There can be No shadow without the LIGHT

John 8:12 Jesus says “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Many of you know that I have suffered from depression for about 10 years now. I have 2 different kind of days when it comes to D DAYS. I have my Shadow days and I have Dark Days. Shadow days are difficult days but they are manageable with medication. Those are days I may be down but I have people around me that encourage me or I listen to Christian music or do my Bible study. Dark days are very different. Dark Days are days are exactly that. Dark. I sit alone. Those are the days I just can't move or make sense out of life. Functioning is almost impossible.

The reasoning behind the naming of my days is with God being my light, on my Shadow days I can atleast feel God's presence in my life. I may feel lost but somewhere inside of me I know that He hasn't moved and I know that there is Hope. I just haven't figured it out. On my Dark days it is exactly that. Dark. Any voice I hear is my own in my head and it is always reminding me that I'm lost.

Now the question would be why don't I insist on making sure that I implement something into my life everyday to ensure that I don't have those dark days. Easier said than done. I'll save that for another post. And I also want to add that I don't have D Days all the time. Thankfully!! Many times life can be going smooth and I can be doing great. It's hard to know when they will come or how long they will stay....

Anyhooooo......... what started this thinking...........

Yesterday I heard something that stuck with me throughout the day and the ruminating has continued this morning so I thought I would share it here.

There can be No shadow without the LIGHT.

It's a simple little fact and yet I can't even begin to imagine all the information a Google search would bring up on the subject. And so as to not confuse my mind any farther I thought it best to keep them contained and not do that Google search.,,,,,,,, (Squirrel.....................)

The photo above was a shot that I took a year or so ago in my kitchen. I remember trying to set things just the right way so that the sun would come in through the window to get the shadow in the correct form that I desired and make a heart. It would have never crossed my mind to do this photo in the evening... well unless I had lighting equipment.

There can be No shadow without the LIGHT....

Now.....I LOVE Light... Absolutely Love it!!!!! When I'm home alone I am one of those people who leaves lights on (don't tell Rob).  I LOVE laying out in the bright bright sunshine where I can hardly keep my eyes open because the sun is so bright and feeling the heat on my skin. There are few things in life that make me happier than sunshine.... sigh... (As I sit here and write we are at the beginning of a cold Wisconsin Winter with a temperature of 2 degrees out so those days happening around here are far off so it's time to get my light box out....)

 Since Jesus IS The LIGHT then anyone who walks close to him will benefit from that light. The further we move from His presence the more difficult it is to benefit from that light. I personally have struggled with this in my own life in the last several years and can say that if I could get this one truth nailed down I would have so much more peace.... I'm trying... I'm trying... I'm trying.....

 Hebrews 13:8 says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So Jesus never leaves us. He never moves away from us. When we cry out to God and wonder why he is silent I have to wonder how many times that silence is because we have traveled so far from the light that we wouldn't even know what to look for if we saw it. Why do we get angry with Him? Why do we feel that He has deserted us? When we are the ones slowly inching away, doing our own thing in the world thinking that it is no big deal. Once we give our lives to God he doesn't put a fence around us and tell us we aren't allowed to wander. We have freedom. So when we decide that what the world tempts us with seems "not so bad"..."not so harmful"..."what's the big deal"...."God won't really mind"...."I'll come back later"..."I'm just trying new things"... "I'm trying to find myself"...."once I have kids I'll change"..."doesn't he love me for who I am?".... We begin to make so many excuses that everything seems to be okay. And suddenly we begin to serve a wimpy God who says.... "I changed my mind... anybody can come to heaven"....... well.... I think that's probably the bible that we make up in our head when get so far from the light that we can't read the scripture and we are all huddled together saying... "yeah, that sounds good!!"...

Today I dream for you LIGHT.... Think about it in ways that you have not before. .... I ask that you remember that Jesus is the Light.........and that you would be so close to the light that the shadows would be more strong and brilliant more so than you have ever experienced

The feeling of a camera in my hand

 

The decision to open up my blog and start to look at again has made me sentimental for my camera. I can't even tell you the last time I held my camera in my hand.  I'm not sure if setting my camera down was intentional or not. I know that after returning from Bolivia I really wasn't using it much and then Becca was asking to use it more and more for a second camera for wedding shoots and so I just had her keep it unless I needed it. Life takes on so many changes. Years ago my camera was attached to me as my arm was. I saw the world through the lens of a camera. 

As nervous as I am to begin to blog again I am equally as nervous to photograph. Last night a sweet friend and I had a good talk about being a photographer. Yes we can say that we do it for ourselves and that is true because it is a love but to put your work on display is very difficult because it is a reflection of your heart. Whether it be my writing or my photography I know it is for myself... It has to be for myself... And the older I get the closer I'm getting to truly being in that spot... But we have to be real and admit that we are human....

Okay... I really need to go accomplish something today...

Today I dream for you the chance to pick up something that you have long ago put down. Something that you thought you wouldn't get the chance to go back to.... Why not??? Have a beautiful day!

 

The Joy of the Lord.....

Heart, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

Last night I was watching the Biggest Loser with my sweet husband. I have watched the transformations these individuals have made and it always moves me to tears. For so many reasons....I am so happy for them and for their families....I understand what that change is going to mean for them....I know their futures are forever changed....well, at least for the ones that truly "get it". The ones that have worked through their issues and know why they turn to food for comfort...why they would rather sit in front of a TV watching others loose weight than do it themselves.



I've been there. I've had the motivation and the time and the determination to get the weight off. To get healthy. But what I don't think I have ever dealt with is Why??...I keep repeating the same patterns throughout my whole life. And I keep ending up right back at the same spot or even worse. And so I gain weight and that makes me depressed and then I am depressed so I gain weight....



During a week moment last night I asked Rob if he would be my personal trainer. So when Rob takes something on he does it with everything he has. So this morning starting at 6 am he starts asking me if I am ready to get up and exercise....uuummm...NO!...It's dark and I'm sleeping!! So for the next half hour he worked on irritating me enough that I finally got up so he would quit bothering me. He informed me that we were going outside for a run...Are you CRAZY? It's 10 degrees outside...So he says.."then you will have to put on alot of layers..."



I knew Rob was taking this serious when we were ready to start he asked if he could pray...That was so Sweet!! As he was praying he said..."I thank you that Linda has the desire to be out here..." And I couldn't quit laughing....Ummm. I had the desire to go to a heated gym....You were the one who drug me out in the Frozen Tundra....



I will admit I was GRUMPY....He kept wanting to run and when I would "run" he was still walking...which makes me remember what a slow runner I am.....The farther we went I was torn...I was enjoying being outside but I kept getting madder and madder. He didn't realize that part of Bob and Jillian's role is counselor. So as much as I needed to exercise I needed to get stuff out...Why can't I get a handle on this???...Why do other people not struggle with this??...Why am I even trying???



At one point I had a visual....My heart was tired....Not physically (but it could be that too!) But my heart is just tired of everything........selfish people............people that I feel disappoint me........circumstances that I am tired of dealing with........tired of disappointing myself......I'm just tired!!



Last night I actually got out my book, Fearless Living. I have so many things highlighted and circled - I just started reading.....A few of them stood out....



But there is never a guarantee. While we wait for circumstances or people to change that are outside of our control, we can end up feeling sorry for ourselves, resentful and helpless...



Expectations will always build evidence for you and against others...



She had to accept where she was before she could move forward....


I could go on and on.....So many powerful things....that is what I want...To Live Fearless!!!!



I don't want others choices to affect me in such a way that I can't function.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, resentful or helpless....

I don't want to put expectations on others so much so that it drags me down when they don't meet them..

I want to stop giving others control of my Joy and Peace!!

I want to accept where I am...to own it....so that I can move forward with my life!!!.....



So...does this all mean that in the morning I am going to jump up out of bed with a smile on my face and be ready to take on the day.....Ummm....I don't know if I would go that far. But I do know that I want to take my power back. I know to many people that are Negative....I don't ever want to be that....I often tell myself that I remember when I was a Happy Person.....I still have every reason to be happy. If others around me choose to live in constant negativity than I can't let that alter my life....




10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”



That is how I want to live my life....Enjoying food and not letting it dominate me......Helping those that are in need......and not grieving because I KNOW that my Joy comes from the LORD and I find my strength in HIM!!!!....

Can I get an Amen??......

Today I dream for you.....Joy.....the Joy that comes from HIM....not that Joy that the world offers that comes and goes...but the Joy that comes deep within your soul......



Have a JOYFUL day friend.....

frustrated with my failures

Taking a picture of my Coaching books atleast made me get them off
the shelf....Now maybe I will open them up....:-)

As you might have noticed I have been gone for awhile. I tried to decide if I discuss the reasons why or if I just go on to new topics such as Christmas Trees and Snow Days....but....I decided I needed the therapy session. A chance to talk it through in my head and maybe sort some things out.

Well the number one reason that I haven't blogged is mainly....because it was going good...Yep, that is the usual reason I stop doing something I love. I knew it was coming when I received the email that my blog is going to be featured with a story I wrote for my favorite website...InCourage on the 17th of this month....

This is so much of a pattern for me that it is completely insane. If I listed all the things throughout my life that I began and didn't finish it might be the size of a set of Encyclopedias. But it's most frustrating when I LOVE what I am doing and there is no reason for me to stop....but I do.... and once again....I feel like I have failed....

My hardest "failure" within this last year was my Life Coaching class. I LOVED it!!! I mean ALOT!! I loved everything about it. I loved the books. The teachers. The people that I was meeting. The classes were taught by teleconferencing a few days a week and so it was Perfect! ....And the things that I was learning were not only helping me move toward my dream of being a Life Coach but they were helping me through obstacles in my own life as well.... Wonderful!!....

The incident that stands out in my memory of when it came to a halt was when we had to start finding people that would be willing to have us coach them. I contacted one of my friends that actually started me blogging. I asked her if there was an area that she would want to work on....Organization, Scheduling, Tasks that she wanted to get done. She was very excited and willing. I emailed her a worksheet filled with questions that let me know her style and where she hoped to make progress....It was Great. She was excited. I was excited. And so.....of course....I Stopped....I remember getting her email back and looking over it and beginning to form a plan. I don't really remember the thought process that happened next.... All I do know is that time went by and I didn't respond to her and I hadn't done any of my classes and since that day I haven't opened one of my books.

Every once in awhile I try to be strong and I will stare at my books on my shelf and I really want to open them...if for no other reason than for myself. But I haven't gotten that strong yet. There is the failure on many levels....Of course there is the money that I "wasted"...that is my biggest guilt. Then the reality that I have yet another dream to throw in my bucket of UnAccomplishments.....sigh....

The other day something happened that made me realize that I need to really work through this and get a handle on it. The last few months I had been working on getting in shape and loosing some weight. I was doing okay and was down about 25 pounds and feeling good. No one had really said much but I was feeling great. Some things happened in my life and I relapsed. I was eating terrible and I had quit exercising. A couple of weeks went by and during 1 particular week I had 5 different people ask if I had lost weight or say that I was looking good. I would say...No - in fact I have gained weight back...trying to convince them of how bad I had been. When I would get home I would eat uncontrollably things that I hadn't eaten for months.

The worst was the day I was getting dressed and I put on a pair of blue jeans that had gotten pretty loose on me...I pulled them up and struggled to button them....I actually uttered the words...."there....see....I told you...."....I stopped myself and just stood in my closet and cried. I would love to say I got a grip and things are back on track but they have only gotten worse.....So now throw on the anger at what I have done to myself, the disappointment and the frustration.....Do I see why it happened - of course....I had a goal - fit into a certain pair of jeans by Christmas....Feel good by our trip to Jamaica....Be a runner by 1-11-11.....What happened??? I was getting close..........

.....sigh....what now?....Well I figure today was a step...blogging again....getting back up on that horse. And this morning I told Rob that I plan to exercise today He kept saying that he was so proud of me..... and I want him to be...and I want to be proud of me too!!....

Now I do realize that it's only 7 am and many times I think I can conquer the world while I'm in my PJ's and lying in my bed. But the real test will be when I put my feet on the floor. But hey, I figure that at least I am wanting it all again and that is a step...some days you take what you can get....

I know for a fact that Satan knows our weaknesses. And many days I think that he must have mine on a neon flashing light over his desk so that he is sure to never forget. He knows how to bring me down to a level where I am not productive and filled with despair.....and so today I claim....SATAN - YOU WILL NOT STEAL MY JOY!!!

Today I dream for you....fulfillment...completion...achievements....I dream that you can focus on something that you want and that you can see it  through until the end. That you can find the discipline and determination to follow through, so that on the other end you can look back and be proud and strong.....

Have a beautiful day my friend...<3

my love for writing.....

I have always enjoyed writing for as long as I remember. If passions are indeed generational then there is no doubt that I followed in my mother's footsteps. I have so many memories of Momma writing poetry and songs. If you knew what my life was like growing up it wouldn't surprise you at all to know that my first memory of writing a story was that it was actually written by Momma. I think I may still have it in a box of memorabilia. I remember coming home with my assignment and showing it to her. Then when I came home from school the next day Momma had a story wrote for me....It was about a girl and her friend and how they wanted to be ballerinas. The reason I say it was typical of my life is because Momma was not the typical mother that made sure you followed through with homework or even really knew what we had going on in school. And there were many memories of waking up in the morning to Momma asking me if I wanted to stay home from school. School was not a big priority in our home so if Momma wanted to do some of my homework than more power to her....

The embarrassing thing is that my next writing memory also involves a story that wasn't my own. I was a Sophomore in high school. I don't remember the assignment but I remember my story clearly. I remember drawing a blank and one night while listening to the radio I heard a song that I had never heard before and thought the subject was incredible. So if I remember correctly I basically plagiarized the whole thing and turned in my paper. Well to my fortunate surprise our teacher that year must have lived in a cave without a radio because I not only received an A but she commented on how much she loved the subject. So for the last 25 years I have been unable to hear the song "The Cat's In the Cradle" by Harry Chapin without getting nauseous....ummmm yeah Linda let's pick a song that is going to be an national icon....geez.... I often wonder what her thoughts were the first time she heard the song after grading my paper. Let's just say I was never so happy to see a teacher leave our school after one year than her. 

Since high school I have many memories of writing. I remember writing a series of children's books when my kids were little which had characters that were machinery. They moved about and did different things and the stories had a moral to teach kids......Well, my first problem was finding anyone who could draw a bulldozer holding a baseball bat...no one could seem to envision what was going on inside my head and I felt that kind of ....pat her on her head and tell her good job....kind of feeling. So I put them away and gave up on that silly dream...Within a few years I remember my jaw dropping the first time I saw Bob the Builder...."IT'S MACHINERY WITH EYES!!".... Followed by Thomas the Train and a steady flow of similar material. Sure, I could have had the mindset that this was a prime opportunity to jump in but the reality was that I didn't know the first step in getting a story published. So my dream set on a shelf.

After that my writing basically consisted of family Christmas letters until I decided to return to school life in 2004. My first 2 classes were Speech and English....- talking and writing.....I was in Heaven !! My classes reignited a passion for writing that I had forgotten was there. I remember how insanely difficult my History classes were but knowing there was little else that I wanted to do at that time than sit and listen to Dr. Zorea discuss the Cold War....It was like a rebirthing of my mind.

I received my Associates degree a few years ago and I cannot even begin to count the times I have questioned what is next....I have one child in college and my 2nd will be there before I know it. I have so many dreams that jump around in my mind....Life Coach, Motivational Speaker, Professional Organizer or maybe just run away to a far away land with my husband.....aahhhh....But honestly with everything I see in my future it somehow includes writing. I want to write a Parenting book, A book on Worship, A book on Organization.......there are so many things that go through my mind but I just don't know where to start.....

This morning I went into my office that is lined with countless books that I have collected through the years. There was a book that I remember purchasing during that first English Class.....It is called The Writer's Idea Book.....As I thumbed through it I got that excitement in the pit of my stomach again. The book is designed with different "prompts" to help you stretch your writing mind....I felt like a little kid getting giddy with the possibilities......

In a few days it will be December....I have no idea where this year has gone...So I know that before I know it I will be sitting at my computer writing my 2011 Christmas letter. What will it say???.....What will this next year be filled with....It doesn't even seem possible that I will be writing that my children will be 20 and 17.....The 19 and 16 are difficult enough for me to process this year....But what will I be able to say about my life...what challenges will I overcome.....what adventures will have I have lived .....Where will my love for writing weave itself into my hopes and dreams.......sigh....

Today I dream for you a memory.....stop and remember a love that you have had since you were a child...was it cooking.....dancing.....singing.....painting....taking care of animals....teaching.....the ideas could be endless......What of those passions can you see resurfacing throughout your life.....What is God calling you to do with that passion.....And the most important question...what is keeping you from living it......

Have a passion filled day my friend.......

Repairing and Forgiving

My memory is a crazy crazy thing.....You would think that with such an amazing memory I would remember to do things like pay bills on time or to give my dog his medicine....but Alas.........No.....(in all honesty I remember those things, it is just the lazy part of me that walks by and says....hhmmm...I"ll do it later....But that is a whole other blog so we will leave it at that.....)

I spend insane amounts of time recalling things like the layout of my high school, junior high or even elementary....which teacher was in which classroom and sleeping under the teachers coat closet was the best place for naps when we were in kindergarten. Or things like remembering what I wore to the Rick Springfield concert....I can remember that my favorite thing to eat at Paco Taco in the mall when I was a kid was a Chalupa and that the Potato Factory was across from it but was only there for a few months....I remember songs I sang in Vacation Bible School at Ropes and the layout of a girl's house I had a sleepover with in Fort Worth the summer I stayed with Debbie in 4th Grade......

Why do I remember this stuff? Why do I care to remember this stuff at all????? I honestly have no idea.

Most of the time it is fine....exhausting but fine. But what I was thinking about this morning is what I can't remember. I had a normal upbringing I guess you could say....LOL....(a whole lot of stuff just went through my mind as I wrote that and thought...normal huh????....) But in the scope of things it was pretty typical.

I can almost picture the moment when as kids we stepped past the threshold of the days of everyone being everybody's friends to "groups". I remember looking at the girls that had spent the night with me celebrating my 9th birthday at the roller rink screaming out the windows of Diane's yellow Vega...."HEY AMERICA....PEACE TO THE COUNTRY!!" and laying in my bed when Diane and Neil came to my bedroom window and scared us to death while laughing hysterically. But within 6 months there was a line....I knew it and they knew it.....

As much as I can remember I can't remember who my friends were for the next several years. Now don't think that I'm saying that I don't remember their names because I can pretty much tell you everyone that was in my 6th grade class and where they sat in Coach Timmon's room. But I don't know if I had a "group". I don't remember sleepovers or birthday parties....I wonder about that young girl and how sad she must have been during that time.

When I was in Junior High I made cheerleader.....LOL...(that is another one that I will blog about later because that is a whole story in and of itself...) But you would think that being cheerleader would have moved me into a new "group". Nope, it just made the differences stand out even more. There were people that made sure even harder that I knew my place and my place was not with them.

High School got better....I found Suzy and Gina....LOL...funny - I say that like it was such a big school. It wasn't that I couldn't see them within our class of 26 students. But finally in High School we became a "group". I have memories of the first time watching Prince's VHS Purple Rain at Suzy's house. I have memories of waking up on Saturday mornings in Gina's room to her dad playing county music on his guitar. The memories of our 4 years could fill a book for me.

But so writing all of this the crazy thing I have been thinking is that I can't remember the bad stuff. I mean....I can....but I have to think really really hard. The other stuff flutters through my head endlessly but the really rotten cruel things that I know happened to me don't come so easy. There are times that I start to wonder if this is what they mean by stuffing things down deep inside. That one day I am going to "Snap" and it is all going to surface......that freaks me out just a tad bit....

Since those school days I have had my share of rude and malicious people that have come through my life. I have had hurtful things done and said to me....But honestly those memories come back to me very rarely. It's times like this as I bring it to my mind that my heart hurts for the girl/woman who was on the receiving end of many incidents that could have caused irrevocable damage.

So what brings this whole topic about...........well......Yesterday was quite a day.....maybe someday I'll blog about it more in depth but right now I just want to hold it and not speak to many words into it.....but long story short a relationship that was very important to me had been somewhat fractured....okay that is putting it mildly...maybe a full body cast...It was a slow process but finally in a matter of moments it was over.... I couldn't imagine how God could repair it....And yet Yesterday through a series of incredible and only God circumstances I sat last night holding the hand of one of the most precious people in my life.....crying and laughing and being honest about where we both had been in our lives....

Being friends for as long as we had been there was hurt along the way...I'm sure there was...But I don't remember it unless I try really hard. If I'm in a bad mood or in a pity party I can dig around and bring stuff to the top. But day to day that hasn't been what I think about. I think about Kwik Trip Chunkalunkas and how I miss her handwriting. So yesterday morning when God put things into motion I couldn't even remember how we had gotten to where we were and honestly I didn't care.....

Yesterday I wrote on my Facebook Page..."Have you ever known me to hold a grudge?....I think it's my ADD"....I really have a hard time staying angry at people......

***(Now even though I say that - there are people throughout my life that have said mean things about me and have done things that make me realize that it is not healthy to be in their presence....I may not hold a grudge but I am not a "wet noodle"....LOL.... )***

But I do think there are several reasons I am who I am...I would Love to be able to say.....I am able to Forgive others because of my amazing prayer life...I am so in touch with God...I realize that the forgiveness that he bestowed upon me is the same that I should offer to those around me....
But sorry to disappoint you....although that is somewhere deep inside, my main reason is honestly that I want to Love my life.....I HATE being bitter....being angry....being sad......I LOVE to laugh so hard I pee my pants....to see others happy....to hug and encourage and bring joy to those around me......

A few months ago I had the opportunity to sit down with a woman that was actually one of those girls from my childhood days....one that was in another "group". I was home and we decided to meet for lunch. We hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. It's that same story I told you earlier...I never dwelled on the hurts caused by her and her friends but if I concentrated I know they were there. We were both rather nervous but as we sat down we began to talk first about our lives now but then we went back to those days....She apologized for the things that she had done...for they way she treated me.....And I was able to get a glimpse inside of her life and what it was like for her back then as well......We sat and talked for 3 hours....3 beautiful hours.....

I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for that opportunity......And I am beyond thankful for last night to reconnect with a dear dear friend.....

****Now this I share as humbly as I possibly can........this is by no means bragging and as you read this I need you to understand my intention when I say these words.........I am so blessed that God has given me a heart to forgive.....that He has given me a memory that is more inclined to remember the good than the bad...I am by no means perfect....I still do have my pity parties where I spread my sorrows out on the floor and roll around in them....Although I am so happy with what He did for me yesterday I still have another relationship that is just as fractured....a Very important one...Even more so than the one was with my friend....I honestly don't know how to repair that one or even if it can be...But yesterday made me remember what a Big God he is....

Today I dream for you the faith to believe that God can do something you never thought could be done.....And that He does it in a way that you know it is only by His power that it could be....

Have a blessed day my friends.....

Marie Osmond, McDonald's & My Kids

The other day I had blogged about Spontanaity...Well, last night Dustin tested me with it. Yesterday was a great day for "getting things accomplished" around the house. I got alot of those unfinished jobs crossed off my list (including finally hanging Rob's deer head on his office wall...woo hoo!) and it felt so good. So when Dustin got home I had Oprah on and I told him to come watch with me. She had Marie Osmond on her show talking about loosing her son 8 months ago. He suffered from depression and one day left a note on his bed and jumped from an upper floor of his apartment building. Dustin and I already talk alot but it started even some more conversations which was good.

Well during a break there was a McDonald's commercial advertising the McRib. I was telling him that I hadn't had a McRib since I was a little kid. Dustin quickly said "Mom....come on let's go to McDonald's!!!"...."Dustin, we can't go to McDonald's, I have stuff set out for supper and besides Dad would go crazy if we went to town just for McDonald's!!!"...."PLEEAAASSEEE!!....it will be fun!!!" All I could think of was my spontaneity blog.....sooooo....me and my son were out the door. We live out in the country so it is probably 15 minutes away. We went in - through the drive through and then back home....And I was praying the whole way home that Rob wouldn't be home when we got there.....He doesn't quite understand Dustin and I sometimes.... It was a fun little trip...we laughed ALOT and so I think that it was worth it.

About an hour later Becca got home for the weekend. After supper...(yeah, D and I still had to act hungry at supper...lol.....sometimes I feel like a kid again...lol...) Becca grabbed my hand and pulled me into my room to lay on my bed and talk. She loves my bed. So as we laid there she proceeded to tell me stories of college....oh my goodness....she is HILARIOUS!! I so miss all of her voices and crazy faces. She had me laughing so hard that I kept having coughing attacks...(which as women you might know what that leads to)...Well, since it was already 7:30 and dark Rob informed us that it was time for bed....LOL....He is ADORABLE! I went and got my pj's on and went to lay in Becca's bed to continue our talk. I just Love laying there cuddling with her and listening to her talk. Rubbing her fingers (like Debbie taught me to do with my kids).

She tells me that she likes college overall but still struggles with finding a good friend. She does things with different people but spends alot of time in her room. As a mom it's hard to hear that your child hurts. Dustin goes through the same thing. I told her that I know it probably wouldn't help but really if you ask most people they have a hard time finding a "best" friend.........Both my kids have alot of people that like them and are both well loved and respected by adults. I try to tell her that Rob and I go through the same thing....Life can be hard..Friendships are alot of work and take alot of commitment on both sides....The key is to be strong in yourself and kind and loving to those around you. You can't depend on your joy to come from those around you. Others can add to your Joy but they can't be your Joy...... 

As I laid in my bed I just kept thinking about Marie Osmond. My heart just broke as she shared her story of her son. As she talked about how well loved he was.... How he loved to laugh.... How close they were.....And yet he still chose to take his life........Why?????....I know why......Sadly satan is a master at what he does. How he can so easily convince us that we are unlovable....unworthy......useless......As adults we are more capable of finding our way to truth, maybe battered and bruised....but we atleast have a direction we try to point ourselves to...... but children.....children are much more vulnerable to Satan's lies.....

I pray for my children constantly....That they will know they are loved....That they can see that God has a plan for them. That they will never think that life is so bad that they just want to give up. That they can find JOY and PEACE in this temporary place called Earth.....

Wow this post got intense didn't it???....But that was my day yesterday. A roller coaster of emotions. I cherish the moments with my kids. I know I have to hold them tight while I can because no one knows what tomorrow will bring. So, I am thankful for the post that God gave me about Spontaniety because without that prompting I would have never had my little trip with D and I probably would have just went to bed instead of spending time cuddling with my girl......sigh....

Today I dream for you...........grab the moments.....take advantage of time with someone you love..... to Laugh.....to cry....to just be real......I know that Marie Osmond would agree that if something were to happen it doesn't make it easier but those are moments that you wouldn't trade for the world.....

Have a blessed day my friends....

giving it to God....

A wonderful book on Prayer that my Brother n law

Bill gave to me.....

I've never had a mentor.....well, I shouldn't say that. I have 2 wonderful sisters that have guided me through the last 22 years of marriage and motherhood. They are my best friends and I am pretty sure they know pretty much everything about me....the good, the bad and the endless nonsense.....I can't imagine my life without them. But living 1200 miles away from my best friends has left me with a longing for someone to sit and hold me and encourage me through the rough times and high five me during my triumphs.....

I am pretty sure that I read too many blogs from other Christian woman. They talk about how they have mentors that are older than them. They meet weekly at Starbucks with Bibles in tow and unload their struggles and then the wise woman doles out incredible wisdom and words from scripture and prays the most poetic of prayers.....sigh....

I remember one wonderful week in a woman's house in Minnesota. I was staying at her home while I was doing some volunteer work. She was a beautiful woman who was old enough to be my mom. Her husband and she had done mission work throughout their lives and had several children and grandchildren. She was showing me around her house and took me into her office where I saw bookshelves filled with so many of my favorite books. We stood there and talked about  many of them and my heart just got fuller and fuller. One evening after a long and stressful day she took me to her church for a potluck. As we walked along she put her arm in mine and guided me around and introduced me to all of her friends like she was so proud that I had come with her. That evening she brought me a cup of tea and we sat on her couch and began to visit. She asked me questions and just listened.....it was Heavenly.....She asked me questions that went deeper than anyone ever has.....or should I say - different directions.... if that makes sense. Her questions led me to corners of my heart that many times I won't allow myself to go on my own and I keep topics very much on the surface with many of my friends..I would much rather be the questioner than the questionee.....After we talked she took my cup and walked me to my room and asked if she could pray for me. I laid in bed that night and wept. I wept for alot of things that we had discussed and even more that it was bringing up. By the next morning many of them scurried back to their dark corners. But I will never forget how freeing it was to be on the receiving end of the wisdom of a woman like that...

Through the years I have thought of her. I know that I journaled during that week but even now it is hard for me to go back and see what I wrote.....Isn't that crazy?.....I don't even remember all the topics we discussed but I just remember the way I felt....And there are so many times I so long for a woman like that in my life... Someone who has been through the rough times and came out stronger. A woman who can hold my hand and take me to scripture when I'm feeling alone and abandoned. A woman who can guide me through the difficult teenage years and remind me that the hard work and consistency will be worth it. Someone that will wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm doing a good job.....sigh......

I'm at a strange point in my life...in SO many areas of my life......I can't even explain it. Becca is off to college and it won't be long before Dustin follows as well. What will life look like for me then? We are all aware of the imagination I have so it's not like I haven't pictured it in my head over and over. Rob and I will head off to some other country and help at an orphanage and return home on trips to visit our children and grandchildren. I will be writing book after book and taking insightful photography that shows a life that few have ever experienced. And at some point we will return home and build our little cabin in the woods (that's Rob's part of the dream....) But we will spend our days serving and encouraging others around us.

I know that vision comes from what I experienced during that week. During one of the most intensely emotional weeks I have ever had. Giving everything in me during the day and coming home to feel loved and encouraged to go back again......I believe with all my heart that God placed that woman in my life for a greater purpose than just to lift me up during that week. He showed me the importance of what a mentor can be in the lives of others.

I also believe that this is one more reason for my blog. I have a heart to encourage....to motivate...to bring woman to a closer relationship to our Heavenly Father....to know that they are not alone....But I am only one woman.....I have no counseling degree and I by no means have all the answers.

The difficulty that I find is that when others come to me I tend to take on their pain....So when I have 5 different situations going on that I am "helping" others through I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I hurt for them and feel their pain. I spend my days trying to figure out ways to help them through....There have been many times that I feel that I spend more time on trying to see ways for them to move forward than they do themselves and then it leads to resentment and frustration.....I find myself being angry and short with my own family for no reason...And then I am filled with guilt because I know what it's like to be in despair and hopeless....I may not have been in their particular situation but I definitely can relate on some level.......

So my problem is....I don't know how find balance....

I always go back to the vision of that woman....Her peace....Her strong faith.....Her calming spirit....That is what I want....That is the place I long to reside. To encourage without internalizing.......hhhhmmmm...

Well my......this was very therapeutic today......Once again I love how I never know what I am going to write about....I could say that I didn't know that this was inside of me but I really knew it was and so has Rob....It has become much more evident lately. To a point that I know that it has to be dealt with but I just don't know how...Writing this today it is very clear to me that my top priority needs to be Prayer.....I need to realize that no matter what the situationis it is ultimately in His hands....I need to quit spending the hours of my days problem solving others problems and more time lifting them up to Him. I am not called to have all the answers and I can't be so hard on myself if the person I am trying to comfort finds that their life has only gotten worse. I am not in control of the decisions they make. I am only in control of mine....

So today I dream for you....... open eyes to see if there is something in your life that you are trying to take care of on your own.....by your own strength.....Is God telling you that what you truly need to do is lift it up in Prayer....Every time the thought enters your mind give it to Him. Instead of allowing your mind to stew and plan, worry and then get depressed..... let Satan know that you have no interest in going there and give it to God.......sigh.....

Well thank you for letting me think through this today.....I already feel lighter and more at peace....but I will be honest that it isn't going to happen overnight......I am still human you know.....

Have a Beautiful Day my friends....

the other side of me......

Getting way to close to EMPTY

It always amazes me how quickly I can go from seeing the world through Rose Colored Glasses to wanting to pull the blanket up over my head....Sometimes there doesn't even have to be a reason. I just get that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and I stand in the middle of my house and think of the dozens of things that need to be done or the dozens more that I feel I am doing all wrong....And what is really worse is when it isn't even my time of the month...lol..... I mean sometimes I can talk myself through when I know that might be the case but it's really hard when I know that's not it.

I try to tell myself I have had alot going on lately...but it seems like I Always have Alot going on. Every week I think that next week will be better. But by Monday every day is filled....... okay, just a minute...but if I'm being honest here, not every moment is filled. Just like today...... I worked the 6 am shift at the Polling Station today so that I would have the rest of the day. I get home and I am exhausted....I have bookwork that I don't EVEN want to talk about. Wood that needs brought in from outside. The Locker called and seems a tad bit irritated that my beef is still there since the fair - (still in the process of defrosting freezers). Becca is bringing a friend home from Milwaukee and she and Dustin are supposedly having a HUGE party this weekend when she comes home. There is a Bible Study I would like to start on Wed morning but the thought of one more thing makes me want to cry....(but I REALLY want to go to the Christmas Party!). I just backed out on my Thursday night Bible Study for the same reason. The school musical is on the 12th, 13th and 14th so now D is into rehersals until 10pm. most every night so then so much for getting to bed early. Friday night is our Jamaican Mission Waffle Supper. Saturday I am working at the Presbyterian Church for the UMPTEENTH year making noodles for their Bazaar and Tea after just spending a Saturday making Lefse....It's my mother n laws church and she is probably the youngest there by 20 years....Going to be a LONG morning and then we are back the next Saturday to do it again.....We greet on Sunday morning and then I will come home, curl up in the fetal position on my bed and probably cry myself to sleep so happy for Rest....(ohhhh that won't happen because Becca and her company will be here and I know I will want to make a nice lunch for them before they leave....)......aahhhhhh

So like I said, right now, instead of writing my blog I should be doing the things that NEED to get done but it is one of those days where I just don't have it in me. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW ....Debbie would tell me to Eat That Frog....LOL....If I would just do some of those bigger things than I would feel much more at peace....Those things that seem like a Huge Cloud looming over me....those things that I seem to wear like a yoke.

I am great at giving people the pep talk about how and why to do things to improve their lives...I Love to be the motivator and watch peoples outlook on life change. I don't think there is a day that goes by that someone doesn't email me or contact me somehow that I get to encourage  or just be an shoulder for them to lean on..... and I LOVE that!.......So I know all of that stuff but times like today when I'm hearing it pointed at me I just want to tell that voice in my head to SHUT UP!! I am sick of hearing the positive stuff....of what I am suppose to do....of telling myself that if I make a stinkin' list then Everything will be great.....And the Most Disturbing but the one that screams the Loudest.....IF YOU WEREN'T SO FAT then you would be happy............Wow....................(you will have to give me a minute to get myself back together after that one.......)..........whew.....

It's all in there.......it goes through my head......If you have read my blog for any length of time now you can see that there is a WHOLE lot in this head of mine. Sometimes I feel like I am going 100 miles an hour while  sitting still. My mind is constantly racing.......many times overwhelming me to the point of exhaustion. Every waking moment of every day my mind is going in 20 different directions and sometimes I just want....QUIET.....I want to not have memories....or plans....or lists.....or regrets.....I just want it to all go away........

Sooooooooooo......you probably didn't expect this today did you? Or for those of you that know me you were probably wondering when it was finally going to come.....Some of you may wonder if my other posts are just fluff....are they really me or do I spend most of my days in a heap only coming out to write a story that will make me Look good.....To some people I think that is seems like this is just the kind of drama they were hoping to find....It's sad but for some people they are beyond thrilled to see this post....It's like an ...AH HA.... Gotcha....Well if that is what you needed than I hope I made your day.....

But for all the rest of you that I call friends I just felt I needed to be real with you....for you to know that when you call and break down because it feels like the world is falling in around you I understand....When I speak to you it is because I feel your pain and I want better for you.....I want better for us!!!!.... Although I would like to say that I hate being in this place... isn't it funny how sometimes we just want to wallow for awhile.....We just want to give ourselves time to stomp are foot and cry out that the world isn't fair.

And I just have to add that I realize in the scope of things that what I struggle with at times seem so small in the scope of life.....I watch my brother Neil and his wife Allison and how they are Incredible parents to my nephew Noel....He has been confined to a wheel chair for so many years and live daily in the reality of what it means for your son to have Muscular Dystrophy but have taught him to LIVE and I couldn't be more proud of them....(you can read his story and visit his site at http://www.drawnup.net/ ).....those are the reasons I live most of my days thankful and try to live in the moment because I don't know what the next may bring.....

But the fact of the matter is today is a wallowing day for me....but actually yesterday was too....I am quite sure that loosing Grandma has brought out a whole lot of feelings that I am really not excited to feel. I am thankful for what I do have but REALLY ticked at what I don't.....(And once again for those who know me you know exactly what I mean and I Love you for that.....)

Okay Okay Okay.....just like when I'm writing the positive stuff I could go on and on with this side as well.....But, it's not making any of our days much brighter......But I felt that if I am going to be real on my blog then you have to see this side as well because just ask my family it is here as well.....

So after all of this..... do I leave you with an I dream for you????.........hhhmmm.....Well, okay let's see......I dream for you today the chance to be Real....I mean Vulnerable....with someone....Okay you don't have to go as Insane as me and put it out there for the world to read but to be real to someone........even if it's only to yourself and God......maybe just writing out how you honestly feel might help when it seems like there are truly no answers......I don't know....maybe it doesn't work for everyone....For me it's freeing....I know my week is still going to be crazy and I can't say that I still won't cry because of where I'm at right now but for me there has always been power in words....just letting these go have helped greatly.....I have talked to so many of you  that read my blog and you have given me such encouragement. I know the love that you have for me....so as I share this with you I know that you have listened with a caring heart.....

I thank you all my friends for being a listening ear....

Blessings to you....

admitting my imperfections...

This is a page from my Scrapbook - you can see it says
Pacific Ocean....You will also notice Becca is not in the
pictures....she stayed with Grandma so she could go to
school....I have never heard the end of that either...But - she
went to Germany without us so I think we are even now...

Well I was talking to my cousin Teresa yesterday and decided that it was about time to do this post....

I, Linda - being of full mind (well, somewhat full) and body - realize completely that many times I tend to mutilate the spelling of even the most average words....And I also realize that I am obsessed with punctuation and capitalization..... and many times use it where it was never intended to be!!!! And I am absolutely aware that I tend to fill my posts with incomplete and insane run-on sentences.....But let it be known that...........I LIKE it that way!!!! I tend to write like I think or talk and so sometimes you just get what you get....

When my kids were small I use to send out about 20 letters a week to family and friends. I would update them on what all was going on around our home and funny things that the kids were doing. I would write one letter and make photocopies so everyone would get the same information and I didn't have to keep saying the same thing over and over...(Do you see why I LOVE Facebook and my Blog now....much less postage!!!)....Having a large family has its perks but it takes Alot of work to stay connected.

I have all my letters in a binder and occasionally I will take it out and look through it. That was when we had gotten our first computer and so I was completely infatuated with FONTS....So each week I chose a new one...I would tell my readers that I realized they probably weren't that excited to read the daily happenings of a stay at home mom of two but maybe the idea of a new Font would make them open the envelope.

I think I had probably sent out ten of my letters when one of my sisters mentioned how cute it was that I chose to spell the word "busy" the way I had each week....HUH??? So I looked back at my previous letters and in EVERY letter I had spelled the word BUSY with a Z....Yep, my kids were keeping me BUZY.......And if any of you know Dustin you know that I used that word ALOT! When I asked different people if they had noticed it they all thought I was just being silly....aahhhh...

And it's not only spelling and grammar that I am horrible at...there are other things as well...like MAPS...(Andrea - I am giving only one example, the one between you, me and Gina stays between us....okay?..) Every year I send out about 150 Christmas letters recapping our year.  Well, several years ago we had gotten to spend a week out in Oregon visiting some good friends that we were in the Air Force with and another that Rob grew up with. We went up to Bremerton Washington where my mom lived when she was small and got to go up into the Space Needle. We went to see Mt. St. Helens and saw some of the most breathtaking scenery imaginable. All of this went in the letter but the "funny" part...yeah - real funny....Was the fact that AFTER I sent this letter out someone commented to me that I had written that we did all of this and we spent the day at the ATLANTIC Ocean........WHAT??????????? Why....oh Why don't I get a proofreader before I send this stuff out???? Well for those of you that, like me, were not whiz kids when it came to geography...if we would have visited Mt. St. Helens and the Atlantic Ocean all in one week we would have spent an awful lot of time on a plane seeing as how they are on opposite sides of the United States......So yes, now I do know that we had actually spent the day at the Pacific Ocean.....although it is taking every bit of strength in me not to check that I have that right...I still don't trust myself...Portland - Pacific....yeah I think I have it right....:-/

I am sure I knew it at the time that we were on our trip but sometimes I don't know what happens inside my head. I can remember some of the most useless, unimportant information from 30 years ago but I still don't remember how much my children weighed or what time they were born..(I often comment that if I were to ever get a tattoo that would be what I would get put on so I would always have it with me..LOL)..and I only had Dustin's date of birth wrong for a few months until his Grandma called on his 3rd birthday to tell him Happy Birthday and I told her she was a day early...she said....)Nooo - it was today...well, I didn't believe her and had convinced my husband that she was wrong (I am  great in a debate..) and then we finally went and looked at his birth certificate and realized I had just won the Mom, Looser of the Year Award....aahhhh - how do I do this kind of stuff ALL THE TIME???.....And of course...Dustin has NEVER let me forget that one....

I use to really worry about what other people thought of me when I messed up or when I didn't have things "perfect". I was one of those people that cleaned like crazy before people were coming over because I worried that they would think that since I was a stay at home mom I should have plenty of time to have everything in order.....LOL!! I look back on all the pressure I put on myself and I feel sorry for that poor girl living that way. I know that it has made me have a heart for moms of young children though and I know how difficult it is physically and emotionally just to get by day to day.

Finally I have gotten to a point where I realize it is better just to put yourself out there. The more I admit my shortcomings the more people comment on how they can relate. When I let you know that I know that my grammar is horrendous I think it takes the pressure off of both of us and just allows you to enjoy the content... or it makes you realize that I'm not going to change so you might want to take me off your blog list if it bothers you alot...lol.....Because I do realize that some of you are in the same boat as my poor spell check...it goes insane when it's time to check my post...I truly have to talk it down sometimes....lol....

So there you have it - more of getting to know the real me...English and Geography were not my strongest subjects in school and if you haven't realized it yet....I AM NOT PERFECT....You can barely get into my storage room right now and one of the lights is burnt out so I should really put Caution Tape on the door....My deck is STILL not done being stained and it is November....My checkbook is not reconciled....I bite my nails.......If there is anything else that you want me to share I really don't mind....There is a true freedom from being Real about where you are in life. I think writing my blog has given me a strength I didn't know that I had and it has allowed me to get past all the superficial layers that we sometimes put up so that I can go deeper and find out who I really am....

Today I dream for you the chance to admit your shortcomings....put it out there...now you might want to start small so you don't overwhelm the people around you....your facebook friends might not know what to say when you post that you have overdrawn you checking account for the 8th time this month or something like that....But if you begin to be honest with those around you about your struggles and imperfections that it takes the pressure off of yourself so you can actually live and most often you will see that you are definitely not alone....

Have a wonderful day my friends.....

whats' in your toolbox....



It was Windy outside today so I didn't want to go
to the shop to take pictures.....So I used 2 of Becca's.
Thanks Boo!!!!!

 This morning while I was doing my Bible Study one of the sections was on being thankful. It asked us to write down different ways that we are thankful to God...If I had the opportunity I could sit throughout the day and into the night and never be able to write down all that I am thankful for. 

After I wrote for awhile I just sat back and thought about my life. I am not only thankful for the things like a warm home, food to eat, a healthy and loving family...but I started listing things that I never thought I could think of as positive in my life. I know without the struggles and difficult times in my life I wouldn't have the tools in my life that I need today.

In our line of work Rob has ALOT of tools. I can't tell you how much of my life has been spent in the shop while he works on a machine. My main job is fetching the tools he needs....(yeah, I said fetching...lol.) I will be the first to admit that even after all these years no matter how hard Rob has tried to teach me I am no good at knowing my wrenches. Oh sure I can do the 1/2" and the 3/4" stuff okay but you start throwing in all those other numbers and I start to hyperventilate.

Rob has had many of his wrenches for probably 20 years, so alot of them are worn and you can't see the numbers. Well, when Rob has himself in the bowels of a machine and hollers for a 9/16" and I bring him a 3/8" lets just say he's not happy.The fact of the matter is that Rob needs the right tools to fix specific problems. And without the right tools it can either take much longer to get things done or it is just impossible all together.

That is the way it is with my life. I look back and 20 years ago it would have been impossible for me to do some of the things that I do now. Today I love to speak in front of people. How in the WORLD did that happen? I can remember standing at the podium in Mrs. Satterwhite's class reading a poem and trying not to pass out. What got me to the point that one of my greatest goals is to speak in front of thousands of people? It didn't happen all at once. I started doing things like teaching Creative Memories classes and then speaking at the Mother Daughter Banquet at church.  In the last 20 years I have had many opportunities of speaking in front of audience. Just a few weeks ago I even got to do the opening and closing at the Hospital Foundation brunch in front of about 200 people and LOVED it!! But.... if I didn't have those smaller things throughout my life - not always being real excited about it- I wouldn't have the confidence to be where I am today.

As I thought through this I realized that tools serve such a HUGE purpose in our lives. Tools are used to  fix or to improve. If everything is going wonderful you have no need for them. It's when you get into trouble or see the need to make something better that you reach for a tool. I think that I am safe to say that Rob doesn't spend alot of time thinking about his shop full of tools. But when the need arises I know he is beyond grateful they are there and that he knows how to use them.

I picture Rob's big tool box - each drawer filled with items that make things easier for him. He has the tools that he Needs....There is a reason he has the items he has in that box. He has encountered problems before that required him to obtain just what he needed to get the job done. And now they are his.......So when something happens it's not that he still isn't having to fix something but .....when he has the right tools it just makes things go smoother and he can get done quicker.

So now I  picture the tool box that God has given me. I didn't "ask" to have the problems arise in my life that I have had. It wasn't enjoyable working through the stuff that I have had to deal with. It wasn't easy to push myself to do better. But through all the struggles I have been through He has been giving me the tools that I need. Not only to "fix" those problems but so later in life when I encounter something similar I have a better idea which drawer to go to for the correct tool.

Today I dream for a few moments to sit and thank God for your struggles and the tools he has given you to overcome them.. Take a good look at your tool box - go through each drawer and remember that even though you didn't Want to have to own those tools they have served you along the way.......

Have a beautiful day my friend.....

Why can't I feel God.....

Pololu Vallay Lookout, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

As Christians many times it seems that our relationship with God is a roller coaster ride....We have wonderful highs where we see His beauty in everything around us. We are at peace and continuously feel his guidance in our life. A term that is often used is that you are enjoying a "Mountaintop Experience".......And then there are the times in our lives where we feel alone and abandoned. And at times even question His existence. That we are just "going through the motions." These times can be referred to as "being in the valley."

I have been a follower of Christ for most of my life so I have experienced the whole gamete of emotions that come with this relationship. This morning I received an email from a dear friend who is "walking in a valley." For the last year or so she just can't seem to find God anywhere. She misses those feelings that she use to have. The times where she would Sing and Dance and feel engulfed in His Love. But as we all know life gets busy and we get preoccupied and difficulties surround us. Next thing we know we try to find those "feelings" that we had with God and they aren't there. So we try to do the things we were doing before - hoping - praying - that we will feel Him once again. We sing the same songs. We go sit in the same places. We read the same verses. And then when we come up empty we feel abandoned. We start to question ourselves. What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get close to Him? Did I ever even feel Him before or is this just all a big game?......

Personally, the best way for me to think of my relationship with God is to relate it to my marriage.

When I first met Rob we couldn't spend enough time together. We would stay up late talking, learning about each other. I told Everyone about him. I wrote his name on my books..(I was still in High School...lol) And then we got married.....bu bu buuuummm.....And then you enter the “real world”. The times of gazing into each other’s eyes are long gone. There are bills to pay and children to raise and life gets crazy!!....
When I first moved to Wisconsin we had just started our business and I never saw Rob. He would leave the house at 5:30am and get home at 10:00pm to eat supper, sleep and do it all over again the next day….7 days a week…No cell phones, no way to keep connected….I was ALONE! Rob will admit that I basically raised both our children by myself. I was separated from my family by 1200 miles and none of our friends had children. We had "friends". But there was no one to talk to about the things that I was going through. Those years were hard...I remember thinking...What happened? I remember what life use to be like back in Texas. The man that I married was home at 4:30pm and we would sit on the couch and watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. We would go to the movies and out to supper. And now I just don't feel what I felt then… It wasn't that I didn't love Rob or that he didn't love me - that was never in question.. It was just that it didn't look the same or feel the same.....Those were definitely valley years for me and for Rob – and for our marriage...Many of you have heard me say...I cried for 6 years and I am not exaggerating..

Fast forward many years....at this point in our marriage I will say we are blessed tobe on a mountaintop...when I stand up here I can see things clearly, for what they really are. It was for the very best that I left Texas and came here. I found out who I am. I am stronger than I ever could have been if I would have stayed. I don’t believe I would have been the parent I am if we would have stayed. If I would have other mom’s around me to talk to maybe I wouldn’t have trusted myself enough and invested so much of me into making sure they were well rounded, responsible, loving and respectful children….now young adults…

Does it mean that we get to stay here on the mountain?...You might think it's crazy but honestly - I hope not...You see in the past 22 years Rob and I have have had many mountaintop experiences. But today when I look at them they are tiny hills. But we had to go through those to get to where we are now. Anyone who believes that Rob and I are the couple we are out of luck or because we choose to avoid things and just pretend to be happy on the outside have no idea at the work that we have done along the way...together. We will face new challenges. Maybe it will be our business or our health or any number of things... In fact - I will be honest with you - we both know that we are headed off our mountaintop soon. There are challenges that lie ahead but at least we know this one is coming, unlike the times you feel like someone just pushed you off a cliff. So we grab each other by the hand and vow to be a team in the valley. To remember the mountaintop and know that another one will be ahead but no guarantees as to how far. In the valley we have to make "us" a priority. We have to have dates even if they are talking about the kids or the business. And we know that sometimes it will feel like we are just “going through the motions.” But we HAVE to do it. Sadly there are times when we are in the valley that I whine and complain, “why can't I have now what I had then – it was better back there....I don't want to go any farther...I was satisfied with what we had”....WHY CAN'T I LEARN??????

God never promised us that a relationship with Him would be easy. Just like I was never promised marriage would be. In fact he assures us that it will be just the opposite. But He wants us to understand that those trials that we go through are good for us. We need those difficulties for our relationship to grow deeper. I would be disappointed if my relationship with Rob looked like it did when we first met. At that point there was no way of knowing that marriage could be like this. No one could have ever explained it to me. But to get here we had to go through the work, the tears, the arguments, the all night conversations. That is the way it is with my relationship with God. What if I would have thought that quoting scriptures and knowing every hymn in the red hymn book that set beside my bed was as deep as it got. I was Happy then. I honestly was. But then when I wasn't content with that I began to search for more and at times thinking that I lost Him because nothing felt the same. But then on the next mountaintop it was always better than the last....

 We all get discouraged in the valley. We all get lost and feel alone. Just don’t give up. It is through the valleys we learn the lessons we need to be able to move forward. And then with each mountain top you get closer and closer to Him.

Today I dream for you........I know that you want me to say mountaintops....I know you really do....so okay - I dream for you mountaintops....but not to stay forever - just long enough to get your bearings....to look around at where you came from..to be proud of the rugged terrain that you had to cross. To sit for a time and breath and think clearly. But then to know that there are other valleys that are ahead. And to give thanks for the small mountaintops that brought you higher each step of your journey.....

Have a beautiful beautiful day friend....

And now to share with you my very favorite verse in the Bible is James 1:2-7

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

sharing my blog....

This one is still one of my favorite photos.
It was on the day that Becca got home from Germany.
That was when I knew that she would never be
content to live an average life.....

As many of you know part of the goal for writing my blog is to capture my day to day life and share it with my kids someday. I have long given up asking..."have you read my blog today??" Only to get the same answer..."Mooommm, I'm busy...". So my plan is to periodically put my blog into book form to share with them at some point when they will appreciate it more. So many times in my life I wish that I would have known about my parents lives when they were younger...How did they handle parenting, marriage, conflict?....What were they passionate about?... What were their day to day lives like?.....

Your all aware that I end most of my blogs with..."Today I dream for you"...I say that I write that for myself as well as you as a reader but also it is for my children.... If there is a day that I can't be there beside them with encouragement and advice I pray that they can read my words and learn and grow from the struggles and joys that I have lived. So as I write out these words I am challenged to live a better life...to live more adventursm...to let go of things...and to dream bigger...because that is the life I want them both to know that I tried my best  to live and it is possible for them as well...I try to be as real with my struggles because I want them to see that we all go through different seasons in our life. And hopefully that will encourage them throughout their own journey.

I write this for both my children but realizing that it will most likely be most beneficial for Becca. Not that Dustin won't be interested. Actually he has been the most supportive of my blog all along. But there is a different bond between a mother and daughter....or so there should be...or should I say there is for us....(But just last night D asked me if I have blogged about him yet..lol... I will write soon about my relationship with him  and share with you the things that make him the amazing son he is....) But this today is directed more towards Becca. I feel like I need to write so much of this stuff down for her...Her life is busy and full....I am so use to her being here and now that she is gone to college we are missing so much of each others lives...

I know there are parents that comment that their children are their "best friends" and I often somewhat cringe when I hear that... Being a best friend with your child puts an awful lot of pressure on them. I want Becca to have the freedom to have her own friends and adventures that don't include me.....I always say that if you do the hard work when your kids are younger then the older they get you truly get to enjoy them....that is where Becca and I are....And Dustin and I are getting very very close (still going through some work with him...lol...) I Adore her, I love EVERYTHING about her...but she is not my best friend. I don't ever want her to feel like she has to take care of me...that my joy and peace is dependent on her. I want her to have the freedom to have her own friends and that I will be okay..

Although I say she isn't my best friend we are very good friends. We are very close! And she has lived in this house so she knows alot about my life. She knows that I have had  rough times but I hope that I have taught her that it is possible to make it through with His guidance. Today's message at church was about God teaching us through struggles. That nowhere in the Bible does it state that God does not give us more than we can handle. It is through cicumstances that we can not handle that finally make us turn to Him. We have all 4 shared alot of stuff that we didn't know what God was trying to teach us. I want to be able to say that the things that I...(we) have gone through have grown me and our whole family.
So since there have been numberous times that Becca has held me while I cried about different things in my life...(She is just as protective of me as I am for her)..I wanted to give her a glimpse into my life at this moment while she is off creating her very own ....

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To Becca:

Although when you left for Milwaukee we were in the middle of some hard stuff as a family things are definately on an upswing. I am beyond proud of the life that you are creating for yourself. For your amazing strength and determination to follow your passsion. But most of all that you have Passion and Dreams in your live. I LOVE THAT! Dad and I are loving our life here with Dustin, just the 3 of us. You have been a wonderful big sister to him and an excellent example of a life to aspire to. Every day gets better and better and I am forever thankful for the time you spend with him. Dad misses you so very very much. He has the picture of the 2 of you hugging at graduation beside the bathroom sink and I know he stares at it often. If he ever learns to text it will only because he wants to talk to you more and no other reason...LOL!! And then there's me....I am happy....happier than I have been in a long long time....You know through many tears my prayer has been for a good friend for a long time now.....although things have been hard, this time has allowed Dad and I to begin to be each others Best Friends...the way it should be...the way it always should have been. But you know that I have missed having "friends". I just want to let you know that God is very faithful...I will first start by saying how wonderful our weekend in Milwaukee was at Women of Faith. Me, you and Shari!!! It couldn't have been more of what we all 3 needed. I loved you laying in my lap as they sang and getting to rub your back and play with your hair. And I don't know what my life would be without Shari right now...you know as well as anyone that she and Jamie helped us all through some of the hardest times we have had...all 4 of us....they are such a blessing to our whole family. And then of course there are Bryan, Nichole and Ainsley. They have become such a stable part of our lives and we couldn't be happier. Last night was our weekly Hot Tub hang out night and I got to feed Ainsley while she sat in her high chair. It feels so good to be an Aunt again to a little one....sigh...And then there are all my book club friends, my church friends, my Jamaican Mission friends and so many others (and of course my amazing Texas family!!)....Right now my life is overflowing and I am beyond thankful.

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I know I say I write this for Becca and for Dustin as well...but I also write this for me. It feels good to write down in words where God has brought me....And to be so very thankful! Who is to say what the future will hold. What next year will be like. I am trying not to worry or even try to look to far ahead and just live in the moment. I tell Rob that I want to enjoy all the people around me now because if God's plan for our future is to place us in a different country working in an orphanage where I don't speak the language I want to be able to know that I didn't waste a moment of this life here and now...You just never know do you?.... But what I do know is that at this very moment as I sit here my heart is Full.....And I thank Him so much for that....

Well today I dream for you a Full Heart....Maybe you are where I am and you are so thankful for where He has you today...But maybe you are going through one of those times where you know that He is giving you more than you can Handle...Life is too hard and you don't know how much more that you can take...Here is a link to the series we are doing entitled Fearless - the one I am speaking of is Fear of Overwhelming Challenges...Excellent message!! http://www.hiddenv.com/resources/393  I want to encourage you to draw closer to Him during this time....Have a wonderful day my friends.........

the white line

In 2005 I began what would be a short running career. By the end of 2007 I had run 3 half marathons and countless other 5 and 10k’s. Although I never even considered running before. I learned to love everything about it. The alone time with God. The way my body was beginning to tone up. The feeling of accomplishment after a race. But in the Fall of 2007 I decided to return to school after 19 years and thus my running shoes would begin to gather dust.

As I ran my races I began to notice that I was a creature of habit. As the race began and the crowd dispersed I was usually left behind. My body never believed me when I tried to convince it that we were runners. I would find my rythym and take my place on the white line at the side of the road. As I would run (using that term loosely) I began to think about the symbolism of that line and relate it to my journey with God.

I would think about how God’s plan for my life is like that line. It is there to protect and guide me. But along the way there are obstacles that will try to interfere with my goal. If I just keep my eyes on the line then I won’t lose my way. Along the way I come across curves and intersections…mud puddles and potholes...accidents in my path that bring me to a complete halt… And more times that I care to admit I get so confident that I believe I can do this on my own. I take my eyes off the line and look to the crowds around me to show me the way. But while the crowd begins to encompass me and I lose sight of my safe white line I get nervous and I look down to find that without even noticing I am now standing on a  yellow dotted line and I panic. It is easy to follow the yellow line with a crowd around you for safety but what about when I am all alone? What if this yellow line becomes my normal? I know people that choose the yellow line. They seem to be constantly weaving and ducking and ultimately getting injured only to crawl their way ahead to get up and do it again. I begin to yearn for my white line.

God has created us to draw near to Him. When we are closest to Him we feel safe and secure. We feel encouraged and hopeful. It is much too easy to follow the groups around us that lead us into sin. But He tells us to throw all of that off. Because when we are free of all that junk than we can RUN the race He marked out for us. There have actually been times during my “running career” where I felt like I was running. When I didn’t worry about how I looked or the people around me. Those are the times that I am the most at peace as a runner. That is the life that I long for. I want to know that He is guiding my steps. And we know that the medal at the end will be better than anything imaginable.

¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw

 off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with

perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12: 1-2