I dream of Heaven........That dream goes through my mind more than any other I have ever had. No more hurts. No more struggling to show Grace when your heart is breaking. No more people disappointing me and no more guilt of me disappointing others.
This Earth is exhausting!! The older I get the more frustrated that I become with the sin that consumes this world. The sin that overcomes my family, my friendships, my community, our nation. So many times I just cry out to God to just please come back. The last few days have been that for me. "God I give up...I just can't do it anymore...I have tried my best...I have tried to parent the way I thought you asked...I have tried to be the kind of friend I thought I should be...please, just send your son now so that we can all just go home."
I feel as if I fail and fail and I am just Exhausted...The moment I move towards where I think he is pointing me it seems as if Satan steps in and fills my head with 10,000 lies and finally I just can't fight anymore. I HATE him!!! I despise everything that he tears down around me. I pray that God will spare us and then I am faced with the reality that this is warfare and he is the enemy and he will stop at nothing to kill, steal and destroy.
There are days that I feel the pain that Moses felt wandering around in the desert. I am sure that he tried to be positive for everyone else but don't you know he was just as sick of the manna as the rest of them were. Don't you think he was just as frustrated at not knowing when God would take them into the Promised Land.
I am your servant, Lord, so why are you doing this to me? What have I done to deserve this? You've made me responsible for all these people, but they're not my children. You told me to nurse them along and to carry them to the land you promised their ancestors. They keep whining for meat, but where can I get meat for them? This job is too much for me. How can I take care of all these people by myself? If this is the way you're going to treat me, just kill me now and end my miserable life! Num 11: 10-15
It's sort of comforting to know that even Moses ended up in a pit sometimes. And how much closer do you get to God than Moses did? I'm in a Moses pit right now. Just tired, frustrated and confused..."I don't think I can do it God. This job is too much for me..." My secret that I keep is that I pray to God for an Aaron in my life.. Exodus 17: 8-15. This is hard for me to verbalize but maybe I am vulnerable because of the week I have had and the fact that it is after midnight and my emotions are raw. There are many times that I feel that I have brief moments of an Aaron or Hur holding up my arm for a moment only to let it fall and once again I feel defeat. Oh, I know there have been many times that I have done the same to others. But this last week I heard a message from Bishop T.D. Jakes, a man that I think is an incredible servant of God. The moment that touched me more than anything he said was when he...T.D. Jakes - a man who has it All Together...said that there are many times that he encourages and encourages others and then thinks to himself..."I wish I had a me in my life..." Wow...I was brought to tears and felt it in the depths of my soul....
I struggle to even post this tonight...I feel it...honestly I do! But does it sound as though I am crying out for someone to pay attention to me...someone to befriend me...That is not the purpose of my bluntness. I just know that it is where I am right now. And of all things that I know as I lay here tonight - Not being Honest will destroy you and ultimately those around you....
God has called me to motivate and encourage and that is ingrained in me and I am so blessed that he has chosen to use me in that way. And I can not sleep tonight if I don't say that I am forever in debt to my sisters who have been there for me since the moment I was born and for the kind words that have been spoken over me by those who love me. I in no way want to make light of what they have meant to me and I am blessed to have so many people in my life that I can call friends. But tonight I have been as real as I have in a long time and I pray that you will hold my honesty with gentle hands...
So as I end, my dream for you is to be aware of the Moses' around you. Who is in need of encouragement? Who can you come alongside and hold them up in the midst of their battle?
Sleep Well my friends....
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