Monday, September 6, 2010

unrecognizable....



sometimes it is difficult to be the ones left on the ground....bear with me - it's one of those days...

So I know my life has been a roller coaster so much lately but honestly overall I am as happy as I have ever been. More content with my life... More in love than I could have ever imagined... Surrounded by incredible friends and family... But there is something I just can't move past. I guess I end up here today because this is my place to be real. I never imagined that I would share the things that I have here but it has been life changing for me in so many ways. The more I get out of my head the more I feel I can move forward in those areas. I have learned the value of being real and authentic....And through all of it I have been able to talk to so many others that have similar struggles and joys..I am truly blessed...

There is a relationship with someone I care for that is fractured. I suppose I could say I never saw it coming and I just don't understand how it happened but that is not the truth. I felt it coming for a long time and I tried to brace myself. I tried to convince myself that I was strong enough to handle whatever came my way. I tried the only way I knew how to prepare myself for the end of what I had.

Endings are never fun. Just like with a book. You can make yourself believe that you enjoyed the ending of a really good book but deep down you know that you are sad. You will miss the characters that you have gotten to know. The way the story took you to some place new and different. You invested time and thoughts into that book and now it's hard to set it aside. It's almost like a betrayal to pick up the next right away. You want to take time to process and just sit with the last one awhile. You want to be able to remember the things that made an impression on you so that you can pull them out when you need them.

I sit here and try to think what to even write. What would help me break free and just move forward. I honestly don't know. I don't even have the words to put down and I think that is what frustrates me the most. When I pray I don't know what words to use. I know they are not that I want to be back where I was because that is not true. I'm positive that no one on either side wants that. I am beyond thankful for what those moments were in my life but I have moved too far forward to go back now, we both have. But I am being honest when I say I miss that "book". It was good and sweet and fun...It was everything I needed while it was a part of my life. It brought me encouragement to lift me. It brought me tears that made me stronger. It was so much the foundation for the growth of my marriage, parenting, and my spiritual journey. There is so much I miss about it. My home is surrounded by the memories sometimes they make me smile and sometimes they flood my eyes with tears.....

But now it's over and I just feel lost. In ways it's like there was a chapter missing. It all ended too suddenly. I don't understand that something with that much depth can just stop...It doesn't make sense....but there again I say that but it does make sense....(This is where you will have to understand that a blog is really and truly for the author - the reader doesn't always get to understand everything behind the words)....it does make sense because there was just no another way. There were 2 different lives that just didn't make sense to the other. Not in the way you think. I understand every action and step and decision and respect everyone of them from the depths of my heart. But I don't fit. As I sit here I honestly am weeping in tears because I know the heart... I have seen the heart in it's rawest form and I know it. I often think that that is the reason I don't fit. There is vulnerability to being known. Sometimes it's just best for a fresh start. Where no one knows what your next step will be including yourself. I am a reminder of the past and it's often hard to move into the future when the past is there reminding you...Life changes and then you look back and everything just seems so foreign. unrecognizable.

Okay I say all of that like I get it and I am dealing with it all okay...I guess the biggest hurt is that even though I believe it is for the best I wanted to be told it wasn't. I wanted to hear that I would be missed...I wanted to be told that I was wrong..I wanted to be assured that I wouldn't be the one left here to answer the questions...I wanted for someone to tell me that they understood what I was going through in my life and could understand my concern...but instead....silence...I am left with this emptiness that I just can't decide what to do with.

So there you are....probably one of the oddest and most confusing posts I've done but something I needed to do today. It's like a mourning process. I have to allow myself time to grieve what I lost. And sometimes it hits me at the strangest moments. If I didn't mourn it would mean that it wasn't worth loosing and it WAS WORTH IT........

Now I realize that I have friends and other readers that might see this and begin to question and wonder and they may even feel the need to share their suspensions with others...In church Sunday I believe they called that "gossip"...LOL... I just ask that if you have to go any farther with it that it go no farther than prayer. A prayer for all those involved. There is no need to go to anyone else to talk about who you think I mean or what you think happened. And then I ask that you don't even come to me with questions. There is a hand full of people that I have shared this whole situation with. Because of different reasons there just really is no call for it. But I did this post for a different purpose. First, being to cleanse myself with words, which is the way I handle things. When I write I never know where I will go. So just like today - there was no agenda or plan. I just needed to let my mind me free and this is where it took me. Also, to let others know they are not alone. I think my biggest comment that I have gotten from my readers is that the things that I write about are things that they go through and my words have encouraged them. So although this was difficult and emotional I have just felt the need to share this part of my life as well...I know I mentioned not to come to me about specifics on my story but I am more than happy to talk to you about this kind of hurt in general. If we aren't able to grow from our trials and help those around us then they are truly for nothing.

Today I dream for you the strength to move forward....Is there something that you just can't let go of...something that stays on your mind...I dream for you the ability to gather the strength you need to move toward what He has in store for you and at the same time have peace with the past....Have a sweet day my friends...

2 comments:

Shari said...

My dearest friend. I SO wish I could say that I know what you are going through, but I cannot. From early on I have learned that loving people hurts. I rarely truly love (clarification: I love others but don't accept it in return...that way when it doesn't come, I am not hurt) others. I am, however, married and after 11 years I feel as if I am finally letting my whole self be loved. This has opened me up to all kinds of amazing things recently! NOW, this being said, I am amazed at how much and how strongly you love. I envy you and at the same time am in awe of you. I see you truly living and experiencing life, when I actually avoid painful thoughts and situations and you dive in head first in order to relish every moment...good or otherwise (wow that was a run on sentence if I ever saw one!). So what I am trying to say is you are showing me how to love...REALLY love. I thank you for that. I hope I never have to experience this type of loss, but if it were with a friend like you, it would be worth it because that means I got to love you and be loved by you first! I love you babe!

Linda Jo said...

I am not even sure how to respond to that...the word speechless doesn't usually enter my vocabulary but after that I just had to give myself a moment to gather myself. I understand what you mean by not allowing yourself to accept love and I feel like I am at that point right now. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing women right now. Women that I know that could be amazing "friends" and I feel as if I am only allowing myself to dip my toe in..LOL..It's hard when you are vulnerable and then you are hurt. It's hard to convince yourself to get to that point again. Your friendship has breathed new life into me. You have shared moments with me that I will never forget. I cannot express what your gentleness and joy has meant to my soul. I love you so much and I am so blessed to be on this journey alongside you my dear friend....