in my life....


Here is just a sample of my Desires from the list that I keep...some He has blessed me with and a few that still haven't happened but I believe they will...The ones that have happened have been surrounded my many many earnest hours of prayer...rarely do Big Dreams just "happen"...they require alot of work and commitment on our part....He does give gifts to those He loves but I believe that He also needs to be assured that the one's He entrusts with those gifts will be good caretakers of them...I pray that the he is proud of how I care for the gifts that He has blessed me with...

To go on a mission trip (Jamaica....)
To help start a church in our community that would impact lives (Hidden Valley Community Church..)
To be an author...
To speak in front of Thousands of people...
For Rob and I to start and care for an orphanage....


So today my Dream (or Desire) for you is to evaluate your Desires...... But what if you have no Desires?....what if life is too busy or you are to overwhelmed...too exhausted to Desire anything....The Bible tells us that God gives good gifts to those who ask.....ASK!!!! DESIRE!!! DREAM!!PRAY!!! He created  an amazing world with amazing people and amazing places....Allow yourself the freedom to Desire!!!!!

Have a Full and Beautiful Day my friends....

my brother Neil.........

I just got off the phone with my brother Neil...(I think it is so funny - that is what I always call him....My Brother Neil)....everybody around here always tells me that now that I have been in Wisconsin for 20 years I can start just calling him Neil because they realize who I am talking about...LOL!

My family is ...well....interesting...I can openly say this because they will all agree with me - we are quite a mixture. Momma always compared us to the Lucielle Ball movie...Yours, Mine and Ours...I am the baby out of 10 kids and Neil is my only Full Blood sibling. He is also the only one that I really grew up the whole time with. Many of the others were in my life..some more than others...but I have many memories of all of them. But memories of me and Neil flood my childhood....Him teaching me to drive a 5 speed...(the little Chevy Love...) Our (yes they were both of ours....and don't let him tell you different...) Muppet Puppets....Climbing trees in the backyard, fighting in the backseat, making slip and slides with HUGE pieces of plastic..and climbing into bed beside him the morning that the coroner came to our house early that rainy morning to pick up Great Grandma after she passed away down the hall.....tons and tons of memories.....

When Neil and I begin talking we could tell stories for hours upon hours. I love that kind of relationship with someone when you  only have to say a word or a phrase and memories come flooding back. And there is useless information that only they could give you....like - what was our Dr.'s name when we were little....(I wonder if possibly Debbie or Carla would remember but I know Momma would...) it was Dr Sauders...and he looked just like Captain Kangaroo. We use to sit in his waiting room reading Highlights magazines and  we got to pick toys out of the treasure chest.

Neil had the most Awesome class..(you see how I threw that 80's word in there..lol...) Our class was 2 years behind him and we idolized them. Probably 2/3 of our class had older siblings in that class so we were all like family. Every morning we would  meet in the library before school started and gather around one of the round tables listening to Tim or Kenneth read Garfield and Calvin and Hobbs out loud. Their class was full of pranksters and comedians....and as little brothers and sisters we were in awe of them....(don't know how funny the teachers thought they were but we enjoyed it....) I am always telling my kids and their friends stories about growing up and the things that we use to do. But it is so funny how many of my stories are things from Neil's class...His memories have become my memories....Sammy (?) sneaking out the window in Coach Tonn's class and and how they locked him out and then him just walking back into class and convincing Coach that he had given him permission to go to the bathroom....Being in Mrs. Ham's class and Neil telling the girls that he was crying because he had Leukemia...(when in reality he had just yawned and it caused his eyes to tear up....) and the girls running to the bathroom crying and his punishment was having to confess to the girls...Neil riding in the trunk of Tamara's car and pretending to be dead when they got to "the house"...their class being the ones that finally talked the school board to allowing us to have a prom....(Footloose.....It could have really been based on our lives....LOL..)

The class of 1986 taught us how to have a sense of humor and how to be adventurism....I wonder what things would have been like without them. What would we have done without Brent.....Brent hung out with Me, Suzy and Gina as much as anybody else.....I so remember riding in his car on graduation night one year out to someone's barn listening to his new cassette of Prince...Not to mention the whole trip to Lubbock to see him when he was working at the mall at the Pretzel Place and my care dying and Steve Rucker just happened to pull up and jump my battery.....LOL....Not mentioning how old I was....If you know that story then we must be close.....LOL!!! I remember Kenneth and his amazing musical talent on his Synthesiser and how he could Pinch you with his toes..LOL...I remember spending many hours at the Satterwhites "waiting" for Neil and Mitchell never getting to be part of the pranks because his dad was Superintendent and his mom was the English teacher..I remember Lucretia living at the end of our road and Pam across the field..I could go on and on.......sigh......

Neil has been a wonderful, wonderful brother....Although you would have never thought I would say that when I was younger...He will probably get upset at me for putting this out there because it is so not him now but he use to beat me up all the time when we were kids. He use to punch me so much that one time he was walking in his sleep and even came and beat me up...But I have to say that the time he threw the ball point pen and hit me in the eye and busted the blood vessels and then put a pillow over my face and begged me to quit crying was not intentional....it was just my turn on Mad Libs..LOL..but he didn't think Daddy would believe him so I went 2 days without looking at my parents because my eye looked like I was staring in a horror movie and then there was the moment I walked into the school the nurse called Momma to come get me...and then she FREAKED....LOL!!!.But now you would never know that he had a temper...He is the most caring and loving husband and father....And he is the best brother I could have ever asked for. It breaks my heart to be so very far away from him during these years of our lives. Years where we could be there to support and encourage each other. Neil now has 4 children....His daughter Peggy is almost the same age as Becca and has always been brilliant! Noel is brilliant as well but has his challenges...He has muscular dystrophy but that has not stopped him from being an incredible artist....And then he has 2 darling daughters ages 6 and 2...He is currently back in school and wanting to be in education. He has a wonderfully supportive wife that couldn't be a better soul mate for him and that makes me so happy. I am so proud of him and all he has accomplished....and I love hi dearly....

Today I dream for you the opportunity to reflect on someone in your life....what do they mean to you? Think of memories that you share.....take the time to talk to them and let them know how they have impacted you.
Have a wonderful day my friends....

Kerry Ann...(3rd post of JMP)

Kerry Ann wearing My Jamaica Hat....it ended up staying with her...LOL!

So today I get to share with you stories about My Kerry Ann. I'm not even sure how we even first started getting close. I suppose it was just from pushing her wheelchair up and down the bumpy yard singing songs. That is probably what sticks out most in my mind is her singing. At some point I had a video of her singing and somewhere along the way it has been misplaced. But I can tell you it is probably the most precious sound you could ever imagine. The first time I heard her we were sitting under the shelter in the middle of the property and I asked her to sing something to me and I asked her if she knew the song - Open the Eyes of My Heart.......Oh My...That was probably when we connected. I sat at watched this girl sing these words to God and truly speak to Him. This is a girl who has been confined to a wheelchair her entire life with Spinal Bifida. Has been through pain like I can never even imagine. One day I watched as Njoki lifted her tiny mostly limp body into her wheelchair one morning and I cringed as she winced in pain until she got adjusted. And then to be left in an orphanage to be raised by others because her family doesn't have the ability or finances to take care of her. If anyone should be in a pit it is this young girl. And yet on that morning when I saw her connect to God I knew I wanted to be in her presence. And so now she is "my girl.." and it is mostly selfishness on my part. I push her wheelchair and sit and hold her one good hand and rub her face. And then I tell her that she is SPOILED and she does her laugh where she lifts her body and looks up and away like she is embarrassed.

Goodbye Hugs are always the hardest...

The first time I ever told her that it was just adorable. We were sitting in the "dining area" and she reached into her little purse and pulled out some J (Jamaican money) and handed some to one of the boys. She said something in the language I dont' think I'll ever learn and off he went. I didn't really pay attention until awhile later the boy came back with a grape soda. I looked at her and I said.."is that what you told him...to go get you a soda..." - "yes" - "and then he just runs and does what you say..." - she just sort of giggled....And so I told her "Kerry Ann, you are spoiled...do you know what that means?.." She said that she didn't know the word...So I explained it means....Everybody Loves Kerry Ann and so Everybody does anything that Kerry Ann Wants...and I said it to her in a sing songy voice...and so that is our little joke now...Every time I say it to her she just giggles and giggles....

My second year at the orphanage was probably the most difficult. Kerry Ann and I spent alot of time together and on the last day of working there she was acting very upset. One day we were in the school room and I was holding her hand and loving on her. She wouldn't color or do anything like the other children. I kept asking her if she didn't feel well and she would just look away. Finally all of the sudden she just burst into tears. The teacher came over and was talking  to her in Patwa and so I had no idea what was going on. She was so good with her and was comforting her but my stomach was in a knot because I had no idea what the problem was. One of the girls pushed her wheelchair out of the room and the teacher and her went to
the side of the building so she could calm her down. Finally the teacher came over and explained to me that she didn't want me to leave...That just broke my heart...So the rest of the day we just spent time alone and I tried to explain that I would be back the next day to take her to church.

Rob pushing Kerry Ann up the hill to church...and of course she was Singing

So the next day at church we found a place over by the window. The children in wheelchairs take up the outside isle and then people sit on a small bench beside them. So we found our spot in the middle of several other wheelchairs and began to listen to the woman sing and Pastor Douglas began to preach. His sermon that day was powerful just like every other time we have been there. But this sermon was about healing. He told the story about the men that brought their sick friend to see Jesus. They couldn't get inside so they climbed up on the roof and lowered him down through the ceiling and asked Jesus to heal him. I looked around at all these children scattered among the local people. Children that couldn't speak or were deformed from birth. Did they understand what he was saying? Did they pray for that? Did they lay in bed at night and asked to be healed? And then my eyes rested on Kerry Ann. I was holding her hand and she was staring directly into my eyes. What were her eyes saying to me? Did she want me to pray that for her? What if I were strong enough spiritually to believe that God could heal her right there. Was this God testing my faith right there? Did he give me the gift of this girl to be able to witness a miracle if only I had the faith...And in my soul I felt myself say.."no"...I couldn't..literally within seconds Kerry Ann began to weep - uncontrollably weep..There was no where to go - we were jammed in like sardines and it wouldn't have mattered anyway. The church is on a Steep hill and Kerry Ann has to be carried up by several strong men. So there we were. I rubbed her face and put my head close to her ear and just began to speak softly and try to comfort her. Letting her know that I would be back to see her and that I would call and talk to her...which I do but not near as often as I should....Gradually she began to calm down...Services were over and we took the children back to the orphanage and said our goodbyes. It was very difficult but Njoki promised me she would take good care of her....We drove away and I began to weep. I realize that my group thought it was because of leaving Kerry Ann and it was in part. But at that point my soul was breaking. I knew that morning was a turning point. It had to be....That evening I sat out by the water where it was quiet and I talked to God. Why would He do that to me? How could I be put in that position? Was He really asking me to do something so bold or was it my vivid imagination. And what if he was and my response had now changed this girls future and my obedience could have dramatically changed the direction of the faith of the people I was with and all those people in that room and people I would never know.....What if I would have said Yes???? I don't know...I honestly don't....Maybe I think much to highly of myself to think that God would have used me in that way....Honestly - Who Am I???? And so I switch from It could have happened if I would have only obeyed to thinking that I am crazy.....

So as my JMP friends read this I really have no idea what they may think....possibly yes that Linda is a little Wacky but we have come to expect that...but I do think that we have all had some pretty bonding experiences now that they know my heart...It has been a joy to have shared these special times with each of these people. If any of you have ever been part of something like this you will fully understand the impact that it makes on you if you invest in it fully. The people you serve with are connected to you forever...They have seen the faces...They have pried on shoes with you that were to small to fit the feet....They have cleaned and painted the walls of bathrooms covered in stuff you don't want to identify....It is a bonding experience and we are now like a family. We may argue or get irritated because of lack of sleep but each of us understands why we do what we do.....For the Kids....For Us....For the lives back home that will benefit from our changed lives and I am beyond blessed to have this incredible family called Jamaican Mission Program...

Today I dream for you the opportunity to truly serve from the depths of your heart...for you to impact and be impacted...for opportunities for God to speak to you...I have tried to let go of the guilt of saying No and live in the truth that He speaks if only we listen...I have to believe that He knew my answer before He asked so He was not surprised or dissapointed...He just needed me to be aware so when the opportunity arises in which I would give Him a Yes I will hear his voice....Have a blessed day my friends....

Njoki......(2nd Post of JMP)

Njoki preparing breakfast.....

On my first trip there were 2 girls that just grabbed my heart. Kerry Ann and Njoki are about the same age. By now they are probably 28 years old. But it's hard to think of them like that. They seem so young and fit in with all of the children in the orphanage. Even though they play and sing right along with everyone else they both are very good at "mothering" the younger ones.

Njoki has Downs Syndrome and has recently been diagnosed with Diabetes which is not making her happy. She is on a special diet and everytime I talk to Ms. Grant - the administrator - she says that Njoki is sad because of the food she has to eat. The orphanage is set up wonderfully in the fact that it is basically a home. All those who are capable have responsibilities that they have to take care of. But from what I see Njoki has alot of responsibilities and sometimes I just go and wrap my arms around her because I know the feeling of exhaustion of being the caregiver.

One of my first experiences with Njoki was probably one of my most difficult. Ms. Curry yelled at her...(they always yell - no one just talks..LOL...) "Njoki....go feed Mooni....." They say that Njoki is the only one that can feed Mooni. So Njoki takes me by the hand and leads me into the small kitchen in her cottage. She grabs a bottle that honestly looked 20 years old and began to pour some kind of thick yellow mush kind of liquid into it. She then screwed a nipple on that had the tip cut off that would allow the thick liquid to come out. She once again takes my hand and pulls me into one of the rooms. The room had about 8 beds but only one was occupied. Here lay a girl, probably in her late teens - her legs were bowed and her arms and hands were clenched and bent and she had the largest brown eyes I had ever seen. Njoki went over to the cupboard that held clothes. Clothes that belong to all the girls...you just take out whatever fits and that's what they wear. Well, Njoki reaches up and grabs a dress shirt that is made of a Satin like material. She puts the shirt across Moonies chest and under her chin to use as a bib. She proceeds to stick the bottle in Moonie's mouth and Squeeeze.... and Squeeeze....and she would turn and look at me and just smile and rub my arm while she worked. As she squeezed the yellow liquid covered Moonie's face and down her chin and cheeks...all over the bed and filled the "bib"....Njoki would take the satin bib and try to wipe Moonie but the fabric would just spread it everywhere. I just sat and watched the interaction. The more Njoki tried the worse it got and then I watched Moonie....she had the biggest smile on her face and laughter in her eyes. Njoki got done and patted Moonie, who was now a complete mess, and then grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door.

Njoki feeding Mooni.....(this wasn't the day with the purple satin bib though...LOL...)

Just sitting here thinking about her makes me laugh. She is very protective of the visitors. Especially when some of the boys come around. She knows that Franky may pinch or hit and so when he comes close you can see her just eyeing him....She knows Tony is just a flirt and always wants to be by the girls. She knows at any moment Beannie Mon might just drop his pants whenever he wants and so it's nothing to see her smack him upside the head.

Njoki protecting Joey from Tony...this is just typical Njoki....Love It!

This last time she was just hilarious. On the last day of working at Westhaven they always throw us a party with cake and ice cream. Which is a great treat for the kids as well. Kerry Ann always sings us a song and it always makes me cry....But this last time the kids had some music going and they were dancing like crazy. I just wish that you could see Njoki dance.....She just smiles and goes to town....It makes me laugh just thinking about it.

This last trip I didn't spend as much time with Njoki as the other 2 times. I realize that Kerry Ann is very jealous and gets upset if I am paying attention to Njoki. Last time I tried to juggle time with both and it exhausted me. While Kerry Ann was eating I would go for a walk with Njoki. Or when Kerry Ann was occupied with someone else I would hug on her....But this last time I realized that Njoki makes friends easy. It's not hard to find some other visitor that wants to spend time with her. So my main focus was Kerry Ann but I never passed up a chance to get hugs from her....

Njoki hugging on Kathy....Love that smile....

So there is my girl Njoki....Sometimes I just watch her while she works...I watch her talk to the other children in their own language...or maybe just give a look - just like a mom would...I watch her laugh and I see her sit and lean her head against a post and close her eyes just to catch a moments rest....She is remarkable and I am so blessed to know her.

Have you ever seen someone that you were just in awe of. Someone that you just sat back and watched how they move....Maybe it was a nurse that was caring for a loved one.....Maybe it was a mother with their child....Moments that just make you take pause and want to take in what is happening. I LOVE when that happens......Today I dream for you the chance to encounter someone worth "watching". Someone that you can learn from or just be in awe of.....Have an amazing day my friends.....

a compromised immune system.....



photo of Rob holding my hand while we wait for my results of my biopsy....thanking God there was no Cancer but not understanding what it would mean for my future dealing with Hoshimotos......

 I remember when Becca got back from her trip to Germany a few years ago she came down with Mono. It completely wiped her out. Rob and I ended up sleeping downstairs and giving her our room that got more sunshine and she could have the windows open to get fresh air. As a mom it was terribly hard to see my poor girl so very sick. Since that time we have had to be very careful not to let her get to exhausted. Whenever she overdoes it she pays for it later. I can almost guarantee that after something major she will get some kind of sickness. In fact right now - after just starting college a few weeks ago - she is going to the clinic today with strep. Her mono was intense and it did a number on her immune system. So as a mom it is difficult for me to sit by and watch and wait for what might happen next. The sicknesses that she usually gets aren't major - but they are enough to shift her world.....

I was thinking about this today because of what I am going through in my life lately. I have had some big things happen in my life the last several years. Things that turned my life upside down and left me questioning alot of things - including God. I can remember one day standing in the shower sobbing just saying over and over that I don't think I believed that He was real anymore....That time in my life was the deepest of all my pits. There have been many throughout my life but none affected me the way that this one did...Two years later I finally was able to pull myself out of my pit and start to live again. But even though I was living it was like my "immune system" had been compromised. Things would come along that normally I could handle and yet I found myself slipping back into that pit....all I wanted to do was sleep and forget about the world....So for the past several years that has been my life. A majority of the time I am fine..I Love Life - everything about it....and then something happens....something that shakes my foundation. That has been my last several months. I feel like I can't get my footing. Every time I think I am doing okay my world shifts and I feel myself falling again. In the last few months I have lost a wonderful friendship, listened to my mom tell me she had another stroke and lost her eyesight in one eye, sent my beautiful daughter  to college, watched my son go through things that no child should have to go through, held another part of my family as they dealt with things that broke every bit of my heart - I never want to see a mother cry from the depths like that again, had to have gallbladder surgery and attempted to deal with another relationship that has taken every bit of strengh out of me and has brought out sides of myself that I don't like feeling. The list could go on and on and on..........

And then I have weekends like this weekend....most of it was good stuff - honestly. I loved working at the JMP tent and talking with people and visiting with my friends. And at the same time knowing that the money we are raising goes towards some amazing kids....good stuff....and yet - The long hours and stress and responsiblities of setting up and tearing down every day, days of preparing the food, decorating, serving, having company & staying up until 3:00 am because I knew it was the only real time I would get with them, not feeling guilty leaving the others alone at the tent to watch Rob in a skid steer competition, and the same problem with going to watch D's band play, the final day of tear down while completely exhausted, and then still looking around my kitchen at the piles of things that need taken care of....I just feel Overwhelmed....I feel myself falling back into my pit and I am having a hard time talking myself out of it.

All of this and then the fact that not long ago I was diagnosed with Hoshimoto Disease which is an auto immune disease that affects my thyroid.You throw on top of that my nervousness from my ADD and I just about drive myself crazy. I am always shaking and on edge. And so that is what makes me think of Becca. In the same way I am protective of her I have to be protective of me. I am my biggest advocate. Most of what happens to me in the world is out of my control. But I can have control of how I handle it. I take alot of deep breaths, talk to God ALOT and have great Dr.'s who take good care of me. I make it a priority that in the calm times I surround myself with positivity. I make sure my house is as clean and organized as it can be...so if I am out of sorts for a few days my house won't overwhelm me so much...I try to make sure I make good connections with people that are positive and honest with me...so that when I can't see the truth I know that these people will speak truth into my life....I lead a life that is as clean and pure and encouraging as I can so that when Satan tries to convince me I'm unworthy I can look back on my past and see the positives in my life...

I could dwell on the negative parts of my life....some seem to think that I have had this picture perfect life and if they only knew the trials that I have gone through they would wonder how I even stand. Happiness is a choice.....it is not a right.....sometimes I have to make that choice several times a day...or even an hour....I don't LIKE the pit...No matter how much Satan tries to convince me that life is better there...it's comfortable to live in the midst of your pain - it allows you to defend your actions...my friend and I use to joke that we were in our pit so often that we have it decorated and should have our mail forwarded there......I don't Want that.....I want JOY...I want those around my to be Joyful....and honestly most people want to be around Joyful people.....negative people attract negative people....I CAN'T stand negativity...honestly I can't  - I don't mind hurting people...in fact it brings me great joy to help someone with their hurt....but I can not surround myself with negativity....it is not good for me....it is not good for my family and those around me.....So if you are around me any amount of time you will hear me say the phrase...."Satan - you will not steal my JOY..." and I have to live by that....

So.....well.....hhmmm.....I guess this was one of those posts where I just needed to sort some stuff out in my head. I don't know what else to say.....maybe you can relate....maybe you have had trials that have put you in a pit....maybe you have people in your life that just insist on living in their negativity and you just want to run from it.....well, then I guess  today I dream for you a healthy immune system....I know amazing Dr.'s but most of our problems are things that they cannot cure...What a difference our life is when we go directly to the one that created us....He knows us best....He knows how to make us joyful.....So today - choose to be JOYFUL!!!