Sunday, August 22, 2010

readjusting....



What do you do when you have an awesome goal and all the sudden you realize that it is Not going to happen? How do you readjust? One of the fears of putting yourself "out there" is the reality that if you fail you will fail in public. Satan begins to fill your head with all kinds of things like..."why did you even think that you could accomplish that?"..."You are a looser..."...."you are worthless.."..."a fraud.."... "a fake..." and not only that, Everyone knows it!!

So as many of you know a while ago I set up this whole 1-11-11 Achieve Your Dream...Woo Hoo!!! What goal do you want to be able to accomplish by that date? What do you want to be able to claim about your life on that date?" Well, also as many of you are aware, my Goal was to be able to call myself a runner... by my terms not others.. For me that meant accomplishing different races before then and improving times along the way. Well, I have been doing great. Following my Hal Higdon's running sheet that would have me ready to run a half marathon in October. And then my ultimate goal of a half or even a full in January at Disney World.

And then....about a week and a half ago all of that came to a screeching halt. I had been having some pains for awhile but really hadn't thought much about them but finally one day I couldn't ignore them any longer. The pains were in the right side of my abdomen and shooting pains into my right arm. Well after a whirlwind of tests and doctor visits I found myself having my gallbladder out and now facing the reality that my running schedule had now just been destroyed.

I have been running long enough to know that even a week off in great health puts you back a ways. But now for me, the week off of not feeling good, then the week of surgery and now recovery. I am fighting the feeling of defeat. What do I do now? Do I give up completely? Do I come up with a new goal all together? Maybe I should change my goal to organizing my closet - that seems doable...:-(...

But I have to go back to my original goal. When I set that goal for myself what did that actually mean? What feelings did I want to feel on that day. Yes I wanted to be able to say I had atleast 4 new medals. I wanted to be able to claim on that day that I was back to where I had left off in 2007. I WANTED it bad. But now what? So, I have to figure out what would give me that same sense of accomplishment. My mile markers may have to look different now. My progress may be slower and the road might be a little bumpier. My racing goals may have to be postponed until next year. It won't be long until the Wisconsin Winter will hit and the ability to run outside takes more determination than the rest of the year.

There are so many struggles that I am going through in my mind right now...For instance - it's a gallbladder for goodness sakes!! You don't even need it!! Why now? There is nothing heroic or incredible about gallbladder surgery. No offense but if one more person offers to show me the container of gallstones from their surgery I just might scream. And then I can't tell you how many times others have scoffed at my small scars and lifted their shirts to display a foot long scar across their stomach as if it were a war wound and tell of their week long stay in the hospital. I feel like I might as well be complaining about a hangnail. And yet this stupid surgery has thrown everything off...I have had so many people encourage me. They tell me that I everything will be back to normal soon. But they do not see the fight that is occuring inside my head. I know the arguments that I have ahead with my body. The struggle that I will have with it to get moving again. The war with my stomach convincing it that it isn't hungry. The way that Satan will take every moment to undo everything I have accomplished within the last few months. The recovery that I am going through right now really has little to do with these 4 little scars on my belly. It has more to do with the distruction zone left inside my head.

So that is where I am at this moment..readjusting...trying my best to look at my future with optimism and excitement. To find my footing and see where I am suppose to go from here...But I suppose that is the first step isn't it? Wanting to leave Here...even when I don't know where There is..

So today I dream for you the ability to take an honest look at where your Here is...what could There look like...maybe you tried to go There and you got thrown around and beat up and now you find yourself back at square one trying to decide if it is really even worth the work...Here may not be great or glamorous but it is comfortable and predictable....Take a moment and dream of There......have a wonderful day friend....

2 comments:

niha said...

Oh, Linda. Of course you will figure out where 'There' is. And, whether it turns out to be a half-marathon or something else entirely, there are lots of people rooting for you!

Sue said...

Oh Linda I am so sorry to hear that you had to have your gallbladder out but I am also glad that you had it taken care of now instead of it getting worse. I can understand your fustration but don't let Satan win. You might have to readjust your goal but it is still possible. Jan is 4 months away. Try to praise God through this storm there might be a reason for it...to maybe make yourself try even harder and not give up. You know god like to push us he doesn't want us to still for just getting by. Hang in there let me know if I can do anything