me and Rhonda Britten, Lifecoach from the TV series Starting Over and author of several books including Fearless Living...
Well I knew I was going to have to get to this one but I really never thought it was going to come about like this....I Dream of Not Being Fake......That one Hurt!!
About a year ago I went to a seminar in Minnesota with Rhonda Britten. Rhonda had a TV series several years back. It was basically the first Reality show. They had a group of woman in a house that all had different things that they needed to work on. Weight Loss, Divorce, Childhood Trauma, Loss of Job...What made it so great is that they had Life Coaches that helped them through all of this and you got to watch the process. They did different activities to help them move forward. Through those few years I kept a journal about it and did many of the exercises myself. It helped me in so many areas. When I had the opportunity to meet Rhonda I was ecstatic.... That is a whole story in itself...the conference got cancelled because OBama was coming in and they were closing the block where we were suppose to be. It worked out better for me because I ended up sitting next to her at supper and I got to watch her coach a lady across the table.
But during this time while reading one of her books I had a lightbulb moment. One of the chapters was on facing your fears. As I went through a checklist of words I realized by the end of the exercise that my greatest fear is being perceived as a "FAKE". Almost everyday this thought goes through me mind atleast once...here's a few of the way Satan uses this against me...
*I am the baby out of 10 kids....(but are you Really? - all but one are half and you never even all lived together so you really have no right to claim that)
*I am a runner (this was during the time I had run 3 half marathons...) (are you Really a runner? - what you do is scoot it's not REALLY even Running)
*I am a secretary (are you REALLY? You know that you don't do a good job and you have an accountant to do the hard stuff...)
*I helped start a church..(did you Really? You just sort of slid in there and have basically let them do the work and just get to claim the glory of it...)
*I am a photographer...(are you REALLY? What you photograph is not Real photography - anybody could do what you do....)
The list could go on and on and on and on...
Thoughts like that go through my mind constantly and I feel like I am fighting against Satan all the time about it. Well the reason I am having to deal with all of this now is because of an email that I received today. I can honestly (without even being dramatic) say that this has been the worst week of my life. And then today I walk out of the Dr's office having just been told I have to come in next week to have my gallbladder taken out, check my phone and see a name and I just had a feeling that this was not going to go well. My sister in law Lisa was driving and as I started reading it I finally just threw the phone and thought "God I can't take one more thing... Satan has attacked everything else and now my character."
I don't have to go into all the details and I would never post this on my blog if I thought there was any way she would read this...but even if she were my problem is really not with her as much as it is with Satan and how he uses words to keep us in bondage. These are the words that she said that struck me so deeply...
"I feel that your very upbeat personality, especially the hugs and I love you's are your way of being friendly but you maybe don't mean them- at least not to the full extent of what I consider love to be. I have heard people describe you as being "fake"."
Honestly when I read them a laughed out loud, not out of meanness towards her, out of the irony of that word...When I got home I opened my workbook and these are the words that I wrote in my very own handwriting about 1 year ago..."My biggest fear is people perceiving me as a FAKE"...I told Satan that honestly if he was trying to use this one he was way to obvious - I had no doubt in my mind that this was his work..
I tried to sort through her words..Is my upbeat personality real? Do I honestly mean the hugs and I Love Yous? Am I consistent with who I am or do I change depending on the people that I am around...My answer is that I am who I am...I Love To Laugh!!! My heart breaks to see hurting people so if I can give someone a hug to give them a brief moment of peace then I feel it's the least I can do. I do tell most everyone that I LOVE them...and do I mean it? I honestly do...I can tell you that at this moment there are alot of people that as I human I don't want to Love (mainly it is anyone at Verizon and my Insurance guy and the guy from Whitey's Plumbing) but they are not my enemy...Satan is..and Christ says that we are to represent Him on this Earth and when I tell someone that I love them I know that for some people that may be the only time they may have heard that in ages. The love that I have for them is not My love...I may not Love them like I do my husband or my children but the Love that comes from God to them...I have had to really think to myself - is this true??? No I am the first one to beat myself up in plenty of areas - but on this one - I have to believe that the words that she wrote are opposite of who I am.....Wow!!!...That was hard...(now just because I wrote that doesn't mean I am not going to have to keep repeating it to myself.LOL..)I also thought about the fact that in 40 years this is the first time I have ever had anyone say this to me (not saying that people haven't thought it) and yet in 40 years I can't count the 100's of comments I have gotten from people saying thank you for the hugs, I Love Yous, encouragement and kind words....
I know that when we hear something difficult it is very easy to twist them around to benefit the truth that we want to hear - usually so it puts the other one on the enemy side...Like I said it was years ago but I do remember the conversation, mainly because there are few times in my life where I stood up for myself and was honest with someone. It is really silly in the scope of life but for both of us I guess it was big.
I hate that she has hung on to this but I understand how it happens. I haven't decided how to go about handling the situation yet. Honestly this is the last thing I thought I would be dealing with today. But God guarantees we will go through trials and he is making good on his word lately. Even though I have to figure out how to deal with this, the bigger picture for me is how to deal with my Fears...I wonder what all have I missed because I have given into "fear"....So as much as it has thrown me for a loop I believe it is God saying that it is about time I deal with this and get it out of the way so I can enjoy greater things He has in store for me.
Today I dream for you the ability to be authentic and to live a live without the bondage of fear....Also, I am BEYOND Blessed to have such an incredible support system and I thank everyone for their kind words and encouragement....LOVE YOU ALL - and I mean it...:-)
4 comments:
Wow, somehow I did stumble across this so it must have been God's plan. Thank you for not identifying me by name Linda. I am sorry you have to have surgery, that's never pleasant for anyone. I feel that you should read my e mail again. I don't think I was rude and I am not Satan. If you are going to allow people to judge me based on one sentence maybe you should post the whole letter, you could still leave my name out if you would. I was not just getting it off my chest, it was a stumbling block that has affected us and I thought perhaps we could clear the air on it for example "Oh my gosh I SAID that?" and I should have confronted it sooner or possibly not at all but I needed some clarity before I could consider my options for changing churches. I had no idea you were having a bad day yesterday just as I'm sure you had no idea that the woman you interrupted that day was telling me that she was devistated about her husband leaving her. I did not call you fake- but I have heard MANY call you that and the scene I described for you would be the basis for that. I have entertained your family in my home, we have had meaningful and deep conversations etc so yes it did hurt to hear you say those words to me. I possibly could have avoided it forever but as I said it is a stumbling block and could be the reason we choose to not attend HV. Some of the reasons we have left the church we were at are reasons such as this. People are not being accountable. I have confronted people on sins that are stumbling blocks to others and they continue to defend what a great and faithful servant they are and don't acknowledge that there are real problems BIG problems. The congregation is a tiny fraction of what is was, we have no secretary, no cleaning staff, sometimes no bulletins etc because we have no money. Some feel that the problem is not having enough money but the bigger issue is NO PEOPLE! It is Biblical to confront a brother or sister in Christ in a loving matter. I'm thinking you were having a bad day so you saw my confrontation as an attack. I hope you will pray about it and re think how you dealt with it. I'm sure if I were to blog my version of it the feedback would be entirely different but I don't plan to do that. Sometimes I do put too much of my heart out there on cyberspace, guilty as charged on that one. I'm giving it to God to help me sort out the problem and the reaction.
Dear Anonymous,
I don't think you "get" the blog. It was not really about "you." Yes, you were part of it because pieces of what you said to her is what she reflected on. Linda's whole blog, to me as a reader, was about her reflecting on her character. It was not a stab at you. Yes, those of us that read it and know what Linda is going through right now, aren't fond of what you said to her because it hurt her in a very vunerable time, but she was not taking any stabs at you. If we do judge you it is just us protecting the love we have for Linda. It is real love too, not fake. I live for Linda hugs, and love yous. And did she call you Satan? Nope. Satan comes in many forms and sometimes it is the way we perceive a message or the timing of a message. He likes to play with our minds.
Anonymous, upon re reading it a few times I can see that is isn't just about me. The time was right for me to ask this question (or so I thought) and had no idea it was a bad day. Because of some significant changes for my family and myself there are some roadblocks that needed to be addressed. I won't go any more personal than that as to avoid identifying myself or the situation. It seems looking back that there wasn't going to be a propper time or place to address this. I certainly didn't mean to cause further problems. If you knew me I think you would like me as I think most people do. As a young woman I almost never questioned anyone, not teachers, doctors, ministers, neighbors etc. Because of the circumstances and trials I have faced I have had to get a little tougher. We all have our trials that make us who we are. I always hope that whatever I go through can be used for good and maybe I can help someone else. Sometimes it backfires but my intentions are never evil. I still hope that some day Linda and I can see that there was a reason for all of this and we can be friends on some level. It was my intention to get rid of the elephant in the room, not make it bigger.
I think everything happens for a reason and I hope we can talk about it someday.
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