The Joy of the Lord.....

Heart, originally uploaded by pieceofheaven.

Last night I was watching the Biggest Loser with my sweet husband. I have watched the transformations these individuals have made and it always moves me to tears. For so many reasons....I am so happy for them and for their families....I understand what that change is going to mean for them....I know their futures are forever changed....well, at least for the ones that truly "get it". The ones that have worked through their issues and know why they turn to food for comfort...why they would rather sit in front of a TV watching others loose weight than do it themselves.



I've been there. I've had the motivation and the time and the determination to get the weight off. To get healthy. But what I don't think I have ever dealt with is Why??...I keep repeating the same patterns throughout my whole life. And I keep ending up right back at the same spot or even worse. And so I gain weight and that makes me depressed and then I am depressed so I gain weight....



During a week moment last night I asked Rob if he would be my personal trainer. So when Rob takes something on he does it with everything he has. So this morning starting at 6 am he starts asking me if I am ready to get up and exercise....uuummm...NO!...It's dark and I'm sleeping!! So for the next half hour he worked on irritating me enough that I finally got up so he would quit bothering me. He informed me that we were going outside for a run...Are you CRAZY? It's 10 degrees outside...So he says.."then you will have to put on alot of layers..."



I knew Rob was taking this serious when we were ready to start he asked if he could pray...That was so Sweet!! As he was praying he said..."I thank you that Linda has the desire to be out here..." And I couldn't quit laughing....Ummm. I had the desire to go to a heated gym....You were the one who drug me out in the Frozen Tundra....



I will admit I was GRUMPY....He kept wanting to run and when I would "run" he was still walking...which makes me remember what a slow runner I am.....The farther we went I was torn...I was enjoying being outside but I kept getting madder and madder. He didn't realize that part of Bob and Jillian's role is counselor. So as much as I needed to exercise I needed to get stuff out...Why can't I get a handle on this???...Why do other people not struggle with this??...Why am I even trying???



At one point I had a visual....My heart was tired....Not physically (but it could be that too!) But my heart is just tired of everything........selfish people............people that I feel disappoint me........circumstances that I am tired of dealing with........tired of disappointing myself......I'm just tired!!



Last night I actually got out my book, Fearless Living. I have so many things highlighted and circled - I just started reading.....A few of them stood out....



But there is never a guarantee. While we wait for circumstances or people to change that are outside of our control, we can end up feeling sorry for ourselves, resentful and helpless...



Expectations will always build evidence for you and against others...



She had to accept where she was before she could move forward....


I could go on and on.....So many powerful things....that is what I want...To Live Fearless!!!!



I don't want others choices to affect me in such a way that I can't function.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, resentful or helpless....

I don't want to put expectations on others so much so that it drags me down when they don't meet them..

I want to stop giving others control of my Joy and Peace!!

I want to accept where I am...to own it....so that I can move forward with my life!!!.....



So...does this all mean that in the morning I am going to jump up out of bed with a smile on my face and be ready to take on the day.....Ummm....I don't know if I would go that far. But I do know that I want to take my power back. I know to many people that are Negative....I don't ever want to be that....I often tell myself that I remember when I was a Happy Person.....I still have every reason to be happy. If others around me choose to live in constant negativity than I can't let that alter my life....




10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”



That is how I want to live my life....Enjoying food and not letting it dominate me......Helping those that are in need......and not grieving because I KNOW that my Joy comes from the LORD and I find my strength in HIM!!!!....

Can I get an Amen??......

Today I dream for you.....Joy.....the Joy that comes from HIM....not that Joy that the world offers that comes and goes...but the Joy that comes deep within your soul......



Have a JOYFUL day friend.....

frustrated with my failures

Taking a picture of my Coaching books atleast made me get them off
the shelf....Now maybe I will open them up....:-)

As you might have noticed I have been gone for awhile. I tried to decide if I discuss the reasons why or if I just go on to new topics such as Christmas Trees and Snow Days....but....I decided I needed the therapy session. A chance to talk it through in my head and maybe sort some things out.

Well the number one reason that I haven't blogged is mainly....because it was going good...Yep, that is the usual reason I stop doing something I love. I knew it was coming when I received the email that my blog is going to be featured with a story I wrote for my favorite website...InCourage on the 17th of this month....

This is so much of a pattern for me that it is completely insane. If I listed all the things throughout my life that I began and didn't finish it might be the size of a set of Encyclopedias. But it's most frustrating when I LOVE what I am doing and there is no reason for me to stop....but I do.... and once again....I feel like I have failed....

My hardest "failure" within this last year was my Life Coaching class. I LOVED it!!! I mean ALOT!! I loved everything about it. I loved the books. The teachers. The people that I was meeting. The classes were taught by teleconferencing a few days a week and so it was Perfect! ....And the things that I was learning were not only helping me move toward my dream of being a Life Coach but they were helping me through obstacles in my own life as well.... Wonderful!!....

The incident that stands out in my memory of when it came to a halt was when we had to start finding people that would be willing to have us coach them. I contacted one of my friends that actually started me blogging. I asked her if there was an area that she would want to work on....Organization, Scheduling, Tasks that she wanted to get done. She was very excited and willing. I emailed her a worksheet filled with questions that let me know her style and where she hoped to make progress....It was Great. She was excited. I was excited. And so.....of course....I Stopped....I remember getting her email back and looking over it and beginning to form a plan. I don't really remember the thought process that happened next.... All I do know is that time went by and I didn't respond to her and I hadn't done any of my classes and since that day I haven't opened one of my books.

Every once in awhile I try to be strong and I will stare at my books on my shelf and I really want to open them...if for no other reason than for myself. But I haven't gotten that strong yet. There is the failure on many levels....Of course there is the money that I "wasted"...that is my biggest guilt. Then the reality that I have yet another dream to throw in my bucket of UnAccomplishments.....sigh....

The other day something happened that made me realize that I need to really work through this and get a handle on it. The last few months I had been working on getting in shape and loosing some weight. I was doing okay and was down about 25 pounds and feeling good. No one had really said much but I was feeling great. Some things happened in my life and I relapsed. I was eating terrible and I had quit exercising. A couple of weeks went by and during 1 particular week I had 5 different people ask if I had lost weight or say that I was looking good. I would say...No - in fact I have gained weight back...trying to convince them of how bad I had been. When I would get home I would eat uncontrollably things that I hadn't eaten for months.

The worst was the day I was getting dressed and I put on a pair of blue jeans that had gotten pretty loose on me...I pulled them up and struggled to button them....I actually uttered the words...."there....see....I told you...."....I stopped myself and just stood in my closet and cried. I would love to say I got a grip and things are back on track but they have only gotten worse.....So now throw on the anger at what I have done to myself, the disappointment and the frustration.....Do I see why it happened - of course....I had a goal - fit into a certain pair of jeans by Christmas....Feel good by our trip to Jamaica....Be a runner by 1-11-11.....What happened??? I was getting close..........

.....sigh....what now?....Well I figure today was a step...blogging again....getting back up on that horse. And this morning I told Rob that I plan to exercise today He kept saying that he was so proud of me..... and I want him to be...and I want to be proud of me too!!....

Now I do realize that it's only 7 am and many times I think I can conquer the world while I'm in my PJ's and lying in my bed. But the real test will be when I put my feet on the floor. But hey, I figure that at least I am wanting it all again and that is a step...some days you take what you can get....

I know for a fact that Satan knows our weaknesses. And many days I think that he must have mine on a neon flashing light over his desk so that he is sure to never forget. He knows how to bring me down to a level where I am not productive and filled with despair.....and so today I claim....SATAN - YOU WILL NOT STEAL MY JOY!!!

Today I dream for you....fulfillment...completion...achievements....I dream that you can focus on something that you want and that you can see it  through until the end. That you can find the discipline and determination to follow through, so that on the other end you can look back and be proud and strong.....

Have a beautiful day my friend...<3

the white line

In 2005 I began what would be a short running career. By the end of 2007 I had run 3 half marathons and countless other 5 and 10k’s. Although I never even considered running before. I learned to love everything about it. The alone time with God. The way my body was beginning to tone up. The feeling of accomplishment after a race. But in the Fall of 2007 I decided to return to school after 19 years and thus my running shoes would begin to gather dust.

As I ran my races I began to notice that I was a creature of habit. As the race began and the crowd dispersed I was usually left behind. My body never believed me when I tried to convince it that we were runners. I would find my rythym and take my place on the white line at the side of the road. As I would run (using that term loosely) I began to think about the symbolism of that line and relate it to my journey with God.

I would think about how God’s plan for my life is like that line. It is there to protect and guide me. But along the way there are obstacles that will try to interfere with my goal. If I just keep my eyes on the line then I won’t lose my way. Along the way I come across curves and intersections…mud puddles and potholes...accidents in my path that bring me to a complete halt… And more times that I care to admit I get so confident that I believe I can do this on my own. I take my eyes off the line and look to the crowds around me to show me the way. But while the crowd begins to encompass me and I lose sight of my safe white line I get nervous and I look down to find that without even noticing I am now standing on a  yellow dotted line and I panic. It is easy to follow the yellow line with a crowd around you for safety but what about when I am all alone? What if this yellow line becomes my normal? I know people that choose the yellow line. They seem to be constantly weaving and ducking and ultimately getting injured only to crawl their way ahead to get up and do it again. I begin to yearn for my white line.

God has created us to draw near to Him. When we are closest to Him we feel safe and secure. We feel encouraged and hopeful. It is much too easy to follow the groups around us that lead us into sin. But He tells us to throw all of that off. Because when we are free of all that junk than we can RUN the race He marked out for us. There have actually been times during my “running career” where I felt like I was running. When I didn’t worry about how I looked or the people around me. Those are the times that I am the most at peace as a runner. That is the life that I long for. I want to know that He is guiding my steps. And we know that the medal at the end will be better than anything imaginable.

¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw

 off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with

perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12: 1-2

readjusting....

What do you do when you have an awesome goal and all the sudden you realize that it is Not going to happen? How do you readjust? One of the fears of putting yourself "out there" is the reality that if you fail you will fail in public. Satan begins to fill your head with all kinds of things like..."why did you even think that you could accomplish that?"..."You are a looser..."...."you are worthless.."..."a fraud.."... "a fake..." and not only that, Everyone knows it!!

So as many of you know a while ago I set up this whole 1-11-11 Achieve Your Dream...Woo Hoo!!! What goal do you want to be able to accomplish by that date? What do you want to be able to claim about your life on that date?" Well, also as many of you are aware, my Goal was to be able to call myself a runner... by my terms not others.. For me that meant accomplishing different races before then and improving times along the way. Well, I have been doing great. Following my Hal Higdon's running sheet that would have me ready to run a half marathon in October. And then my ultimate goal of a half or even a full in January at Disney World.

And then....about a week and a half ago all of that came to a screeching halt. I had been having some pains for awhile but really hadn't thought much about them but finally one day I couldn't ignore them any longer. The pains were in the right side of my abdomen and shooting pains into my right arm. Well after a whirlwind of tests and doctor visits I found myself having my gallbladder out and now facing the reality that my running schedule had now just been destroyed.

I have been running long enough to know that even a week off in great health puts you back a ways. But now for me, the week off of not feeling good, then the week of surgery and now recovery. I am fighting the feeling of defeat. What do I do now? Do I give up completely? Do I come up with a new goal all together? Maybe I should change my goal to organizing my closet - that seems doable...:-(...

But I have to go back to my original goal. When I set that goal for myself what did that actually mean? What feelings did I want to feel on that day. Yes I wanted to be able to say I had atleast 4 new medals. I wanted to be able to claim on that day that I was back to where I had left off in 2007. I WANTED it bad. But now what? So, I have to figure out what would give me that same sense of accomplishment. My mile markers may have to look different now. My progress may be slower and the road might be a little bumpier. My racing goals may have to be postponed until next year. It won't be long until the Wisconsin Winter will hit and the ability to run outside takes more determination than the rest of the year.

There are so many struggles that I am going through in my mind right now...For instance - it's a gallbladder for goodness sakes!! You don't even need it!! Why now? There is nothing heroic or incredible about gallbladder surgery. No offense but if one more person offers to show me the container of gallstones from their surgery I just might scream. And then I can't tell you how many times others have scoffed at my small scars and lifted their shirts to display a foot long scar across their stomach as if it were a war wound and tell of their week long stay in the hospital. I feel like I might as well be complaining about a hangnail. And yet this stupid surgery has thrown everything off...I have had so many people encourage me. They tell me that I everything will be back to normal soon. But they do not see the fight that is occuring inside my head. I know the arguments that I have ahead with my body. The struggle that I will have with it to get moving again. The war with my stomach convincing it that it isn't hungry. The way that Satan will take every moment to undo everything I have accomplished within the last few months. The recovery that I am going through right now really has little to do with these 4 little scars on my belly. It has more to do with the distruction zone left inside my head.

So that is where I am at this moment..readjusting...trying my best to look at my future with optimism and excitement. To find my footing and see where I am suppose to go from here...But I suppose that is the first step isn't it? Wanting to leave Here...even when I don't know where There is..

So today I dream for you the ability to take an honest look at where your Here is...what could There look like...maybe you tried to go There and you got thrown around and beat up and now you find yourself back at square one trying to decide if it is really even worth the work...Here may not be great or glamorous but it is comfortable and predictable....Take a moment and dream of There......have a wonderful day friend....

biking the hills of Richland County

This is the hill that Lisa and I dream of conquering....

This is sort of a mixture of a dream and working on my 1-11-11 goal. I dream of riding my bike up the hill where Hwy A and Hwy Z meet. That means "riding" not "walking with my bike beside me".

I have taken up biking as cross training for my race (which is still yet to be determined - I still REALLY want a Mickey Mouse medal but I think I will have to be content with a Donald Duck..) Anyway, I have kind of enjoyed biking, which is really funny. Growing up, if I thought that I hated running, I despised riding a bike. In fact the only time I ever remember being on a bike was at my grandparents in Kingsland, Tx. Me and my brother found this cool bike with a banana seat and it was painted like a flag. We would push it up to the top of the hill and coast down. That is my only memory of bicycling when I was a child.

Although,I do have some funny memories of bicycling after Rob and I were married. Atleast I think they are funny... For our honeymoon Rob and I went to Mackinac Island. It is a beautiful island that is full of history and beauty and the unique think is they have no cars of any kind. So the only transportation is either bicycles or horse and buggy. Well we thought it would be romantic to rent a tandem bicycle to ride around the island to see the sights. Rob was in the front and I was in the back with the camera. Well Rob had this opinion that if I am playing photographer I am not doing my job as a peddler...The last straw for him was when we were going up a steep hill and he kept saying that I wasn't pedaling. When in fact I was trying - honest I was. But the madder he got the funnier I thought it was and I couldn't quit laughing which makes it hard to concentrate on pedaling. By the time we made it to the top of the hill Rob was about to puke and didn't think I was at all funny. So as he stood over the bike talking himself out of loosing his lunch I had to snap a photo...That was the Last time we ever rented a tandem bike and we have been married 22 years...coincidence - I think not....

What brings this to mind is that now that I live in Richland County we are completely surrounded by hills. So taking up biking is no small endeavor for a girl from West Texas where the only hills are in the cotton rows. It is so flat that when Rob was in the Air Force his base was 30 min away and from my house I could see his water tower....FLAT I say!!! My sister-n-law Lisa (who is also from West Texas) and I have made a pact to conquer these hills together. Today we did 10 miles. At the half way point I understood Rob's nauseous feeling 22 years ago. I got to a point and I had to get off or I would surely die. I looked back from where I had been and the slope seemed to go on forever, which I was proud of but when I looked up to the top at where Lisa stood waiting for me on her bike I honestly couldn't decide if I wanted to puke or cry. I have run these hills but biking them is whole different experience.

We set a goal to make it up one certain hill without stopping. At this point I am a little skeptical but always up for a challenge. I will keep you updated but don't look for that post to soon.

Well my dream for you today is that when you are in the middle of a hill in your life, you neither puke nor cry but reach down and find the strength to reach the top. Have a wonderful day all.

1-11-11 Goal (rainy day workout)

So today I got up at 5:30 to go outside for my run because we were suppose to get storms all day long. As I walked outside I realized I was too late. After whining and complaining for awhile I decided to go do the treadmill.

My exercise studio is in the garage…LOL…(I like to call it that). I have a treadmill that I have had for about 6 years, an electrical stationary bike that none of the readings work and it won’t change speeds so I don’t use it but it makes me feel like I’m at a gym. I do have a nice weight machine that is tucked into the corner. It’s huge and impossible to move so now that it is there it isn’t going anywhere. I think that gives Becca some comfort knowing that when she goes off to college her room won’t get turned into an exercise room.

I head out there and get on the treadmill, not excited at all. Realize that maybe if I open the garage doors then I will feel like I am running outside. Get off and do that. Back on. I watch Pup stare at me for a long time and I can only assume that he is wondering why we are up at this crazy hour and what the heck am I doing on this machine. Keep running. I get fed up with looking at the dirt on my treadmill so I have to go get a washcloth to clean it off and then I might as well clean my other stuff while I am at it (even the bike…lol…- that’s the OCD in me) Back to running. Pup then starts carrying around one of those little bug catcher things that the Orkin man puts out. I have to get off and take it away from him. I finally get into a pretty good rhythm and start to enjoy myself. I watch Pup chase a frog around and enjoy the sound of the rain pouring down.

I finally get done with 1 mile (yep-that’s it –sorry if I disappointed you) and I am completely drenched. I thought to myself that I might as well have run in the rain. I did a half a mile cool down and decided to do some weights.

The weights felt good and then I tried to do some lunges across the garage and then I did something not to smart. I tried hopping across the floor. The first jump and my right knee screamed at me. I have had lots of problems with it so I promised it that I wouldn’t try that move again.

Although I will admit I really fought hard this morning against exercising at all. I didn’t want to do anything. It was a great day to curl up in bed with a good book. I realize that I didn’t do as much as I wished I had but I did something. I know I dream of being a runner by 1-11-11 but my first step is to run…maybe it won’t be fast or beautiful or long but I have to start somewhere.

Dream on everyone and have a great day!