My Meltdown........

I dream of making it through meltdowns....

Well for everybody who was waiting for me to finally crack, it happened. Last night I was an emotional wreck. But the crazy thing was, I couldn't pinpoint any one thing. At supper my poor husband had to listen to me sob because he asked me to pick green beans for supper and I just didn't have the strength to do it. When he walked in and made the statement "why do we have a garden if we aren't going to use the stuff?" I went into a heap. He gave me that sort of husband's deer in the headlight look. I sobbed that after a day of running Dustin to town and then back in to take his forgotten cleats to him. And the hours of bookwork that should have taken about 1hour. (which that lead to a whole breakdown in bed later about my ADD...I am still really in turmoil about what to do about that..) Then days now of trying to figure out my printer problems with still no luck and bills that NEED to be printed. Scattered with intermittent phone calls from him to go downstairs and get him this information and upstairs to get a phone number....AAAhhhh...So when he asked for green beans a whole lot went through my head. That means I have to go look at the garden that is an overgrown mess. Then there are the tomatoes that are still growing like crazy and really should be canned. Then there are the tomotillos that I never even picked even one along with the zucchini, summer squash and peppers. I just knew my limit and refused to even step foot out there...

All of this was followed by the real mess. I called my son at about 8 o'clock to see if he was ready to come home after his day of band practice, soccer practice and the JV football game. My tone may have been a little bit strong because sometimes I don't know why he has a phone if he isn't going to call me with it. Well, let's just say there was a whole lot of miscommunication about who was suppose to call who and no one was backing down. Finally Rob went and got him and as they walked in I could tell that the conversation had not been resolved. D was coming downstairs, picked up a case he had made for his airsofting stuff and as he firmly put it down in his room it busted into pieces...Not Good! Dustin began to loose it and Rob tried to get him to tell us what was really going on and I did my best to try and help. We tried to get him to talk because he was crying uncontrollably and then I brokedown sobbing while sitting in the middle of the floor. Slowly D stops crying and asked why I'm crying...first I am able to get out the words...I never knew parenting was going to be as hard as it is...and then..."I need Becca!!" Becca is the one that calms us all down. And then when Dustin won't talk to me I know eventually he will talk to her. But now she's not here and she is busy with her own life. What do I do with my poor son that is hurting and won't talk to me?? After a bit we did get out of him the fact that it basically comes down to the reality that in his words "kids are idiots!" People are saying stuff about him that isn't true and it is tearing him up. He wants the reputation Becca had as she left school as a graduating Senior. He doesn't remember the years preceding it that were filled with MANY cries of "kids are idiots!!" He claimed, "Everybody loved Becca!! She was voted Snowball Queen because she was so Popular!" That really isn't the whole truth. That happened basically because by that point in their Senior year everyone was able to see the fakes and backstabbers. So when they looked at the ballot they saw a name of someone they didn't hate. Someone who had always been kind and consistant in her values. Someone that treated them as a friend even when they didn't respond as kindly. And she did all of this with a smile on her face - that was Becca. Dustin claimed that Becca had tons of friends..that is so not true. Becca sat crying many many weekend nights while sitting in the house with Rob and I because nobody called her to go out. She graduated with a small handful of people she could call true friends. And yet she had close to 300 people at her graduation party. Because after all those years she was consistent in who she was and people are in awe of her genuine kindness. They understand that the friendship and love she offers is real.

But sadly, there is a price to pay for making good decisions. You are not always "the popular one". You are an easy target for those that have their life in a mess. People are quick to slander you with names like Drama Queen out of jealousy because they don't understand that someone could really be happy with the life that God has given them. Becca fought through that for years, Rob has fought through that, I still fight through that at age 40 and now Dustin has to fight through it as well.

By the end we just told Dustin that we loved him. And sadly this will be a fight he will have to fight for the rest of his life. Thankfully as he gets older they are fewer and farther between but there will always be people that won't like to see him happy. People that are unhappy with themselves and their lives so their only recourse is to try to make yours miserable. But through it all you have to be true to who you are. Be consistent with your values. Be Honest in everything you do. And above all keep a tight relationship with God. It is only through all of this that you can step back and look at the situation and see the truth of how Satan uses others to try and destroy you. Because in a nutshell that is what this life is all about..Good verses Evil. There is a spiritual battle around us and I choose to be on the Good side - so Evil will always try to tear me apart. But it is up to me to realize that while it is happening and surround myself with an army of people that love me and will fight my battle with me.

So there now - all of you who were waiting can now breath easy knowing that Linda finally broke...LOL!! I knew it was coming just as well as you did. After about 8 months of being on a high and going 100 miles an hour - I knew it would be like hitting a brick wall. I knew that it was coming but I didn't know in what form. And just so you know I'm not so crazy to think that it's not going to happen again in again. But we will get through it - we will adjust to our new reality.

My dream for you today is for you to live in the peace that only God can give. To know that when you have those meltdowns He has not left. He is that solid foundation that even though the world around you may be changing like the tides, He is forever SOLID!!! Have a beautiful day my wonderful army - you are greatly loved and appreciated....