Monday, June 28, 2010

my lifelong dream....

I'll say it flat out........I dream of being Thin....yep, that's my dream. That's the dream that I wake up with every morning and live all day long and I fall asleep with at night. Wow, not easy to just put it out there like that but it is such a part of who I am. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely Love my life. I have the most incredible, sexy, caring and loving husband any woman could ever dream of. And honestly I have 2 children that are every mother's dream. I love where I live and where I am in my life right now.

And yet the same fear that was with me when I was 10 years old is the same fear that is with me at 40. The fear that others judge me. The fear that I won't be able to fit in my blue jeans the next time I try them on. The fear that Oprah is going to call me and ask me to be on her show and I am going to look like this.....(yep, that's how my head works). My life revolves around my weight...I should go for a run, I should start a new diet, I should sign up for a gym membership, I should go shopping for "healthy food", a new calendar will help, or maybe a new exercise outfit. It's never ending. And as quickly as the excitement comes the disappointment is surely to follow....The money wasted on the unused gym membership, the stack of diet books staring at me that never got read, the "healthy" foods that I ended up throwing away, the exercise outfit that is now to small (followed by the thought - If I thought I was fat when I bought it what must I be now??..)

One of the positives that comes from getting older is the ability to see patterns. One pattern for me is that the moment I start seeing real progress or someone says something positive about my weight I know that very soon I will revert back to my old habits. I haven't quite figured out why but I know it to be true. I wonder if somewhere deep inside my head there is a comfort in being overweight. If there is a security in knowing what the future holds in this area - like the one thing I can, gain, diet, gain, diet, gain....all the things that go along with my weight I know and understand - I could write a book or teach a seminar....( a LONG seminar). But with everything else it is a world unknown. My kids are growing and will be gone before long. My marriage is wonderful, but what if something were to happen to the man who is my best friend. Our business has always been good but as we are seeing we are never assured of what our economy will do. Houses burn down, people pass away, friends turn their back on you and yet the one thing I know is that today I will battle with the brownies on my counter. I know that I will struggle 20 times inside my head trying to make myself go for a run. I know that one day I will get on the scale and be proud and the next the same task will put me in a pit.

My weight loss battle has been with me as long as I can remember. It has been more consistent than anything else in my life. I know it is there. I know it will never leave me. I know it knows every thought in my head. It understands my tears and it rejoices in our triumphs. So, back to my dream of being thin. I think somewhere inside it scares me. That if I become healthy and fit people will see me as different and expect different things from me....or maybe that will be what I will do to myself...and then that "friend" that has been with me might start to fade away just like the other things in my life and that scares me more than everything that comes with being overweight....hhhmmm....

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