Tuesday, November 2, 2010

the other side of me......

Getting way to close to EMPTY
It always amazes me how quickly I can go from seeing the world through Rose Colored Glasses to wanting to pull the blanket up over my head....Sometimes there doesn't even have to be a reason. I just get that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and I stand in the middle of my house and think of the dozens of things that need to be done or the dozens more that I feel I am doing all wrong....And what is really worse is when it isn't even my time of the month...lol..... I mean sometimes I can talk myself through when I know that might be the case but it's really hard when I know that's not it.

I try to tell myself I have had alot going on lately...but it seems like I Always have Alot going on. Every week I think that next week will be better. But by Monday every day is filled....... okay, just a minute...but if I'm being honest here, not every moment is filled. Just like today...... I worked the 6 am shift at the Polling Station today so that I would have the rest of the day. I get home and I am exhausted....I have bookwork that I don't EVEN want to talk about. Wood that needs brought in from outside. The Locker called and seems a tad bit irritated that my beef is still there since the fair - (still in the process of defrosting freezers). Becca is bringing a friend home from Milwaukee and she and Dustin are supposedly having a HUGE party this weekend when she comes home. There is a Bible Study I would like to start on Wed morning but the thought of one more thing makes me want to cry....(but I REALLY want to go to the Christmas Party!). I just backed out on my Thursday night Bible Study for the same reason. The school musical is on the 12th, 13th and 14th so now D is into rehersals until 10pm. most every night so then so much for getting to bed early. Friday night is our Jamaican Mission Waffle Supper. Saturday I am working at the Presbyterian Church for the UMPTEENTH year making noodles for their Bazaar and Tea after just spending a Saturday making Lefse....It's my mother n laws church and she is probably the youngest there by 20 years....Going to be a LONG morning and then we are back the next Saturday to do it again.....We greet on Sunday morning and then I will come home, curl up in the fetal position on my bed and probably cry myself to sleep so happy for Rest....(ohhhh that won't happen because Becca and her company will be here and I know I will want to make a nice lunch for them before they leave....)......aahhhhhh

So like I said, right now, instead of writing my blog I should be doing the things that NEED to get done but it is one of those days where I just don't have it in me. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW ....Debbie would tell me to Eat That Frog....LOL....If I would just do some of those bigger things than I would feel much more at peace....Those things that seem like a Huge Cloud looming over me....those things that I seem to wear like a yoke.

I am great at giving people the pep talk about how and why to do things to improve their lives...I Love to be the motivator and watch peoples outlook on life change. I don't think there is a day that goes by that someone doesn't email me or contact me somehow that I get to encourage  or just be an shoulder for them to lean on..... and I LOVE that!.......So I know all of that stuff but times like today when I'm hearing it pointed at me I just want to tell that voice in my head to SHUT UP!! I am sick of hearing the positive stuff....of what I am suppose to do....of telling myself that if I make a stinkin' list then Everything will be great.....And the Most Disturbing but the one that screams the Loudest.....IF YOU WEREN'T SO FAT then you would be happy............Wow....................(you will have to give me a minute to get myself back together after that one.......)..........whew.....

It's all in there.......it goes through my head......If you have read my blog for any length of time now you can see that there is a WHOLE lot in this head of mine. Sometimes I feel like I am going 100 miles an hour while  sitting still. My mind is constantly racing.......many times overwhelming me to the point of exhaustion. Every waking moment of every day my mind is going in 20 different directions and sometimes I just want....QUIET.....I want to not have memories....or plans....or lists.....or regrets.....I just want it to all go away........

Sooooooooooo......you probably didn't expect this today did you? Or for those of you that know me you were probably wondering when it was finally going to come.....Some of you may wonder if my other posts are just fluff....are they really me or do I spend most of my days in a heap only coming out to write a story that will make me Look good.....To some people I think that is seems like this is just the kind of drama they were hoping to find....It's sad but for some people they are beyond thrilled to see this post....It's like an ...AH HA.... Gotcha....Well if that is what you needed than I hope I made your day.....

But for all the rest of you that I call friends I just felt I needed to be real with you....for you to know that when you call and break down because it feels like the world is falling in around you I understand....When I speak to you it is because I feel your pain and I want better for you.....I want better for us!!!!.... Although I would like to say that I hate being in this place... isn't it funny how sometimes we just want to wallow for awhile.....We just want to give ourselves time to stomp are foot and cry out that the world isn't fair.

And I just have to add that I realize in the scope of things that what I struggle with at times seem so small in the scope of life.....I watch my brother Neil and his wife Allison and how they are Incredible parents to my nephew Noel....He has been confined to a wheel chair for so many years and live daily in the reality of what it means for your son to have Muscular Dystrophy but have taught him to LIVE and I couldn't be more proud of them....(you can read his story and visit his site at http://www.drawnup.net/ ).....those are the reasons I live most of my days thankful and try to live in the moment because I don't know what the next may bring.....

But the fact of the matter is today is a wallowing day for me....but actually yesterday was too....I am quite sure that loosing Grandma has brought out a whole lot of feelings that I am really not excited to feel. I am thankful for what I do have but REALLY ticked at what I don't.....(And once again for those who know me you know exactly what I mean and I Love you for that.....)

Okay Okay Okay.....just like when I'm writing the positive stuff I could go on and on with this side as well.....But, it's not making any of our days much brighter......But I felt that if I am going to be real on my blog then you have to see this side as well because just ask my family it is here as well.....

So after all of this..... do I leave you with an I dream for you????.........hhhmmm.....Well, okay let's see......I dream for you today the chance to be Real....I mean Vulnerable....with someone....Okay you don't have to go as Insane as me and put it out there for the world to read but to be real to someone........even if it's only to yourself and God......maybe just writing out how you honestly feel might help when it seems like there are truly no answers......I don't know....maybe it doesn't work for everyone....For me it's freeing....I know my week is still going to be crazy and I can't say that I still won't cry because of where I'm at right now but for me there has always been power in words....just letting these go have helped greatly.....I have talked to so many of you  that read my blog and you have given me such encouragement. I know the love that you have for me....so as I share this with you I know that you have listened with a caring heart.....

I thank you all my friends for being a listening ear....

Blessings to you....

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Linda, there is a reason people look to you for encouragement: you genuinely want to see others succeed. That is a rare gift -- there's no jealously or competition or hidden agenda with you -- you want happiness and joy for others! You hurt when they hurt, and you're ready to walk with them back to the road when they fall off.

Being strong like that is one reason you are here on earth. God needs you to help Him comfort others.

But hey, while I hear all sorts of great encouragement to OTHERS from you, you know what I hear 'from you, to you'? "It's gonna be a long day." "so much to do and I don't have the energy." "I'm overweight and can't lose it."

Honey, you wouldn't dream of talking to others like that. I think LINDA needs to believe in herself as much as she believes in the rest of us!!! And before you say, Well Lee, like I said in my blog, I don't want to hear any positive talk.... let ME say, really?? Again, you wouldn't talk to anyone like you are talking to the most precious, wonderful, gift-from-heaven you...

Can you try replacing some of those awful voices (and darn it, they ARE loud and intrusive, aren't they!!!) with something else? How about: "Yes, there's a lot going on today. I wouldn't want it any other way." Or "Yes, I'd like to be healthier. I've got a plan and I'm getting better about sticking with it." Even, "You know what? I'm going to take today, or the rest of this week, to regroup."

I speak to you as someone who rolls around in the depths of depression pretty regularly -- what I'm telling you is what I tell myself. The down days feel like the end of us... but they are as much a part as the good stuff is. Be Gentle To Yourself.

Anonymous said...

I often feel like I have a million things to do and never accomplish any of them. I keep lists and the lists only seem to get longer, instead of shorter. But somehow I always think that I should do more... Thanks for being real Linda, you certainly aren't alone in the way that you feel.
-Amanda F.

Linda Jo said...

oh Lee....I wanted to respond last night when I read your post but everytime I read it tears were streaming down my face. So this morning I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your words.....I am harder on myself than I would ever be on those around me. And I do realize that I should be more understanding and compassionate but I just get so tired of fighting the same battles year after year....

Your words did come at a beautiful time though and I slept peacefully so I thank you so very much....for Everything....for this and for the touching card.....I LOVE how God works in our lives and how he places people there at just the time we need them...

Have a wonderful day friend....

Linda Jo said...

Amanda....thank you for your comment...I know that so many of us are in the same boat. Just going day to day somedays up and other days down...

I do hope that my encouraging posts help you a little during those days that you need it and posts like this make others understand that they are not alone...


Have a beautiful day!!!!

Sue said...

I agree with the first comment. We have to be positive and think positive otherwise life is awful. I have a lot going on and I an going into with a good attitude and I love what I am doing ALL of it from new job to internship to my ministries I can't wait. Boy if I went into it thinking aw man I am going to be putting in over 60 hours a week and never home! I would not survive. I know it is hard but it is possible. You know I mean this in a good way I am not trying to be bossy or act like I know all of it but I know you take feedback. Keep on trucking on!! Don't look at it all as overwhelming start with what REALLY needs to be done and work down. I love you Linda and you have sooo much to offer!!

Anonymous said...

Linda,
It's not what is on the outside that makes us who we are. If we live each day the best we can that is all that matters. You are a wonderful person, I love the way you share you innermost feelings. I always count my blessings when I feel overwhelmed.
Janet

Linda Jo said...

Hey Sue, I know that you Love me and I am so thankful that God has brought our lives together. I am so happy to see what he has brought you through to hear the comments that you made about where you are right now....I'm BEYOND happy!!!

I guess yesterdays post came at a moment that I really felt overwhelmed. During the weekend with letting Grandma go I guess I felt that I had to be strong for those around me and for me to get through....and yesterday everything just came to head.

I know I don't have to put myself out there like I did....It doesn't happen alot....well, atleast not lately.....Most of the time I do see the positive. I am so thankful for everything I have. But I think I need that time to sit and my pit and just be sad....Sitting in my pit allows me time to feel....and to work through....

I felt I owed it to my blog to show where I was yesterday...because if I am going to be me....than that is part of Me...If I want this for Becca to read I want her to see me go through the hard times....and see me lean on others to help me get through....but to know that it is normal....

Okay I felt like I just wrote a whole new blog.....

But I do thank you and I LOVE that you give me honest feedback and I don't EVER want you to stop!! And that you are willing to give me a kick in the butt.....that makes me know that you truly care....

Love you and have a Blessed day Friend....