a compromised immune system.....



photo of Rob holding my hand while we wait for my results of my biopsy....thanking God there was no Cancer but not understanding what it would mean for my future dealing with Hoshimotos......

 I remember when Becca got back from her trip to Germany a few years ago she came down with Mono. It completely wiped her out. Rob and I ended up sleeping downstairs and giving her our room that got more sunshine and she could have the windows open to get fresh air. As a mom it was terribly hard to see my poor girl so very sick. Since that time we have had to be very careful not to let her get to exhausted. Whenever she overdoes it she pays for it later. I can almost guarantee that after something major she will get some kind of sickness. In fact right now - after just starting college a few weeks ago - she is going to the clinic today with strep. Her mono was intense and it did a number on her immune system. So as a mom it is difficult for me to sit by and watch and wait for what might happen next. The sicknesses that she usually gets aren't major - but they are enough to shift her world.....

I was thinking about this today because of what I am going through in my life lately. I have had some big things happen in my life the last several years. Things that turned my life upside down and left me questioning alot of things - including God. I can remember one day standing in the shower sobbing just saying over and over that I don't think I believed that He was real anymore....That time in my life was the deepest of all my pits. There have been many throughout my life but none affected me the way that this one did...Two years later I finally was able to pull myself out of my pit and start to live again. But even though I was living it was like my "immune system" had been compromised. Things would come along that normally I could handle and yet I found myself slipping back into that pit....all I wanted to do was sleep and forget about the world....So for the past several years that has been my life. A majority of the time I am fine..I Love Life - everything about it....and then something happens....something that shakes my foundation. That has been my last several months. I feel like I can't get my footing. Every time I think I am doing okay my world shifts and I feel myself falling again. In the last few months I have lost a wonderful friendship, listened to my mom tell me she had another stroke and lost her eyesight in one eye, sent my beautiful daughter  to college, watched my son go through things that no child should have to go through, held another part of my family as they dealt with things that broke every bit of my heart - I never want to see a mother cry from the depths like that again, had to have gallbladder surgery and attempted to deal with another relationship that has taken every bit of strengh out of me and has brought out sides of myself that I don't like feeling. The list could go on and on and on..........

And then I have weekends like this weekend....most of it was good stuff - honestly. I loved working at the JMP tent and talking with people and visiting with my friends. And at the same time knowing that the money we are raising goes towards some amazing kids....good stuff....and yet - The long hours and stress and responsiblities of setting up and tearing down every day, days of preparing the food, decorating, serving, having company & staying up until 3:00 am because I knew it was the only real time I would get with them, not feeling guilty leaving the others alone at the tent to watch Rob in a skid steer competition, and the same problem with going to watch D's band play, the final day of tear down while completely exhausted, and then still looking around my kitchen at the piles of things that need taken care of....I just feel Overwhelmed....I feel myself falling back into my pit and I am having a hard time talking myself out of it.

All of this and then the fact that not long ago I was diagnosed with Hoshimoto Disease which is an auto immune disease that affects my thyroid.You throw on top of that my nervousness from my ADD and I just about drive myself crazy. I am always shaking and on edge. And so that is what makes me think of Becca. In the same way I am protective of her I have to be protective of me. I am my biggest advocate. Most of what happens to me in the world is out of my control. But I can have control of how I handle it. I take alot of deep breaths, talk to God ALOT and have great Dr.'s who take good care of me. I make it a priority that in the calm times I surround myself with positivity. I make sure my house is as clean and organized as it can be...so if I am out of sorts for a few days my house won't overwhelm me so much...I try to make sure I make good connections with people that are positive and honest with me...so that when I can't see the truth I know that these people will speak truth into my life....I lead a life that is as clean and pure and encouraging as I can so that when Satan tries to convince me I'm unworthy I can look back on my past and see the positives in my life...

I could dwell on the negative parts of my life....some seem to think that I have had this picture perfect life and if they only knew the trials that I have gone through they would wonder how I even stand. Happiness is a choice.....it is not a right.....sometimes I have to make that choice several times a day...or even an hour....I don't LIKE the pit...No matter how much Satan tries to convince me that life is better there...it's comfortable to live in the midst of your pain - it allows you to defend your actions...my friend and I use to joke that we were in our pit so often that we have it decorated and should have our mail forwarded there......I don't Want that.....I want JOY...I want those around my to be Joyful....and honestly most people want to be around Joyful people.....negative people attract negative people....I CAN'T stand negativity...honestly I can't  - I don't mind hurting people...in fact it brings me great joy to help someone with their hurt....but I can not surround myself with negativity....it is not good for me....it is not good for my family and those around me.....So if you are around me any amount of time you will hear me say the phrase...."Satan - you will not steal my JOY..." and I have to live by that....

So.....well.....hhmmm.....I guess this was one of those posts where I just needed to sort some stuff out in my head. I don't know what else to say.....maybe you can relate....maybe you have had trials that have put you in a pit....maybe you have people in your life that just insist on living in their negativity and you just want to run from it.....well, then I guess  today I dream for you a healthy immune system....I know amazing Dr.'s but most of our problems are things that they cannot cure...What a difference our life is when we go directly to the one that created us....He knows us best....He knows how to make us joyful.....So today - choose to be JOYFUL!!!