Tuesday, June 29, 2010

stopping short of the goal....

I dream of a day where I can finish what I start....There are so many ideas that jump around inside my head. I grasp at them and try to do everything and yet many times at the end of the day I am left with nothing more than chaos.

I have always wondered why that I insist on coming close to the completion of a project and then stop within site of the finish line. This became visual to me a couple of years ago when I took up running. I had plans of running a half marathon which required ALOT of training. So as the days went by I noticed a pattern. Whenever I gave myself the goal of running to the next light pole for example, I would get just within feet and then begin to walk...hhhmm... This was so representative of the way I conducted my life.Whether it be cleaning the stove, doing the laundry, paying the bills or loosing weight. I consistantly stopped short of success.

Since during running you have plenty of time to think, I tried to understand why I conducted my life in this manner. Well, the answer seemed to be clear (most likely it became clear before mile 8 because after that I pretty much have a brain of jello). I felt that if I didn't complete things than I can consider myself a failure, unworthy or not perfect. As I worked through this I realized this was completely true but that didn't help me understand the reason why. I wondered if it was because of the worry of what others thought of me, but I don't think that is the case. Because I complete the tasks to a point that people around me would think that I have things together and organized. But inside my head I know different. When people would comment on how clean my house was I would berate myself inside my head because I knew the TRUTH. When people would comment on how impressed they were that I was running a half marathon I was giving myself a list of times that I knew were not what I was capable of.

So, they say that the first step is admitting you have a problem. And now I am very aware that going through life like this is not effective. I find that so much of my life is still conducted in this manner. There are times that I have to talk myself through completion. When everything in me wants to stop short I have to push myself to finish (sometimes it is as simple as scrubbing the kitchen sink). But I am a work in progress - but honestly - aren't we all?

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